After he finishes, I let his words marinate in my head before I give him a response. There are many things in our past he could be sorry for, most of all breaking my heart. But I wasn’t completely innocent in everything, either. We were just two people who shouldn’t have been attracted to each other.
I picture him lying underneath me, staring up like I am. He probably has one arm propped behind his head, his ankles crossed underneath the blanket. That’s how he used to relax when we watched movies in college.
“Do you ever wonder if things could’ve been different?” I ask him.
“Honestly?” he says. “I think about it all the time. All the damn time, Lily. It feels like there’s never a time I’m not thinking about it. It’s fucked up.”
My heart plummets at his admission. What does it mean? I’m trying to read behind the lines here. With Aspen, it’s something I’ve had to learn to do.
“Do you?” he hesitantly asks.
“Honestly?” I repeat.
“Please,” he responds.
“Yes. More often than I’ll ever admit.”
“Lily,” Aspen begins, and I hear him stir below me.
“I don’t think there’s any point in talking about what-ifs. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” I say.
“What if I want to talk about what-ifs?” he counters.
“Ours are in the past. They have to stay there.”
“But about the what-ifs of the future?” he tries.
“I’m going to sleep now, Aspen.” I roll over, tucking my hand underneath my head and facing the wall.
We’re treading into unsafe territory here. It’s like we’re both about to tiptoe into no man’s land. Anyone with a brain knows how that’ll go. I’m not risking it. I just want to preserve the progress we’ve made thus far.
“I thought it was too early to go to sleep,” he teases.
“Shut up.” I smile. “Go to bed.”
“What if I want to talk more?”
I sigh, suddenly exhausted no matter how early it is. “I’m done talking. Goodnight, Aspen.”
Before I close my eyes, I mull over his words. I can’t help but wonder if the two of us had handled things more maturely in the past, if we might’ve had a different outcome. He obliterated my heart into tiny little pieces, but I also pushed him—hard. If we were more realistic about what we were doing, I’m not sure things would’ve blown up the way they did—like a freaking bomb. But they did. There’s no changing that.
I fall asleep thinking about the time in my life when Aspen owned my heart, no matter how hard I’d fought against it.
20
Lily
Past - Age Twenty-One
Aspen’s normal mask of confidence is gone from his face as he closes the distance to me. Water drips from his hair, but I barely spare it a second glance. I’m too caught up in the look he’s giving me. The want is crystal clear, conveying that he hungers for this just as bad as I do.
God, do I want it.
I know I’m insane to want this from him. To need this from him. I suspect nothing will come from it. He’s never tried to hide that he has no intentions of having anything serious. But for once, I want to be one of the girls I always make fun of. I want to be his girl for the night. I desperately want to know what it feels like to have him want me just as much as I want him—if only for a night.
I’m trying to remind myself that tomorrow we’ll go back to pretending to hate each other and using the other for the butt of our jokes. But for tonight…tonight I’ll make him mine.
“We shouldn’t be doing this, Lily,” Aspen affirms, walking the last bit of distance in the water until he’s right in front of me. He doesn’t bother with personal space. He walks right up to me until his wet chest presses against my own.
I can feel my nipples hardening underneath my sports bra. By the way his eyes flick down, he must feel them through the thin fabric as well.
“I’ve never been one that likes to play it safe,” I respond, lifting my hand from the water and running it up his arm ever so slowly.
I’m in awe that I’m getting to touch him.
Aspen Bellevue.
My brother’s best friend, but mine right now.
The water sloshes around as he reaches to cradle my head in his hands. His green eyes bore into me, letting me know how serious he is before he says his next words. “Tomorrow, we have to forget this ever happened.”
I nod, too mesmerized in the way his hand slips down my neck. He grabs the back of my head possessively. It has my body heating everywhere.
“Lily?” he says.
“Hm?” I respond, my head feeling foggy by his touch—or maybe the alcohol.
“I’m going to kiss you.” His words are simple, but they have my toes curling in the mud beneath my feet.
My eyes dart to his, my heartbeat erratic against his chest. “I think I’d like that,” I whisper. The next minute goes by so slowly it feels like I’ll never forget a single second of it.
He leans closer and pulls my lip out from between my teeth. His warm breath hits my lips two seconds before he finds my mouth.
I expect it to start out sweet, timid, calm, but it’s none of those. It’s passion, fire, need.
I open my mouth for him instantly, letting his tongue in. His fingers tangle through the strands of my wet hair, holding my head firmly in place—as if I’d even try to move.
Aspen’s other hand finds my hip in the water. His fingers dig deep into my sensitive skin, pulling me flush against him.
We’re as close as possible, but it’s not good enough for me. I reach up and clasp my hands behind his neck, using his body as leverage as I climb up him. My legs come out of the water, wrapping around his firm middle.
“Fuck,” Aspen says against my lips, grinding his groin against mine.
We’re almost perfectly aligned with each other and there’s no mistaking the hard-on that presses against me. His fingers grip my neck, and he’s not gentle when he tilts me sideways, giving himself better access to it.
I moan when I feel the scrape of his teeth against my tender skin, my back arching in the process.
“Mine, so fucking mine,” he chants, nipping at my collarbone.
I’m putty in his hands as he bites and licks all over my neck, my chest, everywhere sensitive. He bites so hard where the edge of my bra hits the top of my breast that it’ll probably leave a mark.
Both of my hands run down his neck until I firmly clutch each side of his face in my hands. “Fucking kiss me,” I demand, staring deep into his green eyes that are lit with passion.
He smirks, both his hands rubbing down my back until he’s holding my hips with both hands. His fingers dig in so deep—so possessively. The mix of his possessiveness and the way he rolls my hips against his—it’s ecstasy.
My head falls back as every nerve ending in my body goes on high alert. I want him so bad right now that I can’t see straight. I can’t think straight. It’s just Aspen and me, and the desperate need radiating off both of us.
Aspen uses the tilt of my head to his advantage. With my throat bared to him, he licks all the way down the middle of my neck, nipping one last time once he reaches the hollow. One of his hands travels up my body slowly. So achingly slowly until I feel his thumb play with the seam of my sports bra.
We’re both soaking wet, and my body begins to slip away from his. I tighten my legs around him in a vise-like grip, making sure we’re as close as possible once again.
His thumb continues to make its way underneath my bra. He traces the curve of the underside of my breast, and all I want is for his finger to reach my nipple. Just when I think it’s his sole mission to tease me and not give me what I want, he pinches my nipple between his thumb and index finger. Pleasure shoots all the way down my body, resting mostly in my core.
Aspen’s face is just millimeters away from mine when he says, “Look at me.”
I try to open my eyes, but it’s so hard when he’s pla
ying with my nipple, rubbing his dick against me in the process.
“I’m not going to ask again,” he states, slowly letting go of my nipple, undoubtedly trying to punish me for not following his directions.
I open my eyes, desperate to have him working my nipple again. “I’ll fucking kiss you when I want to, not when you tell me to, Lily Bear.” And then he’s crushing my lips against his once again.
I bob up and down his body as I roll my hips against his, giving everything I’ve got into the kiss.
“You feel too fucking good against me,” Aspen groans, breaking away from my lips for a brief moment before attacking them once again. “I want you. I want you so fucking bad, Lil.” He rolls his impressive boner against me to drive his point home.
I pull away from him and look him dead in the eye. “Then have me.”
I see the hesitation in his face, but only for a moment. He gives me an answer when he crushes his lips against mine again. He quickly walks us through the water until I feel the wood from the dock up against my back. Aspen slowly lifts me by the hips and sets me down on the dock, my ass resting on the rough wood. My legs don’t give up their position of being wrapped around him.
His touch becomes more tender, then. Before he was rabid, controlled by need. But now, he’s slow and deliberate as he traces his fingers along the inside of my thigh. I pull my lips from his and catch him staring down at the place his fingertip traces, where it moves up my thigh with purpose. We both stare at the wet trail his fingertip leaves. He moves up at a pace that tortures me, divinely, my mouth letting out a moan when he finally makes his way into my underwear. I fall back on my elbows when he slips a finger inside me, too lost in the sensation to hold myself upright.
Aspen slides another finger inside me, causing my back to arch off the wood. His mouth is hot against my inner thigh as he lays kisses all the way up its length, his fingers still working inside me. My fingernails dig into the dock as I inch closer and closer to coming undone.
“I’m so close, Aspen,” I pant, writhing against the wood.
Just as I’m about to come unglued, Aspen’s warm breath disappears, his fingers right after.
“Lily, we can’t do this.” His words have my head snapping up.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” I ask, staring at him until he gets the nerve to look at me. I push myself back up, my hands falling to his shoulders to try to get him to focus on me.
But he doesn’t. His fingers trace over my bare skin, causing it to rise with goosebumps. “I’m saying, we need to stop.” Finally, finally, he looks up at me. Before, there was passion in those emerald eyes. Now, I see the hesitation. He’s pulling away from this and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m losing him just as quickly as I almost had him.
I grab both sides of his face, forcing him to look at me. “Kiss me,” I plead, feathering my lips against his jaw. My hand dips down the slope of his neck before I dig my nails into his muscular back, trying to pull him to me in more ways than one. I’m desperate to keep him in this moment with me.
There’s not a single part of me that wants this to stop with him. I want it to start and never freaking end. I want him, him, him.
When my lips find his, I’m terrified to find them wavering against mine. He’s already regretting this, and I’ll be damned if I let that happen. We’ve come so far, I need to finish what we’ve started.
“Don’t push me away right now. I know you want this, that part is obvious.” I reach to grab the erect part of him.
I rub my hand up and down it, watching in fascination at the way his eyes close as I do it. His eyes snap open a few seconds later, and at the same time, he pulls his hips away from my hand.
“I told you this was a bad idea.”
“And I told you I didn’t give a damn. We both want each other. We have for a while. I’m done trying to hide it.”
He looks at me dejectedly. “But Maverick.”
“Maverick doesn’t care.”
“Well, I care, Lily. I’m stopping this, and I’m stopping it now.” Aspen takes a few steps away from me, going deeper into the lake.
I laugh in disbelief, bracing myself with one hand to stand up. As soon as I reach our clothes, I quickly pull them over my wet underwear. Just as I’m putting my head through the hole in my T-shirt, I find Aspen pulling himself out of the water and onto the dock.
We get dressed silently. Goosebumps cover my skin from the sudden loss of his heat.
Typical Aspen, going hot and cold so quick it gives me whiplash.
Once we’re both fully dressed, I walk up to Aspen, square against him. I make sure he’s looking me in the eye before I say my next words.
“I’m giving you this one chance, Aspen. It isn’t too late. Stop hiding behind other girls and admit that you have a thing for me, even if I am your best friend’s sister. Give this a chance. And if you’re too scared, then that’s on you. But know, when the sun rises tomorrow, I want nothing to do with you. Both of us will know how much of a coward you are. And just know that it was your choice—and you chose wrong.”
“Lily,” he begins, his shoulders falling in defeat.
I can tell by the look in his eyes that whatever is about to come out of his mouth, I won’t like. I put my hand against his chest in defeat, stopping him. “You don’t have to say another word. I’d rather your silence than your lies.”
I throw the alcohol into my backpack before pulling it on, despite my still-wet body, and then head in the direction of the fence.
The whole way back to their house, I feel his gaze on me, but I don’t look back at him once.
I’m not playing his games.
When we wake up tomorrow, things will go back to the way they’ve always been between us.
Aspen and Lily: enemies.
Except this time, I’ll actually mean it.
21
Lily
Present
I wake up the next morning to the smell of bacon and the sound of laughter coming from downstairs.
After carefully stepping down the ladder, I find Aspen’s bed empty. He must already be up and down there. My bag is still sitting where I left it last night, so I rifle through it until I find an outfit suitable for the car ride today.
I’m quick in the bathroom as I get through my morning routine. I fell asleep with soaking wet hair last night, leaving it one big, giant knot this morning. Instead of lingering on whether or not to attempt to style it, I throw it up in a messy bun and call it a day.
When I finally make it downstairs, I smile at the scene before me. Ed is setting the table, Helen is frying some bacon, but what I’m most surprised to see is Aspen mixing a big bowl of—what I assume is—pancake batter.
“So, do you want any children of your own, Aspen?” Helen asks him.
Aspen’s hand pauses on the whisk, but as soon as it stops, it starts back up again. “I think so. I think about them sometimes. Like how many I want, and what I’ll do with them. I need to find myself a lady first, though.” The stair below me creeks as I try to get closer to eavesdrop better.
I must suck at sleuthing, because Helen notices me right away. “Aspen here told me breakfast isn’t the same for you without pancakes, so I put him on pancake duty.” She nudges him with her free elbow, causing him to shake his head while still pumping the whisk in the batter.
“No meal is as good as pancakes in her opinion,” Aspen starts. “Doesn’t matter what time of day it is. I’ve personally watched her eat pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” He looks over his shoulder, giving me a playful smile.
“I can’t help my love for pancakes. It runs deep,” I declare. Walking into the kitchen, I take a seat on the chair Ed’s just pulled out for me.
“Nothing wrong with that, dear,” Helen says, placing the bacon on a plate.
A few minutes later, we’re all gathered around the table, eating the delicious breakfast feast.
“I have to hand it to you, Aspen. Thes
e pancakes are actually edible,” I tease, smiling at him through a mouthful of them.
He looks up at me with a smile in his eyes. “I’ve been practicing.” His face gets red seconds later. “I mean, they look more than edible by the way you’ve polished them off.” He motions to my plate, and I look down to find it practically licked clean.
I ignore the first part of his sentence. “Okay, you win. It was delicious.”
“So, what are you two kids doing today?” Ed asks, taking a sip of his steaming coffee.
“Oh, we have to get back on the road soon,” Aspen responds, as he walks to the counter to fill up his plate with seconds.
“We have to make it to our friend’s event in a few days,” I add, before licking the syrup off my fork.
“What kind of event?” Helen asks.
“Lily’s twin brother and his girlfriend—who’s also our friend—both work for a nonprofit called Connor’s Ocean. It’s really special to them, and they’re finally opening an office space for the nonprofit. We’re driving down for the grand opening,” Aspen says.
“Wow,” Helen answers. “That’s really something.”
“They’re both my heroes,” I tell the table, thinking of all the great things Veronica and Maverick have done with the nonprofit. There are times I get so overwhelmed by the goodness of their hearts. Veronica went through something traumatic when she lost Connor many years ago, and the fact that she’s doing something inspiring in his name, with my brother by her side, makes me want to tear up.
Ed’s voice cuts through my thoughts. “It’s unfortunate you have to take off so early. You sure you don’t want to wait a day? We can give you a tour of the town, even though it might be crazy with all the visitors and the dang convention.”
I look to Aspen for help on what we should say. I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I also want to get back on the road and continue our trip east.
The Road to Finding Us: A Standalone Second Chance Romance (Aftershock Series Book 2) Page 11
