by Scott Meyer
Gwen whispered, “Poor Phillip. He looks so sad.”
Martin looked, and had to agree. Phillip stood in the traditional best man’s position next to Martin, wearing a gray military uniform, oversized fake eyebrows, and a painted-on purple stain around his lips. He saw that Martin was looking at him and smiled gamely, but his heart wasn’t in it.
“Yeah,” Martin said. “He’s still taking everything awfully hard. At least Brit’s bad mood plays into her costume.”
Brit the Younger stood by Gwen’s side, wearing a robe that covered her completely from the flat-topped hat she wore on her head all the way to the floor, exposing only her face and the blue contact lenses in her eyes.
The fleshy blob in the tank continued, “Do you, Martin, heir of Duke Leto Atreides and leader of the Fremen, Kwisatz Haderach, take this woman to be your wife, for political purposes?”
Martin said, “I do.”
“And do you, Gwen, daughter of the Padishah Emperor Shaddam the Fourth, take this man to be your husband, for political purposes?”
Gwen said, “I do.”
Phillip stepped forward and opened a polished wooden box. Inside, on a velvet cushion, there were two simple wedding bands.
Phillip muttered, “I was surprised that they don’t look like the Duke’s signet ring.”
Gwen said, “I told him if they did, I’d put them both on and punch him with them.”
The blob in the smoke tank said, “By the power vested in me as a third-stage guild navigator, I now pronounce you husband and wife. This never happened. I was never here.”
The tank receded into the wall, and the panel slid back into place. Martin kissed Gwen as the theme from Dune again blasted through the hall. All of the simulated Fremen warriors stood at attention and held their crysknives aloft in salute.
Martin turned to Gwen and whispered, “You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”
“By marrying you, or by marrying you like this?”
A single tear rolled down Martin’s cheek. “Both.”
Martin and Gwen’s friends who weren’t already on the stage ran up to congratulate the happy couple. Jeff, Roy, and Tyler wore identical stiff-necked, dark blue military uniforms. Roy had a fake scar on his cheek, while Jeff had a small diamond painted on his forehead. They vigorously shook Martin’s hand, and just as vigorously hugged Gwen.
Phillip arched an oversized eyebrow at Gary, who kept his distance, standing alone at the corner of the stage. “Come on over, Gary. It’s not like you to be shy.”
Gary looked down at his flesh-toned muscle suit and blue Speedo adorned with art deco wings. “I don’t know. This outfit, it’s kinda making me want to not get too close to other people. It feels . . . rude somehow.”
Phillip nodded. “I can understand that.”
Gary laughed. “Oh well. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“No,” Phillip said. “Not really.”
Brit the Younger hugged Gwen, completely enveloping her in fabric, and hitting her in the forehead with her big flat hat. She shook Martin’s hand. “I can’t wait to take off this ridiculous outfit. The blue contacts I kinda like, though.”
Martin said, “They suit you.”
Phillip said, “Yes. Very becoming.”
Brit the Younger’s smile curdled. She curtly congratulated Martin, then walked away.
Martin said. “It’ll take time, Phillip.”
Brit the Elder said, “Yes, it will.”
Martin and Phillip both spun around to look behind them, where Brit the Elder stood in a black-and-gold dress, a bald cap, and a black headdress clamped to the sides and back of her head.
Brit the Elder said, “It will take quite a while, but in time Brit will forgive you, and even think of you as a friend.”
Phillip said, “A friend.”
“Yes.” Brit the Elder put a hand on Phillip’s shoulder. “I said she’d forgive, but she won’t forget, and she’ll never truly trust you again. And really, since you cheated, can you blame her?”
Phillip said, “But I never—”
Brit the Elder held up a hand and gave him a disappointed look. “Don’t, Phillip. Just don’t bother.”
Phillip and Martin watched as she walked away, shaking her head.
Gary finally overcame his shyness and shook Gwen’s hand. “Congratulations. I gotta say, I’m surprised you agreed to this.”
Gwen said, “Yeah, well, we’d talked a little bit about getting married someday. Then the whole thing with the Brits and Phillip showed us that a lot can happen we don’t expect, and that by putting off marriage, we were kind of giving fate more of an opportunity to screw it up for us.”
Gary said, “Yeah, I see what you mean, but I wasn’t talking about that. I always figured you two would get married. I’m surprised you agreed to the whole Dune thing. Most women seem to want a more traditional ceremony.”
“Oh, we’re going to have one of those, too. We’re going to take a quick trip to Alaska and use Brit the Elder’s trick to get Martin up to my time, lay some plausible groundwork for appearances’ sake, then have a big wedding for our families.”
“Oh.” Gary said. “I can see that. And it makes sense why none of us are invited to that one.”
Brit the Younger, Jeff, and Phillip looked at their shoes or the ceiling. Tyler said, “Yeah. None of us.”
Gwen changed the subject. “So, I guess now it’s time to go back to Martin’s place for the reception!”
Martin said, “Not yet. There’re a couple more things to do here before we go. I know entertainment and refreshments are usually done at the reception, but I know we’re all going to change back into normal clothes, and I wanted to do this while we’re in costume.”
Martin opened the wooden box he kept his smartphone in and jabbed at the phone a few times. All of the fake Fremen disappeared.
Martin smiled. “Gwen, get ready to cut the cake.”
A table appeared on the floor in front of the stage. On the table was a punchbowl full of clear fluid with a fake baby sandworm floating in it, and a large themed cake: a fondant and gum-paste sculpture of a sandworm cresting a sand dune, its three-flapped mouth open, displaying thousands of white-painted candy-corn teeth as it towered over tiny little modeling-chocolate men. Finally, floating in the air about ten feet above the floor, there appeared a piñata shaped like Baron Harkonnen.
* * *
In the upper gallery, Gilbert, Sid, and their two teenage assistants looked down as Gwen, blindfolded, swung Martin’s staff at the Harkonnen piñata. She hit it on the leg, sending it spinning and showering candy over all their friends. A cheer went up from the group, and they all scurried to gather as much off the floor as they could.
The dark-haired girl said, “What a bunch of dorks.”
Sid said, “Quite.”
The boy said, “I don’t know. They aren’t hurting anyone, but it’s all kind of self-indulgent, isn’t it?”
The girl said, “It is their wedding day.”
The boy said, “I understand that it’s their wedding. I just didn’t expect it to be a big, extravagant party like this that’s just meant to impress their friends.”
The girl laughed. “You didn’t expect that? Are you sure you understand what a wedding is?”
The boy scowled. “I just didn’t think they’d be so . . . I don’t know, frivolous.”
Gilbert patted the boy on the back. “Don’t judge ’em too harshly. They were young.”
The girl said, “I’m just surprised that they invited an enemy to their wedding.”
“Just because they might be enemies now doesn’t mean they always were, does it?” Sid said. “And anyway, we promised to show you how Martin and Gwen were when they were younger. We didn’t promise t
hat you’d like them, or that what you saw would make sense.”
Gilbert nodded. “You need to have a real understanding of who your parents are if you’re going to have a chance at saving them.”
OUT OF SPITE, OUT OF MIND
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Text copyright © 2018 Scott Meyer.
All rights reserved.
Created in the United States of America.
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
Published by Rocket Hat Industries
ISBN-13: 978-1-950056-01-9
ISBN-10: 1-950056-01-5
Cover design by Eric Constantino
ALSO BY SCOTT MEYER
Basic Instructions Collections:
Help Is on the Way
Made with 90% Recycled Art
The Curse of the Masking Tape Mummy
Dignified Hedonism
Magic 2.0:
Off to Be the Wizard
Spell or High Water
An Unwelcome Quest
Fight and Flight
Master of Formalities
The Authorities
Run Program
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
And now, the part of the book where I express gratitude to various people. This time around I want to thank Eddie Schneider and Joshua Bilmes for being great agents and for helping me make this book better than it would have been without their input. And I’d like to thank Steve Feldberg for being a terrific and supportive editor, and for also helping me make this book better than it would have been without his input.
I’d like to thank Matt Sugarman, for helping me in ways that go beyond his professional responsibilities, and at times when he had little to gain beyond feeling good for assisting a clueless writer.
I’m also grateful to Luke Daniels, because he makes my books sound great; Eric Constantino, because he makes the covers look great; and Scott [last name redacted]. I redacted his last name because he copy-edited the book, and while he did a tremendous job, my kung fu is so strong that a few typos and errant commas almost certainly slipped past. I don’t want him to take the blame for not catching a few of my far-too-numerous mistakes. He is only human, whereas I am an unstoppable typo machine.
I’d like to thank my two primary test readers: Rodney Sherwood, the world’s most positive man; and Missy, my wife, who improves not just my work, but every other aspect of my life.
Finally, I’d like to thank the people who read my work. It’s your attention and support that have made the continuation of this series possible. I hope you understand just how grateful I am.
Oh, and don’t worry. Phillip will be fine.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
After an unsuccessful career as a radio DJ, and a so-so career as a stand-up comic, Scott Meyer found himself middle-aged, working as a ride operator at Walt Disney World. In his spare time, he produced the successful web comic Basic Instructions. He slowly built a following, which allowed him to self-publish his first novel, Off to Be the Wizard. The book’s success brought him a publishing deal.
Scott currently lives in Arizona with his wife, their cats, and his most important possession: a functioning air conditioner.
