by L. B. Reyes
A kiss full of uncertainty.
I broke it off, remaining with my eyes closed.
“You were right about one thing, though,” I whispered, swallowing.
“What is it?”
I gave him a sad smile, running my fingers through his hair one last time.
“It is time for us to take a little break.”
CHAPTER 42
Evelyn
Nathan winced as if the words had physically hurt him. As if the words had made contact with his heart and made it bleed. He lowered his hand away from my face and took a step back, creating distance between us. It hurt, but I stayed where I was, realizing that it was for the best. If I was close to him, I'd want him to hold me like he always did. I couldn't risk it. I had to stay strong.
I nibbled on my lip, wrapping my arms over myself as if it would ease the pain that I also felt.
“Frankly, I think that taking a break—it's the stupidest thing I've done,” Nathan said, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, I've fucked up a lot but not being with you is the dumbest choice I've made.”
“I don't know who I am anymore,” I said, trying to keep it together. “I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I'm lost, Nathan. I need to figure out who I am and I need to do it on my own.”
Nathan sighed, running his hand over his face. Through the pain in his expression, I also saw understanding.
Pride.
“I get it, Evie. I just wish I could be with you through all of it,” he said quietly.
I took a seat at the edge of the bed, placing my hands on my lap, my gaze set on the floor. Why is it so damn hard to leave the past behind?
Nathan knelt in front of me, tilting my chin up. “I understand, Evelyn. You've been hurt in a way you never were before, you're trying to get through it. It's okay to look out for yourself first.”
“Yeah,” I breathed, unable to find other words to express what I felt. “I feel guilty though. For doing this to you, like I'm being selfish.”
Nathan shook his head, a crooked smile on his face. “Selfish? You've got to be joking. You are perhaps the most selfless person I've met,” he murmured. “I think it's actually time for you to be a little selfish, to look out for yourself.”
“But I'm hurting you.”
His gaze softened. “I don't think hurt begins to describe what this feels like, but I love you more for it. It fills me with pride to know that you are wise enough to realize that you're not yourself, that you need time for you. And again, it proves how selfless you are. If you were different you'd want me to be with you despite it.”
“If this is what I want, why doesn't it hurt less?” I asked him.
Because you don't really want to leave him.
You love him.
“You know I'll always be here for you, right? And I'm incredibly proud of the woman you've become.”
“I'm not,” I said, wiping away a tear. “I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself…like I don't even know what my purpose in life is.”
“The past few months have been difficult,” Nathan agreed. “It's okay. You’re allowed to feel however it is you feel. There's no one that can blame you for that, and I sure as hell don't.”
I thanked him and gave him the most honest smile I could. Pressing my lips to his, I wrapped my arms around him, savoring it. “You're my first love,” I murmured, “The only one I'll ever love.”
He smiled, swallowing. “I'll always love you, Evie.”
Nathan sighed, taking my hands in his, staring at them as if it was the last time held them. I didn't judge him, maybe it was.
“Do you know what you're going to do?” he finally asked, meeting my gaze once again.
“Yeah. I do actually.”
“Okay,” he said, with a smile. “I'm with you, every step of the way.”
***
I walked into Tessa's bar later that evening after the long conversation I had with Nathan. I was both heartbroken yet in the midst of that I had a sense of hope. I knew I would find a way to move on, be relatively happy.
“You look much better than you did yesterday,” Tessa said with a smile, hugging me.
I hugged her back. I needed it.
“Is Carter here already?” I asked, searching the bar. Sure enough, Carter was seated in the back of the establishment, conversing with Poison.
“Good friends, those two,” Tessa smiled. “Go take a seat, I'll bring you a drink. What do you want?”
“Just a lemonade. No more getting drunk for me,” I said with a small smile.
She nodded, squeezing my shoulder before I walked off. The bikers waved at me, some of them greeting me with a 'special' handshake they had designated, others with a simple nod my way. Either way, I felt welcome…at home.
“Thank fuck,” Poison said, standing up and embracing me. “You ever pull that shit again I swear I'll find you and disappear you myself,” she scolded. “You don't get to do that, not when there are so many people that worry about you. Old man Carter was worried sick and the group was out searching for you. Plus, drunk does not look good on you.”
I giggled, tears flooding my eyes. “Well, I think you may have to disappear me now because I'm leaving.”
Both Carter and Poison looked at me with a confused expression. “What are you talking about?” Poison asked, her forehead creasing with worry.
“I'm leaving,” I said. “I just have a couple of things to deal with before I do, but I'm here to say goodbye.”
“Oh, honey,” she said, shaking her head.
“It's time for me to start over,” I explained with a sigh. “I'm going miss you, though. All of you. You've all been very nice to me.”
“What a shame,” Poison said with sincerity. “I was just telling the boys that we needed to give you your own jacket, maybe even a bike.”
“I'd kill myself in one of those,” I laughed. “But thank you,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “Thank you very much for everything.”
She went on with the group of bikers and approached Tessa, all of them talking over by the bar while I sat with Carter.
“So you're sure about this?” Carter asked. He'd tried to talk me out of it but my mind was set. I needed to figure out what to do with myself, figure out what the hell I wanted.
“Yeah. Are you still wanting to go to New York?”
“Sure am,” he smiled. “But I can't help but think that you're making a mistake.”
I looked down, biting my lip nervously. “Am I?”
“What you and Nathan have, it doesn't come around often. Trust me. I know.”
I sighed, resting my face in my hands. “I don't know what to do, Carter. Nana always knew what to say and now she isn't here…I keep thinking this is right and then I think that leaving Nate is a bad idea, that I'll never forgive myself for doing that.”
Carter exhaled. It was as if he was gathering all the wisdom he'd gain over the years. He tapped his fingers on the table before clearing his throat and speaking up.
“The way I see it, you have two choices. You leave to New York with me, forever question what would have happened between you and Nathan. Or you could leave with me and Nathan, the man that you love and loves you back and get your answers. If it doesn't work out, at least you know you tried, you won't live wondering what would have happened had you just let him be with you.”
“But I'm not the same girl he met, Carter. I don't know who I am. And it's not like love can magically fix me, like it'll automatically answer all my questions.”
Carter nodded in agreement. “It sure won't. But let me tell you this: it'll make it more bearable.”
“I don't know what to do,” I groaned.
“Well, you're going to have to figure it out,” Carter said.
I furrowed my eyebrows. “Why?”
“He's here,” he said, nodding towards the door.
Nathan wasn't alone. He was accompanied by David and his wife, and Jenna, even Professor Lanthorn and his wife.
My breath caught in my throat at the sight in front of me. They all held a gift.
They came over to the table where Carter and I sat, all of them with sad smiles on their faces. I stood up, hugging David first. He'd spent the last few hours working and trying to get everything ready for tomorrow; I was grateful to him for his effort, his loyalty.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Tomorrow will be hectic so we decided to drop by, say our goodbyes.”
His wife Jacqueline embraced me next, placing a kiss on my head. “You've grown up to be a fine young woman, Evelyn. Your grandmother would be proud.”
“Thanks,” I choked out.
“You bitch.” She wiped away her tears…this was yet another goodbye. “You always leave.”
I laughed, embracing my lifelong friend. “I'll miss you, Jen.”
“Yeah, yeah. Me too,” she whispered. “Thank Nathan, he got everyone together for you, again.”
Professor Lanthorn and his wife gave me a small box next, both of them giving me a warm hug.
“It's been very nice to know you, Evelyn. I know I'll hear about you when you're among the greats. I am sure of it,” Professor Lanthorn said with a grin. “Should you ever need a letter of recommendation, just email me, I'll be happy to write one for you.”
“Thanks,” I smiled.
I turned around, catching Nathan's eye from the other side of the bar. He sat back, talking casually with Poison with his gaze fixed on us. He smiled, it didn't meet his eyes completely but there was a sense of peace there that I could feel deep in my heart. It eased my worries; he didn't resent me.
The door to the bar opened again, everyone's attention turning to see who it was. When I saw who walked in, I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face. Again, thanks to Nathan.
Karla grinned when she saw me, rushing towards me and hugging me.
“Oh, my God,” I breathed. “What are you doing here?”
“That genius back there flew me in,” she said. “I'm so sorry for what happened to you, Evie, but I'm so happy that you're not alone.”
I nodded, hugging the one friend I had in Florida. I really wasn't alone.
Grief and anger blind you; they are all consuming, devour your soul, wringing out every bit of happiness that you have. The thing is: you always have a choice. You can choose to be happy or live full of resentment. I didn't want to live that way. I was only twenty. I had too much life ahead of me to spend my time dwelling on painful memories.
The rest of the night was spent amongst friends—no—family. It was a night that would forever be etched in my memory. They were the ones that mattered; the ones that were worth it.
It was as if the music in the bar was set specifically for the special moment being lived; it was beautiful and soft, fitting.
Nathan stood from the stool on which he sat, his gaze on me. I knew as soon as I saw him he'd be approaching me and my heart raced.
He extended his hand when a particular song began playing and I gave it to him freely.
“One last dance,” he asked, smiling at me.
I rested my head on his chest, right over his heart, memorizing its beat. It was strong, steady yet beating a bit quicker than it usually did.
“I wish you all the best.” The sincerity in his voice told me he meant every word he said. “You have to promise to keep in touch, Evie.”
He pulled away slightly, taking my hand in his.
“This is yours,” he said, eyes boring into mine. He placed the bracelet on my wrist, letting his thumb linger there as he caressed my hand.
“Nathan, I—”
“Don't,” he smiled, cupping my face in his hands. “Just let me hold you…”
He wiped away my tears, placing a peck on my lips and whispering how much he loved me one last time.
CHAPTER 43
Evelyn
I sighed, smoothing down my dress yet again. From the outside, I looked like a confident woman who knew exactly what she was doing when on the inside, I was a mess. I could hardly breathe. I was terrified about what I was going to do.
You always set your plans in motion in your head: you picture every detail, how you hope it will turn out and then when the moment comes, nothing ever turns out as planned.
A knock on the door brought me out of my thoughts.
“Come in,” I called out.
Carter opened and a slow smile adorned his face.
“So, do I look halfway decent after a sex tape scandal?” I asked, shifting on my feet.
I was going to face the company board members for the first time since the incident and my nerves were at an all-time high. My mom and dad would be there as would Hannah, and I didn't know how well I'd be able to manage. There was so much that was going to happen that day.
“Do I look okay? Or should I put something less revealing or—”
“You look like the beautiful, strong young woman that you are,” Carter smiled, placing his hands on my shoulders. “I've placed the luggage in the car already so after the meeting we're heading out to the airport.”
I nodded, forcing a smile and looking down at my bracelet. I wanted to see him one last time.
“Alright,” I said, pushing away the thought, “Let's get going before I chicken out.”
The drive was quiet and tense. I kept rehearsing in mind the things I was going to say, what exactly was going to happen. My hands trembled and my heart raced. I was so nervous.
Jenna texted, wishing me luck as did her mom while David waited for me at the company. I couldn't believe that was actually happening. I rested my head against the window, closing my eyes and hoping it would turn out as planned.
When we arrived my nerves only increased. I was nauseous and trembling, the anxiety making my heart beat that much faster. I walked inside and the receptionist met me with a sympathetic smile.
“Miss Carson, good morning. They're already waiting for you upstairs.”
I frowned. David wasn't waiting for me. “Where is David?”
“Upstairs as well,” the woman said.
“Thank you.”
I rode the elevator upstairs with my eyes closed the whole time. It was time to face reality.
As I walked through the hallway, I saw everyone already gathered, their eyes turning to me as when they saw me through the glass window.
Be strong.
“Good morning,” I said as I opened the door. My eyes fell on David who had Kimberly next to him and the man sitting next to her; Nathan. “What are you doing here?” I asked, turning a deep shade of red.
He stood up, approaching me with a small smile. “I figured you needed the moral support,” he whispered. “David and I already have explained what occurred, Evie. You don't have to go into detail anymore, hm? Just say what you have to say, without worrying about that.”
“Oh, Nathan. You didn't have to do that.”
“And you shouldn't have to discuss your intimacies with people you hardly know and a gentleman wouldn't allow that. It's the least I could do.”
I swallowed past the gathering of emotions and nodded, feeling his hand squeezing mine.
When I looked up the board members were giving us sympathetic looks, except my mom. She was furious. My dad looked ashamed and Hannah, she seemed conflicted. I cleared my throat and Nathan sat once again next to David, encouraging me silently with a small nod.
“Well, uh, in light of everything that's happened the past couple of days a couple of decisions have been made. This will be very brief and please excuse me if I don't make sense but I am a bit overwhelmed with all the circumstances. First of all, I want to thank you all for cooperating. I know there's been doubts about the way things have been run lately, yet despite that, most of you have agreed that the company was taking a wrong turn and wanted to change that, so I appreciate it. Second, I do apologize that video got around. I know Nathan already discussed it, but it shouldn't have been out there.”
I glanced at my sister. Her ears were r
ed and she was tapping her fingers on the table impatiently. “Lastly, with all that being said, I'm resigning. I am not fit at this moment to guide the company when I am in no position to make any sound decisions. Therefore, I am entrusting the company to Kimberly. She is more than qualified to run the company and get it on the right track.”
Murmurs filled the room while everyone processed the information. Hannah appeared shocked as if maybe she was expecting for me to name her.
Of course she was.
“It's been very nice to meet all of you. If there are no questions, then you may be dismissed.” Everyone stood, including Nathan.
He squeezed my shoulder, letting me know he'd be waiting for me in the lobby. David closed the door before my parents and Hannah could leave.
“I need a moment with you,” I said to them.
My mom glared, eyes narrowing on me. “For what? You're going to explain why you had an affair with your sister's husband?”
I shook my head, smiling sadly. “Oh, mom—”
“Better yet, how you had it recorded and—”
“Take a seat, please. I promise you won't be here too long.”
Hannah sat, followed by my parents. Their frustration was evident and with that, all my doubts erased. They would never change.
“I know you all are biting your tongues to tell me off so, please, go ahead. Say what you need to say. Let's start with you, Dad.”
My dad snorted, shaking his head. “I don't have anything to say.”
A laugh bubbled up in my chest, one that I probably should have avoided but I was far too amused. “That's precisely your problem, Dad. You've stood all these years on the sidelines, simply watching how the world crumbles around you, never daring to say anything.”
My dad's jaw tightened. “I'm simply minding my business, Evelyn.”
“Or perhaps being a coward,” I said. Just as he was about to open his mouth to counter the truth to my words, I turned to my mom who looked like she was just waiting for her turn. “Go on, Mom. I can tell you are just biting your tongue.”
