"I'll ride with you, Mom."
"No, I want to go alone. I need you here in case Charlie shows up with my order."
Charlie was the UPS guy. His mother was expecting a big order of ranch supplies and if it arrived when no one was home it would go back to the warehouse until the next day. She told Josiah earlier that day that she needed some of those supplies tonight.
"I'll wait for Charlie. After he comes I'll catch up with you, okay?"
His mother nodded and followed the medics outside. For several minutes Josiah just stood staring at the door. It seemed so surreal that his father would just die like that. He'd spoken to him a few hours ago before he took Tara driving. He couldn't be dead.
It reminded him too much of the time when Bobby died. He had walked around in circles for hours, unsure what to do. The shock had immobilized him. His parents were even worse off than he had been since his father had been the one to actually kill his little brother. If only he'd listened when his little brother had asked him for help. If only tonight he hadn't dragged out his time with Tara. If only...
He sat on the couch and rested his head on his palms. As the tears rolled down he talked to God and grieved like he'd never grieved before. When he finally calmed, he grabbed tissues and blew his nose until his head cleared. After washing his face and going to the bathroom, he entered the living room determined to open the Scriptures and allow God's word to be a balm to his hurting soul.
Someone knocked on the door. Charlie. Thank God.
Josiah grabbed a pen and said as he opened the door, "Where do I sign?"
Tara stood outside looking none too happy to see him. He glanced at the clock on the wall. If UPS hadn't come by now, they weren't coming today. Had he been crying that long? It couldn't have been several hours, but clocks don't lie.
"We need to talk." She rested her hands on her hips and leaned forward.
He stepped back. "Hey. I wasn't expecting you here."
Her forehead wrinkled and she examined him more closely. "You look like you've been crying. Is something wrong?"
Gesturing for her to come inside, he shut the door and motioned for her to sit down.
"It's my father..." Tears welled in his eyes and his throat tightened.
"Oh, no. Did something happen?" Her eyes swam with tears of empathy.
He really appreciated her company right now. Her presence brought him immeasurable comfort. "He... died."
She gasped and pulled him into her arms.
Josiah allowed her to hold him, his heart numb from hours of crying. He didn't want to start sobbing again. Not with Tara there. It was too overwhelming to talk about. He just wanted her to hold him forever and never let go.
His shoulders shook as she squeezed him tighter. How he loved this woman.
"Don't say anything. Just let me hold you, okay?" Her warm breath on his ear made him shiver with delight. He wanted nothing more than to escape the pain and make love to Tara. In so many ways she had helped to heal his hurting soul back in high school. He wanted to feel that close to her again.
She seemed to sense his need and gazed at him with loving eyes. "I'm here for you."
Not trusting his voice to remain steady, he nodded and held her against him. She felt so good, so perfect. And her pheromones were making his head swim. "Tara..." Tipping her face up with his finger, he gazed down at her and offered her a tentative kiss. "I need you so much right now. I--"
She cut him off with a heady kiss. He released his pain as he filled his nostrils with her unique fragrance, and he reveled in the feel of her lips on his. His heavily guarded wall crumbled until he was wide open to whatever happened next.
While Tara didn't say anything, he knew the reason she had come to his house was now completely forgotten. He wanted her to know how much he appreciated her comfort.
"I love you so much, Tee."
She blinked back tears. "I love you, too."
Boundaries forgotten, they found comfort in each other's arms, and by the time they finished he was completely exhausted. While their bodies were satiated, the ache that had propelled him toward physical intimacy remained. Only now, there was an added layer of guilt.
He'd blown it big time by letting her inside his house. He should've known better than to kiss her when he was in such a weakened state. It was his fault, and he hated himself for it.
One glance into her eyes told him she understood completely. How quickly the fires of passion had faded, now that they were rational and had cooled down enough to think about their actions. They both knew that their behavior didn't honor God, nor did his lack of restraint show any respect for Tara. In fact, it only made it that much harder for him to resist future encounters. Now that he'd had a taste of Tara again, his body would crave more.
"I... I need to go." She scrambled to put her clothes back on, and before he could even apologize, she had fully dressed and slipped out the front door and into the night.
The gaping hole in his heart broke open and bled... until he was completely covered with the stain from his sin. Josiah closed his eyes, and wept.
Chapter Eleven
Tara couldn't believe what they had just done. To make matters worse, they hadn't even used protection. At least back when she was in high school her mother had put her on the pill. She'd stopped taking it a few years ago when it became too expensive and she had no reason to be on them anymore. Since becoming a Christian, she had firmly placed her past in the past. She'd never expected it to rise up and bite her when she wasn't prepared to defend herself.
What if she became pregnant? With all of her other responsibilities, the last thing she needed was an infant to take care of, too. Tara groaned. She'd never done anything so stupid or irresponsible before. At least not since she'd given her life to Christ.
Now it couldn't be undone. Why had she let her body take over and overrule her convictions? Just because Josiah had been hurting, didn't mean she had to offer him everything. Her emotions had gotten tangled up when she saw his grief, and her basest instincts had kicked in. The desire to give her body to him had been there since he'd walked back into her life.
Until that evening, she had been faithful to Jesus. But now she felt dirty, even though sex was a gift from God. They weren't married, so their fornication was not blessed. They couldn't do that again. Not until they'd said their vows... If they married at all.
If only she could retrace her steps, she would have walked out of the house. Was there any hope for a future if they couldn't restrain their flesh now? Would God even honor a relationship that was so obviously flawed? Had her love for Josiah pushed Jesus from the throne of her heart? She groaned and cried out to Jesus for forgiveness. She wanted to feel right with God again, and that wasn't going to happen unless she told the Lord that she would "go, and sin no more."
Her heart ached when she thought about the devastated look in Josiah's eyes. Had he really needed more than a tender, affirming hug? She doubted it. He'd needed love, not sex, to relax him and reassure him that he would be okay. Instead, she'd enticed him to do more. At the time, their bodies had reacted to the pain, and acted like comfort and sexual intimacy were the same. Probably because they had been so familiar with each other back in high school that it seemed like a natural response to make love. But it was the worst thing they could have done.
If only she had resisted the desire to give herself to him completely, but she'd reacted like someone had flipped the switch to automatic pilot and had disengaged her brain from her body. Now she was disgusted with herself and was pretty sure he felt the same way. Before she'd become a Christian she never thought twice about what they'd done when they were together. Now she feared it would be the very thing that would break them apart.
She wanted to be with Josiah again. But was it only a fleshly desire? Was there more to their bond than she realized? Back in high school she remembered the 'sex lady' coming from the county's Crisis Pregnancy Center to talk to them about pre-marital sex. She was funny and i
nteresting and talked about how sex before marriage super-glued you to the other person. She had definitely felt super-glued to Josiah then. She prayed that glue from their actions tonight wouldn't result in further bondage to sin, but in freedom in Christ that only comes with true repentance.
The 'sex lady' also talked about how devastating a break up with someone could be after sharing such intimate encounters. At the time, Tara had not realized she would be devastated as described, because she had never expected Josiah to break up with her when he left for college. Her world had been ripped apart back then. Now that they'd fallen, what would keep him from breaking up with her again?
Back in high school many of her friends had been educated through experience long before their class discussion. She and Josiah became sexually active when she was in the tenth grade and he was in eleventh. Two years of living like a married couple made for a lot of physical contact. They knew everything about each other, especially when it came to sex. Just thinking on the past made her body warm. How she wished they had waited.
A lump filled her throat when she thought about the devastation he'd caused to her heart that summer when he'd dumped her without giving her a decent reason for it. She hadn't bought that line he'd given her about wanting to become a missionary, but looking back, she figured he must've been telling her the truth. Regardless, she never wanted to feel that way again. But something told her that could easily happen. She'd opened herself to further pain by becoming intimate with him again. Yet, part of her wanted to still be with him in every way. It was like a vicious cycle of desire that never ended.
Josiah was a good man despite introducing her to premarital sex when she was too young to be smarter about her behavior. She wished she had been firmer about their boundaries back then, and especially now that they'd started dating again. While their steamy encounter tonight had been exciting and memorable, she had no business practically seducing him when he was in such a weakened state. Or had he seduced her? She couldn't recall the details, just that they had fallen into each others' arms and blocked out everything but the sensations that came from being together.
She couldn't help wondering... was Josiah thinking about her right now? And if so, what went through his mind? Did he have similar regrets? Would he want to stop seeing her now that they'd crossed the line? Had he repented? Had he asked God for the strength to resist future temptation? Something told her it wouldn't take long to find out.
*****
Josiah woke suddenly when the front door shut. To his embarrassment, he wore only his boxers. The rest of his clothing was lying in a jumbled heap on the floor.
His mother glanced at him, her eyes weary, and said, "You had company?"
His neck heated and he slipped on his jeans. What could he say? He'd been found out. "Yes. I thought Charlie was at the front door and it ended up being Tara instead. I told her about dad and... well..."
She studied him for a moment. "I understand. I don't agree with it, but I can see why it happened."
Josiah's stomach flipped as he pulled on his shirt and sat up. "You do?"
Sitting beside him, his mother patted his leg. "Yes. Your father and I were... very close and the day his father died we found ourselves in a similar situation."
He didn't know what to say. His parents had been intimate before they were married?
She offered him a shy smile and said softly, "That's how you were conceived. We got married, of course. That's what most people did, though some girls never married the boys that got them pregnant."
"You married dad because you were pregnant with me?"
"Not exactly. We would've married anyway eventually. It just happened sooner when we found out about you." Tears filled her eyes. "I've never regretted it, not even when times were hard. And there were many times when we both wanted to give up."
"You did?"
"Of course. After your brother died..." his mother's voice lowered to the point he could barely hear her. "Jack couldn't seem to forgive himself."
"But it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I should've been watching him better."
"Your father blamed himself. He never blamed you. And you shouldn't, either. Your brother was difficult to take care of and your dad wasn't comfortable leaving him with you because he knew you weren't good at babysitting."
"Is that why dad started drinking? Because Bobby died?"
"Yes, but thankfully he discovered AA when you were in college."
"It got that bad?"
"You wouldn't believe how bad it had gotten, but when you first went to college we almost divorced."
"But that was only a few years ago. You guys seemed so in love whenever I came home to visit."
"That heart attack was your father's wake up call. He'd been sober most of the time you were in college, but he'd harbored a lot of anger and that added to his stress, which caused him to have high blood pressure and other physical problems."
Josiah combed his bangs with his fingers and let out an exhausted breath. "Thanks for telling me this, Mom. Makes my problem seem smaller now."
"And what problem is that?"
His shoulders sagged. "I don't know what to do about Tara. I feel like I love her, but now that we've gone and done this I'm more confused than ever. I'm wondering if what I feel is more desire than love, you know?"
"I don't mean to ask a personal question, Son, and feel free not to answer, but is she the only woman you've been intimate with?"
He nodded, his throat tight. "I feel like such a jerk for not restraining myself more. How am I going to lead her spiritually when I can't even control my sexual urges?"
"How do you think she feels?"
"Probably the same way. You should've seen the look in her..." his voice hitched, "in her eyes when she left. It was like she was scared. Now I don't know what to do."
"With the Lord's help, you'll know. Pray and ask Him to show you how to deal with this. But first, ask Him for forgiveness, and then ask Tara for the same."
Could he do that without hurting her feelings? He doubted it. But that did sound like good advice. As he peered into his mother's weary eyes, he thought about how hard it would be for his mom without his dad alive to be her faithful companion and friend. He'd always envied his parents' love for each other. The fact that he now knew they had struggled in many ways and still worked things out brought him immeasurable comfort.
"I'm sorry we're talking about my love life right now when you just lost your husband, Mom. I wish I could've been here to help him when he was choking."
Her eyes filled and Josiah pulled his mother into his arms.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. I miss him so much."
Josiah held his mother as she wept. Just when he thought he'd had no tears left, he felt his eyes welling once again. He'd miss his father, too, but he wanted to be there for the one woman in his life who needed him most right now, his mother. He would do whatever he could to help her with the ranch and to pay the bills. It was the least he could do.
When they finished crying, his mother pulled back and patted his cheek. "Thank you."
"I love you, Mom. We'll get through this."
"Yes, we will."
But first, he needed to take care of business and apologize to Tara. Unfortunately both of them had busy schedules for the next few days. And then there would be the need to plan his father's funeral. He would call and tell Tara on the phone that they needed to talk, but it would have to happen after the services for his father were completed. Until then, he'd have a full plate.
Closing his eyes, he prayed for Tara that she would forgive him. He followed up with a prayer that he would also learn to forgive himself. He needed an extra measure of self-control, and prayed with everything in him that he would be strong enough to do the right thing. His walk with God would suffer as long as he lived in sin. He'd learned that years before, and didn't want to go back to that dry spiritual place again.
Even if they managed to forgive themselves, what wou
ld keep them from doing it again? Was he strong enough to conquer this enemy in his life? The devil came to rob, kill and destroy. He didn't want the enemy of his soul robbing his joy, killing his love for Christ, or destroying his walk with the Lord.
Short of breaking up, he didn't see how they could avoid sinning again. That conversation was one he wished he wouldn't have to have with Tara. But unless God told him otherwise, he didn't think he had a choice. He couldn't serve both God and his flesh. Or could he?
The temptation to compromise was so strong his body trembled. The battle with his flesh had to belong to the Lord, because he was a weak man full of passions, like King David, and Tara was his Bathsheba. Like the story written in the Old Testament about King David's infamous sin, Tara was little ewe lamb he wanted with everything in him. He only hoped that he wouldn't fall as hard as David had, or suffer such devastating consequences if he did fall again.
Chapter Twelve
Tara waited the next day to hear from Josiah, but he didn't call. Why was she not surprised? Then again, he was in the middle of dealing with his father's death and planning the funeral arrangements. If she were doing the same for her mother she wouldn't have time for much else. She would need moral support, though, and if Josiah would just contact her she would give him anything he needed.
Maybe that was the problem.
How she wished he would talk to her, or at least include her in the planning so she could help. Unless, he was worried she would just be a distraction. That would probably be true. But as the days continued with no contact, she became more antsy and stressed out. Whenever the phone rang she ran to it, only to discover it was not Josiah, but some telemarketer or business related to her mother's care.
As she ate breakfast that morning on her day off and waited for the home health aide to arrive, she thought about Josiah and the last time they'd been together. Tears swam in her eyes. She blinked and they rolled down her cheeks. She didn't try to stop them.
The Lonely Lady Page 10
