“Maddy, please,” Lacey finally said, her voice softening. “This is the first boyfriend you’ve had since Kevin. I need to make sure you’re okay.”
Tears sprung up in Madeline’s eyes and she batted her eyelids quickly in a desperate attempt to cease their flow.
“I’m okay,” she whispered.
“No, you’re not. I can hear you crying. Whatever it was that made you break it off with Hunter, I won’t judge you. I just want to help. Please. Come over.”
Madeline looked around her bedroom, at the bed sheets that were in a tangle. Portia lay in buried in them next to her. Then she glanced at the empty wrappers of snacks laying on the floor, and at the curtains still drawn shut, trying hard to block out the sunlight. The room was stale, but full of comfort, and although she desperately wanted to pull the twisted up sheets over her head, she knew she couldn’t hide forever. Time always, inevitably, marched onward.
It was almost as relentless as Lacey.
She cleared her voice. “Yeah, sure. I’ll be over in an hour.”
“Half hour.”
“You really want me to shower first, Lacey. I’ve been wearing the same panties for two days.”
“Ew,” Lacey said. “I emphatically say TMI. Shower and then get your clean ass over here.”
The line went dead, and Madeline slowly sat down her phone. The tempting embrace of numbness called to her, a siren song that promised freedom from the heart break. But instead, with Lacey’s voice ringing through her mind, she rose and headed toward the bathroom.
She showered, dressed, and even drove with a detachment that probably wasn’t the safest course of action, but it was all she could muster. She didn’t even knock on the front door, just walked in and headed to the kitchen at the back of the house. Lacey handed her a mug of hot tea before holding up a bottle of brandy.
“I know you detest milk in your tea, so would you like a shot?”
Madeline eyed the alcohol. Part of her craved the forgetfulness that getting drunk would provide. But then she’d be heartbroken with a hangover, and that didn’t appeal very well at all.
“No, thanks.”
Lacey sat the brandy down. “So why don’t you tell me the real reason you broke up with Hunter.”
Madeline sighed and placed the mug down before turning away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Lacey grabbed her arm, turning her back around. “Tough. What’s going on in that brain of yours? You can’t be that scared.”
Exasperated, Madeline jerked her arm away. “Really? You think I’m scared? Do I really need to outline the problem?”
“That’s what I thought,” Lacey said as she folded her arms across her chest. “Is this all because you had a hysterectomy?”
“You make it sound like it’s nothing,” Madeline snapped. Hurt bubbled inside. She’d been so young when it happened. Not only had she lost body parts and her dreams of kids in her life and any chance of having a child, she lost her fiancé too. The hysterectomy was something. It was a huge bloody elephant in every ‘relationship room’ she’d ever be in for the rest of her life. “Something silly. Jesus, Lacey, it’s not just about my operation! He’s only thirty-three. How do I tell him if he falls in love with me, becomes committed to me, he loses all hope of being a father? I can’t do that to him. Kevin reminded me what it was like for him to lose that aspect of the future. I won’t burden Hunter with choosing between me and a future that has a family in it.”
“You think I’m not mature enough to make that choice for my future?” Hunter said from behind her.
WTF? Hunter’s voice caused a cascade of embarrassment to slide down her spine as her stomach clenched with shame. Madeline spun to face him, staring at him with wide eyes for a moment before throwing a dark glower toward Lacey. Lacey raised her hands and slowly backed out of the room, leaving them alone.
Madeline huffed and shook her head. “Damn it, Hunter.”
“Is that why you broke up with me? Because you had a hysterectomy?”
“I had it for medical reasons,” she stated. Her chin went up a notch. “I’m … I’m just not the girl for you.”
“Bullshit,” he spat. “I wish you had been honest with me when you told me it was over.”
Madeline took a deep breath to rein in the aggravation she was experiencing. She may not have liked how he and Lacey had played her, but now that he was here and her reasons were out in the open, she might as well see the conversation through to the end. “You need to find someone your own age.”
“You act like you’re ancient. Christ, Madeline, you’re only five years older than I am!”
“I’ll be forty on my next birthday.”
“Five years, fifty years. Who the fuck cares?”
“I care! And you’ll care when you decide you want—”
She abruptly shut up, blinking furiously to hold back her tears.
“When I decide what?” he demanded. “If or when I want to procreate?”
“I can’t have children,” she choked out the words then cleared her throat. “I lost my right ovary and fallopian tube when I was twenty-eight. I lost my uterus at age thirty-four.”
“From what?” he asked.
“Endometriosis. It’s a problem with certain women and their periods. It’s painful. Like, all the time pain, even with taking medicine. I would have maybe five good days a month when I wasn’t hit with cramps, or anxiety, or depression. I had a severe case of it and the scaring resulted in… You know what? Never mind. It’s not important.”
“Don’t say that! Of course it’s important.”
“Why? Because I’m less of a woman?”
“Did he say that to you?”
“Kevin ended our engagement while I was in the hospital, recovering from surgery. He didn’t have to say it. His actions and reactions to it all were pretty clear.”
“Bastard,” he muttered.
“He did the right thing for him,” she said. “I was your age when I lost the ability to have children. I refuse to take your chance of having kids away from you.”
“So instead you’ve decided to take this choice, the one that has you and me together, away from me instead of the other one? You don’t even know if I want children or not.”
She cocked her head. “Do you?”
He hesitated and her heart stopped for a moment. She had her answer. She walked over to the table and picked up her purse.
“What are you doing?” he demanded.
“You and I, what we had, it was special. Magical. But it’s over, Hunter.”
He shook his head. “You can’t drop this bombshell on me and then just quit us. I need time to digest this.”
“My fiancé thought he could handle it,” she said as if he hadn’t spoken. “But as I lay under the knife, he came to realization that he didn’t want to give up his dream of being a father.”
“And what about your dreams? He wasn’t even there for you.”
Pushing down all the anger and hurt from that dark time in her past, she shrugged. She had to feign indifference, pretend like it didn’t matter anymore. To do otherwise would be too painful to bear. “He came to the conclusion that I wasn’t the right woman for him and I don’t blame him. At least I don’t blame him much.”
“So that’s it? You’re not even giving me the chance or a choice?”
“We both know how this is going to end, Hunter—”
“I don’t know. Since you have some kind of crystal ball that’s letting you know how I think and feel and that’s showing you the future, you tell me how it ends.” He put his hands on his hips and waited.
Madeline slammed her purse back down and pointed at him. “You’ll tell me it won’t matter and I’ll cave in because I desperately want to believe you. And everything will be happy, except one day you’ll watch a family playing with their child. A man proud of his son or doting on his daughter, and you’ll realize you’ll never have that. You won’t be able to carry on the Calegari name. Won
’t be able to give your parents grandchildren. And you’ll become resentful. Maybe not enough to break up with me, but enough to darken that love you say you have for me.”
“Well, thanks so much for making me sound like a fucking asshole, Madeline.”
“I’m not the girl for you, Hunter. I’m not the girl for anyone. Besides, you hesitated…” She gave him a small, sad smile. “Because deep down you want children. You should find a woman your age, or younger, who can give you what you want.”
“I have found what I want,” he stressed. “I have found someone, and that someone is you. Only you’re being annoyingly obstinate.”
“Hunter—”
He threw his hands up in the air with an exasperated huff. “My hesitation was due to the fact that you sprang a momentous life decision on me, without any warning I might add, and expected an immediate answer. I’m left wondering how the hell I’m supposed to articulate what I want while at the same time not lose you in the process. You’re not giving me a hell of a lot of maneuvering space, Madeline. I love you. I don’t want to lose you, but you’re not allowing me the chance to discuss this issue, let alone come up with alternatives.”
“Alternatives? Like what? Adoption?”
“Yes, we can always do that if we decide to start a family. I have nothing against adoption.”
“That’s such a robotic response,” she snapped. “People always say they can adopt. Then, when it comes down to it, the need for a biological offspring overrides the wish to raise someone else’s child. I said… I said…”
If I had stayed with you, you would’ve taken away my decision to be a father without once consulting me. Don’t you think that’s more of a dick move? Kevin’s words came back with a mighty force of wind, blowing away her anger and leaving her bereft of the emotional platform she’d worked so hard to heave herself upon. Tears welled up in her eyes.
“Madeline?”
She held up a finger, giving herself a moment to clear the tight emotion clogging her throat. “I said the same thing to Kevin. We can adopt. But he told me no man would ever want anything other than his own child. And so this brings us back to the beginning. I can’t have kids. You want kids. I cannot give them to you. So we can’t be together.”
He wiped a tear trickling forlornly down her cheek. “I don’t want us to split up. Especially over something like this.”
“Okay, that’s it!” Lacey cried out from the other room. She charged into the kitchen with a determined scowl upon her face. “No one is breaking up with anyone.”
Madeline blinked in surprise. She had forgotten Lacey was near-by, eavesdropping.
Lacey pointed a finger at Madeline. “You still have an ovary, which means you still have eggs.” She swiveled her finger until it landed in Hunter’s direction. “And I’m guessing you have lots of healthy sperm. So when the time is right, we’ll get a doctor to mix them up because I have a womb you can rent.”
Hunter looked as confused as she felt.
“Uh … Lacey? You feeling okay?” Madeline asked. “You once told me that you didn’t want kids. Like, ever.”
“Right,” Lacey said, nodding her head in agreement. “I don’t. I’d much prefer to be the cool aunt who can spoil them rotten, give them a sugar high, and hand them back to their parents. But it doesn’t mean I can’t carry and bear one or two for my best friend, who has found the love of her life. You and Hunter would be awesome parents. I can’t think of two people who are more deserving. And this bullshit of giving Hunter permission for him to find a baby mama isn’t cool, Maddy. You’re just inventing excuses now because you’re gun shy. But I told you once and I’ll tell you again. Don’t fuck this up!”
“So you’re offering to be our surrogate?” Hunter asked.
Lacey gave him two thumbs up. “Although stand-in baby mama has a better ring to it, don’t you think?”
“Wait a minute!” Madeline cried. “Lacey, do you know what you’re saying?”
“Of course I do,” Lacey replied. “English was one of my better subjects in school.”
“No, I meant do you understand what you just said. We’re not talking about you lending me your car, Lacey. You’d be pregnant.”
Lacey held up her hand. “First, I’d never let you borrow my car. Second, I know what being pregnant entails. Hormone surges, cravings, vomiting, being fat … yada yada yada.”
“There’s a little more to it than that.”
Lacey walked over to her and hugged Madeline. “I know. I understand completely what I’m saying. I’ve actually thought about it for a while, ever since Kevin walked out on you.”
Madeline pulled back to frown at her. “What made you think at the time of being a surrogate at that time?”
“Because I thought you might need something in your life to help you heal. But in my mind, it was either Jason or Jake donating sperm.”
“Ew,” Madeline said, scrunching up her nose. “That’d be too weird.”
“Tell me about it. My first thought was John, but then … no.”
Madeline chuckled. “You’d actually do this for me?”
“Maddy, you’re my best friend. My sister. My family. I’d do anything to make you happy.”
“Can I borrow your car?”
“Absolutely not.”
They smiled at each other. Then Madeline looked over at Hunter.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
He nodded. “Looks like we have more things to talk about.”
“You’re not giving up on me? Even though I was acting like a neurotic basket case?”
Lacey let her go and gave a jaunty wave. “Now that the womb crisis is over, you two need to date like normal people. But no fucking on my kitchen table. I’ve got to eat there, ya know.”
She sailed out the door, leaving Madeline and Hunter staring at one another.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
“I’m wondering if you can ever trust me.”
His words punched her in the gut, and the pain shot straight to her heart. “Of course I trust you.”
“No, you don’t,” he said, shaking his head. “Or you would’ve talked to me instead of hiding. Instead of running. I’m not Kevin.”
“I know.” Guilt clawed at her insides, trying to cripple her with shame. She blinked tears away. “But his words haunt me. I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m holding your back from something. I’m sorry, Hunter.”
“I’ve already forgiven you, Madeline. But that’s not what this is about.”
“At the beginning of you and me, I thought this would be a light-hearted moment. A friends with benefits affair.” She gestured between them. “I never expected this, you know.”
“There was something about you that drew me in,” he said. “I fell in love with you, not some futuristic idea of two point five kids and a white picket fence. But in order for us to work, you’ve got to trust that I’m not going to hide my feelings. At the same time, you can’t treat me like I don’t know my own mind. Don’t protect me in an effort to protect yourself.”
“I’m scared,” she admitted.
“I know,” he said. He took hold of her hand and linked their fingers. “But you’ve got to ask yourself if you’re ready for a relationship. If you’re ready to not be alone. I want a partner in life, and I want that partner to be you.”
She smiled at him. “I want that too, Hunter.”
“All right.” He gave a gentle squeeze to her hand. “Then let’s work on that. We’ll take each step one at a time. When it’s right for us. Sound good?”
She nodded. “Perfect.
Chapter Fourteen
Madeline checked her reflection in her rearview mirror one last time before exiting her car. It’d been two weeks since her talk with Hunter in Lacey’s kitchen, and they’d agreed to take a step back and date. Get to know one another on a deeper level than just jumping into bed at the earliest convenience.
Not that she didn’t want him anymore. Every time they tal
ked, Hunter’s voice slid over like a stimulating caress. When he had suggested meeting for lunch at the tea house in Chinatown Plaza, she couldn’t stop the excitement sizzling through her veins.
Now, as she hurried to meet him, she wondered how they would act seeing each other for the first time since their mini break-up.
Or, more specially, how she would react.
The tea house was crowded, but Hunter already sat at a table. He raised his hand when she entered and Madeline’s heart thumped with happiness.
Hunter stood and leaned over to kiss her lightly on the cheek.
“Hello, Madeline,” he said.
Madeline smiled. “Hi.”
He waited until she seated herself before following. A ceramic tea pot already sat on the table, with two cups and a variety of sweeteners and cream.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he murmured, gesturing to the tea. “I ordered some black tea for us.”
“That’s fine,” she replied. “How’ve you been?”
“I’ve missed you,” he admitted.
“I’ve missed you too.”
He held out his hand and she took it, linking their fingers.
“This is good,” he said with a smile.
“Yes.” Contentment washed through her. This was easy. For some reason she’d been picturing something difficult between them to overcome, but maybe all she needed was space.
Madeline let go of his hand to pour them tea. Absently she put some sweetener in her tea and then picked up the cream and poured it into his.
“Is that the way Kevin drank his tea?”
She stopped in mid-pour. She looked from him to the tea to the cream and then back to him. “Oh my God.
He took the creamer away and sat it down. “I thought so.”
“I’m sorry,” she murmured and rubbed the spot between her eyes. “Yeah, he liked milk in his tea. How’d you know?”
“Because Lacey said you didn’t. Put two and two together.”
Between You and I Page 8
