“Hexa, Xiveri. I am here.”
Her eyes are closed and she is thrashing. The temperature of her skin is raised already from the effects of the poison, which are much farther along and seemingly destructive to her than they are to me. Delirious, she says a name, and then repeats it. “Mom…mom…”
“Kiki?” Beads of sweat are already formed on her smooth, rounded cheeks. The color has darkened around her eyes, yet the rest of her is so pale it is as if the Mudan who guides the way to the Ocean After has come to collect her himself.
Emotion chokes me. I am Okkari yet I could not stop this. Just as I could not stop the Drakesh invasion then either. Weak. I am weak. I bellow a roar to no one but the dead warrior in my ice glider and the dying Xhea beneath me.
She blinks and her eyes are bloodshot, half-moons lowering. “Okkari?”
“Hexa, Kiki. You are alright. You will survive the effects of the acid. I will restore you in merillian…”
“I don’t hate you.” Startled, I have no answer for her. She blinks up at me. “I hate me.”
I plunge my fingers into her hair and shake her, furious but only because I fear so deeply. Low, I growl, “Kiki…you are feverish. Calm yourself. Save your breaths…”
“And him.”
Stalled, I freeze again. “Who?”
She licks her lips and nods. “Mhm. Bo’Raku. I hate him too. I hate him the most.”
She quiets, leaving me alone to stew and to fear and to seethe. Bo’Raku. What could she have with that putrid conspiring welp? The one who tries to sell human females to the vicious warlord of Kor and his pirate Niahhorru. I don’t understand and I try to coax more intelligible words from her — to keep her lucid, hexa, but also because I. need. answers. — but she is unresponsive after more than a few mumbled words that speak of the living and the dead.
My home comes into sight and as I gather the Xhea to my chest, I call up my life drive. Orders are issued to my tribe with how to treat the injured, the fallen and the hevarr. And another two requests are sent. These go to Rakukanna and to Svera, the human advisor and female who conspired with the Rakukanna and Kiki. They will meet with me on this solar because I have never needed answers so desperately. I need to know everything about my Xhea. Why would she run? For whom does she grieve? Why does she speak Bo’Raku’s name? Why does she fear me? Why is she sick with a hate that poisons her?
I shake my head. My hair hangs forward as I stare down at my Xhea’s face, so tortured even in sleep. My soul shivers and shakes. Answers. I will have them despite my exhaustion. If it takes me through the lunar. If it takes me the rest of my life.
11
Kiki
Warm. I’m swimming again. I’m swimming so slowly. Don’t they know I don’t know how? I smile to myself and my cheeks pinch. I haven’t smiled in a while.
My toes zing. Pins and needles. Pins and needles. Svera sewing a dress — one for me this time. That year, me and Miari got matching ones for Christmas from Svera and her family. Miari made hers into some gadget but I wore mine and everyone told me I looked beautiful in it. It felt good to feel beautiful.
It feels good. Syrup coating my limbs. Slow wakefulness. I’m comfortable. So comfortable. Wrapped in the arms of a male. His skin shimmers in the low light from the strange decorations zigzagging across black walls. Coccooned in a nest made from the skin of an animal he hunted, his breath warms my neck as he breathes, Xivoora Xiveri. It doesn’t matter what the words are. I know them already. From another time, from another galaxy, one much gentler than this…
I take a breath and air punches into my lungs like I’ve been beat. I gasp and try to find my arms, but they’re lost. I’m touching…ah stars, it’s more of the goop. The goop is real? It clings to my body like stains do, like scars. Goo. Purple weird goo that tingles every place it touches, and it touches me everywhere. My skin, my eyes, thickening my hair, making my head feel even more weighted. I can feel it even on the inside of my body, making my privates feel like they’ve just been rubbed in peppermint.
Get the fuck away from me, I think, but I open my mouth and I choke. Fight fight fight. I cough and focus on getting my feet beneath me. From there, I can find a weapon. With a weapon, I can kill just about anything. Maybe not the goo, but anything else.
But I just fall back into more goo. My head goes under, and when my face breaks the surface of the liquid, I gasp in air that tastes like sour licorice. Can I breathe? Am I breathing? Fight fight! Just calm down…I need to calm down…Fight! Now stand. Stand! Open your eyes. No. I’m scared. I’m not scared of anything. I’m scared of everything.
“Shh. You’re safe. You’re safe…” Soft fingers touch my hairline and my eyelids flutter.
“Svera?”
But my fuzzy vision reveals a face that isn’t light brown like Svera’s is, but green. As green as the sacred trees that grew outside of the human colony in the uninhabited place. That grow there still. How would I know? I’m not there anymore. And then it comes back to me. The Mountain Run. Defeating him. Being defeated. The need. The pain. The monster on the ice. Aliens dying in my name…
“Fuck. What is this? Where am I?” It’s so dark in this room. There’s a few of those weird lights swirling across the ceiling and the smell of minerals. I’ve been here before.
“You are in the bathing chamber, in a merillian bath where you have slept the past several solars. Your wounds were not extensive, so you healed quickly. Apologies, but it is deep in the lunar now and the ioni are at their darkest. I have been informed that it is difficult for humans to see in dim lighting.” A bright lamp is illuminated against the far wall, this one looking very much like an oil lamp we used once on the colony before the oil ran out and Merdock started charging too many rations for more. “Here, is this better?”
Kuana’s face comes to life before me. Wide, black eyes, bright white hair, soft lips, so unsure as she watches me, fearing me.
The purple that coats my arms looks like jello. Big, fat globs of it. Only it feels the teeniest bit like…it’s moving. “Merillian?” I remember this word. He said it before, up on the ice, when he was delivering me the most intense pleasure I’d ever felt…
“Hexa. The microbes contain healing properties. They are responsible for saving your life when you were brought from your human moon to Voraxia. The healer has informed me that you were then in the merillian for thirty four solars. Your wounds were extensive. The Okkari says it is because you fought khrui in order to save the Rakukanna’s life — and that you succeeded in killing two. Please excuse my impertinence but I would like the honor of asking if this is correct.”
“I…” I’m still dizzy, but sitting up, I manage to recline against the edge of something hard. As my head spins momentarily, I blink and focus only on small green face. Kuana… I lick my lips, feeling…comfortable…whole. Fixed. “I did.”
Tsssak. Tsak. Tsak… Enormous grey beasts advance on Miari and me. They’re all claws and all I’ve got is my grabar, an amp that Miari made with only one pulse, and a willingness to die.
“Wow,” she breathes, lips curling up but it looks like she’s trying to fight it. “That is so impressive.”
“The Rakukanna,” I exhale.
Her ridges flash grey. Her mouth turns down. “Why do you seem so sad? The Rakukanna is well. She is in Illyria where she rules Voraxia alongside Raku and nurtures their growing kit. It will be the first Voraxian-human offspring born since your earliest Hunt with the Dra’Kesh. Our entire federation is extremely excited to hear more news of the kit.”
A deep grief fills me. “I failed her.”
Kuana, as irritatingly upbeat as Svera always was, shakes her head. “Nox. You have not. But I have been informed by the Rakukanna’s closest advisor, Svera, that you are unaware of such developments and am honored to open communication to her for you. Would you like to speak to her now?”
Shock. It must be shock. Because I have nothing to say but, “Now?”
“Hexa. Now. You may al
so wait for a moment of your choosing.”
“No…no. Now is good.”
Kuana grins and passes one hand over her left forearm and a whole host of holographic numbers and symbols appear, seeming to hover in front of her face. “Communication line E6FV8.” A pause. Silence. Then the holographic numbers disappear and in their wake Svera’s two dimensional form appears in stark clarity, as if she’s here, watching me through a clear window pane.
“Kiki! Oh my stars, oy Gewalt, Alhamdullah you’re okay. Are you okay? I’ve been speaking to the Okkari for the past two solars and he told me everything. You were brought to Illyria after you were injured. He wasn’t supposed to take you out of Illyria until you woke up and had a chance to speak to Miari and me but he did and now we’re stuck and we can’t get to you — apparently the first frost of Nobu is too harsh even for our transporters. We’ll have to wait for it to pass before we can come and see you or before you can leave and come see us, or go back to the colony if that’s what you really want.
“I’m so sorry, Kiki. This is all messed up. He told us that he forced you to do another Mountain Run and that he…that you two…” She huffs and looks torn, tortured on my behalf. “He thinks you're his forever mate — that you have something called Xanaxana and that it would cause you to respond to him…physically.” She struggles with the term — Svera, who worships the Tri-God and knows nothing about desire or sex or a man’s body — and her voice breaks. “He doesn’t know that humans don’t feel the Xanaxana like they do. He thought you would.”
I do.
“And I’m sorry Kiki, but I had to make him understand. I told him what happened to you before. What Bo’Raku did to you during your first Hunt. Va’Raku — the Okkari — he feels deep remorse. He did not know, and the cultural differences…I’m saying a lot but I know it’s no real consolation.”
A soft clearing of a throat. Kuana stands and with a few flicks of her fingers she moves away from the edge of the basin, but the image of Svera remains. “I will leave you now. Please do call me when you have finished. I will help you prepare a bath.”
I nod at her, struggling with words, with what I’d even say. Thank you? She’s an alien. Fuck you? She’s as kind as Svera is. And she’s an alien.
I sit up little by little and grip the edges of the tub. “Oh Kiki, please say something. I know you probably hate me right now, but write something if you don’t want to talk to me. Gesture. Just, please tell me.” She clasps a hand over her mouth and I see tears fill her eyes. They fill mine too.
I open my mouth. Eternities pass. Lifetimes unravel. Lie. Tell her that I hate her. Tell her I hate him. Tell her that they’ve all abandoned and betrayed me. Tell them that I want to kill still. That I’m glad the alien who sacrificed himself for me died. Tell her that I feel nothing. That I feel nothing!
“I feel…” Nothing. Nothing is what I feel. “I do feel it.”
My voice breaks. The hateful demon writhing within me dies. The river in my body dries. I desiccate, squeezed dry. I’m shaking all over. I open my mouth and a horrible mewl comes out. And then a half sob.
I close my eyes and I tell her the horrible, terrible truth. “I felt it from the first moment I fought him. I feel everything. I feel everything but hate. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate Miari.” I don’t even hate him, the one who calls himself mine even though I know nothing about him. Nothing but the oasis he takes me to, that impossible cane-and-root breeze.
12
Kiki
I’m out of the purple goop. I’m out of the bath. I’m in a small dark room where a pallet lies. I’m shaky. It might just be the product of a good meal and a good night’s sleep. Or it might be the memories of the conversations I had with Svera and Miari. Knowing that they’re both somehow happy here off-colony with the males that they’ve been assigned to. That Miari is even in a union with one of them. That she’s a queen. That she’s pregnant. I shudder. What if that happens to me?
With a firm set of my jaw, I get up from the small table where Kuana brings me things to eat. She’s been waiting on me in a way I find uncomfortable. We’re both uncomfortable. Me, because I don’t know what to do with her — I’ve never had much and what I have had, I’ve had to fight for. I’m not used to someone helping me do things…not for free…
Her, because she doesn’t know what to do with me. I’ve behaved erratically since arriving here — at best. And when I tried to run, she apparently got locked up by Kuaku. And I didn’t even ask what happened to her. So focused on me, at the expense of everyone else around me. I wince.
I have a headache I can’t seem to get rid of. A fear that pulses through my body, sending pins and needles up my legs through my toenails. An itch to fight something to slake my aggression. An urge to say sorry to every being I come across, even if they are alien. Maybe then especially.
I sigh, exhausted by my own thoughts. Gathering up my stone dishes, I take a steadying breath and approach the door. It opens on a sensor of some kind and as quietly as I can, I wade out into the hall. As soon as I reach the white part of the hall, the temperature drops and I regret not having worn the slippers Kuana laid out for me. My dad always called me petulant. So did my mom. By the end of their being together, it was the only thing they ever agreed on.
I enter the big white-and-glass room that overlooks the village and am so distracted by the sight of the storm raging on its other side, rendering the whole world white and lifeless, that I don’t immediately notice Kuana. I start when she rises from a pile of white pillows near the black basin set into the floor and bows slightly.
Grunting, I turn from her and cross the room, heading for the door. I’m not surprised when Kuana intercepts me. Instead of letting me pass, she tries to wrangle the empty plates from my hands, but after an awkward dance that I gather is frustrating for both of us, she lets me pass.
“Just show me how to do it,” I snap at her, wishing I knew how to gentle my tone. It’s not her fault. I know that, and yet it changes nothing. Even without the hate, I’m still this horrible beast.
Her ridges trickle with color that I can only assume means she’s terrified or she thinks I’m crazy. We’ve done this dance before, and just like those other times, she finally nods and leads me through the doorway to the next white room which has a sunken pit in one part of the floor and inside of that, a raised dais.
She takes me down into the pit, then past the dais to a patch of black against the all white wall. It juts out at about hip level and there’s a trough to one side of it. Kuana removes the stopper at the base of the trough and surprisingly warm water gushes out.
“You can use these crystals for washing,” Kuana says softly, taking some round colorful balls from the ledge that juts out at eye level and rolling them in her hands until they form a rich lather. My eyes are wide — I can feel them on my face. I can also feel when my lips quirk at the sight of her taking a black scrubber and holding it out between us. Looks just like the wool ones we use back home.
I reach for it, but she hesitates. “It is an honor to serve you,” she says and it’s about the fifth time she’s said it the past two solars.
“Yes,” I say stiffly, “I know that.” I can feel my cheeks warm. I don’t know what else to say. “I just…I’m more comfortable doing things for myself.”
Her face turns down. “I understand, my Xhea.”
“And tomorrow I want you to teach me how to use these other things.” I point to the dais with its strange marbly surface and then the whole host of white paneling that stretches across the wall at my back. There are silver boxes interspersed inbetween that I’ve already fumbled my way across several times — I’m still unable to figure out how to open anything.
Her face falls even further, grey and cerulean trailing across her brow bone. “Of course.”
I feel guilt and self-hate renew and the worst part about it is that I know exactly what I’d do and say to stop it, but at every turn, I choose not to.
I wind my wa
y back through the house feeling like a shell of a person. At least, until I reach the door. My palms start to sweat and a drum beats in my lower half. I don’t give into the temptation to seek him out though. How can I, after what I’ve done? What does he even think? What could I even say? I’m sorry I ran and they all died? Fuck me. I wish he would just fuck me. And fight. I just want to fuck and fight until I’m numb.
I speed up as I pass it only to be shocked and horrified when I hear the door glide open at my back. Faster. Move. Get away. My feet slow. Cold causes the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. I turn and my stomach flies up into my throat. This male isn’t one I know. He’s blue — not red — but he still isn’t the Okkari. I canter back, hitting the white wall behind me and wishing that I had a weapon.
“My Xhea, it is good to see you well.”
I freeze and my head whips around as I look up at him, inspecting his face for the first time. An ounce of steel eases from my bones. “You…you were there. Out on the cold white.”
His mouth quirks making me wonder what I’ve done wrong this time. “Hexa. I am Ka’Okkari, warrior and hunter of the Okkari and this tribe.”
I feel nervous. Nervous and terrified. He saved my life but he’s an alien. I can’t attack him, as is my first instinct, and since he’s one of the aliens who saved my life, I can assume he won’t take it. Not after all that was lost trying to keep me alive.
Grief surges inside of me, mingling with the regret and fear and shame to create a potent combination. “I…dont…” He blinks at me and I know I’ve slighted him even though his reaction betrays nothing at all. He just smiles and the expression makes tears of frustration sting the backs of my eyes. “I’m just going back to my room.”
“I know, Xhea,” he says and his smile stretches even fuller. “And I was hoping to catch you. The Okkari has informed me that you desire to visit the homes of Va’El and Re’Okkari. He told me you wish to honor their sacrifices. Once you are properly outfitted, I am able to be your guide.”
Taken to Nobu: A SciFi Alien Romance (Xiveri Mates Book II) Page 11
