by Jeff Strand
“Oh, don’t do that. That’s no fun.”
“No, fun is taking my kids to an amusement park. Fun is not spending all night at a graveyard so I can dig up a coffin with a tapeofAmerica’s Most Fucked-Up Home Videos! “
“You just don’t know how to party.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“People will die.”
“Who?”
“You’ll find out.”
“I’m not playing around any more,” I said. “Tell me who this is. Is this Jennifer?”
“Maybe.”
“Okay, fine, I don’t expect you to reveal your secret identity. Tell me why you’re doing this.”
“I have nothing to loss.”
“What the hell does `nothing to loss’ mean? What was that, a typo?”
Silence.
“Jeez, Mr. or Mrs. PsychopathicDipshit , you’d think if you were going to go to all the trouble of letting your computer do the talking you’d be more careful with your typing so you wouldn’t sound like a complete moron.”
Still no response.
“What’s the matter, did you loss your voice?”
“It won’t seem so funny when you’re the one tied to that bed.” It was the computer speaking. I’d hoped to make the killer mad enough to break in on the conversation, but no such luck.
“No, you’re right, it probably won’t,” I conceded. “That’s why I’m not giving it a chance to happen.”
“People will die.”
“You already said that. Are you using macros now?”
The typing grew louder and faster. “You listen to me, Andrew Mayhem. I have five people locked away who are going to die the same excruciating death you saw tonight if you don’t follow my instructions.”
“Yeah, right.How do I know you’re not bluffing, like you did when you said you were going to keep Roger?”
“You’ll get the tapes.”
“Uh-huh. Sure.”
“Don’t push it, Mayhem. If I have to, I’ll bring one of them down right now and you can listen to me rip her apart. Did you watch the tape all the way through?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you know which five people I’m talking about.”
It still could have been a bluff, but after seeing the tape, and after possibly hearing Jennifer stabbed to death last night, I decided it wasn’t worth taking a chance.“Fine. You’ve got my attention. What’s up?”
“I wanted to tell you that you’re doing well.”
“Really?Wow, you just don’t know how much your approval means to me. My parents never thought I’d amount to anything, and hearing your words of encouragement has really brightened my night. Thank you so very the hell much.”
A loud honk made me realize that I had drifted into the opposite lane and was heading toward a Volkswagen. I quickly jerked the steering wheel and got back where I belonged.
“You should be more careful,” the killer’s computer informed me.
“Chew me.”
“Here are the rules, Andrew. Do not talk about what has happened. If you tell anyone, those five innocent people will die horribly. If you keep quiet and play along, they will be released. Do you understand?”
“When will they be released?” I asked.
“Soon.”
“That doesn’t cut it. Tell me exactly when they’ll be released and maybe we’ve got a deal.”
“Very soon.That’s all I can say.”
“All right.I won’t talk to anyone.”
“Good. But I want you to keep investigating. Learn all you can. Try to find out who I am. Play the game. Have fun with it.”
“I don’t see any potential for fun here, but I’ll do my best. So why are you doing this? If you’re somefreakazoid who gets off on torturing people, that’s your business, but why am I involved?”
“Soon it’s going to be all over for me. As I said, I have nothing to lose. I’m going to die, and I want to be remembered for something big. I’m giving you the adventure of a lifetime so you’ll make sure everyone else remembers me.”
“Hell, if you quit right now, I’ll hire a skywriter.”
“No, I don’t want to quit before the real fun begins. Would you like a clue about who I am?”
“By all means.”
“I’m not Jennifer.”
“Well, I’ll be sure to scratch her off my list of suspects.”
“I want you to see her again. Not on video, in the flesh. Maybe you can save her.”
“So she isn’t dead?”
“Not necessarily. Pull over and stop the car. Make it someplace abandoned. Then tell me where you are, and I’ll help you find her.”
I pulled into the parking lot of a strip mall, and then drove behind the buildings. I stopped next to a garbage dumpster and shut off the engine. “Okay, I’m parked.”
“Where are you?”
“Don’t you know? I assumed you had helicopter surveillance or something.”
“Do you want to find her or not?”
“I’m behind theParnola mall.”
“Much better.You picked a good place. She’s very close. Now here’s the game. There are five quarters hidden in Roger’s car. Each one has a different date. In ten minutes, I’m going to call you back, and you’re going to tell me all five of the dates.”
“And what’s the penalty in this little game?”
“Death.For each quarter you miss, one of the prisoners dies.”
Like I needed any more pressure.“You said they’d be released if I kept quiet!”
“No, I said you had to play along. So play along. Jennifer will help you.”
The killer hung up. I cursed loudly in multiple quantities, and then checked my watch. 1:47 A.M. Okay, fine, I’d play along. How hard could it be to find some quarters?
I turned on the overhead light, then did a quick visual search of the front and back seat and saw nothing. I pulled down each of the sun visors in case quarters were taped to them, but no luck. I opened the glove compartment and two half-empty bottles of aspirin fell out, along with a woman’s severed hand.
“Oh, shit!” I screamed, recoiling against the driver’s side door to get away from it. The hand rested on the floor, palm down. Some specks of blood had dried on the wedding ring.
I sat there for a moment, unable to move. Okay, get over it, I finally told myself. If you sit here trembling some people will die. Find those quarters.
I thought I’d caught a glimpse of silver as the hand fell, so I reached over with my foot and used the toe of my shoe to flip it over. In the palm rested a quarter. I tried to slide it off, but it was clearly glued on. I leaned down to get a closer look.Tails. To see the date, I was going to have to pull it off.
There was absolutely no time for squeamishness, so I ripped the quarter off and placed it on the seat. A tiny piece of flesh came off with the quarter, but I put that way the hell out of my mind and rummaged through the glove compartment until I’d searched it completely. No other quarters.
Under the seat was a good possibility.
Not that I’d be able to see where I was reaching.
Oh, I could thinkofso many things I’d rather be doing.
Still using my foot, I pushed the hand as far out of the way as possible, then leaned down and tried to look underneath the passenger seat. I couldn’t see a thing.
I reached underneath, moving my hand slowly, praying I wouldn’t find any more of Jennifer. The thought that the killer might have placed something like a mousetrap under the seat also occurred to me, in case the first thought hadn’t been bad enough.
My hand slid against something wet.
I nearly tore the skin off my fingers in my haste to yank my hand out of there, and I nearly bit my tongue off in my effort not to shriek.
Doing my best to ignore the scarlet streak on the side of my hand, I checked my watch. Two minutes had already passed. I had to get over my reluctance and f
ind those quarters right away. I could always find a nice comfy padded cell later.
I reached back underneath the seat, wishing that I were a boring, unimaginative person who was unable to visualize all the possibilities for what my hand was exploring.
Then I let out a small yelp as something bit me.
After yanking my hand free once again, I realized my mistake. It hadn’t been a bite. I’d just poked myself on something���a protruding bone, most likely.
If there wasn’t a quarter underneath the seat after all this, I was going to be seriously irked.
Once again I began the search. I felt my way around for a full minute before locating the quarter, which was hidden way in the back. I pulled my arm out and resisted the urge to wipe my hand on Roger’s upholstery.
I moved to the other side and reached underneath the passenger seat. My hand made contact with something, and this time it was easy to identify.A foot.Two feet, actually, as I discovered when I moved my hand to the right. This wasn’t nearly as bad as whatever had been under the other seat, and I found the quarter wedged between the little piggy who had none and the little piggy who went weeweewee all the way home.
I looked at my watch again and realized that this had taken longer than I thought. Only four minutes left.
Okay, there was a definite motif here, so the quarters could only be hidden someplace large enough to hide a body part. The trunk was a logical place to check. I pulled the trunk release, got out of the car, and lifted the lid.
It was filled to the top with confetti.
Without hesitation, I thrust my hands inside and began searching through it as rapidly as I could. I found the spare tire right away, but shortly after that my hand brushed against some hair.Long hair. I grabbed a fistful of it and lifted Jennifer’s severed head out of the confetti.
I couldn’t let the fact that I was holding a head distract me. I turned it all around, searching for a quarter that might be glued to it.Nothing. I ran my fingers all through her hair, and found nothing there, either. I checked the ears, in case it were some demented variation of the magic trick my uncle always liked to show me, but that was also unsuccessful.
A possible hiding spot occurred to me.
I shook the head violently, trying to jar loose anything that might be in its mouth. Nothing fell out.
It looked like I was going to find out how long it took a dead tongue to dry out, after all.
I reached inside her mouth. I can’t describe what it felt like, because my hand went completely numb. But I quickly found the quarter, underneath her tongue. It had been wrapped in cellophane, which was nailed down to keep it in place. I tore it free, dropped the head back in the confetti, and shut the trunk.
Four out of five.The fifth one was probably either under the car or under the front hood. I hurried back to the front seat to pop open the hood.
The phone rang.
I quickly scooped up the quarters I’d placed on the seat and picked up the phone. It rang again, but I didn’t answer. I pulled the lever to open the hood, then ran to the front of the car and lifted the hood.
Nothing looked unusual. The phone continued to ring.
Damn it! I couldn’t answer, or the killer would know that I only found four of the quarters. But if I didn’t answer, all five of the prisoners might die!
I answered.“Yeah?”
“Did you meet Jennifer?” It was the same computer-generated monotone.
“Oh, yeah.That was real clever.” I frantically began lifting hoses and looking anywhere a body part might be hidden.
“What’s your honest opinion? Can she be saved?”
“Screw you.” I had no time for wit.
“Tell me the dates on the quarters. You have ten seconds.”
I tried to make my voice as casual as possible.“1994, 1980, 2001, 1976, and 1997.”
There was a long pause on the other end, longer than the normal pauses for typing. “Not bad.Four out of five.”
“What do youmean, four out of five? I found them all!”
“Only four were correct. So, Andrew, I’ll be a sport and let you pick who’s going to die. If you need to review the tape, feel free.”
“Hell no!Now, you listen to me. I’m willing to play along with your game, but you have to stick with the rules you set up! If I found all five quarters, all five people get to live, and if you’re not going to honor that I’ll be talking to the cops before you can say `I’m a psychotic asshole.’”
“There was no 1997 quarter.”
“The hell there wasn’t! I found one quarter in the glove compartment, one quarter under each seat, one quarter in the trunk, and one quarter wedged in the seat cushion in the back. That’s five. If you disagree, get your ass back to elementary school.”
“There wasn’t one in the back.”
“There mostcertainlywas one in the back.Hey, maybe the quarter was already there, but if you were dumb enough to pick something that could have been in the car before you started, that’s not my fault. I can’t help it if you didn’t check out the car thoroughly. Once I found the five quarters, I quit.”
There was a very long pause before the computer voice spoke.
“You’re a lying bastard, Andrew.”
I didn’t respond. I just stood there, cringing.
“But I’m going to give you points for effort. None of the prisoners will die tonight.”
I was astonished, but I certainly wasn’t going to let it show.“So now what?”
“If you need to, get yourself cleaned up. If you didn’t already find it, there’s a towel and some rubbing alcohol on the left side of the trunk, under the confetti. Leave the car. It will be taken care of. A cab will meet you out front.”
“And after that?”
“Try and find me. But remember what I said about not talking to anyone about tonight.And no cops. If the police come after me, I’ll have plenty of warning time to kill the prisoners, and make it hurt. I could be anyone, so watchyourself . And like I said, have fun.”
“My joy sensors are going into overload already.”
“But make sure you get in that cab, or I’ll have to make a new video. Good night, Andrew. I’ll be in touch.”
The killer hung up.
I didn’t know what else to do. I opened the trunk again, got as much of the blood off as possible, and went out front to wait for the taxi.
“WHAT HAPPENED to you?” asked Roger as he opened the door to his apartment.
“It was bad.Real bad.” I stepped inside and saw Theresa and Kyle sleeping safely on the pullout bed. Until this whole thing was resolved, it was going to be difficult to let them out of my sight.
Now I was sort of in a bind. Could I tell Roger about the horrors of last night? For all I knew, the place could be bugged. The phone could be tapped. I didn’t know what kind of resources the killer had, and honestly I didn’t know enough about surveillance to know what degree of paranoia was justified. At the moment I was envisioning some eccentric billionaire with cameras hidden in every corner of Chamber, sitting in his cushioned chair in a room with five hundred monitors, stroking his ugly cat.
So I didn’t want to say anything to Roger. What good would it do, anyway? He’d end up an even more reluctant partner than he already was. Nah, I’d shield him from the hard stuff for the time being.
“I can’t talk about it,” I said. “I will say that I’m not entirely certain you’re ever going to get your car back.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s either being cleaned or incinerated���I’m not sure which.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Just…ask later, okay?”
Roger didn’t look particularly keen on the idea of not knowing what happened to his car until later, but he let it go. “So, if you’re sworn to secrecy, what’s next?”
“We keep investigating. I’m not going to be able to sleep for the next few months anyway, so I’m heading over to the Ashcraft place to see what I
can find out.”
Chapter 12
I LEFT MY car alongside the road about six blocks from Michael and Jennifer’s house. I was getting tired of all this walking around, but I wanted to cut down on the chances that I’d get busted for burglary. About three blocks from their house it suddenly occurred to me that my pockets were missing something vitally important, such as my car keys. After uttering one of the ruder phrases I’d spoken in my life, I jogged back to where I’d parked my automobile.
It was gone.
I used the word “shit” numerous times.
Then I realized that this wasn’t even where I’d left it���I was still a block away. It was pretty clear that my mind was no longer the well-oiled, smooth-running piece of machinery it had been a little over a day ago.
I jogged over to the place where I’d left my car, and was actually surprised to find it there, fully intact. The keys were still in the ignition, and the doors were locked. I suppose I could’ve called a locksmith, but I didn’t want to stand around waiting so I picked up a nice-sized rock and smashed open the passenger-side window, spraying safety glass all over the place. I leaned inside, retrieved my keys, and headed back to Michael’s house.
Nobody was out for a late-night stroll and I didn’t see anyone with their faces pressed against the neighboring windows, so I figured it was safe enough to hurry into the backyard. Once there, I saw that there was a door that probably led to the garage, and a couple of large windows in the main part of the house.
I reached for thedoorknob, mentally reviewing my plan of action should an alarm go off:
Stand in dumbfounded shock for exactly twoseconds .
Run away very fast.
I tested the doorknob.Locked. I tested it again, in case some higher power had fixed the situation for me, but no luck. I’d left my lock-picking tools in a previous life, so my only choice now was a window.
I peeked through one of the windows, a sliding one which was up about five feet from the ground. Through it, I could see the kitchen. Hopefully they had beer in thefridge, because I wasgonna need a good drink after this. I pressed my hands against the glass and tried to raise it, but the window was, of course, locked.
