by Sadie Carter
Finally, she took a step forward and slid her hand in his. “We need to talk.”
“Yes,” he replied, relief filling him. “We shall talk at home.”
“Yes. All right.”
“Let us know when you need our help,” Tane told her.
What help did they speak of? What help did Ellie need that he could not give her?
“All right. Thank you, guys. Love you.”
They all said their goodbyes and then he started to lead her back to their home. She slid her hand from his, which he did not like. He realized he had no idea what she was thinking. But he could feel a distance between them.
They walked into their home and Ellie went immediately to the autocooker, ordering two glasses of Sola. She handed one to him then wandered out to the balcony, where she sat on one of the loungers. He followed her out, wondering at her quiet sadness.
“My mate, I am so sorry for forgetting your party tonight.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Do not call you what?”
“Your mate. Don’t call me your mate. We both know I’m not.”
He turned the other lounger around and sat, facing her. She continued to stare out, the moonlight highlighting her delicate features. Features that seemed to be even more pronounced. Had she lost weight? How had he missed that?
“You are my mate.” He reached for her hand and she snatched it away. His heart raced. What was happening?
“You are mad at me for forgetting the party.”
“No, I’m not. And let’s be honest with each other. You forgot my entire birthday, did you not?”
He found himself wanting to squirm since the first time he had left the academy. “Yes, I did. I can only apologize and ask your forgiveness.”
“I forgive you.” The words came quickly and his heart lightened.
“Thank you, it will not happen again.”
“It doesn’t matter if you forget again.”
“It does not?”
“No one expects you to remember the birthday of a woman who you thought was your mate, but turns out wasn’t. Least of all me.”
It hit him like a blow to the gut. He could not stand the emotionless way she spoke, as though what she said did not matter to her.
This was not Ellie. Not his Ellie.
“Ellie, what has happened?”
“Nothing. That’s it, isn’t it? Nothing has happened. There is no mate bond. We are not mates, Racar. At some stage, we have to just admit that to ourselves and go…go our separate ways.” There was a hitch to her voice this time. At least he knew she was not as unaffected as she sounded.
“Go our separate ways?” he whispered.
“I’m going to move back in with Keely. It’s for the best. Then you don’t have to feel bad for forgetting things. And I won’t keep hoping that things might change. That the bond might suddenly appear. That you might remember that I’m here. That you might notice me.” She turned to stare at him. “I tried. I stayed because I love you. I want you. I want a family with you. But I deserve better than coming second place. You want a mate. You thought that was me and it wasn’t. It’s okay, Racar. I understand. I’m not your mate and you have no real feelings for me.”
“I have feelings for you,” he protested. He felt frantic at the thought of losing her.
“In the beginning, maybe. You were there for me. But after it became clear the bond wouldn’t form, you threw yourself back into your work. You stopped being here, with me. Because I’m not yours.”
“I was working on my research. You said you understood.”
She gave him a sad smile. “I did. And I told myself that your work is important, that I shouldn’t interfere. But that’s just bullshit.”
“What?”
“Yeah, your work is important. But so am I. I matter.” She pointed at herself.
He was so shocked by her words that his heart stopped beating. “I made you feel like you did not matter?”
“You’re clever and gorgeous and smart and I know you have an important job. But that job shouldn’t mean more to you than your mate. And I’m sure it wouldn’t, if I was that mate. It’s time we stopped pretending.”
“Ellie, you matter.”
“Racar—”
“No, you listen to me. It is my turn to talk,” he said fiercely. Because if he did not get this out, he was certain he would lose her. And he could not stand that. “I have made mistakes. Big mistakes. But I was working for us.”
“I know you’re trying to find a way to extend the human mates’ lives, but I’m not a mate—”
“I was trying to work out why our bond hadn’t formed,” he interrupted. “And I believe I said it was my turn to talk. You will let me speak.”
She narrowed her gaze at him, but nodded.
“You are my mate. I know you are. I just could not understand why the bond would not form. So I have been working as many hours as I can to uncover that reason. I think I may have found it.”
She sucked in a breath but did not say anything.
“It is the java worm.”
“What?” She stared at him in shock.
He explained his findings to her.
“You think that worm poo is the answer to slowing how fast humans age? And I haven’t been aging at a normal rate because it’s still in my blood?”
“Yes, but I think they need to be bonded to their mates first or it may interfere with the bond like it did us.”
“So it’s the worm’s fault we haven’t bonded?” She rubbed at her head as though she had a headache. He wanted to offer to get her a pain inhibitor, but he needed to explain this all to her first.
“Yes, and I am hoping that when the worm excretion fully leaves your bloodstream, then the bond will form. So, you see, that is why I have not been here as I should have been. But you are my mate.”
She was silent for a long moment, then she let out a bark of laughter. He might have felt relieved if there had been any humor in the noise.
“You ever heard of the saying, too little too late?”
“What?” He understood the words. But they could not be true. “What are you saying?”
She gave him a sad smile. “I’m saying I’m moving back in with Keely. I love you, I probably always will. But I cannot be with you any longer. I cannot come second place. I’ve had it all my life. I can’t live that way any longer.”
“What do you mean?” Panic filled him. “You cannot leave.”
“I can. I am.” She sighed. “I grew up without a family. My parents were druggies who overdosed and left me an orphan at three. I was put into the foster system. It’s where different families take on kids who have no one else and take care of them. Some foster families are great. Some are not. Luckily, I had this lovely family who wanted to adopt me. I was small and quiet and still young enough to be a good option. For two years, I lived with them. They had two kids and things were great. Until my foster dad lost his job and they could barely afford to feed four mouths, let alone five. I didn’t even eat that much. I didn’t ask for things. I was so good. But still, I had to go.”
Stars. She was killing him. He knew he risked being rejected, but he could not stop himself from picking her up and settling her on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, thankful that while she didn’t melt into him as she would have a few weeks ago, she did not push him away either.
“I got sent back into the foster system. Only this time, I was a bit older and I’d withdrawn into myself after losing my family. I had issues. I had panic attacks. I’d just scream and hyperventilate then pass out. I still have them sometimes, well, you’ve seen that. So I wasn’t that appealing. Two adoptions fell through. And by the time I was ten, no one wanted me.”
He wanted to protest that, to make her stop telling him all of this. But he needed to know it. Much as it might be tearing him apart to listen to her pain.
“I went from foster home to foster home. Some of them were not good places to be. As soon a
s I turned eighteen and had some money together, I left. I lived on the streets for a while, before I managed to find someone willing to give me a job. I worked long hours for little money. Lived in this tiny, rat-infested apartment and wondered what the hell the point of my life was. Finally, I knew I couldn’t do this anymore and I saw an opportunity to leave, to work on a different planet. I took it. Only that became my worst nightmare when I ended up captured and put into slavery.”
He knew this part of the story. “That is where you met your friends.”
“Yes. Thank God, I met them. They changed my life. They kept me safe. I can’t tell you how many times Jack or Blue stepped between me and one of the slavers intent on teaching me a lesson for not working fast enough. How many times Tane did his work and mine when I was too exhausted to keep going. They saved me. Not just because they took me with them when they escaped, but because they became my family. The one thing I always wanted.”
They were her family, not him. It stabbed at him. But for the first time, he didn’t feel jealous.
“I am so sorry, my mate.”
She stiffened in his arms. “Racar—”
“No, please, listen. Just listen. Thank you for telling me all of that. I know I have made a mess of things. That I have neglected you. You who are more precious than anything.” He looked off into the distance. Then he sighed. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I have not told you of my family. I cannot remember much of my mother. I was young when she died. I remember her laughter, her scent, but little else. Three years later, my sister died.”
“Oh, Racar.”
He could sense her sorrow. Her sadness.
“I loved my sister with everything in me. I was devastated when she died. I swore then that I would do whatever it took to make sure that my mate did not die, that she never left me. It is why I have worked so hard to discover the reason our bond did not form. Because I cannot lose you. I can see now that I was concentrating on the wrong thing. That I should have been here for you.”
“Oh, Racar.” She dropped her head against his chest.
“Please do not leave me,” he begged.
“I don’t know if it’s going to work. What if the bond doesn’t form?”
“It will. But even if it doesn’t, I want you, Ellie. I want you, no matter what.” She was silent for a long moment. His heart raced. Dread filled him. “Please give me another chance. You will not regret it. I need you, Ellie. I promise I will never do anything to hurt you again.”
He waited, his breath caught in his chest. What would he do if she said no? If she walked away from him? How would he recover?
She stared at him. Her face unreadable. A fear like nothing he’d known before stabbed at him.
Then to his shock, she nodded. “All right. Let’s give this another chance.”
14
He was losing her.
Oh, she was still with him physically. Still living with him. Sleeping beside him. He made certain he did not spend all his time working. The next day after she nearly walked away from him, he had arranged to have the day free to spend with her, even though he had just had a break-through in his research. She had looked so shocked by that, it hurt.
When he had come home early to share the evening meal with her the next day, she looked like she might cry.
It shamed him.
But even though she was still here, there was distance between them. A wall she was not letting down. And he did not know how to reach her. They had sex. They talked. Ate together.
But there was always this distance.
Finally, not knowing what else to do, he reached out the people who knew her best.
He looked around at the group of people in his office. “Thank you all for coming.”
There was distance here as well. A coldness. They watched him carefully. From Tane, there was outright hostility.
“We’re only here for Ellie, not you,” Keely told him.
“I know.” He nodded. “But I feel I owe you all an apology as well.”
Surprise filled their faces.
“I could not understand why she needed her friendship with all of you when she had me. I thought she should have only me. It took me a long time to realize that you are her family. That you had her first and that I was the one who needed to earn your acceptance, not the other way around.”
Blue nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. “All right. Fair enough. Now what do you want?”
“I am losing her,” he said simply. “She is with me, but there is distance between us. I fear she will leave me.”
“And you would care?” Keely asked.
“Of course I would,” he said fiercely. “She cannot leave me. I am nothing without her. I love her.”
Blue raised her eyebrows. “You love her? Thought most of you guys didn’t believe in love.”
“I know that I love her.”
“Took you long enough to realize that,” Marc said.
“I always knew it. I just did not know how to say it. How to express it.” He grimaced. “I am not good at communication.”
“We got that,” Keely said dryly.
“Please, will you help me?”
They all looked around at each other. Blue took in a deep breath. “I’m gonna lay it out for you straight, Racar.”
“Lay what out straight?” he said in confusion.
Keely snorted. “She means she’s gonna be honest with you. Don’t know why she had to say it first. Blue doesn’t mince words.”
“Mince them?”
“Jesus help us,” Tane muttered. “Listen, we don’t think you’re good enough for Ellie.”
“You took advantage of her,” Marc accused.
“And Ellie is ours to protect. She was ours before she ever was yours. And she’ll be ours no matter what,” Jack told him quietly.
“I know this.”
“Do you?” Blue asked. “Do you accept it? That you can’t shut us out? Have her all to yourself?”
“It would make her miserable to lose all of you. I want Ellie to always be happy.”
“You want her to be happy?” Keely asked. “Even if that means losing her?”
He sucked in a breath. He hoped they would help him. But if they could not… “Even if it meant I lost her. Ellie comes first.”
“All right, there’s hope for you yet,” Blue told him. “Thing is, if we thought Ellie would be happier without you, then we wouldn’t help you. In fact, we’d do all we could to get her away from you.”
“Still might,” Tane told him. “’Cause she’s not happy now.”
“I know.” He hated to admit it, but it was only the truth. “What do I do?”
They looked at each other again. Keely cleared her throat. “You really want her, even if the mating bond never forms?”
“Yes. I love her.”
Keely leaned forward. “Then you need to show her. Words aren’t enough. She needs a grand gesture.”
“A grand gesture? Like what?”
“Well, I have an idea…” she told him.
Ellie sighed as she walked through the marketplace. She paused for a moment as she came to the spot where her stall had once been. It had been a lot of work, but she missed it. For some reason, though, she just didn’t feel like baking anymore. She just couldn’t seem to find that energy and drive she’d had before.
She walked away, heading towards the dress shop. Keely had sent her a message to meet her there. The last thing she felt like was shopping, but she didn’t want to disappoint her friend.
Sadness weighed her down. Even though she’d agreed to give things another go with Racar, things just weren’t right between them.
And it was all her fault. That shield of hers was up. Protecting her. And she couldn’t seem to tear it down.
“Ellie, over here!” She paused at the sound of Keely’s voice, spotting her next to an empty shop, a few buildings down from the dress shop.
“Hey, I thought we were going to get you some
new dresses,” Ellie said as she came closer.
“Nah, I don’t need any more clothes.”
Ellie gaped at her. “All right, who are you and what have you done with my friend?”
Keely just rolled her eyes, then she grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the empty store. “What are you doing? Where are we going? Why did you send me that message if we’re not going dress shopping?”
“Because I needed some excuse to get you here. Ta-da!” She stopped in front of the store and clapped her hands.
Ellie looked around. “Um…what?”
“This is it. Your new bakery.”
Ellie blinked. Looked over at her friend. “Keely, we had this talk already. I’m not opening a bakery. I don’t have the funds. I’m not sure I even want to bake anymore.”
“Well, you better start baking again,” Blue said from behind her. “With all the effort we spent putting this together, it better not go to waste.”
She turned, saw Blue and Marc standing behind her, both of them grinning.
“Guys, I appreciate the thought, I do. But—” The door suddenly opened, interrupting her.
Jack stuck his head out. “Are you guys going to stand out here all day yapping or are you coming inside?”
“Jack, there’s no point, I can’t…” Her voice trailed off as Jack reached out and grabbed her hand, dragging her inside.
She hadn’t been able to see through the windows because they were all covered up, so she had no idea about what she might find inside. She’d figured it would be some dusty empty shell.
She hadn’t expected perfection.
She turned, staring at everything, trying to take it all in. There was a counter that gleamed, as well as empty display cases. One half of the room was set aside for booth seating and small tables and chairs. Along one wall was a mural, a scene that could have come straight out of Paris. Sidewalk cafes with people sitting and eating and drinking.
The wall behind the counter that separated this space from whatever was beyond had just one word painted on it in flowing gold script against a pale blue background.
Ellie’s.
“We didn’t know if you’d want to stick with the original name or go for something else,” Tane told her as he walked towards her, rubbing his hands clean on a rag.
