She looked at Noni and gave the tiniest shrug so as not to disturb her daughter. ‘Breastfeeding isn’t so bad. It just felt right for her to be there and to feel her against me.’
Noni’s smile made Jacinta feel like a queen. How did she do that? Make her proud to be herself? But then again, she guessed she had done pretty well.
Noni said, ‘Sometimes, it happens like that for people who don’t think breastfeeding will suit them. As long as you’re happy, I think it’s wonderful. And Olivia knows what she wants – just like her mother does.’
Good. Because she was going to be in control of her life and so was her daughter. ‘I can’t believe it’s all over and she’s mine.’ Jacinta stroked the tiny palm until Olivia’s fingers curled and grasped her larger one, and another one of those huge swells of emotion rolled over her.
She smiled at Noni. ‘I want to show her off. When are Win and Harley coming in?’
Noni glanced at her watch. ‘They’ll be up after tea when you’ve had a rest, but maybe they could come earlier. Something tells me you won’t be sleeping – you’re too excited. You’re a very clever girl.’ She leaned over and kissed her, then Olivia. ‘I know I’ve already said it, but it’s worth saying again. You were awesome in labour.’
Jacinta felt the heat in her cheeks. It embarrassed her, even though she really loved hearing Noni say that.
‘It’s so exciting to see the both of you here,’ Noni continued. ‘But I’m nearly ready to head home, Jaz. Do you need help with anything before I go?’
She shook her head. ‘No, thanks, Noni.’ She just wanted to stare at her daughter. And maybe feed her again when she woke up properly. ‘I can ask someone else if we need help.’
‘Your father will probably be in before us tonight. Bye, Jaz.’
Noni scooped up her bag from beside the bed and waved as she headed for the door. There was something sad in her voice – but she was gone before Jacinta could ask. Dad was probably being a pain again. Who would have thought he was an obstetrician? And he hadn’t told Noni. Jacinta shook her head. Stupid. He was so dead.
Then she looked at her daughter and forgot about Noni and her dad. She had a fleeting thought about how she could get anonymously in contact with Pedro to let him know they were both well. She owed him that. But she wouldn’t tell Iain or he’d worry.
She could understand her dad’s concerns about Pedro and his underworld connections better now. As a parent it was her responsibility to keep her daughter safe from danger and if she had her way, Olivia wouldn’t even know that world existed – or that she’d been conceived there. Funny how being a parent changed your views.
Chapter Forty-two
Noni
When Noni arrived home, Iain sat waiting for her on the back verandah.
‘Congratulations, Grandpa,’ she said in greeting, giving him a plastic smile. He looked startled she’d directed a comment at him. Keep trying to figure me out, mister. She didn’t stop, and pushed through the door. ‘Aunt Win?’
She heard Iain follow her in. ‘She said she’d be back soon. She’s gone to buy something pink for the baby. So you’ll have to talk to me.’
Noni smiled sweetly at him, resisting the urge to poke him firmly in the chest. No way was she touching him. ‘I don’t have to do anything, Doctor.’
‘No, you don’t. But I would like you to at least give me a chance to say thank you.’ He obviously felt the need for contact because his arms were warm and gentle as he turned her to face him.
She wriggled out of his hold and he grimaced. The feel of him touching her made her traitorous body want to step closer, but she supposed she’d have to get used to that and not give in. He’d lied to her face. He couldn’t be trusted. And she wasn’t fighting for him any more. Without trust there was nothing.
He was watching her with those blue eyes of his, the sea-blue deeper today, with the emotion from Olivia’s birth still in them. She’d almost hugged him back there in the birthing unit when his granddaughter had been born. She’d seen the glint of tears he blinked away, read the release of fear, and saw his tense shoulders drop in relief that it was over and mother and baby were safe. Just a father and grandfather experiencing new feelings. No sign of the distant obstetrician there.
‘You’re very good at what you do, Noni. I learned a lot today and Jacinta and I are really glad you were there.’
Really. You don’t say. ‘Personally, I think you’re darn lucky I was. Or your daughter might have had an epidural she didn’t want, and not realised what she could achieve under her own steam.’
She paused, aware that what she said next was the most important message she could give someone like him who could influence a woman’s life as she gave birth. ‘Can you see now how a woman can absorb so much faith in her own ability to raise her children from her labour? The decisions she’s allowed to make, the respect she’s afforded, and achievement of the birth regardless of how that baby arrives – these experiences are so important as lessons to help in the tough times to come. Raising children is harder than labour. It’s not just about today, you know. You shouldn’t rush to put limitations on a mother unless she asks for help.’
Her words hung in the air, and they both remembered his struggle over allowing Jacinta to choose her own pain management.
‘You’re right. I was wrong.’ Then he raised his hands in surrender and smiled at her. Her resolve wavered further when he said, ‘I hear you.’
Noni felt like screaming. Couldn’t she just let off steam without him agreeing?
But he went on. ‘You were a warrior. Jacinta was magnificent. And I was the fly in the ointment.’
Shoot. He was making this hard. ‘Well, you were a mess.’ She needed to get out of here before she crumbled. ‘Harley will be back from school in a minute and I want to have a shower before he gets home.’
He looked at her and she didn’t stay to hear if he had anything else to add. Now she felt mean and that just made her even more cross.
Noni took the stairs two at a time without looking back, but she could feel his eyes on her. He’d lied. He’d pretended to be a stockbroker, then a surgeon when he’d been caught out. He’d brushed off all the times she could have talked to him about her concerns for the maternity unit. All reasons to loathe him.
Still, that had been close. She’d really wanted to ask him why he couldn’t have told her, why all the hiding? Maybe even throw herself into his arms. But sometime during the day she’d realised it wasn’t going to work. This was where her lack of experience with other relationships came into play. She had no flipping idea how to understand what men meant when they said something.
Iain wasn’t going to commit himself fully to her, and she couldn’t risk changing her life for the short term if it didn’t work out. If she chose to enter a relationship then she was going to do it right next time. Engagement. Marriage. She and Harley couldn’t afford to get hurt and abandoned in Sydney after she and Iain imploded in their non-progressive relationship.
At least she could tell herself she had tried to make it work for the last week. Had tried talking to him. It was harder that their attraction had culminated in them making love, but she couldn’t regret the bitter sweetness of those memories, because she knew now how it felt to make love with someone you cared about.
In the bathroom, the hot needles of water soothed away the tensions of the night and morning. As Noni slowly rotated under the shower, she knew without a doubt they didn’t have a two-sided relationship. She’d been building hope over something that just wasn’t there. She’d fallen for Iain before he had promised her anything, so it was no use complaining that he’d misled her.
It had only been six weeks, she reminded herself. The memories would fade. Though it had been long enough to damage her heart. It had been naïve to expect a commitment from a man who didn’t even understand her world. She’d been so silly to fantasise about happily ever after, like some sort of Cinderella dream. She knew women who’d had stab
le relationships for years, had children, and still chose not to have a wedding. Why did she think he’d been talking eternity the few times he’d hinted at a future for them?
Imagine if she’d taken Harley out of school and moved to Sydney with Iain, only then to find out how little she meant to him – how unequal the relationship was. She shuddered. She wouldn’t be making that mistake again.
She turned off the shower and stepped out, thoughts tumbling around in her mind.
Iain and Jacinta would be gone by this time next week. All I have to do is distance myself from Iain and start preparing Harley for their departure, she decided, and sighed.
If only it were that easy.
At the hospital later that evening, after Win and Harley had left, Noni felt exhausted from trying not to catch Iain’s eye, and wearied from the emotions of the last eighteen hours. She’d been up since two am – no wonder she felt shattered. Plus, it had been an incredible journey with Jacinta through her labour. She glanced once more at the young woman in the bed nursing her baby as if she’d been holding tiny infants for years. It was so satisfying to share this time with Jacinta, but awkward sharing it with Iain when she knew they were at odds.
Maybe it was just because they sat opposite each other across Jacinta’s bed. She gave up and rose from the chair to make her own departure. ‘I’ll leave you with your dad, Jacinta, and see you tomorrow when I come to work.’
‘Noni, before you go.’ Jacinta looked straight at her father. ‘What happens when I leave the hospital? When were you planning to go back to Sydney, Dad?’
Iain shifted in his seat, looking only at his daughter. ‘I expect we’ll go back Saturday, once you feel up to travelling.’
Noni had known it would come, but hearing it stated as a fact hit her like a blow to her chest. She looked away from Jacinta but knew the young woman had seen her distress. She gathered her bag, ostensibly to search for her keys, and moistened her lips. Her fingers gripped the keys as if someone were threatening to take them off her and the pain from the metal teeth digging into her hands felt strangely appropriate.
‘You two will sort it out. I have to go. Goodnight.’ She waved without meeting their eyes and had to force herself not to run out the door.
Chapter Forty-three
Jacinta
Jacinta looked at her father, who had turned his head to follow Noni’s retreating figure. She had no idea what he was thinking, but from the way his eyes seemed riveted on Noni’s departing figure he was definitely into her. ‘Any plans there?’
He turned back to face her, his expression bland. ‘What do you mean?’
Jacinta wondered again how he could hide his feelings so easily. Everyone seemed to know when she was angry or frightened or freaked out. And Noni’s face said everything. ‘You watch her all the time.’
When he didn’t reply, she sighed. Was he thick or was he pretending he didn’t know? ‘She needs an obstetrician and you’re one. Did you think of helping her out?’
‘I understand Noni has problems. That the hospital here has problems. But no. My life is in Sydney.’ His gaze never wavered. ‘And I don’t want to talk about Noni.’
Jacinta shrugged again. ‘Sure. Posh house makes you happy, but it’s a shame, that’s all.’
‘It’s not about the house,’ he said cryptically, and she raised one brow at him.
Then he said, ‘I was proud to be your father today, Jaz.’ And diverted by his quiet, emphatic tone, she forgot about Noni. She looked at the truth in his eyes and then her beautiful daughter asleep in her arms. When she turned her gaze back to her dad she smiled with real joy.
‘She’s amazing, isn’t she?’
‘You’re amazing.’ His voice was very low, but she could feel herself blush.
Then she tilted her head and studied him, remembering moments during the birth, which coloured her voice with amusement. ‘Labour’s pretty intense. You’d think someone like you would have known that.’
He agreed ruefully. ‘I had no idea I’d feel so helpless. It’s pretty different to what I’d imagined from the support person’s side. Probably the worst, most helpless feeling in the world.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t do helpless well.’
‘I thought it was fast.’ She shrugged. ‘And Olivia’s here safe. When can I go home to Win’s?’
He looked at her with that strange expression on his face again. ‘Don’t see why you can’t go tomorrow, if you like.’
She nodded. ‘Good. Aimee and Kylie are coming tomorrow morning to see Olivia. We could go home after that.’
He lifted his head and stared straight at her. ‘We’ll go home to Sydney when you’re ready. Maybe a couple of days after that.’
When she carried Olivia into Win’s guesthouse, Jacinta did feel like she’d come home, despite what her father said. She couldn’t believe she’d only been here for six weeks – it felt like six years. But she did understand that her dad had put his life on hold for her.
First time in seventeen years he’d done something for her, so she didn’t feel too bad for him.
As she settled back into the household, she decided it was fun being the person everyone wanted to be with. Not something she had a lot of experience with before this, and she understood Olivia was the real drawcard, but it felt wicked good.
Dressing her baby in her new clothes and watching her sweet, funny expressions were such a joy, and she had to pinch herself that life could be this great. She tried not to expect it all to implode again.
Harley spent a lot of time sitting on the floor near her chair in the lounge room when Olivia was awake. She looked at his bent head as he watched Olivia having tummy time on the floor beside him.
‘She can lift her head up way better,’ Harley said, and Olivia, as if she understood, stretched her neck and turned her face towards his voice.
‘Your mum said to make sure I put her on her belly a couple of times a day so she could use those muscles. I don’t want her to get one of those flat-sided heads babies get when they sleep on their back.’
Harley pulled a face. ‘One of the kids at school’s little brother has a flat head. Can she sleep on the side?’
‘If I’m watching her she can. But otherwise she has to sleep on her back in case she chucks.’
Harley wrinkled his freckled nose. ‘Why do babies throw up so much? It’s gross.’
‘No idea. She’s not too bad. My friend Aimee’s baby spews all the time.’
‘Funny how they’re different.’ His little face turned thoughtful and Jacinta wondered absently what new lightbulb he’d come up with. The kid had a mind like a steel trap.
Then he said, ‘Though she’s the same as me.’
Jacinta looked at her tiny daughter all dressed in a pink Bunnykins jumpsuit and then the little boy with scuffed knees and Transformer T-shirt. ‘How’s she the same as you?’
‘She doesn’t have a dad, either.’
Jacinta thought about that, not wanting to rush the answer. Finally she said, ‘Her dad’s dead.’ And for the first time, she understood why her mother had lied to her. Jacinta couldn’t say, ‘Her dad’s a scum bag’, because then Harley might think she was assuming his dad was too. Noni hadn’t said that and Harley didn’t need to think it.
‘But she’s got a granddad. And you and Win and Noni, even if we live in a different place to you. That’s a pretty good extended family. We’ll come visit.’
Harley crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. ‘You should stay here. Iain should stay here.’
Poor kid. ‘You know people don’t stay here forever when they come to visit at Win’s.’
He put down his head. ‘I know. But nobody’s ever stayed this long or been fun.’
Except for the strain between Noni and her dad. That wasn’t so much fun. Even Jacinta noticed how Noni avoided Iain as much as she could considering they were living in the same house. Maybe it would be better for everyone if she and Iain went back to Sydney. She’d miss them all. Even the kid. An
d it was a little scary to think of having Olivia totally her responsibility without Win and Noni as backup.
Maybe she could stay here and Iain could go back. Just for a while.
She sighed. It would be so much easier if her dad decided to move here.
Chapter Forty-four
Noni
For Noni, Friday arrived slowly, sliding towards her like a snail, without a silver line. She wanted to scream for Iain to leave, even though deep inside she dreaded it, but they all knew Jacinta wasn’t in a hurry to go.
The only good news was that a temporary replacement obstetrician had agreed to do a three-month stint at Burra while a last-ditch recruitment drive was carried out. And work had been busy as usual and she was almost glad to be home, despite Iain being there.
She sat on the chair outside on the verandah to slip off her shoes and was wriggling her toes when she heard something that made her look up.
Jacinta pushed open the screen door and sat down next to her. ‘Noni? Can I come to classes with you tonight and show off Olivia?’
‘Of course you can. I wanted to ask but wasn’t sure if you’d be too tired.’
Jacinta rolled her eyes. ‘I’ve been home four days and Olivia’s only woken once for a night feed. I even went for a walk today pushing the old pram Win had in the shed. I reckon I’m almost back to my pre-pregnant self.’
Noni hadn’t slowed up much after Harley’s birth, either. There was something to be said for having babies young. ‘I’m sure everyone would love to see both of you. Just remember, everyone’s going to ask you about the labour.’
She looked askance at that. ‘Not the gory bits?’
Noni laughed. ‘Especially the gory bits.’
Jacinta shrugged. ‘I just won’t tell them stuff if I don’t want to.’
Noni smiled to herself this time, then stood up and patted the younger woman on the shoulder. ‘Keep that strength. I know I won’t have to worry about you. Sometimes, I believe if the things we go through are hard maybe it’s because we’ll need that experience later. To help us handle anything life throws at us.’
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