by Lacey Alpha
“Please talk to me.”
“I've been having aversion therapy to deal with the voice in my head,” he reveals, his tone cool.
My frown deepens, my mind reeling.
“Aversion therapy?” I spit. “This is extreme Ethan. No one should hurt you like this in the name of therapy.”
“It helps,” he insists.
“This isn't help!” I snap, anger burning in my chest again. “This is torture. This is breaking you.”
He cups my cheek, his mouth a thin line. “I can look at you now.”
“At what cost?” I stand, unable to look at him a second longer.
I pace the room, trying to calm down, trying to figure this out.
“Who's your therapist?” I snarl the word. Whoever it is should have their license revoked.
“It doesn't matter.”
“It does!” I spin around to face him again.
His huge form looks somehow vulnerable, his expression bleak, his posture defeated. I rush to him, unable to bear it.
I drop onto his lap, careful not to touch his torso with mine. Tentatively I curl my hands around his neck, leaning in, kissing him, desperate to bring him back to me.
He barely responds, letting me kiss him until I'm crying.
I sob, dropping my head and hiding my face in his neck. His hands slowly circle around me, pulling me to him.
“Annalise,” he sighs and I sob harder, clutching him but trying not to hurt him.
My tears run over his skin, down his shoulder, wetting the space between us.
“Lise,” he says, his tone a fraction softer.
I tilt my head up, kissing him again, trying to encourage him to respond. His hand slips into my hair and I move my mouth more urgently against his.
He grows between my thighs and I hope that means this is working. I clutch his hair tightly, moving my mouth to his ear.
“I love you.” My voice trembles. I've never said that to anyone. But being here now, seeing him like this, I know I do. I know without even having to consider it.
He clutches my hips, suddenly firmer.
I lean back, finding light in his eyes, sparking hope in my chest.
“Ethan?” I beg, my eyes flicking between his.
“Oh Lise...” He ducks his head into my shoulder, clutching me so tight it hurts.
I don't care about the pain, I only care that he's responding at last, coming back to me. And I can't stop until he's returned.
I kiss him again, reaching between us, sliding down the zip on his jeans and thumbing the button free of the hole.
I tug up my skirt, pushing my knickers aside and drawing him against me.
His mouth parts as I slide him into me and I release a moan.
His lips meet mine, his tongue sliding into my mouth, driving the kiss at last. I grind my hips, rising and falling on him, clutching his neck for support.
A low noise rolls up his throat and he suddenly takes control, driving me down onto him.
I gasp at the full sensation, hardly able to take him all the way in.
“Ethan, come back to me,” I plead and he meets my eyes, his expression still dark.
“You're everything,” he says, like he's remembering a fact.
I bite my lip as he pulls me down hard, pleasure rocketing through me. “Oh Ethan.”
“I've wanted you for such a long time.” He grips my thighs, his fingers near-bruising my skin.
“What?” I breathe, unsure what he means.
He stands, lifting me, holding my behind in his hands. Turning, he drops me onto the bed, falling after me, crushing me. He knots his fingers into my hands, pushing them above my head.
“Ethan, you're hurt,” I try but he rubs his torso against me without even wincing.
“I've wanted you Annalise. For longer than you know.”
I moan, arching my back, trying to understand his words.
He takes me hard, forceful, driving into me, panting as he claims my body. I cry out as I try to bear it for his sake.
Thankfully, he slows down, giving me some reprieve, his mouth by my ear.
“And now you're here, saying you love me, offering me your body. How can I resist that? How can I?” He's angry now, his thrusting growing stronger again.
He pounds me relentlessly, so hard it hurts.
“Wait- slow down,” I plead, wincing.
He ducks his head to my neck, biting, sucking, slowing his hips so I'm given some relief.
I moan, hugging him, my heart feeling like it's trying to fight its way out of my chest to reach his.
As I dive into ecstasy, I'm lost to him, letting his body surround me, consume me.
He holds my waist, gazing down at me, looking primal in his dark passion.
“You're extraordinary,” he pants, pulling me to him, taking his climax from me.
He sighs his relief, falling still, his strong arms holding me perfectly in place. I relish him using me that way, willingly giving him every part of myself for his pleasure.
ETHAN
I'm splitting at the seams, a zip running down my middle. But perhaps I'm not coming apart, perhaps I'm evolving.
I lay my weight on Annalise, my head on her chest. I listen as her heart beats harder, locked inside her chest, safely caged away from me.
I want to reach beneath her skin and learn the way her bones work. I want to peel her apart, see every layer, see straight to her soul.
She runs her hands through my hair, her breathing ragged.
“I'm terrified of loving you,” she admits, sounding pained. “But I hope I'm brave enough to try.”
I'm overwhelmed with the urge to say it back, but bite hard down on my tongue to stop myself. I can't love. I don't know how to. I'm not capable of it.
I'm a black pit, drawing in her light, stealing her purity and letting it fill me up. And I've lost the ability to fight it.
“Say something,” she whispers, making my heart twist.
I say the only thing that comes to mind, the honest truth, “I wish I was another man, someone purer, someone worthy of your love.”
“Ethan,” she rebukes, pushing herself up, encouraging me to move.
I roll off of her, wincing as the cuts on my body sting.
She props herself up on an elbow, leaning over me. “You are worthy. More than worthy. And there's no one I want here with me but you.”
I frown, not looking at her, eyeing the clock on the wall.
Time's nothing to me. Hasn't been for years. Without work or routine, clocks become irrelevant. But now it has meaning again. It's a countdown, until the moment she learns the truth. Until the moment I lose her forever.
I watch the seconds ticking by, knowing each precious moment is one I will never get back with her.
I roll toward her, pulling her into my arms, lost to her scent, her soft body. I pull her top up, removing it and kissing her chest.
I eye her stomach, her hips, finding my fingers marked on her skin. I grimace, pulling away.
“I hurt you again,” I snarl, sickened with myself.
She catches my jaw before I can turn away, making me face her. “You just don't know your own strength.”
“Why do you make excuses for me?” I shake my head, trying to figure it out. It makes no sense that she's so determined to see the good in me. Why does she do it? To fool herself?
I meet her eyes and I'm met with a sharp flash of fire in my chest.
The pain is back in a wave, making me lurch away.
Her eyes go wide, blazing at me. And suddenly it's her. I'm there again, watching her burn, flames heating my skin.
I rear upwards, clutching my head in my hands. “Fuck.”
Her arms slip around my waist, taking a careful route to avoid the marks on my torso. She kisses my shoulder. “We'll find a way for you to look at me, Ethan. But promise me you won't hurt yourself again.”
I take her hands, winding my fingers into hers. “It worked, though.”
“I
t broke you,” she snaps.
I frown. Is she right? Did Clarissa break me? Does that mean I'm right again? Well...as right as I was before.
Still a fuck up.
And there it is. The voice, back in full force. Annalise is right, the therapy didn't work. Whatever it did to me, wasn't good. I don't want to feel that way ever again, like nothing lives inside my body.
But Annalise brought me back, with her soft touch and her determination, her love.
I squeeze her fingers, grateful beyond belief. “Thank you,” I breathe.
“Don't ever check out on me again,” she pleads, kissing me.
“I promise.” And I mean it. No more of Clarissa's fucked up therapy. I need to talk to her. To sort this out. I'm not sure if she can still be my therapist, not after what she's done to my body. I feel exposed to her. She's seen more of myself than Annalise has, and I don't like that one bit.
Annalise scrambles to her feet. “Shit.” She snatches her top from the floor, tugging it on.
“What's wrong?” I stand, hovering around her as she grabs her bag.
“My interview. I rescheduled it for today. I can't be late.” She moves to leave but I catch her wrist, tugging her into my arms and laying a kiss on her soft lips.
She melts in my arms and I relish the feel of her absolute surrender to me.
After a minute, she tries to wriggle free but I hold on to her, deepening the kiss.
“Ethan,” she giggles, slipping away.
I watch her go, breathless and yearning.
She glances back before she heads out the door, her cheeks pinking.
She's so beautiful, shining at me like a new penny. Unspoilt by any hand but mine.
“Bye,” she breathes, disappearing like a light extinguishing in the room.
⊱✿ ✿⊰
I call Clarissa, asking to meet with her. She fits me into a slot in an hour's time. Our conversation is short, clipped, full of all the unspoken words of what she did to me earlier today. I plan to speak with her about her so-called therapy. Maybe Annalise is right, maybe what she did to me was wrong.
I move to my desk, dropping down and preparing to pour my thoughts into my journal.
You saved me from the darkness, and this time I was truly lost. I don't know what that means, but I'm certain it's important. The problem is, I'm starting to rely on you. And I'm torn between wanting to break that bond and wanting to give into it forever. But once you know what I am, you'll leave anyway. So what do I do?
I want to keep you a little longer...but I don't think I'm ever going to have had enough. One day you are going to look at me and see a different man. You'll see my twisted soul and hate me for what I've done to you. I'm standing on the train tracks, waiting for the train. And when it hits, I don't know how I'll survive.
As I finish writing, I flip the cover closed, gazing at the book in my hands. I'll give it to Clarissa today. It pains me to do so, but I don't think I can put it off any longer.
I head to the clinic, arriving ten minutes early and heading upstairs.
The receptionist gives me her peaceful smile, gesturing for me to take a seat.
I grow anxious as I wait, unsure how I'll feel when I see Clarissa. When I left her house this morning, it was like she owned me. And I hope I've shaken that claim from my body. I hope Annalise has banished it for good.
I eye the receptionist, her blissful expression capturing my attention. What must it be like to feel that way? Completely at peace. Is she truly as untroubled as she seems?
Clarrisa appears, her exterior particularly harsh today, her hair wound into a tight bun, her clothes fitted and formal.
I stand, moving toward her with my journal tucked under my arm, her dark green eyes locking with mine.
A bright, sunny voice fills the air, “Ethan?”
My stomach jolts sharply as Annalise appears behind Clarissa, hurrying toward me.
Oh fuck.
Clarissa's eyes snap to the back of her head as she runs to embrace me. Horror washes over me as I stand limp in her arms, gazing at Clarissa over her head.
“Ethan?” Clarissa's voice is high and unforgiving. “You know each other?”
Annalise turns, her hand slipping into mine. I extract it immediately but the damage is already done.
Fuck!
Annalise steps away, glancing between Clarissa and I, a dawning comprehension filling her eyes.
“You...wait. She's your therapist?!” Annalise says, her eyes wide.
I nod mutely, my gaze fixed on Clarissa. I try to warn her off with my eyes, begging her not to say anything. Not to give away who I am.
I can't lose Annalise like this.
Clarissa moves toward us, her shoulders squared toward me. “Miss Drake just got a position here.”
“I got it?” she says in alarm, turning to her.
“Oh yes. You'll fit in very well here.” Clarissa's eyes remain on me as she talks.
I move toward Clarissa, wanting to stop this before it goes any further, but not knowing how.
“My appointment?” I press, glaring at her, my heart thumping hard against my chest.
Annalise's eyes slide onto Clarissa, filling with suspicion.
Please let this end. Please.
“Come on then,” Clarissa says lightly, nodding to Annalise.
I move to follow but Annalise catches my hand. I glance back, pulling away from her.
I frown at her, filling my eyes with apology, wishing I knew what to say.
She remains silent, her arms dropping to her sides as she watches me go.
Clarissa turns promptly on her heel, striding from the room with a fierce purpose.
I'm in trouble. Serious fucking trouble.
I have no idea why she didn't say anything to Annalise, but I know this isn't over.
Clarissa opens the door for me, waiting for me to enter her office. I duck my head, slipping past her, my palms beginning to sweat.
“So,” her voice rings out, cutting through me.
I drop into my usual place on the sofa, shifting awkwardly, placing the journal on my knee.
Clarissa takes a seat, deliberately slowly. She pins her gaze on me, seemingly seeing straight through to my reeling mind.
“Thank you,” I manage. “For not saying anything.”
She lets out a humourless laugh. “I haven't said anything yet, Ethan. Do not assume that I'm letting this slide.”
I nod, my mouth going bone dry.
“So?” she demands. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
I squirm in my seat, knowing she wants me to suffer through this but biting down on my tongue to keep silent.
“Are you insane?” she hisses, leaning forward, her fingers digging into her knees. “You've been lying to me. Is she the girl you've been seeing all this time?”
I nod, frowning heavily, my chest hurting.
“You are quite the convincing liar. How dare you make a mockery of me like that. Of my profession.”
I shift again, anxious beyond belief. “I'm sorry.”
She tuts, leaning back in her seat, snatching her notepad and making frantic notes.
I wait, the scratch of the pen on paper painfully loud in my ears.
She plants it down on her knee, assessing me, stern. “You have broken our agreement. You have entered a very dangerous stage of your obsession. I have no choice now, Ethan. The police will have to be informed. The girl will need to know what a danger you are to her.”
I want to fight, but know it's no use. She's got me in a corner but I built the walls.
“What if...” I start, knowing there's only one thing I can ask of her. “What if I told her?”
“No,” she spits immediately. “You will never be allowed near her again. You've defiled the poor girl, taken advantage of her.”
A dam breaks in my body and the guilt unleashes, flooding me. I've been suppressing it all this time, and now it's here all at once.
Dirty. Dark. Psych
o.
I bow my head, letting it wash over me.
A thought springs to mind. “You gave her the job...”
“Yes. She was suitable for the role.”
“But what does that mean for me coming here?” I lift my eyes, finding hers, hoping she won't send me away, turfing me out on the curb like a stray dog.
She assesses me and I wait for her to decide my fate.
Her eyes soften and she sighs. “Oh Ethan, it's hard for me to do this. Really. I've grown quite attached to you.”
I frown, my brows drawing low. Attached to me? Surely she shouldn't say that?
“Hm, what to do...” She sits thoughtfully, flattening out the creases on her trousers. “Well, you'll have to cut ties with her, of course.”
I nod, my chest twisting sharply. I knew this would have to happen eventually. I just didn't expect it to be today. And now the time has come, I know I'm not ready.
“And our sessions will have to continue at my house. Not here.”
I inhale, my gut wrenching. “No,” I say immediately. “No more aversion therapy. It's not good for me. Annalise said-”
Clarissa stands, halting me. “Annalise said what?” she snarls and suddenly I'm nervous, uncertain of exactly what this woman is capable of.
“Nothing,” I say quickly. I don't want Clarissa turning her focus onto Annalise. This has got to be all on me. “I just don't think it's helping.”
“I'm your therapist, Ethan. I decide what does and doesn't work.”
I shift in my seat, trying to find the words that would make her back down. “I said no, Clarissa.”
She turns swiftly, dropping back into her seat. “It's up to you. Either continue with the therapy I suggest, or we'll have to terminate our relationship.”
I go to speak, willing to end our 'relationship' but she holds up a hand.
“I'll be training Annalise here at the clinic. She's entitled to see my patients' notes. It's in your contract. Trainees are allowed to be informed.”
My mouth drops open. Is she fucking blackmailing me?
I can't go back to her house. I can't. “What if I just continue to see you here? I'll come to the office when Annalise isn't working.”
