by Ann Hunter
Joe could barely look her in the eye. She pressed her lips to his forehead. “Love you, Pop. I really do. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
In the palest blue of morning light, Joe watched two girls walk toward him and the track. He knew it was Brooke and Alex, but it wasn’t what he saw. No, walking toward him with Promenade in tow was Rowan and Angelina.
Joe pinched the bridge of his nose, wincing. “Damn these eyes.”
Brooke settled in beside him at the outside rail of North Oak’s training track. She took out a clipboard and jotted down a few notes.
“She's not ready,” Joe said.
Brooke didn't look up. “I know what I'm doing, Pop.”
“Yeah,” Joe grumbled. “You think you know.”
Her shoulders tensed at the words. Don’t think he didn’t notice. He was still raw over staying in an empty apartment last night.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited North. He’ll be here any second.” Brooke gripped her stopwatch and glued her eyes to the far side of the track.
They clicked their stopwatches simultaneously when Alex crouched low over Promenade's withers at the 5/8 pole. She hugged the rail as Promenade zipped along, coming up behind two other horses working.
Joe's teeth clenched as Alex forced a hole to open for her and Promenade between the other two horses, wove through them, and powered on by.
Reckless, Joe thought.
Alex rode with her whole body, kneading her fists along Promenade's neck and booting him home as they careened around the turn.
Mr. North settled in beside Joe and Brooke as Alex and Promenade blew past them. “Did you see that?” he asked.
Joe glanced down at his stopwatch. “All I see is a snot nosed kid who can't follow basic instructions.”
North chuckled and leaned in toward Brooke. “Did you?”
She nodded. “Mmm-hmm.”
Joe looked at the both of them. “What?”
“The way she rides,” North implied.
Joe spit over the rail. “She rides like a jackass.”
“Thats not what I'm saying. She rides hard, like she's got something to prove, like she wants it more than anyone else out there. Nothing Brooke did, or anything you can do, can teach Alex what we just saw.”
Joe glared at North, almost stink-eyed.
North smiled. “You can't train instinct.”
“What are you getting at?”
“I think it's time we start honing her skills. I think it's time we try to bottle lightning.” His gaze grew a little darker. “You owe me this, Joseph.”
FORGIVE HER
Eighteen years prior…
Joe gripped Dot’s frail hand, as though his strength would bind her there with him, without end.
Dot’s lips quivered. Her words came in a breath. “For…give. For-for-for.”
“Forgive,” Joe stated, wanting her to know he was there.
Dot nodded feebly.
“Who?”
“Forgive…” she locked eyes with him with the last light in them. “Forgive her.”
She laid back on her pillow, her faded eyes fluttering shut. Joe leaned forward to kiss her forehead, listening to the oxygen machines breathe life into her. It was so hard to watch her like this. It seemed so cruel to let it go on. To watch the cancer ravage her, to suffocate her slowly.
Joe had fought a war, been thrown under a pack of racehorses in his jockey days, even had his balls handed to him in a couple of fist fights, but he’d never been as scared as this. The thought of losing Dot…
He spiraled out of the little cottage Clay had granted him, bottle of Jack Daniels in his fist.
“Why, dammit?” Joe yelled at the dusky gray sky. “Why her? She’s never done anything wrong. She doesn’t deserve this.”
He took a deep swig as the heavens ripped open, pouring out their remorseless regards, and hung his head. Rain dripped down his nose. “God, take me.”
And in reply, thunder rolled.
***
Present day…
Thunder rumbled through Alex’s nightmare.
She paused on the landing at the top of a long staircase, her breathing rapid. Her heart pulsed with dread. The end of the hall opened to a storage room, with a bathroom nearby. Something dense sprawled on the ground, darker than the rest of the hallway. She was back at Haven.
Alex raced down the passage, keeping her hand against the grimy wall to guide her in the blackness. Sagging, damp wallpaper peeled beneath her fingertips. An audible drip made its way from the ceiling and pattered on the floor.
When she turned on the bathroom light, it flooded into the hall, illuminating Ashley who stared up at her. A damp stain of crimson spread over her shirt like a shattered sun.
Alex dropped to her knees, slipping in a small pool of blood. She reached forward hesitantly, flinching, as though touching Ashley might sting. As soon as their fingers met, Alex pulled her close and cradled her.
Ashley’s mouth pursed, body shuddering. She gulped air with a desperate rattle, then eased. Her head rolled toward Alex. Wide, blue-gray eyes glazed over, staring, as the light went out of her.
“Ashley? Don’t leave me, Ash!” Alex kissed Ashley’s forehead as if love was enough to bring her back. “You’re all I got. Don’t leave me.”
But Ashley was already gone. She lay heavily in Alex’s arms, and yet felt like nothing more than an envelope whose contents had been emptied. The air seemed colder, darker.
“I was hoping it was you,” growled a steely voice.
Alex jumped and turned her head. Vanessa DeGelder stood in the doorway to the spare room. She drunkenly pointed a small handgun.
An icy pit formed in Alex’s stomach as she stared at DeGelder and the gun. “What have you done?”
DeGelder lifted the gun and aimed, and Alex suddenly didn’t care if she lived or died anymore. A world without Ashley was no world at all. If she at least tried to stop this woman, it would be enough.
DeGelder pulled the trigger as Alex leapt at her.
Alex screamed.
DeGelder flew backwards as Alex tackled her to the ground. The gun released a bullet into the ceiling, matching the ka-pow Alex landed into the woman’s throat. She wrestled the gun from DeGelder’s fist.
Alex pinned DeGelder’s shoulders to the floor beneath her knees, the barrel pointed at the woman’s skull. DeGelder gasped for breath. “Do it.”
Alex gritted her teeth, breathing hard. She cocked the gun, her finger trembling around the trigger. Her mind clouded.
DeGedler laughed. “No one will ever love you. No one will ever want you. You will never find a place in this world….”
Alex woke with a sharp breath, and the knowledge it had all been lies. Ashley loved her, and Alex had found a place at North Oak. They’d both moved on. So why this nightmare again?
Alex rubbed her face as dawn’s first blush crept into her room. She willed herself to ditch her past already, surrender her anger and malice. She was free and innocent. “Let go,” she urged herself quietly.
Where could she turn for peace?
The answer was obvious. She only had a few weeks left before Promenade would be swept away to the races again, and she to school. Alex dressed, and was out the door quickly.
Since it was Sunday, she didn’t expect anyone to be in the barns. Most of the folks around the farm had the day off. Alex was glad the Showmans never forced her to go to church, except on holidays. The horses still got fed and watered, but no one had to really work.
She stopped short in the training barn breezeway when she spotted Dejado in front of Promenade’s stall. The colt stood partway out from his door, as Dejado played with him; he scratched behind his jaw, and tugged Promenade’s lolling tongue.
Alex’s fingers closed into a fist. She could barely stand seeing them together, let alone the way Dejado chuckled when Promenade head-butted him. She was just about to storm forward when Carol appeared around the corner closest to
Dejado. What was she doing here?
Alex ducked into the feed room and eavesdropped.
“Are you sure it’s not just a case of wanting what you can’t have?” Carol asked him.
“You said yourself that earning her trust would make me a better person. Who says I can’t have that? To learn from her, so I can be better for her.”
“But she’ll hurt you.”
Dejado nudged Promenade back into his stall and shut the door. “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?”
“What do you like about her anyway?” Carol asked, shifting her gaze to him slowly. “She can be pretty terrible.”
“But that’s just it,” he answered. “She’s real. She doesn’t try to pretend to be anyone else. She doesn’t even hide behind makeup.”
Carol thought she was terrible? Alex leaned her forehead against the doorway. Gee, thanks, bestie.
Carol sighed, “She’s stubborn, and proud, and sometimes she loves you so fiercely it’s overwhelming. But the only thing you can do is love her hard right back. And I do. I love her. Because without Alex, I don’t think I’d be here.”
Alex lifted her head, a jumble of emotion tumbling inside her. Carol knew Alex resented Dejado. So if she loved her so much, why was she trying to get in with him? Wasn’t there a thing about sisters before misters?
Carol scratched Promenade’s nose through the bars of his stall. “So what are we? Friends?”
“More than friends.” Dejado smiled.
“Alex’s fall back plan.”
“That sounds terrible.”
“But that’s it, isn’t it? That’s what we’re there for. To catch her when she falls.”
“A team.”
“Yeah. We’ll be there for her, and there for eachother. Deal?”
“Agreed.”
Alex’s eyes widened. She couldn’t hold back any longer and charged around the corner. “You’re with him?”
Carol jumped. “Yes. Well, no.” She looked between them, blushing. “Not like that. I’m with him, but not with him with him.”
Alex squinted at them, then jabbed an accusing finger into Carol. “You’re conspiring.”
“I’m just trying to help you.” Carol pushed her hand away.
“Well stop.”
“I want you to be happy.”
Alex rounded. “I am happy. See?” She pointed to her gritted teeth. “Happy, happy, happy.”
Carol turned to Dejado. “Excuse us?”
He nodded and headed outside. “I’ll wait for you.”
Alex’s mouth dropped. Her mind flew into overdrive. Had Carol been telling him all of her secrets too?
“Why is it every time I turn around, you’re flapping your mouth at someone? Have you told him everything?”
Carol folded her arms. “What? No!”
“Why are you together?” Alex circled her
“Y’know you’re kind of acting like Brooke when…”
“Are you saying I’m jealous?”
Carol smirked.
Alex’s chest burned. Her breaths came faster and more coarsely. She took a step back. “I’m not jealous.”
Carol tilted her head in that way she did when she didn’t believe Alex. “You kind of obsess over him.”
Alex looked away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Dejado took my horse. Dejado took my horse,” Carol pipped in a high-pitched, teasing voice.
He’d also taken Carol from the looks of it. Wait, where did that even come from? “Why don’t you run to him now, since you like him so much,” Alex spat.
Carol rolled her eyes. “Please. He’s teaching me to drive, you dork.”
Alex bit her lip, not sure what to say.
Carol sighed. “I guess I deserve this reaction from you. I was probably wrong when I told your folks about stuff, but I’m not sorry. We can’t have secrets when they hurt you.”
Carol pulled her close and wrapped her arms around her. Alex stood there, semi-stunned.
“When will you get it through your thick bull head that I would do anything for you?” Carol murmured, “I meant it when I said I love you. Jeez.”
Alex couldn’t look her in the eye when she let go. She saw Carol scrutinize her from the edge of her gaze, though.
“But then maybe it’s not him or me that’s bothering you. Is it Ashley still?”
Alex bit her lip fully.
Carol held her shoulders. “Why do you dwell on her death, instead of the time you had together? Change your story.”
Alex shook her head. “It’s not Ashley.”
“Who, then?”
Alex finally looked up, her jaw set. “I don’t have regrets, okay?” She shook, her words growing stronger. She pulled away from Carol. “I’m glad she’s gone. I can forgive myself for stopping her. What I can’t forgive is what she did.”
“That woman.”
Alex turned away, trying to escape, but Carol caught her.
“Maybe that’s what’s haunting you. You need to forgive her. You need to let go.”
“She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”
“That could be true, but that’s not for you to decide in the end. Offer your heart to the Lord. He’ll handle the rest.”
Alex glared over her shoulder. “You and the God guy. He seems to call a lot of the shots. I don’t buy it for a minute.”
“How much of what weighs you down is not yours to carry? Give your problem to the bigger force in the universe, then. You can’t live on a racing and breeding farm, watching miracles spiral by you every day, and tell me there’s not a bigger force— a larger purpose— to this world. There’s more to this life, don’t you want to feel it?”
KISS ME GOODNIGHT
Eighteen years prior…
It wasn’t long after Dot stopped eating that the rest of her began to fail. Joe wasn’t sure if the feeding tube that hospice placed was even worth it. And all the damned pills and IVs they’d set up, too. It was stealing her away from him.
It wouldn’t be long now.
“Do you remember the song that played when we met?” Joe crossed to her, turning on the CD player as he passed.
“Would you like to dance?” He slipped one arm behind her, and held her close, swaying to the music. “Unforgettable. That’s what you are.”
Ravaged; left with a shell. Was this any way to live? Though he felt her slipping away, he refused to let go. “And forever more, that’s how you’ll stay.”
His throat tightened as he struggled through the words.
“That’s why, darling, it’s incredible that someone so unforgettable—”
“Joe. I’m so tired,” she whispered hoarsely.
He nodded slowly and eased her back down. She felt so fragile in his arms, he was afraid she might shatter like a doll. The night they met, he should’ve kissed her and never let go; the way he wanted to now. He hoped she didn’t notice him trembling, or the tears that threatened to overflow after eroding his heart for so long.
“Not goodbye. Only goodnight.” She caressed his cheek. “I’ll see you when I wake.”
Joe’s chin trembled, knowing she wasn’t waking up. He leaned in to kiss her one last time. “Goodnight, Dot.”
POP
Present day….
“Brooke’s done more for me than you have. You won’t even give me the time of day, and when you do, it’s time for chores.”
“Please, Pop. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”
Joe’s eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”
Alex threw her hands up in frustration. He still hadn’t given her a break. She’d gotten one ride on Promenade, but only because of Brooke. “Everyone has their permit but me. Dejado can ride, Carol can drive, and I’m standin’ still.” She looked him dead in the eye. “Why you riding him and not me?”
The words struck him, haunting him with Rowan’s voice.
“Why does she get your love and I don’t, huh? What makes her so specia
l?”
Couldn’t she see where his best chances lie? It was never about favorites. Or was it?
“Basics,” Joe said bluntly. “He listens. He follows instructions. Does what he’s told.”
“That’s it? You’d rather have a trained monkey than a real rider,” Alex blurted.
“You’re no rider, kid. You’re not even fifteen. So get off your high horse and get back to work.”
She slapped her hand over her chest. “I ride with my heart.”
“That’s the problem.” He shook his head. “You don’t use your brain.”
“I’m— ”
“You’re a real rider when I say you are. Now get out of my face.”
Alex bit her lip, then pivoted and marched from the office, punching the doorframe as she went.
Joe turned his gaze back to Brooke. “And as for you…”
“You’re making a mistake, Pop.”
“My time is better spent developing a rider with a license than on some greenie with outlandish ideas. You’ve got to stop filling her head. She’ll get on a horse when the time is right.”
“But she has passion,” Brooke interceded. “Didn’t you ever have a dream, Pop? Or did they die with Mom and Gran?”
“Careful,” he growled.
“If you could just get through your own issues, you’d see she needs your help. You need to let go in order to move on, Pop. Your past it blocking our future. She could reach her potential if you’d just live up to yours.”
***
Eighteen years prior…
Joe buried her in late winter, when snowdrops began to push through the ground. She took with her most of his heart. The following days were spent mostly in the cottage, taking to whisky to numb the emptiness. Clay never saw him except at morning workouts, half sober and mostly robotic.
He’d come calling from time to time, but Joe never answered. Except the one night one of the worst spring storms in southwest Kentucky hit. Who would dare leave their house in such a gale?
