by Woods, Emily
The moment had passed, but Alex felt he got what he wanted.
Luke had told Maddie and his wife about the family he lost and most likely, the boy he'd left behind. Emotions twisted his heart, part happiness that he hadn't been forgotten, part sorrow for the life he could have had if only his father hadn’t left him.
Somehow, he would find out the rest of the story piece by piece, but he felt quite hopeful about one thing: he would not be rejected in the end.
* * *
Christina felt unreasonably annoyed by the ranch hand, Alex somebody or other. Who was he to judge her anyway? He had no idea what she'd gone through over the past few days, leaving behind her home and all she held dear to come out to this uncivilized land. However, when she thought about it again, she realized that he did know and had done the same thing, but he'd come by choice. Still, she felt he looked down on her, and that was one thing she couldn't tolerate.
While she and Jessica found a few blossoms bold enough to linger past summer, Christina tried not to let her anger show. She never allowed others to see when they'd gotten the best of her, so focusing on her niece helped to divert her feelings.
“That's a lovely color. They'll look beautiful on our dinner table.”
Jessica looked skeptical. “Are you sure I should pick them all? Won't Miss Kate want some?”
Christina had to smile. “That's very thoughtful of you, dear. Your mother raised you well.”
“Jesus said that we need to think of other people, not just ourselves.”
The simple words pierced her heart. How did this wee scrap of a child know the Bible better than she did? Every Sunday since she was a baby, her parents had brought her to church, but she would be hard-pressed to reference more than a handful of verses.
“Do you go to church?” she asked, keeping her voice level.
Jessica shook her head sadly. “Not too often. It takes more than three hours to get there. Pa said it's a lot to do every Sunday, but we go every two months or so.”
It was hard to relate. Whenever she was in church, she wished she could have just stayed home. Why did the girl love it so much? She asked.
Taking a moment, Jessica first examined the flowers and appeared to be giving the question grave consideration.
“Well, the singing is really pretty, and it's better than regular singing because we're telling God how much we love Him.”
“Do you have a favorite song?”
“Oh yes,” Jessica exclaimed. “It's my very favorite and I know all the words by heart.” But instead of telling Christina the name of the song, she began to sing. In a high, clear, and pure voice, she sang “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” Christina knew it well, having sung it many times in church, but to hear it coming out of the mouth of a sweet child, whose face was lit with joy, stirred her heart. Without even realizing it, she joined in.
“Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness. Take it to the Lord in prayer.”
Jessica beamed as she sang along with her. When they were done, she did a little lopsided skip.
“You know it! You know my favorite song! Isn't it great?”
The back of her throat clogged with emotion, so all she could do was nod. Jessica clutched her hand and began the song from the beginning, looking hopefully at her aunt, who sang along when she was able. The words flowed over her heart and gave her a peace she'd never known. Was it true, though? Was Jesus a friend? Did He know her sorrows? She felt too overwhelmed to think straight, but kept singing along with her niece until she noticed Valerie standing not too far off with a look of amazement.
Jessica let go of Christina's hand and raced over to her mother.
“Mama! Auntie Chris knows my song! Did you know that she knows it? And she's a really good singer too!”
Valerie nodded, a smile stretching across her face. “Yes, little love. I know she's a good singer, but I'd forgotten.” She looked toward Christina, her eyes tender. “You have a beautiful voice, sister.”
There was a significant gap between the two sisters' belief, and Christina was glad that she said nothing more. It was hard enough to sit through church. She didn't want to endure any preaching from her older sister.
“Are we going home now? Can we sing some more on the way?”
Valerie and Jessica sang the song again and then moved on to a few others that were familiar to Christina, but she claimed not to remember the words. For the entire ride home, she listened to the two of them and tried not to be affected, but it wasn't easy. They sang with such gusto and certainty. What must it be like to have such a faith? She had no idea. To her, God was Someone unreachable, untouchable, more of a notion than an actual Being. And Jesus? He was even more of a mystery, despite all she'd heard her whole life.
It was a relief to get home and get started on cooking dinner. She scraped the carrots vigorously and chopped them within an inch of their lives.
“So, we're having pulverized carrots in our soup, I see,” Valerie remarked lightly. “Something on your mind, Chris?”
Shaking her head, Christina kept her focus on the vegetables, not even commenting on the abbreviation of her name, but then she exclaimed, “I don't understand it. You and I went to the same church growing up, but you have such different ideas about God now. How did that happen?”
Valerie turned from the stove and regarded her for a moment before answering. “I think I always had a deeper longing to know God, and after coming out here, I finally started reading the Bible and everything fell into place.” She paused and smiled a little. “Have you ever done that, Chris? Read the Bible?”
Christina huffed. “Everyone's read the Bible, Val. Don't act so superior.”
“Outside of church?”
Now she couldn't reply in the affirmative. “No, but what's the point? I'm pretty sure I've learned all there is to know.”
“Oh, I don't think so. Will you come to our Tuesday meeting this week? Maybe hearing the other ladies speak will help you to understand.”
Christina was about to say no, that she was too tired, but then she realized it was a pitiful excuse. Besides, she did wonder how her sister had developed such a deep faith.
“Fine, but I don't think it will change my mind. You're too wrapped up in all this religion. It can't be good for you. You need to live your life.”
“Oh, but I am living my life, sis, now more than ever...and it's so much better than it ever was before. It's hard to explain, but once you know it yourself, you'll see that I'm right.”
“I highly doubt it,” she replied with a sniff. “I'm much too level-headed for all that.”
But in her mind, she wasn't so sure. Joy hadn't been a lifelong companion to her, especially not the way her sister lived it, and she didn't think that a meeting with a bunch of religious women would change anything, but she was willing to try it for her sister's sake. Just this once.
Chapter 8
Long after Christina left with her sister and niece, she lingered in Alex's mind. What a contradiction she was. First, she was being a terrible snob with her assumptions about his background, and then she was singing hymns with her niece. He wondered which side of her was the real Christina and which was the pretender. He tried to tell himself he didn't care, but it wasn't working very well.
Adding to that the fact that she was on the cusp of recognizing him, he knew that he should avoid her. She was a complication he did not want or need right now, but of course, now was when she was filling every available space in his brain.
Releasing a long sigh, he wondered what God would have him do. The thought was foreign, but the more he read and discussed the Bible with Cole and Austin, the more he thought that he was missing something instrumental in his life, and that thing might very well be sincere faith. At first, he thought it was a relationship with his father, and that still could be it, but even when he envisioned himself as an accepted member of the family, he didn't feel the same satisfaction that he
had in the past. Before he arrived, he thought if Luke acknowledged him as his son, that would fulfill every wish he'd ever had, but now he wasn’t so sure. There was an aching inside him, a gnawing dissatisfaction he didn’t know how to address.
“That's a pensive look.” Heart pounding, Alex turned to see Luke approaching. “How's the patient? On the mend, I hope?”
“Uh, yes sir. He's doing much better today. Still tired, but in good shape.”
Luke gave him a half-grin. “No need to call me sir. I'm just Luke out here. But still best to address the women more formally. They seem to like that.”
“Yes sir,” he replied automatically, then shook his head. “Sorry. Hard habit to break.”
“Kate tells me that you're well-educated. It's pretty clear from the way you speak, so what brings you out here?”
Tell him, his mind said. Just tell him the truth!
“I, uh, wanted to try something different. Well, and actually, I was hoping to...to, uh, make a new life for myself.”
Luke raised an eyebrow. “I've always thought education was the way to go. I would have done that if I could have, but I had neither the brains nor the money. I'm hoping Lucas will go away to school. He's got the mind for it, but he says he just wants to stay and work on the ranch. I don't know. It's in God's hands.”
Alex didn't reply right away. How could he move from this conversation to something deeper, something that would give him a sign that he should confess who he was right then and there?
“I guess every father wants the best for his children, whether they want it or not. I, um, talked to Maddie a little and she assures me that you are a good father.”
Luke looked a little surprised and then pleased. “She said that? Well, that's nice to hear. I'm proud of her too, even if she's not really a traditional woman.”
“You have a nice family,” Alex added. “Two daughters and one son.” Something flickered in Luke's eyes and Alex decided to press on and see how far he could go. “They're lucky to have you for a father. Not everyone has a father like you. I certainly didn't.”
Luke had gone from looking sad to concerned in an instant. “Kate said something about grandparents raising you? How was that?”
Alex took in a long breath, hoping he could lead the conversation the way he wanted.
“I know they love me, but they were strict and reserved. I always wanted to meet my real father. You see, he left when I was a baby.”
“Really? Left you? That’s terrible.” Luke frowned. “But you still want to meet him?”
Swallowing hard, Alex nodded. “I don't blame him for leaving. He was broken up about my mother's death. She was his whole world, or so my grandparents say.”
He could barely hear his own words over his blood roaring in his ears. He dared to look at Luke and saw as his eyes filled first with amazement and then tears.
“What was your mother's name?” he whispered.
This was it. He had to go forward. There was no going back from here.
“Mary,” he said softly. “Mary Rochester.”
Luke stared at him and then swallowed hard. He hunched forward suddenly as though he'd been punched in the stomach. He reached out and grabbed the fence beside him, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“Paul?” he groaned. “Are saying that you’re Paul?”
Blinking fast, Alex took a shaky breath and nodded. “I'm Paul Alexander Rochester…once Paul Winston.”
Before Alex could react, Luke took a step forward and pulled him into a fierce hug.
“Oh, my son!” he exclaimed, a sob breaking up his words. “Why did you wait even one minute to tell me? How did you get here? Do your grandparents know?”
Emotions welled up inside him and Alex couldn't respond. Words stuck in his throat and he could only moan.
Suddenly, Luke stepped back, grasped him by the shoulders and really looked at him, examining from head to toe.
“How could I not see it? You're so like your mother! Oh, Paul...” He shook his head and tears streamed freely down his face. “I’m so glad you’re here! It’s an answer to my prayer! Praise God!”
Alex wasn't sure how he felt at that moment. Having his father accept him in this manner was the pinnacle of all his hopes, but he only felt numb.
“My grandparents think I'm at Stanford,” he said lamely. “They sent me there, but I changed the ticket. I knew where you were from the letters you sent to them, but you never wrote to me.”
“Paul, I...”
“I like Alex better,” he said, suddenly stiff. Luke looked as though he'd been slapped and Alex immediately regretted his harsh words. “It just feels more like me. I don't know why.”
“Oh…okay, Alex...” Luke looked a little hurt, a little confused. “I don't know what to say. I wrote to your grandparents after I remarried. I wanted to bring you over here, but they told me that you were settled and happy. They said it was better if I didn't try to get in touch, that it would just confuse you.”
White hot anger rushed through him, but he wasn't sure who it was directed at--Luke or his grandparents.
“They had no right to say that,” he nearly hissed. Raw emotions surfaced, boiling over. “I always wanted to know you and asked them again and again if I could write to you. Finally, they said you had moved on with your life. They never said you didn't want me, but it felt that way.”
Luke groaned, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I—I thought I was doing the right thing. God forgive me! Why didn't I try harder? Kate told me to go get you, but David and Lillian were so good to take you after...after your mother died. Oh, P—Alex. I should have never left you, but...you had every advantage growing up, didn't you? Comfort? A good education? And your grandparents were good to you, weren't they? Loving? Kind?”
Alex suddenly felt completely drained, edgy and impatient. “Money, yes. Love? I suppose after a fashion, but nothing like what other kids my age had. Grandfather only spoke to me about education, rules and responsibility. Grandmother was good to me, but not a mother.” He felt tears on his own face. “Why didn’t you take me? I would have had a mother and a father, a family with a brother and sisters...”
He found he couldn't talk anymore. The lost life that should have been his was too painful to think about, especially now that he'd witnessed what he’d been missing.
“I thought I wanted...” Abruptly, he turned and walked away. He couldn’t say any more.
“Where are you going?” The note of desperation reached his ears, but it wasn't enough to make him stop.
“I don't know,” he replied over his shoulder, then he broke into a jog.
All he knew was that he had to get away. This was not what he expected, not at all.
* * *
Christina stared at the Bible her sister had given her. She hadn't thought to bring her own since it was massive and would have taken up valuable space in her trunk, or so she'd thought. As it turned out, she wouldn't be wearing most of the clothing she'd brought. Even though it was the simplest and plainest pieces from her wardrobe back home, almost everything was too ornate. As much as she despised the cut and patterns of homespun clothes that sister wore, she could see the practicality of it. Valerie had offered to lend her one, but Christina decided to alternate between her two dresses that didn't stand out too much.
More because she was irritated with her sister than out of actual desire to read, Christina picked up the Bible and opened it up. The lingering light was bright enough for her to make out the words, but she lit a candle anyway. The wick sputtered slightly and then came to life, illuminating the words on the page the Bible had fallen open to when she'd gotten up to light it.
“The gospel of John,” she murmured, picking it up and setting it on her lap. “Alright. I guess it's as good a place as any to begin.”
The first part was confusing, talking about the word being with God and whatnot, and then it moved onto to talk about John, whom she presumed was the author of the book. She read about how
he called the disciples, how He turned water into wine, and how He lost His temper in the temple. The promise of rebuilding the temple in three days seemed odd, but she just skipped that. As she read through chapter three, about a man named Nicodemus, her heart seemed to slow and beat dully in her chest. Valerie had talked about being born again, but Christina hadn't paid much attention.
And now here it was, Jesus telling this man that he had to be born again, and explained how no one could enter God's Kingdom unless he is born of water and the Spirit. It still didn't make sense, but she couldn't stop reading. Then when she reached verse sixteen, the most famous verse in the Bible according to many, and the only one she knew by heart, she felt something tremble deep inside her.
“For God so loved the world,” she murmured, “that He gave His one and only Son...” God gave His Son to the world. Gave Him how? And how did believing in Jesus get a person into Heaven? The dots just didn't seem to connect. Her mind spun around and around trying to comprehend it. Then she remembered the crucifixion. Jesus died, and that was supposed to get them into Heaven?
With a sigh of frustration, she gently closed the Bible and got ready for bed. This just didn't make sense. How could one man's death, even the Son of God, change the world?
After getting under the covers, she blew out the candle and closed her eyes, but sleep didn't come immediately. The song she'd sung with her niece repeated in her mind, crowding out every other thought.
“Jesus,” she whispered. “If You are my friend, help me understand. I don't know why You came into the world or what Your death has to do with anything, but I want to know.”
The anxiety that had been building in her chest settled down and her mind felt at peace. The simple prayer had calmed her, and sleep began to envelop her, giving her the rest she would need to face another day in a place that was as foreign to her as an exotic country. Tomorrow was Tuesday. She would ask the women her questions, and hopefully get the peace she longed for.
