“Pam was a groupie?” I ask.
“At first, I guess she was. She was 20 and finally living life. It’s like she gave up on hope that Gary would ever come back. About four months into the tour, we took a night off from partying and her and I connected. We talked about Gary, him leaving her behind, and how he enlisted for six more years and had asked Uncle Sam to keep him in Europe. When she found out he wasn’t coming back to the states, she decided to live her life. Anyhow, we started getting close and as cliché as it sounds, I fell in love with her. I was scared of my feelings, like most guys my age. She was so wild and carefree, and man I was scared she’d break my heart.”
“After about a month or so of hanging out one-on-one, we started dating. I didn’t want anyone else, and she was in my bunk every night. After six months of dating, she came up pregnant with you. She was terrified, but I was so excited. I created something out of love, and I hoped like hell you were a boy. I started making plans to create a small nursery on the bus so you and your mom would always be with me, but Gary showed up in Lincoln, Nebraska.”
“I was on stage when he found your mom. She was already six months along and showing and he flipped his shit. He beat the fuck out of Pam. When security found her she was barely breathing. We rushed her to the hospital and were told she might not live and even if she did she would most likely lose you. I was devastated, but I didn’t leave her side. She recovered and miraculously, you lived too. I felt like the luckiest man on the planet. I swore I’d never take either of you for granted again.”
“I tried like hell to make sure Gary went to prison, but he had rank in the military and knew a lot of people even higher than him. They made it all go away. I kept Pam beside me at all times, except when I was on stage. I threatened to handcuff her to the side of the stage if she ever moved from where I could see her while I played.”
“Three months passed when it was time for a little break, so we headed to Georgia where Pam’s favorite aunt had relocated to. She went into labor three days after we arrived in Macon.”
“You were there when I was born?” I clarify.
His smile lights up, “Yeah. I was with her through the whole thing. When they cleaned you up they handed you to me first. I’ve never been so happy in my life. Not before the moment they handed you to me, and not after. I didn’t leave the hospital until you two were released.”
“I spent two months off the road with you and your mom in Macon. We stayed at your great-aunt’s home so she could help us out with an infant. I bathed you, fed you, changed you, and stared at you while you slept. I held you every second I could, and those two women fussed at me all the time about holding you too much.”
“You wanted me,” I state as the emotion threatens to tear through my throat.
“Yes, son. I’ve always wanted you and I’ve always loved you.”
“Then where the fuck have you been?”
“Gary showed up again when you were two months old and held a shot gun to my head while I was asleep with you in my arms. I woke up looking down two barrels and was scared to death he’d hurt you. He screamed at me until I got up and handed you to your great-aunt. He was insane. He pointed the gun at Pam and me and threatened to kill us. His pride was hurt when she’d moved on with her life. He couldn’t reconcile the fact that she loved me and we created you. I stood in front of your mother hoping he’d just kill me and leave all of you alone, but he ordered your aunt to put you on the couch and back away. You were sound asleep thank God. He turned the shot gun on you and I lunged over you to protect you. I thought he was going to kill you. I begged that mother fucker to kill me and leave all of you alone.”
“You’re still alive,” I point out.
“He was determined to make Pam suffer for embarrassing him, so I was ordered out of both of your lives. If he saw me again, he promised he’d kill you both. I thought Gary would go back to another country and then I could start the legal process of making him pay for what he’d done. It was buried once again by the government. DNA wasn’t a thing like it is now, so your paternity was his word against mine. In court he made me out to be a druggie because of my career. He looked like the upstanding soldier who just wanted to keep his wife and son safe from the likes of an unpredictable musician. Pam wouldn’t testify and neither would her aunt since they were both scared of him. He had Pam file a restraining order against me that protected both of you.”
“It didn’t stop me though. As soon as I knew Gary was out of town, I’d be on her doorstep and at times I’d even force myself in and spend as much time as I could with you. By the time you were two, I convinced her to file for divorce. I spent thousands of dollars to have him served in England. He flipped his shit and came home while I was on the road and beat the shit out of her again. She ended up with a broken arm and nose and refused to testify against him so charges were dropped.”
“Gary requested to be stationed at MEPS in Atlanta, which is where he moved you and your mom. I didn’t see you for a year, and about six months in I started drinking pretty heavily. At some point I began to hate Pam because she refused to come out on the road with me so I could protect her. She let another man keep me from my son, and Kip I tried everything to get you.”
“Why didn’t you just take me?’ I ask.
“I know this is a long story, and I’m trying to condense it as much as I can, but I promise I’m getting there. When you were four I stood across the street and watched Pam walk you into preschool. I bought a big ass camera and took pictures from the other side of the road. I was at your preschool graduation too. I dressed in disguise and watched the entire thing and took as many pictures as I could. Gary shipped off right before you went to kindergarten, so your mom moved you back to Macon, and I watched you walk into kindergarten for the first time from across the street. I have pictures of that too.”
“When I realized Gary was out of the country, I approached Pam while you were at school. She was already drinking by then, so she pulled a shotgun on me and tried to kill me. She wasn’t going to land in the hospital again because of me, so she ran me off.”
“I called social services so many times on her. Gary finally figured out it was me when you were seven years old. He contacted me from a hospital telephone in Macon and told me he’d poisoned you. He said if you survived it, he’d do it again if I called again. I didn’t know whether to believe him or not, so I hauled ass to Macon and slipped in undetected. With enough bribe money I was able to visit you in the intensive care unit. Your organs were shutting down, and they induced you into a coma so your body could fight. I cried like a fucking baby seeing you like that. You had a tube in your mouth breathing for you and needles coming out of your body. I stayed until you woke. The nurses took pity on me and they suspected Gary or Pam had done it to you, but they couldn’t prove a damn thing. They told the cops you got into rat poison by accident and when you woke up you couldn’t remember a lot, so charges weren’t pressed. I pleaded with social services to investigate and after three months of surprise visits to your school and home, they closed the case. Pam and Gary had been on their best behavior.”
“He poisoned me?” I ask in disbelief.
I knew Gary was an asshole, but Beau is describing a sociopath.
“Yeah. I quit pushing. I watched you from a distance when I was off the road. Sometimes I would fly in from wherever we were playing just to watch you play on the playground at school for an hour. It was the closest I could ever get to you.”
“When you were about eleven, I contacted Red Newman. I found out he lived in the area and had grandchildren your age. I’d met him before and have a lot of respect for him as a man and a musician. He agreed to meet with me and I showed him all the evidence I had against Gary. He agreed to intervene. Red doesn’t take too kindly to children being mistreated. He decided to use his granddaughter as a way in. I guess he somehow put you two together because next thing I knew you were living with the Hendrix’s.”
“Wait, Red knew you’re my father this whole time?” I ask pissed.
“Yes. You can’t be mad at Red though. He’s old school. He’s a firm believer in keeping his word. He promised to never tell you about me. He told me it was my damn place anyways, and he doesn’t do anything that isn’t his place. He’s the one who called me about Gary. He said it was time for me to quit dicking around and be your father.”
“Where in the fuck were you once I got out of that house?” I yell at Beau.
He sighs and looks off into the dark for a while.
“I got hooked on dope. It’s not an excuse you want to hear, but it’s the truth. I was so fucking lost and exhausted from years of fighting with those two, so I began using here and there to take the edge off and it just spiraled out of control. I left you where you were safe with Derek and Grace Hendrix because as fucked up as it is once I was able to be your dad I was in no shape to be. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for all the years we lost. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from Gary.”
A year ago I’d tell him he was a piece of shit. I would’ve told him he should have gotten sober and stayed sober so he could be my dad, but that was before I watched Henley struggle with addiction. It was before I heard Memphis tell me his stories and what it’s like for an addict. According to Hen and Memph, human beings don’t wake up one day and start using drugs. They just seek an escape from the pain. They chase the numb, so living doesn’t seem so fucking hard. I can’t say I haven’t been there, in a place where I wanted to escape living for a little while. I can’t say I haven’t had thoughts about hurting myself because some days it seems like the only choice.
“I watched someone I love more than life itself struggle with addiction recently. She wasn’t in a position to be anybody’s anything,” I offer.
The cool night air hugs me as I stand and stretch my legs. I light another cigarette and sip out of the bottle.
“She knows pain,” Beau states.
“Yeah. She worked through it though. She’s better than she’s ever been and strong as hell.”
He nods in understanding. After a while I offer him a nip from my bottle but he declines. He does light up a cigarette with me though.
“You know pain,” I say.
“Yeah. I’ve been sober six years,” he says proudly.
“Why’d you wait until he died? I was an adult at 18. Hell, I was already touring by then,” I ask.
“I’m a coward,” he answers.
“Doesn’t sound like you’re a coward to me. You fought like hell for something you should’ve never had to fight for. You fought with every weapon you had, and you did it for the right reasons. You got sober when you didn’t have to, and I’ve seen how much strength that takes.”
“I should’ve told you ten years ago. I should’ve gotten sober sooner, but I didn’t and I selfishly robbed you of the truth for longer than was necessary. When I did get sober, I was scared to death to tell you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered how in the hell you start a conversation like that with another human being. I met you at the Grammy’s when you were 20. I couldn’t even introduce myself as a fellow musician because I was fucked up on smack. I wouldn’t let that be your first impression of me.”
I nod in understanding. I get it. I wouldn’t want that to be my first impression of him either.
“There’s so many things I want to tell you son, but I’ve overloaded you as it is. I’m here if you ever want to talk. I’ll always answer any questions you have with absolute honesty. For now, Chauncey has loaded some boxes in the back of your car. I think it will answer some questions that may come up and say more than I ever can. I’ll let you get on with your evening as long as you promise not to drink and drive,” he says as he stands.
“I don’t drink and drive. I’ll call someone or sleep in my car,” I assure.
He extends his hand out to me, and I take it without thinking. He clasps his other hand over ours, so I glance up and see tears glistening in his eyes.
“I’ve waited so long for this, Kip. Son, it is such an honor to finally meet you. I don’t know what you’ll take from this conversation or what you’ll find in the boxes, but please remember I always loved you. I always wanted you to be my son.”
I nod as my own tears well up in my eyes.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Chapter 8
Jagger
A ringing phone wakes me at two in the morning. I fumble with the lamp before I can finally pick it up.
“Yeah?” I answer.
“Jag?” Kip says.
“Hey man. You okay?”
“I’m locked in Rose Hill and the gates won’t open until in the morning. Can you swing by and get me?” he asks.
“Yeah. Let me get dressed and I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. Will you be all right until I get there?” I ask.
“I’m sitting in my car, so I’ll be fine. Shoot me a text before you get here so I can climb the gate,” he says.
“Will do, bruh.”
I hang up and think about sending Hen a text, but I don’t want to piss Kip off. I struggle with what to do because I know she has to be worried to death about him. I opt not to call her. I’ll get him to call her instead.
Kip’s outside the gate when I arrive. He climbs into the car filling the cabin with the smell of liquor.
“You okay?” I ask.
“No.”
I don’t know what in the hell I’m supposed to say, so I turn the car around and head home. We ride in silence for twenty-five minutes and he doesn’t offer a word when he opens the door and heads into the house we share.
Before he closes his door, he calls over his shoulder, “Thanks for the ride. Think you can give me a ride back to my car in the morning?”
“Yeah, sure thing man,” I say.
He closes the door without another word. It’s hard to see him like this. He’s been shit on his entire life and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better for him. I climb back into bed and find sleep, hoping he’ll wake me if he needs me.
***
The sun is shining through the windows when I wake again. I look at my phone to discover it’s nine in the morning. Henley’s sent me a message, so I open it.
“Heard from Kip? Koi and I waiting at the studio all night hoping he would show up here. He sent me a text sometime early in the morning telling me to go home. Worried about him Jag.”
I know Kip’s going through shit right now, but if he isn’t going to tell her he’s okay I will. She’s his girl now and I won’t let him fuck it up like I did. He deserves her, and right now he really needs her, even if he doesn’t realize it.
“I picked him up early this morning at Rose Hill. I had hoped he’d call you when we got home. He went straight to his room when we got here. I just woke up so I’ll go check on him and text you right back,” I respond.
She replies immediately, “Thank you so much, Jagger. I hope this isn’t awkward for you.”
“We promised it wouldn’t be. I can’t promise it would be the same for any other asshole, but not if you’re with Kip. I’m Team Kipley now, girl!” I send with a smiley face.
“Okay, that was awkward, ass hat,” she responds.
“Checking on him now, cunt muffin,” I shoot back.
I walk through the house as quiet as possible in case Kip’s still asleep. His door is closed, so I open it quietly and find him fast asleep.
“He’s still sleeping,” I text Hen.
“Thank you. Fuck, I’m so worried,” she texts.
“I’ll keep you updated, but not a word to Kip about it, yeah?”
“You have my word.”
I hang around the house until noon before Kip wakes. He takes a shower and we head out to Rose Hill to retrieve his car. He hasn’t said anything more than he’s had to. I don’t know how to bring up a conversation without seeming pushy. I park beside Kip’s car and finally work the nerve u
p to say something.
“You want to talk about anything, bruh?” I ask.
“Talk about Henley?” he asks staring straight ahead.
He’s wound up tight as hell.
“No. There’s nothing to discuss,” I say.
“I’m sure there’s something you want to say to me,” he says pissily.
“No. You’re the better man. You’re the right man for her. You deserve her and always have. I fucked it up and I’m stepping back because two people I love are in love each other. Let’s be honest man, me and Hen were like…” I look for the right words.
“Fire and gasoline,” he finishes.
“Something like that. We weren’t good together. We hurt each other and most of the time it wasn’t intentional. I’m moving on with my life. No hard feelings here. She called me an ass hat earlier,” I chuckle.
“Why?” he sounds so despondent.
“I told her I was Team Kipley now.”
He finally looks at me with an expression that says he thinks I’ve lost my mind, and then he finally laughs.
“No wonder she called you an ass hat. You’re lucky that’s all she called you,” he jokes.
“No shit. I called her a cunt muffin though so we’re even,” I advise.
“She’s worried,” his smile drops.
“What do you think, bruh?”
“Just got all this shit going on in my head and I didn’t mean to not talk to her. I’m afraid if I’m around her I’ll take my anger out on her and I don’t want to do that. She deserves better than that,” he admits.
“She does. At least let her know you’re okay. She just needs to hear from you, even if it’s only by text.”
Kip takes his phone out, and I admit I look over his shoulder and read as he types out a text to Henley.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I know you’re worried, but I’m as okay as I can be. I’ve got some things I need to take care of today, but I’ll be over as soon as I can,” he texts.
Guitar Face Series Box Set: Books 1-4 Page 93
