There is a moment of awkward silence before Detective Crowe sighs.
"I'm just going to come out and say it. Your PI gave us the lead that helped us find Mr. Hoyt so, thanks."
He didn't exactly sound grateful, but it was something. I nod again, a hundred things going through my head. No one told me he was located, when did Arthur get involved in this search? If they located him did they arrest him?
"Jessica?" I hear Haley say and I glance down at her, and I realize my hand is clench together in a fist against her back.
I smile at her and unclench my fist.
"Follow me." Detective Crowe says, and we follow him to a small room with a table and a few chairs. Korsak walks in after we sit down with a middle aged woman.
"This is Sarah. She's one of the attorneys who's helping with the case."
"I'm Jessica Roven." I shake the woman's hand and she sits down. She sets a folder on the table.
"Ms. Roven." She starts. "You started seeing Mr. Hoyt when you were twelve?"
"Yes."
"When did the abuse start?" She asks.
"Not long after I started seeing him."
"Can you tell me what he did to you?"
At the thought of repeating everything he did my heart knocks inside my chest like a damn jackhammer, I glance around in a panic, searching for something, but there's nothing. I can't do this. I can't do this. Fuck!
I clench my hands into fist. I don't move or breathe. I can't even think straight as my thoughts become jumbled. This isn't a good idea at all.
"I don't know if I can do this." I say honestly.
"Jessica, it'll be okay." Sarah reassures me. "We can do this slowly."
Haley takes my hand and forces it to unclench and holds my hand in hers, her skin is warm and comforting. I take my gaze off the desk and stare into Haley's eyes that are filled with worry.
"Your okay, I promise." Haley says.
I nod and suck air through my nose and let it out between my lips, and launch into everything.
I tell them how I didn't understand what he was doing at the time, but that it felt wrong, and I didn't like it. I tell them how Hoyt made it sound normal and something that happened to everyone, and how it was all just a game to him. I explain that when I told Hoyt that I didn't like it, he shouted at me for questioning him and cut me with his knife. I tell them how Hoyt sodomized me and told me if I told anyone what was going on he'd make sure I was taken from my mother. As I got a little older, he said no one would believe me.
I don't dare look up at anyone as I repeat everything that I had to endure. I've never told anyone everything that happened.
I breathe out deeply. Going through it all again feels like I'm being cut open, but I also feel lighter. Its such a relief when I finish speaking that I almost brake down. And I realized something when I was saying all that aloud for the first time, none of the blame is on me, none of it is my fault.
When they let us leave I look at Haley and smile at her. I try to tell her I'm alright without words. We go back to my mothers because I have yet to get all of Haley's stuff to her house, but plan to do just that this coming weekend. I tell Haley I'm going to lay down for a bit, I really just need time to myself.
I climb the stairs to my old bedroom and go straight to my bed and pull the covers over me, needing to hide from everything for a while. I roll into a ball. Dragging up those memories made me feel dirty all over again. I hate it. Why couldn't I just have had a normal childhood.
"Jessica?" Haley's voice makes me curl into a tighter ball and tense. The bed dips, and the covers shift.
Instead of telling her to go away I roll over and snuggle into her, clinging to her body as if it were my lifeline. She wraps herself around me, protecting me. I let the quiet thumping of her heart sing me to sleep.
When I wake up a couple of hours later Haley is still laying next to me. She's awake and I wonder if she's been awake this whole time, and then I realize I didn't dream about Hoyt. It's the first time in years that I've shut my eyes and not dreamed about him.
She takes my hand in hers and runs her thumb along the side of my hand.
"Are you okay?" She asks.
I nod, and close the distance between us and kiss her. My kiss is gentle at first but becomes more insistent, as she relaxes into me and I allow her tongue to explore my mouth. Her hands are roaming over my body, It feels so right to have her hands on me.
"I want you Haley." I whisper, my lips brushing along her jawline as her hand slides over the curve of my side.
"You have me Jessica." She says confused.
I pull her against me, so she can feel my need for her, and she realizes what I mean.
She pulls back, her breathing's thick and heavy, as I meet her desire filled eyes, and the air between us grows very serious.
"Really?" She asks.
I move her hand to my chest to the buttons on my shirt.
"Unbutton my shirt."
She hesitates for a moment, and then
moves her other hand to my shirt front, and her fingers start moving slowly slipping the buttons through the tiny holes one by one. I don't have the nerve to look at her, though I can feel her eyes on me. She pushes my shirtfront open. There's a white undershirt in the way.
I lay on my back as I reach for my belt unfastening it I sit up, and tug my shirt free. I toss it in the floor and swallow hard.
She sits up with me and slides her hands up over my skin and lifts the undershirt over my head. Im breathing hard, watching her, as her hands trail over my stomach. I suck in a gasp of air when she slides her hands over my breast. Tension runs through my body. Its fear, and she pulls away. She watches me for a moment. Her eyes are studying my face, She lets out a nervous sigh as she runs her hands through my hair.
"We don't have to do this Jessica." She says.
I smile at her as my hands find her waist pulling her even closer to me.
She leans into me and slips her palms over me and unhook my bra pulling the straps down my arms, but she doesn't touch me there. Her hands slid down my back and then to the front of my slacks. I move to stand up and she follows me, and unbuttons my slacks and slips them down and sets them aside, then does the same for my socks, after stripping each foot she holds on to me tightly before backing away and lowering her gaze to my boxers. Going down on her knees, she kneels in front of me and slips her fingers in my waistband. She remove the garment and she gasps.
I look into her eyes, hers are locked on mine.
"Lock the door." I whisper.
Heat rises to her cheeks, and I can't help but laugh, feeling like maybe we're doing something wrong. She gets up smiling at me, and goes over to turn the lock.
I sit back down on the bed when she turns back to me, and we stare at each other for several seconds.
"Take off your clothes." My voice is husky as I speak.
I watch her with darkening eyes, as she takes off her shirt off letting it fall fall to the floor, and then her bra exposing her breasts. I can hear her breathing change as she takes off her pants taking her panties with it and stands before me, naked, exposed.
I hold out my hand beckoning for her to come closer.
She move to me, and takes my hand, my eyes slowly travelling over every inch of my body.
I run my fingertips lightly over her skin. Her breathing deepens as I lean in and press a gentle kiss to the space between her breasts. It makes her body quiver. My hands travel down her sides, and then back to her thighs, I press my forehead against her chest and let out a ragged breath. She slides her fingers into my thick hair.
"Are you all right?" She whispers.
I shake my head, and wrap my arms tightly around her waist, hugging her to me.
"I don't want to mess this up by being to rough, or too quick, or slow, or…"
She pulls me back and stares down at me as she runs her finger through my hair and leans down to press her lips to mine.
"Just be with me how you want to." She whis
pers.
I run my hands up and down her naked back.
"Lay down." I instruct. "I want to look at you. I want to touch you."
She reclines on the bed in front of me, and i reach up to run my hands over her skin, starting from her collarbone and running my fingers down, in between her breasts and over her stomach. It takes a glorious long time.
I watch her as I trace my fingers along her thighs toward her core. I slip a finger in between her folds, and she gasps when i push into her.
Adding another i move them in and out of her, sliding them over her clit and back inside her again. Small whimpers keep escaping her lips and I know she's trying to hold out, but only manages a few more seconds
before she explodes around my hand, bucking her hips as she instinctively closes her legs, squeezing herself around me and riding my hand with the waves of her orgasm. My fingers moves slowly within her as I bring her back down.
I smile at her and press my lips to hers. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me tight against her kissing me harder. I wince slightly when she comes in contact with my member.
"I'm sorry." She gasps, pulling back.
"Don't be." I smile, kissing her once again.
When I cant take any more i wrap my hand around myself, leading me to her entrance, I press in, and gasp as I feel her expand.
I close my eyes and moan her name when I'm fully inside her for the first time. I've been so controlled until this moment.
Her hips rise to meet my thrust, and the sensation is amazing.
"Haley...this...you...fuck."
She lets out small whimpers of pleasure as I move. And I breathe out carefully, and close my eyes for a moment, trying to control myself.
"What's wrong?" She pants out, worried. She runs her hands up and down my back, and I can't answer her.
With each movement, delicious heat builds inside of me. I let out my breath, trying desperately not to make any sound. From the look on her face, I don't think she can take much more. I pull out slowly then push back in even slower. My hands push on her hips, tilting them, which makes the movements feel divine and her muscles began to contract as her orgasm rolls through her, and that's all it takes to push me over the edge.
When I still I lay my head on her chest breathing heavily, I'm afraid to look at her and I don't understand why.
When I withdraw from inside her I lay on my side and she moves in beside me and curls up against me, she buries her face in my shoulder, and I squeeze my arms around her.
I listen to her breathing for a long time, until she leans back from me, I smile at her weakly, my lips trembling as fear grips at my heart.
"Are you okay?" She asks.
"I am. Are you? Your not going to run are you?"
"Of course not Jessica, why would I? I want to be here with you."
I nod, I don't know what else to say or do, so I just run my hands through her hair until she falls asleep. When she is fully asleep i untangle myself from her and find some clothes to go running in. After getting dressed I quietly slip out of the bedroom.
I'm not running from what just transpired, or from the things Hoyt did. I'm running from my father, the things he used to say about me. He told me no one would ever love me, and I believe him. His words scream from behind me like a ghost as I run.
I love her just thinking those words terrify me, because what if she doesn't love me back. She's the one person who I completely and wholly love in a way I can barely understand, honestly I thought I could never love anyone the way I love her. But Haley showed me how to open my heart at least, when it comes to loving her. She makes it so easy, and if I lose her I lose everything. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My ray of sunshine through the rain, the clouds, the storm that's hovered over my head. She can make me smile when I'm down, laugh when I'm unhappy.
My feet pound against the dirt as my lungs tighten in my chest, my entire body dripping with sweat. My pulse is pounding, my limbs aching, begging me to stop. That it's enough. But nothing ever feels like enough.
I can't outrun my father.
His voice.
His words.
I can't outrun them, escape them, hide from them.
I want to be free from it. Free from my father. My past. The years of abuse suffered at the hands of Hoyt. The things my father used to say about me. What I want is my resolution. But to get it, I need to let go and I can't let go when everything is so unknown.
Chapter 21
Jessica's point of view.
Later that evening I'm sitting at the table playing cards with my brothers, which blows my freaking mind because it's so normal.
Frankie assesses his cards as he takes a gulp of his beer, and then he sets two cards face down on the table and gives himself two more from the deck.
Tommy chuckles under his breath as he rearranges the cards in his hand. I examine my cards. I don't have a very good hand, but we're not playing for money, just fun. I know why, too. When we were younger, our father would make us play for money. If he won, he'd take all his winnings and if he lost, he'd yell at us because in his words, "we were cheating bastards." So really, we'd always lose.
Haley sticks her head into the kitchen long enough to tell me she's getting in the shower and I stare at where she was longer than I should. We haven't spoken about what happened earlier, I don't even know if we should. It's perfectly normal for couples to have sex and not even mention it hours later isn't it?
"So, you think we are ever going to do this?" Tommy asks after we sit in silence through a couple of hands.
"Do what?" I ask.
He picks up two more cards from the deck. "Talk about dad..." He leans forward, then turns to face me.
"There's really not much to say don't you think?"
"I know it's hard Jessica, and when Tommy told me I didn't have a freaking clue what to do, I felt lost you know? It took me forever to make the decision to go see him, now that I have I feel better." Frankie says.
"I kinda understand why you did though." I say, staring at the cards in his hand. I blow out a breath. "It all comes back to him. I don't want to have anything to do with him and every time something is connected to him...I swear to God, I can sometimes hear his voice in my head.…" I stop talking, unsure why I decided to say that aloud I haven't even told Haley about that.
Frankie's shoulders slump, probably from the weight of the memories of our father. "Jessica, I know it's hard, but you need to let this thing with Dad go. Let the past go. And I think once you do, you'll stop hearing all that fucked up shit he said about you all the time.
"He's in bad shape." Tommy says taking a sip of his beer.
I'm fairly sure we play an entire hand before I'm able to get ahold of my voice and my emotions enough to respond.
"How bad?"
Resolution. This is what you want right? You are a terrible person.
"Really, really bad." Tommy says, releasing an exhausted breath.
It's strange, but it seems like we should be crying or something, yet our eyes are dry. My heart feels the same way, too, and those thoughts of how I've got to be a bad person come rushing back to me because this can't be normal to feel nothing toward the person who raised me. Or who helped for a few years.
"I think he's going to die." Frankie says quietly.
And again, absolutely nothing. Is this my resolution?
"I have to go." I say, getting up from my chair.
My pulse is pounding, my skin damp with sweat, I feel like I can't get enough air into my lungs. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. I wanted resolution, but not like this.
Or did I? Am I that kind of person? To wish pain upon someone else? Am I like Hoyt?
The last thought is fucking horrifying. I feel like I'm about to fall again, tumble into the dark.
I find Haley in the bathroom combing her wet hair, I watch her for several moment, and I can breathe again. She keeps me living and breathing. When her eyes catch mine st
aring at her in the mirror I avert my eyes, and walk up behind her and place my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes settle on me again.
"What's wrong?" She asks, searching my eyes.
"Nothing."
"Liar." She laughs, but drops the subject.
I kiss her softly on the neck, and wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder, and close my eyes. I don't deserve her. Fate was drunk off its ass when it let me have her and I hope it doesn't realize it fucked up. Pulling away she turns to face me. She cradles my face in her hands.
"Tell me, please. You can talk to me. I'm not going anywhere." She pleads with me.
What am I so afraid of? She is the closest Ive ever been to a woman, besides my mother. And I love her and hate her all at once because I know she is the one person who has the potential to destroy me. As long as I don't destroy myself first.
Searching her eyes I confide in her.
"Frankie and Tommy want me to go see my father, but I don't know if I can." I say.
"You've suffered enough. And if you don't want to go then you deserve not to go. You have me, and your mother, we will back your decision. You're never, ever alone."
I force down the massive lump welling in my throat. "I know that, but I feel guilty that you guys have to put up with my shit."
"Well, you don't need to feel guilty about anything." Her voice shakes with anger, startling me. "You don't owe your father anything, only yourself, so you do what want to do and not what anyone else wants you to do."
"I know, but …" I can't meet her gaze, I look anywhere but at her.
"But what?" She urges me to tell her, to look at her, not to shut down like I have in the past. And I want to give her that. I really do.
"But the screwed up thing is, after all the shit we went through, I still want to make him proud of me, I want him to love me."
She places her hand on my face and forces me to look at her.
"But I know he hates me." I say, my voice trembling. " And I feel relieved he's dying, like he deserves it somehow, that's something Hoyt would do, feel relief by hurting people."
"That's different, Jessica. Way, way different."
A part of me gets why she's telling me this, but the other part of me the one that fears turning out like Hoyt just can't get over how full of hate my reaction is.
The Billionaire Lesbian Page 11
