As David, my guitar tech places the feedback in my ear and hooks the receiver on the back of my belt the DJ from the local radio station steps out onto the stage as the house lights go out.
“Good evening, Jacksonville!” he screams, and the crowd goes wild.
I test out the feedback monitor and wait for the DJ to exit the stage. Just before the stage lights go dark, Kip steps in front of me.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Hey, you.”
“You’re so beautiful with a guitar in your hands,” he says.
“As are you when you beat the shit out of a drum kit,” I wink.
He leans forwards and kisses my lips right when the stage lights go out and the crowd volume surges.
“Beau and Chauncey are excited to see y’all play,” he whispers in my ear.
“No pressure,” I giggle.
“I love you,” he says and my heart fucking melts.
“I love you, too, Kip.”
He kisses me one last time, and my guitar tech grabs my hand to lead me onto the stage. He shouts in the dark to remind me of the first song on the set list since if I forget I won’t be able to see it taped on the stage in front of me.
I reach for the mic to gauge the distance in the dark. It’s pitch black and I take a moment to revel in the energy of the crowd. Rhys punches the bass drum to start the song, pulls in the hi-hat and the lights go up as I hit my mark on the vocals. All of us join in with our instruments as I sing my heart out. I can still hear the crowd over the music.
For an hour and half, we work the crowd bouncing between our mics and the front of the stage. Memphis jumps down between the stage and the barrier to the crowd and pulls out a long and beautiful guitar solo. The crowd loves that shit. I shoot a glance to the side of the stage hoping Koi can see me. I hope my face says, he’s definitely a Hendrix.
We pour sweat from the hot lights above us and the adrenaline that pumps through our veins. After our last song, I scream to the crowd, “Thank you, Jacksonville. You were on fucking fire tonight!”
I step to the side of the stage and take a towel from David to wipe the sweat. I look for my grandfather so I can sing the next song. I didn’t see him earlier, but I know he’s here.
“Looking for me?” he pops up to my side.
“Yep,” I give him a hug.
“Let’s go do this thing,” he says full of confidence.
I rehydrate quickly and walk out to the stage with an acoustic guitar.
“I think I’ve got one more for you,” I tell the audience. “I’d like to welcome the legendary Red Newman to the stage.”
The crowd shouts his name. He stops at me, kisses me on the cheek, and proceeds to climb on his stool with an electric guitar. Rhys, Memphis, and Griffin join us at their respective places and we launch into the blues version of Whiskey and Smoke.
***
I climb onto the bus at one in the morning, exhausted and hungry. I skip food because I’m that damn tired. After I said my goodbyes to Chauncey and Beau, I left Kip to finish his. I find Cash in my bunk and crawl into cuddle with him. I have no idea how Kip’s going to fit in here with us too.
I wake hours later to Cash licking my face and talking in doggy talk. He’s gotta piss now? I exit the bunk and my pup follows behind. I speak to our bus driver and ask if we can pull over for Cash to do his business. It’s not uncommon for us to stop three or four hours into a drive to fuel up, grab food and snacks, or stretch our legs.
I look around and see the main area of the bus is empty, and my feelings are a little hurt as the sleep fog disappears and I realize Kip didn’t come onto my bus last night. I walk back to my bunk and pull my phone off charge and see he hasn’t text either.
What the hell?
I shrug it off. He has a lot going.
Ten minutes later the bus stops at a truck stop and Cash barks and circles around while I attempt to put a leash on a moving dog. He bounds down the bus steps dragging me behind him. He sniffs around frantically until he finds his spot and then goes to town. Of course he’s a man, so he has to mark items every five feet or so.
“Hey,” Koi says as he lights a cigarette.
I look around for my man, “Where’s Kip?”
“Sleeping in his bunk. We tried to wake him up, but he didn’t want to get up.”
“He usually comes to my bunk or asks me to come to his. He didn’t even text me when he got on the bus,” I sigh.
Koi throws an arm around me, “He looks exhausted, sis.”
“I know. I’m just being emotional.”
“No. You’re trying to deal with your routine changing after the shows. He’s a huge part of that routine. I get it. I’ll keep an eye out on him.”
***
When the bus stops again we unload in Birmingham, and I look for Kip again. He doesn’t exit the bus with the others and I get worried. Rhys must notice me looking for him.
“S’okay little bit. He’s going to go through some shit,” he says.
“Yeah.”
I follow everyone into the hotel and Jag approaches.
“He didn’t want to wake up. Told us to leave him the fuck alone. The bus driver is staying on to keep an eye on him. He’ll call if he needs us,” he says sympathetically.
“Okay,” I hold back tears.
“Hen, come on now. Don’t cry. This isn’t about you, he’s not doing this to hurt you. He just looked defeated when he got on the bus last night. It’s like he just needs a minute to catch his breath. I know it’s hard to see him like this,” Jag says.
“But that’s it, I haven’t really seen him since we left home,” I admit.
“What? You didn’t see him at the venue?” he asks.
“No. He didn’t come to my dressing room. He didn’t walk me to the stage. He stepped up to me just as the stage lights went out last night and we spoke for a second. He wasn’t waiting on the side of the stage when I came off and I haven’t seen him since. He hasn’t text or called either.”
“Let’s give it some time, okay? It’s only been a day,” Jagger comforts me.
“Thank you,” I croak out between my sniffles.
I’m a little worried about him. I don’t know how to make him better. This isn’t like Kip at all.
***
I wait for Broken Access to close the show in Birmingham. I want to see Kip. Maybe he got the rest he needs and will be more like himself when he comes off stage. He walks right past where I stand on the side of the stage when their final song ends. He doesn’t make eye contact and doesn’t say a damn word.
Cam throws his arm around my shoulder and ushers me down the hallway with the rest of the band.
“Go to him tonight on the bus. Men are stupid. He’s got a lot of shit on him right now, but he needs you whether he realizes it or not,” Cam whispers in my ear and kisses the top of my head.
I nod my head and let him get to his dressing room. I head to my own bus to change and grab a few things. Memphis agrees to watch Cash, so I head over to the other bus for the night. The bus driver opens the door when I knock, and I climb the stairs to find it’s still empty. I get comfortable on the couch in the front of the bus, and open my kindle while I wait.
Thirty minutes later Cam, Jagger, and Koi load onto their bus. They pop a beer and lounge on the couches. Kip appears five minutes later. He looks at me for two seconds but continues to his bunk. We all exchange looks of uncertainty and a little shock. Nobody says a word though, so I do my best to get into a book and give Kip a little while to get comfortable.
I wait an hour before I nervously make my way to his bunk. I open the door between the bunk hall and the front and close it quietly. He sleeps on a bottom bunk like I do, so I open the curtains a bit to see his face. His eyes are open, but he’s just staring at the ceiling lost in thought.
“Kip,” I call out.
He doesn’t answer so I crawl into bed with him and throw my arm
over his abs. I rest my head on his chest. He doesn’t move or speak at first. I’m okay with that. At least he’s letting me lay with him. I don’t dare speak either, afraid he’ll ask me to leave for pushing him too far.
“I want you under me,” he says.
“What?” I ask.
“Get under me,” he answers and turns to his side in the tight space of the bunk.
He pulls me under him. His lips waste no time assaulting mine, causing them to bruise and swell immediately. He’s kissing me so fast I almost can’t keep up, but he finally breaks it to pull his shirt over his head. There isn’t much room in these things, so I help him. He pulls my sweatpants and panties off and pushes his own sweats down until his cock springs free.
He doesn’t bother with removing his pants all the way, or taking my top and bra off. I’m pulled down the bed when he grips my hips and yanks, and then he pushes inside of me. Before he brings his body back down to me, he wraps my legs around him. When he leans down my legs wrapping around him cause my bottom to raise toward him and he enters me even deeper. I touch his face and will him to open his eyes and look at me but he never does. I don’t think he’ll ever kiss me. His lips are so close to mine all I have to do is lean forward a fraction of an inch and they’ll touch, but I don’t push. His right hand cradles the back of my head, and his left grips my hip.
He doesn’t say a word to me. He doesn’t fuck me or make love to me. It’s not fast, but it isn’t intimately slow either. With eyes closed and his breath on my face, he uses my body to either forget his pain or sort through it. I’m not sure which, but I let him use me. Sometimes sex is the only thing that feels good when everything else seems to hurt and suffocate you.
Sweat pours off both of our bodies as we move against each other. I don’t wipe the perspiration, but opt to lick across his chest and shoulders instead. My hands run through the sweat on his slick back. He buries his head in my neck with his ragged breathing assaulting my ear. He seems to chase something he can’t quite find, something more than an orgasm. I feel his frustration start to build, but I have no idea how to help him.
“Kip,” I whisper.
He leans up on an elbow and opens his green eyes to take me in. His eyes are glistening with unshed tears causing my heart to break. My eyes focus on him licking his lips and slowly rolling it back in as if he wants to say something but words fail him. He closes his eyes and furrows his brows in pain. I don’t know what he’s fighting inside, just that he won’t let me all the way in.
“Kip, please look at me,” I plead.
He squeezes his eyes even tighter causing tears to fall on my face. He shakes his head, so I cup his face in my hands and lightly brush my lips against his. He doesn’t kiss me back at first, but I continue and eventually he brushes his lips against mine. He doesn’t deepen the kiss for some time, so I let him set the pace. This is his rodeo, I’m just here to catch him when he falls.
“Kip, please look at me. I’m dying here,” my voice cracks.
His eyes fly open, “Am I hurting you?”
He attempts to pull out of me and dismount, but I pull him back to me quickly.
“You’re not hurting me. I’m here. Take what you need. I just need you to be here with me for a little while,” I admit.
He nods his head and tears continue to stream down his face and land on my face and shoulder. Once he makes eye contact he holds it and starts to move inside of me again. I alternate between kissing the tears on his cheeks and his lips until he leans down to trail kisses down my neck and across my shoulders. The intimate gesture almost undoes me.
“I love you, Hen,” he whispers in my ear.
“I love you too.”
His eyes reconnect with mine, our lips almost touch but we simply exchange oxygen instead of kiss.
“Come,” he pleads with a face of pain.
I’ve been so close for so long, but have held back in fear he would stop if I came. I didn’t want him to stop until he came too. The tingles between my thighs grow in intensity until my entire body explodes in an orgasm. I arch my back in response and close my eyes as I whisper his name into the night.
His tongue dives into my mouth and his hips speed up their assault. He grunts the way men do when they’re physically exerted but determined to meet their goal. It’s primal, raw, and exposes their sexual need to dominate and possess. After a few more short thrusts he pulls away from the kiss. His breaths become choppy and his ecstasy flows into my ear.
After he’s had enough time to come down, I realize his body is still shaking. He’s crying. I wrap my arms around his neck and palm the back of his head to pull him to me tightly. With his face buried in my neck, he cries. I can only hope it’s cleansing. Silent cries wrack through his body for a long while. The only sounds he makes are those of utter sorrow as he tries his best to muffle them from prying ears.
Chapter 13
Koi
When you’re accustomed to a person being the light in your day, always trusting them to provide you with at least one laugh a day, it becomes daunting to watch them crawl inside. We’ve all taken Kip for granted, not realizing that one day he may not feel like smiling or making all of us laugh with his antics. I share a bus and a stage with him almost twenty-four seven, and yet it feels like he’s gone. He could have stayed home, taken some time off from the tour, and the loss would be feel the same to me. Except we watch him crawl into his bunk each night, saying as little as possible, and only emerging when it’s time to walk on stage.
He doesn’t meet with fans, sign autographs, or even throw his sticks at the crowd after a show. I don’t know how to help him. There are no words to help him through the years of pain and abuse he’s experienced. There’s sure as hell not a book on how to help your loved ones when they find out their entire lives were a lie. Kip often seems so sure of himself, but when your very existence is wrapped in deceit, your identity becomes distorted. Who you thought you were is no longer who you think you are.
It’s been nearly two weeks since the depths of depression have claimed Kip. We whisper around him, constantly attempting to find a way to help him. At first we thought allowing him to work through this his way was what he needed, but the more time goes by the deeper he sinks.
The last chords whine through the speakers of the Boise show. I thank the crowd and throw guitar picks out to them. I exit the stage to see Kip several feet in front of me, so I quickly hand my guitar to the tech and catch up.
“Hey man,” I greet as I walk beside him.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“You want to find a place to shoot pool or play darts tonight?” I ask.
“No thanks. I’m tired,” he says.
He’s not lying either. While he remains in his bunk most of the time, he has black circles under his eyes. His eyes are duller than normal, and he’s lost weight in the last four weeks.
“Why don’t we find some food and have a beer on the bus? We can find something to watch on the TV until you’re ready to go to bed,” I ask cheerfully.
“I appreciate it man. I’m just really tired.”
We approach the dressing room, so I try to find a way to talk to him.
“Hey can I talk to you in here for a minute?” I ask.
He looks hesitant to follow me.
“Yeah.”
He follows me in and I lock the door behind us to ensure our privacy.
“What’s going on man? I’m not trying to get in your business, but I care. You’re not yourself.”
He swallows hard and looks down at his hands, “I know. I’m sorry. I have a lot going through my head right now, and I can’t seem to make sense of it. I can’t sleep well. I have no appetite and no motivation to do anything. The only reason I leave the bunk is to play because it seems like that’s the only time I can escape the nightmares, questions, and doubt.”
I sigh, “Do you want to talk about any of it?”
He laces his finger
s together and continues to stare down at them, “I’m having nightmares from when I was a child. I haven’t had them since I was a teenager, but they’re back. I can’t seem to turn my head off long enough to sleep well, and my nerves are so shot the thought of food makes me nauseous. I don’t understand why those things were done to me. I had a father who wanted me but I was denied that right just as he was out of pure spite. It makes no sense to me. I get Gary was an asshole of epic proportions, but Pam was my mom. She could’ve let Beau have me. I don’t understand why things worked out the way they did. Every memory I have of my childhood, every picture, every holiday… they were all flowing from a river of deceit.”
“I don’t know if you’ll ever get the answers you want. Gary’s gone and Pam isn’t going to say any more than she has to. I don’t think it would hurt to talk to someone, and I don’t mean any of us. We’re all here ya know, if you want to talk, but maybe a third party might help. Maybe they can give you some strategies to help you find solid ground again. Sometimes it takes medicine too, and that’s okay. I’m always here man.”
He stands, hugs me and pats my back with one hand, “Thanks man. Look, I’m going to head to the bunk and see if I can’t get some rest.”
“Okay, I’ll see you on the bus.”
He turns and walks away with his head hung and shoulders slumped in defeat and exhaustion.
***
Kip
I walk through a forest. I’m not sure where I’m going, but it feels like I’m going in the right direction. I take my time and breathe in the crisp winter air and take in the barren trees covered in snow. I can see my breath each time I exhale. My body feels tired, so I find a log nearby and sit. The only sounds my ears tune into is the branches moving as the winter wind dances through the tress.
It’s peaceful here, wherever I am. The longer I sit, the clearer my mind becomes and the lighter my body feels. I hear a distant sound that I mistake for a bird for a few moments, but as the sound continues and changes in tempo and melody I realize it’s a guitar. I’m not sure why anyone would be out here in the dead of winter so curiosity gets the best of me.
Guitar Face Series Box Set: Books 1-4 Page 98
