“No. You asked if I brought you a human punching bag. I said that I did. He’s right there,” he points to Josh. “Punch away.”
“This was not discussed with me,” Josh frowns.
“I should kick both of your big asses,” I say and throw my towel to the floor.
“You should be dog tired after the regiment we completed,” Josh says.
I take a deep breath in an attempt to reign in my ever present anger, “Well I’m not. I’m fucking pissed. I want to punch something. I need to destroy something. I haven’t fucked in months! I haven’t broken anything or unleashed my anger or anyone! I’ve kept it all inside and if I don’t get it out I’m going to fucking explode!”
“Ummm….” Josh’s eyes flick to Cory’s with a look of concern.
“Broken heart,” Cory says softly.
“Ah,” Josh nods with understanding.
I narrow my eyes at Cory. He’s a traitor.
“Come ‘ere firecracker,” Josh says.
I follow him to a punching bag. He stands behind it and holds onto the bag.
“You want me to punch?” I ask.
“That’s what it’s for gorgeous,” he smirks.
If I could ever stop thinking about Kip fucking Paxton, I’d lick that smirk right off his face.
“You’re a smart ass.”
“And you are a beautiful woman who has a great deal of pent up sexual frustration and fury. Hit the fucking bag, woman,” he commands.
I reach out and hit the bag. The bag stings my knuckles when I connect with it.
“You going to find a stance or stand there like a statue?” Josh teases.
“Step out from behind that bag and I’ll show you a stance,” I threaten.
“Hit the bag, Henley,” Cory calls from behind me.
I don’t know what a fighting stance looks like. Each time I’ve been in a fight I don’t stand around like John Wayne and put my fucking dukes up. I usually end up on the ground with my target anyways.
“Find a stance that feels natural,” Josh encourages.
I try to imagine the punching bag as Claudia or Kip. I throw another punch and look at Josh once I’ve drawn my arm back to my body.
“That’s not natural,” he critiques.
“No, my natural fighting stance is throwing punches and dodging chairs in a bar brawl. I apologize but when I’m in the midst of fucking up someone’s face I don’t concentrate on a stance.”
“It’s true,” Cory chuckles. “She fights like old school.”
For the next few hours, Josh and Cory take turns fighting me. They don’t really fight me but lead me to believe they are. They duck and dodge my blows with ease and finesse I’ve never seen before. I don’t find the opportunity to land a blow into an object and prove my theory that it would make me feel better, but Josh and Cory wear me out. My muscles hurt so bad that I can barely walk to the car, and I fall asleep before we pull out of the dark gym parking lot.
The next day Cory wakes me up in the same fashion and we travel to the gym. I bitch the whole way there. I can barely move, so I’m not allowed to fight today. I’m too fucking tired anyways. I skip the third day at the gym and soak in my tub. The ache in my muscles is at its worst two days after my six hour session at the gym. On the fourth day, I return with a vengeance. Josh and Cory workout with me and then teach me to spar. They teach me how to use the bag and immediately buy one for my house. Each day I channel the rage simmering below in the vessel that is my heart into my six hour routine. I collapse each night and rarely dream.
The dreams where Kip comes home and pulls me into his chest are gone. The dreams where his tattooed muscular arms wrap around my small frame are gone. I’m glad they’re gone. I can focus on ejecting the heartache from inside of me.
For three months I fight and ignore the cause of my pain as much as humanly possible. I learn to fight with the skill Cory and Josh were both taught while in Special Ops training. When I can’t sleep I find the punching bag at my home and rain down my fury on it. The only way I can sleep is to find complete physical exhaustion. Sometimes even that isn’t enough for me to find the Sandman.
“I have to run a few errands,” Cory says as we pull up to the gym.
“Fine,” I clip out.
“Hen?”
“Yeah?” I turn to him after I open the door.
“One day you won’t be so angry. One day you’ll find true happiness.”
“When will you?” I ask him.
“Some of us have racked up too many sins to deserve a happily ever after,” he says.
“Unless Kip comes home and somehow makes all this shit okay, then I’m stuck with you in an angry hell for the rest of my life,” I retort.
“No. You don’t belong there with me.”
“Surely, taking a bullet for me and saving my life on several other occasions absolves you of past sins. I’m sure there are countless times I’m unaware of that you’ve saved me from harm while we were on the road. You get to lay down your cross, Cory.”
“Maybe one day,” he shrugs as he looks out the windshield.
“’One days’ are a bunch of bullshit. I’m still trying to figure out how to stop hoping for one day. ‘One days’ fucking hurt,” I say and exit the car, slamming the door after I’m out.
I enter the gym and breathe in the smell of it. This place has become my haven. It’s empty. I’ve never seen the gym empty.
“We’re closed,” Josh says from his office door. “Oh. I didn’t realize it was you.”
“Shit. I didn’t realize you were closed today,” I apologize.
“Cory cleared you coming to work out today. I thought you decided not to come,” he says as he looks at his watch.
“I’ll leave. It’s no problem,” I turn around with a smile.
“I’m here late doing payroll. Stay. Work out,” he calls out to me.
I turn around, “I don’t want to keep you here. You work long hours.”
“Seriously, it’s fine. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to leave.”
“Thank you,” I smile and walk to the locker room to stow my bag.
I run on the treadmill for an hour, pushing thoughts of “one days” out of my head. I turn the speed up and pound my feet on the machine below me. As my anger boils over my speed increases. I’ll sweat him out of me.
When my legs burn and spasm, I slow down the treadmill to a walking pace to give my muscles time to adjust. I leave the machine and take a water break before I lift weights for another two hours. I find the bag after that. With Eminem’s angry voice shouting through my ear buds, I match my rhythm with his as I hit the bag. I pummel my fists into it.
“Do you know what I think?” Kip asks.
“I’m scared to ask,” I smile at him.
“I think we should get naked and take advantage of the hotel pool,” he says.
“I think I’ll pass. Enough of the world has seen my ass,” I reply.
“Technically, not much of your ass was in view due to the position; however, those tits were on display for us all to see,” he says.
“You said you didn’t watch the video,” I accuse.
“I hadn’t at that point. I had to do research before I could throw the D at you. I needed to see what I was up against,” he grins.
“That is fucked up on so many levels. How could you stomach watching me with someone else?”
“I’m not a jealous person, baby. I was fully aware that you’d been with Ian. You are aware I wasn’t a virgin when we first hooked up. Being jealous of something that happened before me is a bit asinine,” he answers.
“For the record, I am not going to ask to see a video of you fucking another chick.”
“To each his own. Now about this pool. It’s sitting down there all alone. The pool is sad. It exists for our pleasure and we’re up here wearing all these clothes. Think of the pool’s feelings, Hen. This isn’t about us, it’s about
the pool. Let’s be selfless and have sex in the pool. It would be one kind deed that could change the entire life of the pool.”
“Yeah our DNA,” I guffaw.
He slaps my ass and I squeal in surprise.
The knock comes at the door.
“I’ll kick your ass,” Koi says from the other side.
I open the door to see my brother in his swim trunks.
“Let’s hit the pool,” Koi says.
I burst into laughter.
“I was just headed that way to fuck your sister in the pool,” Kip says.
“Not happening,” Koi waves his hands in dismissal of Kip’s crude statement.
“Such a cock blocker,” Kip shakes his head.
“Who’s a cock blocker?” Cam asks as he walks past Koi into our room.
“I was trying to fuck Hen in the pool,” Kip answers.
“Sorry, we’re using the pool too. Fuck her somewhere else,” Cam replies.
“Cock blocker,” Kip insults Cam.
“I haven’t seen my wife in three weeks. You get no sympathy from me,” he shrugs.
Kip and I change into our swimsuits and join our friends for a midnight swim. We play volleyball and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Laughter fills the air and a happy energy flows between us all. Times like this on tour are so rare. I try to live and breathe in the moments so I never forget them. When I’m old, I want to remember more than being shuffled from place to place and sleeping in hotel rooms or on a tour bus. I want to remember the music, the fans, and the good times that make me smile anytime I think of them.
“Come ‘ere,” Kip says a few feet away from me in the pool.
I swim to him and wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.
His expression is so thoughtful, the easy mischievous grin gone. He places a kiss on my forehead and pulls back to look at me.
“I love you so much I want to make replicas of your eyeballs so they can stare at me when you’re not with me,” he says.
I giggle.
He places a quick kiss on my lips.
“I love you so much it inspires the butterflies to dance and the birds to sing.”
I place a quick kiss on his lips.
“I love you so much that it causes stars to burst from the heaviness of the energy,” he continues.
I take in the sweet smile he gives after each proclamation.
“I love you so much it causes others to fall in love because it’s so big it’s contagious.”
He kisses my cheek.
“I love you so much that I forget what it was like before we were together. I forget why I got out of the bed every day.”
He pushes wet hair behind my ear and brings his eyes back to mine.
“I love you so much I feel genuine sympathy for those who aren’t in love.”
He rubs his thumb over my lips.
“I love you so much that I can feel your smile when the sun shines down on me.”
Kip kisses the tip of my nose.
“I love you so much that I can hear your laughter each time the wind blows.”
Kip takes one of my hands from around his neck and places it over his tattooed heart.
“I love you so much I see your grey eyes in the rain.”
He places his hand on top of my hand that rests on his chest.
“I love you so much when we’re not together I feel only like half a man.”
With my hand on his chest, he pulls me flush to his chest and whispers in my ear as he moves us slowly in the water as if we are dancing.
“I love you so much I’m going to marry you.”
He kisses the place behind my ear.
“Yeah?” I whisper softly in his ear.
“One day, babe. I’ll give you the entire fucking world. I’ll give you a ring only befitting of a queen, my last name, and a wedding so big it encompasses how big this shit is between us. One day, you’ll be my wife. One day, we’ll have beautiful children. One day we’ll have it all, because I love you that much and you deserve nothing less.”
“I love you,” I smile as I whisper into his ear.
“I know. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. Your love is made up of the things men bleed, fight, and die for. It takes over a man’s entire body and mind, leaving no room for anything else. Just your love. That’s all I ever need.”
“Hen?”
I throw a rapid succession of blows at the bag, each one absorbed by it. Fuck his ‘one days’. Fuck all he ever needed.
“Hen?”
I practice my kick into the bag and then hammer more blows into the bag.
“Hen!”
Fuck his touch and his kiss. Fuck one day. One days are full of hope that brings nothing but beating heart that can’t do anything to expel all of his shit.
“All of it! It was all bullshit! It was all fucking lies!” I scream at the bag.
“Hen.”
“Fuck the butterflies, and the birds, and the stars, and the sun, and the rain! Fuck the wind and one days. Fuck it all!”
The sob takes me by surprise when it leaves my mouth. The fact that I can’t stop the sobs that follow surprise me even more. I’ve gotten good at holding them at bay. I’ve mastered replacing my sadness with anger.
Arms wrap around me and I push against the chest and stand. I step away and wipe my eyes with my forearm.
“Hen,” Josh calls out softly.
“No!” I say and keep my hand out to ward him off.
I don’t need his sympathy or his fucking pity.
“I’m not going to hurt you. I won’t touch you if you don’t want that. You’re going to give yourself a heart attack if you don’t slow down,” he says.
The tears continue to fall down my face no matter how hard I try to make them stop. I need them to retreat. I don’t want to show this man how fucking broken I am. I don’t want him to know how many pieces Kip left me in six months ago.
I nod at him because I can’t speak past the painful lump in my throat.
“It may not matter what I think, but he’s a damn fool,” Josh says.
I nod again but another sob escapes past my wall, “I’m the fool.”
“No. They don’t get that from us. They don’t get to make us feel like we’re in the wrong. The only thing you did that was both right and wrong was loving him.”
“I’m taking it someone broke your heart,” I manage to speak between the tears and cries that threaten to break loose.
“She tore it out with a fucking spoon and then stomped on it in front of me,” he says.
“Shit,” I laugh. “That’s a great way to describe it.”
“Yeah. I can’t make you stop hurting. I can’t offer you anything but my own experience and a gym to work out in any time you want. I can’t tell you when the pain will stop waking you in the middle of the night because it hurts so fucking much, but I can offer you really good whiskey, an ear, and a shoulder to cry on,” he smiles making his blue eyes light up.
“Whiskey sounds good,” I say and wipe my face again.
***
Henley
Three months later
“Issue the statement,” I say to her.
“Oh Hen. Don’t you think you should talk to him first?” Samantha asks with her worried voice.
“I haven’t spoken to him in nine months. I haven’t seen him and even if I wanted to I wouldn’t know where to find the asshole. Issue the goddamn statement. I’ve got a plane to catch in two days to New York. I need this shit done. I have other things to worry about.”
“You still wanting to go down that path?” she asks.
“Yes. I have to fill my time with something that doesn’t make me feel dirty anymore. I’m nobody’s whore after the tour.”
“Okay. I’m behind you a hundred percent. You’re going to be so great at this.”
“Thanks Sam.”
“I called Beau a
nd told him to notify Kip of the record company’s request to meet.”
“He knows where he’s at,” I narrow my eyes at the thought.
“I know.”
“I’ll see you in New York,” I say. “Love you, girl.”
She sighs, “Love you too.”
***
E! News
“Today, the publicist for Broken Access and Abandoned Shadow issued a statement that broke our hearts,” the announcer says.
“I can’t imagine how painful this is after so many years of friendship,” the second announcer frowns.
The first announcer presses her lips together, “Henley Hendrix and Kip Paxton are calling it quits. This has blindsided us all as we’ve not seen or heard from either of them since the tragic shooting nine months ago. After decades of friendship, the two made up the perfect rock-and-roll couple and kept us all amused by their adventures on the road. They seemed like a match made in heaven. We’ve been given no information regarding the cause of the break, but the statement confirmed they were splitting amicably and would forever remain and cherish their friendship.”
“They seemed so perfect together,” the second announcer adds. “Stay tuned as we bring you footage of Kipley from their friendship and intimate years.”
***
Kip
The phone rings beside the bed.
“Yeah?” I answer still half asleep.
Beau speaks into the phone, “Have you seen the news?”
“No. What happened now?”
“First, you need to be in New York in thirty-six hours to meet with the label about completing the tour. You don’t have a choice. I’ll email you the information Samantha sent to me. Second, you need to wake up and turn on the television. If you need me, I’m here son,” he says and disconnects.
Fuck. I’m not ready to go back. Not yet.
I shuffle through the house and brew a cup of coffee. I light a cigarette and turn on the television. I flip through the news channels, finding nothing but segments about terrorists, racial tensions, and riots. I continue to flip to MTV, Fuse, and E!.
Guitar Face Series Box Set: Books 1-4 Page 115
