by Neal Jones
"Yeah, that too."
"There's support groups at starbases like this for military wives."
"I know. I attended the one on Lyden-four a couple years ago, but I never really felt connected to any of those women. They all seemed so happy, as if they were more than willing to follow their husbands from post to post, as if this sacrifice was a noble calling. Maybe that's when I really started to resent this marriage and Ben's career. I just kept wanting to slap those wives and demand that they tell the truth, that they resented all this moving around and having no permanent home, no permanent life." She smiled wanly. "I know how selfish that sounds, but I can't help it."
"Have you gone back to substitute teaching?" Mariah asked.
Jennifer shook her head. "I didn't see a point. I'll be leaving Exxar-One as soon as the baby's born."
"Is Ben getting a transfer?"
"No, not exactly." Jennifer shifted nervously, scooting closer to the wall for back support. "I told him that I was going back to Earth to live with my parents. I decided that I don't want to live here after all, and that it's up to him to request a transfer or stay and finish his tour."
"And what did he say?"
"He thought we should see a marriage counselor."
"That's not a bad idea."
Jennifer shook her head, adamant. "I don't want to talk to a shrink. I don't need some stranger analyzing my life and my decisions."
"But it's not just your life," Mariah pointed out. "You're married and you have children."
"I know! And that's what's so frustrating about all of this!" Jennifer could feel another lump forming in her throat, and she jabbed at her eyes. "When did my life disappear? When did it become all about my husband and my kids?" She dug in her pocket for the other tissue and blew her nose. "There was this group of women at the restaurant a few minutes ago, and they acted as if they had no cares in the world, as their entire lives were about cocktails and luncheons and social events, and they were so...so...fucking happy! I want to be that happy, that cheerful! I want to hold this baby in my arms as soon as he's born, and I want to love him with all of my being, but I can't. Because some part of me is going to resent the cleaning, and the feeding, and all the damn nurturing, and the sleepless nights, and the sacrifice of time and money for the next eighteen years of his life! What kind of person loves their child but hates them at the same time? I feel so guilty anytime I lose my temper with Emalie, and she's at that age now when she has so much energy and so much to tell me, and she demands so much of my time, and I just want to scream at her 'Leave me alone! I just want one evening to myself without you constantly bothering me for something!'"
Jennifer was sobbing again, and she took a moment to breathe while wiping her eyes. "And then I feel even more guilty for thinking that, and I know that not all of me feels that way. I love my daughter, and I would give my life for hers, but at the same time it's just too much, and all I can think is, 'How the hell did I get to this point in my life?'" She paused to take a few deep breaths and calm herself. She wiped her eyes again and blew her nose. "I didn't always used to feel like this. I keep wondering what happened to that twenty-five year old girl who had nothing ahead of her except her whole life. None of my sisters graduated college with anything more than an Associate's Degree. I graduated valedictorian with a bachelor's in Library Science. I could have gone to almost any library in the Federation and gotten a pretty decent job, and all I can ask myself now is why didn't I?"
"Because you fell in love."
Jennifer laughed, nodding. "Yeah, I did." Her expression sobered as she continued, "And now I wonder if I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life by marrying him."
Mariah wasn't sure what to say to that. Jennifer's last remark hit a little too close to home. She thought of Marc, and of her recent feelings for him. Or maybe it was just that they'd been there all along, that she'd always been attracted to him ever since their tour together on the Tokyo so many years earlier, and she was too scared now to act on them. Partly because of Laura's – and Jeanette's – presence on the station right now, but also because she was afraid of making the wrong choice, that she and Marc weren't entirely right for each other, and that he might not be good for Josh either. Her conversation with him in his ready room the day before told her that he was a man coming apart at the seams, and as long as he was unwilling to ask for help, she wasn't going to let him take her down with him. Between his alcoholism, his troubled past with Laura, the news that he was Jeanette's biological father, and the post-traumatic stress he was suffering because of his torture and imprisonment five months ago – all of it was pulling Marc into a downward spiral, and he was about to hit bottom.
And yet there was something about the tragedy of it all that made Mariah want to save Marc from himself. He was drowning, and she wanted to be the one with the lifeline. How absurd was that! She'd never been attracted to that type of man before. Paul had been the exact opposite of Marc – confident, controlled, always professional, always put-together in a way that made Mariah feel totally secure and comfortable in his arms. Granted, he didn't have the same type of masculine charm that Marc did, the one that invariably attracted all the junior female officers, and that used to drive Mariah nuts.
And yet it was that same charm – mixed with a lot of alcohol of course – that had led to their one night affair on Kelatia. A bittersweet memory that Mariah had been coming back to more and more often these past few days.
"Commander?"
Decev blinked, pulling herself back to the moment. "Sorry. I was just...thinking. And call me Mariah."
Jennifer smiled and nodded. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to unload all of this on you."
"It's okay. Sometimes all we need is somebody to listen."
Jennifer opened her mouth to reply, but the com panel gave three loud, short beeps, and then a soft chime. Lieutenant Helfer's voice filled the PTL tube once again.
"We apologize for the inconvenience, commander. Your tube should be resuming its trip in about a minute. Do you need medical assistance?"
Decev glanced at Jennifer. "No, I think we're fine. Thank you, lieutenant."
"Helfer out."
Mariah stretched out a hand to help Jennifer to her feet. "Have you already had lunch? I still have enough time to eat before I'm due back on post."
Jennifer smoothed the front of her blouse and scrubbed a hand through her hair. She wiped her eyes one last time, and then stuffed the tissue in her pocket next to the other one. "Yes." To her surprise she was genuinely hungry. "That sounds nice."
The tube slid smoothly into motion just then, and Decev tapped a control on the panel to halt it. "Promenade, level two," she told the computer. "What are you in the mood for?" she asked Jennifer.
"I think a big salad with grilled chicken sounds about right. Extra bleu cheese dressing."
Decev smiled. "Sounds good to me."
( 2 )
Commodore Gabriel shoveled a forkful of pasta salad into his mouth and chewed slowly. He was in the middle of a working lunch, reviewing personnel reports and requisitions, and he was about to go blind. He tossed the remainder of the salad into the reclamator and then ordered up a tall mug of black coffee. He returned to his desk, shut off the terminal screen, and leaned back in his chair. He swiveled to face the viewport, and he sipped the coffee as he gazed at the stars.
He'd gotten a little more sleep last night than usual, thanks in part to his new Hiver scenario. He'd actually spent the night in the guest bedroom of that holographic house, with the window open so the sound of the waves upon the beach could provide a soundtrack to his slumber. For the first time in a long time he'd fallen asleep in just minutes instead of hours, and he'd stayed asleep for longer than before. The nightmares still came, unfortunately, and for a few moments after he woke up screaming he'd been disoriented by the strange room. But as soon as he calmed down and remembered where he was, he lay back down and listened to the ocean, and sleep returned within half an hour. On all the oth
er nights, he'd never gotten back to sleep so quickly, if at all.
It was a little weird, he admitted to himself, sleeping in a Hiver room instead of his own quarters. But it wasn't as if he was going to do this long term. This was just an experiment, an out of the ordinary experiment, sure, but a short term one nonetheless. There were documented cases of people who suffered from Hiver addiction, typically ones who had lost family or friends in some tragedy or another, and who used the Hiver to recreate those loved ones. Some of these patients never recovered from their addiction, losing themselves so completely in the holographic world that they could no longer function in the real one.
That was one reason that all Hiver use by military officers was automatically logged and recorded by the Hiver's central computer net, and each officer had a specific code that he/she had to enter before activating each holographic session. Marc had been a little worried about that this morning, especially after his conversation yesterday with Mariah. She hadn't told him anything he didn't already know regarding the others on the command staff. He'd noticed the sideways glances, heard the whispers when they thought he wasn't looking, seen the expressions on their faces when he greeted them in the briefing room every morning, bleary-eyed and pale. He knew he was getting dangerously close to that line that separated his personal problems from his job performance, and that was one reason he created the holographic family. And as long as he used the Hiver for less than ten hours a day, his logged time wouldn't be considered abnormal by the station's computer.
The door chime interrupted Marc's reverie, and he turned away from the viewport. "Come in."
Laura entered, pausing cautiously on the threshold. "May I come in?"
He nodded, steeling himself for another argument.
"There's been a change of plans."
"I already know about your assignment to Gateway Prime, and that Keith arrived on the station yesterday. Congratulations on your promotion, by the way."
Laura blinked, caught off guard. "Uh, thank you. How did you know?"
"Jeanette stopped by my quarters for breakfast."
"Oh. Right. Of course." She cleared her throat. "It looks like I'm not leaving here so soon after all. Keith wants to wait until the rest of our team arrives, and that won't be until early next week. So...I thought maybe the four of us could have dinner tomorrow night."
"Four of us?"
"You, me, Jeanette and Keith."
"Oh. Why?"
Laura shrugged. "I thought it would be nice, that's all."
"No, you're trying to assuage Keith's fears about us. You think that he thinks there's still something between us, and you want to show him that we're just friends. Nothing more."
"All right, fine. You saw through my little ruse. You're just too clever for me. Now do you want to come or not?"
"Sure. I'd be happy to. I've been looking forward to meeting Keith."
"Great! My quarters, nineteen hundred. Bring a bottle of Scotch." She turned on her heel and marched from the ready room before Marc could fire off a snappy retort.
The commodore sighed. He was too tired to think of something clever anyway.
( 3 )
"So?"
"So...what?"
"You're really going to pretend like you have no idea what I'm talking about?" Lieutenant Dana Scarvo planted both hands on Lieutenant Commander Navarr's and lowered her gaze so she could look her friend in the eye.
"Oh my god, you are relentless." Christine leaned back, looking up at Dana with exasperation. "Yes, I had a second date last night."
"I knew it!" Dana plopped into the chair in front of the desk and folded her hands in her lap. "Let's start with location. It was a restaurant right, and then the movie?"
"How did you know?"
"I have my sources. And I think the more important question is, why did you not tell me about this at all?"
"Because you like to gossip. And it wasn't a big deal."
"Of course I gossip. You and I do it all the time. It's what we have in common, and I like to take an active interest in the lives of my friends."
"Yes, I know," Navarr commented dryly. "How come you never tell me about any of your dates?"
"Because there hasn't been a guy yet worth talking about. And because in the six months that we've been working together, this is the first guy that you've been on a second date with. Or a first one for that matter."
"It was nice. Dinner and a movie. Typical night out. He walked me back to my quarters like a gentleman. I was in bed by twenty-three hundred. Happy? Now let's discuss the alpha shift rotation. I'd like to transfer Deacon to beta shift –"
"Uh-uh, not so fast. Do you like him?"
"Oh, for gods' sakes, Dana, why are you so interested?"
"Because this is the first date you've had in a very long time, and I'm so happy for you. And because the last three dates I've been on have been disasters. Really, I'm not exaggerating. All three of the guys were losers, and none of them were human. I can't even find a normal guy from a different species."
"Dana, there's three hundred thousand people on this station. At least half of them are male. I wouldn't give up just yet."
"Don't patronize me. You've been on one date – one! And it was good enough for a second! That's not fair."
"About the alpha shift rotation –"
"You haven't answered my question."
"Dana, enough! I'm being serious now. Let's get back to work. I have four other meetings this afternoon. I don't have time to waste on gossip."
"All right, all right. I really am happy for you, though. Sam seems like a nice guy." She reached for her compad. "Now, about alpha shift –"
"Yes. I like him. He is a nice guy."
"But..." Dana prompted.
Navarr hesitated. "The last guy that I hit it off with this well was Jeff."
"Ah, yes. I knew this would come back to him sooner or later. Listen, seriously, all guys are not assholes like Jeff. After learning about your evening out last night, I did a little checking up on Sam. My sources tell me that he's never been married, he received high marks at the academy – graduated ninth in his class – and since being stationed on Exxar-One he has not had any other serious relationships. In fact, I believe that you are the first woman he's asked out. Now, I think that a man who's approaching thirty-five and hasn't been married is a little odd these days, but at least if this relationship turns serious then you won't have the baggage of an ex-wife to deal with. Oh, and there's no kids - at least none that my sources know about anyway."
Chris was looking at her fellow officer with a mixture of bemusement and incredulity. "You really have a lot of time on your hands, don't you?"
Dana shrugged, smiling. "I like to look out for my friends."
"Mm-hmmm. Now, about alpha shift..."
( 4 )
Doctor Rosenberg held up the vial of blue-green liquid. "Explain this to me again," he said to Ilkara.
"I have programmed the bio-probes to resequence my DNA, and thus alter my genetic profile. At the end of this hibernation cycle, I will appear as a human female."
"Just like that." The CMO shook his head, incredulous. He looked at the vial once more and frowned. "So you're not going to be Erayan anymore?"
"No, I will still be Erayan. The bio-probes are simply going to alter my genetic profile by inserting specific chromosomes that will enable me to adopt a more human appearance. I suppose you could say I will be part Erayan, part human."
"Where did you get this genetic material?"
"While I was on Galadreon, Doctor McMullen covertly assisted me in procuring stem cells from a discarded human embryo from one of the medical research labs."
"What about your interface diode?" The doctor pointed to the tiny, diamond shaped emerald just above the bridge of he/r nose.
"The technological part of my anatomy will not change, Ben."
"That's what I still can't figure out. After all those tests, after all the blood and tissue samples, and all the bio
-scans, I still can't figure out what part of you is organic and what part is artificial. Was your entire species like this?"
Ilkara rolled up he/r sleeve so the doctor could inject he/r with the new bio-probes. "No. The creation of the Guardians was an experiment. It was the culmination of centuries of medical, scientific, and technological research."
"So...all you need to do now is go back into stasis?" Ben turned to the cryo-tube that had been set up one of the quarantine bays adjacent to the infirmary.
"For a brief time, yes. I believe a period of no longer than six days should suffice."
"The caterpillar changes into a butterfly," the CMO remarked as he watched the Erayan climb inside the tube.
Ilkara smiled. "Yes, something like that." S/he closed her eyes as Ben pressed the command to close the lid.
He activated the tube's stasis cycle, and then checked the readouts on the bio-monitor attached to wall above the tube. Everything appeared normal, although he honestly wasn't sure at this point what would be considered normal for a lifeform as unique as Ilkara.
"Sweet dreams," the doctor murmured as he walked out of the room, sealing the door behind him.
Chapter 23
____________________
( 1 )
LAURA NERVOUSLY ADJUSTS HER SKIRT as she stands back to get a good look at her reflection in the full length mirror. The blouse is a size too small, and she doesn't like her hair. "Steph, I think I'm going to wear my hair down, and bring the other blouse, the blue one."
The comm panel beside the door buzzes. Stephanie breezes past Laura on her way to answer it, grabbing her friend's hand. "Too late. He's already here." She presses the button to answer. "Hello?"
"Hi. This is Marc. Marcus Gabriel. I'm here to pick up Laura."
"She'll be right down." Stephanie shuts off the intercom and turns to Laura. "Your hair is awesome, the blouse fits just fine. You look great."
"It does not fit! Especially through here." She motions to her chest.
Stephanie grins. "It's just right. He'll love it. Trust me. Now go. And have fun." She ushers her friend out the door.
