by Lexi Ryan
***
“So how are you feeling?” Nix asks when I’m sitting in her office on Wednesday morning.
“I’ve been nauseated a couple times, but I think it’s just stress. You know, weddings,” I say lamely.
“How are the headaches?”
“I haven’t had a headache in probably a week.”
“That’s great news.” She looks in my eyes and ears. “And you said you’re getting some of your memories back?”
“Some,” I say, “not all. It’s frustrating, but I’m trying to be patient.”
“What about the other thing we talked about in the hospital?”
I raise a brow.
“Do you feel safe?” She pauses a beat. “Is Max good to you?”
“Oh! Of course.” I wave my hand. “Seriously, I’m sure I just fell down the stairs. Max is a prince.”
She frowns. “Your sister says you’ve been spending time with her and Maggie again, not isolating yourself like you had been. That’s a good sign.”
“Of course. Other than Cally, my sisters are my best friends.”
“Keep that up. It’s important that you have a support system, not just Max.”
“I will. I promise.”
She nods, looking satisfied. “Did you fast this morning?”
I wince. “Crap. I totally forgot you wanted to do blood work.”
“That’s okay.” She smiles and lowers herself into her chair. “You can swing by the lab any morning to get that done, but I can guess already that it’s going to look better.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, in the two and a half weeks since you’ve been out of the hospital, you’ve gained about six pounds. I know without seeing your lab work that you’re eating again. That’s good news.”
“You’re the first doctor who’s ever called my weight gain good news.” I can’t handle the sympathy in her sad smile, so I study the blue specks on the industrial-grade flooring tiles. “Did you know? About the anorexia?”
Nix takes a breath, surprised at my confession, I guess. “I suspected, but you weren’t very receptive when I tried to talk to you about it over the summer.”
“Do you think I can start working out again? Running?”
“Let’s start with a week of light, low-impact workouts. If that goes okay, you can try a short run. Just ease back in and listen to your body. But I don’t want you working out more than once a day, got it?”
“I’m scared I’m going to gain it all back.” I hate admitting this. I hate letting someone see how much my stupid body affects how I feel about myself. “But I think I’m just as scared of letting food control my life, letting my desire to be thin ruin everything else.” When I lift my head to meet her gaze, there’s more understanding in her eyes than I expected.
“You’re probably going to put on some more weight, at least some of it. When you lose weight in such an unhealthy way, your body can’t maintain it when you go back to eating and exercising normally. There will be an adjustment period where you figure out what weight you can maintain while eating regularly and having a healthy relationship with exercise.”
I nod, but my eyes fill and I have to look away. I only have a few recovered memories of Nix, and I don’t know how close we are. But if I voice my fears to Liz, she’ll just be mad at me.
“What is it, Hanna?”
The floor’s blue specks swim before my eyes. A tear plops onto the tile next to my sandaled foot. “What if the weight comes back and Max isn’t attracted to me anymore?”
“Oh, sweetie.” Then she surprises me by hugging me, wrapping me up against her.
“Are doctors supposed to hug their patients?” I ask, hugging her back awkwardly.
“I’m not hugging you as your doctor. I’m hugging you as your friend.” She squeezes one more time before releasing me. “You need to talk to Max. You can’t live the rest of your life fearing that he might not want you.”
