by L. B. Reyes
Having sex with someone meant forging a connection, even if I decided on an overall “no strings attached” setting. I would share the intimate act of connecting my body with someone else—letting them see me in my most vulnerable moment. It’s not something that can easily be broken.
In the past year and a half, I hadn’t found someone with whom I felt that connection. But as soon as I saw Nathan, everything I hadn’t felt in months came rushing back. It frightened me.
I stood up, went to the restroom, and looked in the mirror. I applied a bit of lipstick and mascara, hoping it was enough to not look like I was completely freaking out. The blush on my cheeks sold me out, though. He would know what I had been thinking as soon as he saw me. Perhaps he wouldn’t notice.
Finally, I heard knocking at my door. I took a deep breath and tried to gain the courage to face him.
If I opened too fast, he would think I was anxious to see him, but if I took too long, he would know I was trying to avoid the situation. In the end, the outcome would be the same; I’d still have to face him.
I pulled the door open, giving him a genuine smile. His dark hair was disheveled, and he grinned, raising a bottle of wine and a single red rose in the other hand.
“Can’t visit you empty handed, right?”
I swallowed, rolling my eyes and extending my hand to take the rose from his.
I ignored the shiver that ran down my back.
But he pulled me closer to him, stepping inside and closing the door behind us. I gasped softly when, much like the first time we kissed, his hand went to the nape of my neck, but I forced myself to stay level headed.
Until he leaned down, pressing a kiss at the corner of my lips.
“What are you doing?” I asked breathlessly.
How was he doing this to me? How did he still have this effect on me?
“Greeting you properly,” he murmured, placing the bottle of wine on the table in the entryway.
I exhaled, meeting his eyes when his grip on my waist tightened. My lips parted, and then I felt his gaze drop down to my lips.
“Stop me now,” he whispered.
Instead of stopping him, though, I reached up, bringing his mouth to mine and kissing him. We both moaned at the contact, our control long gone. Maybe neither of us had control to begin with, not with each other.
It had been over a year of not being together. A year without each other.
Nathan had once again ignited a fire in me for him.
Always for him.
Hungrily, he took control of the kiss, lifting me up and placing me on the table where he’d set the bottle of wine, making it fall on the floor. Neither of us cared, not bothering to break the kiss as I pulled him closer to me with my legs.
His hands explored my body, and his lips left mine to kiss my jaw, my neck, any exposed skin he could find.
There was no control.
The blouse I wore was suddenly being torn apart, the delicate material giving way under Nate’s brutal assault, but I had no time to even process what was happening; his hands were immediately on my breasts, cupping them over the bra. I moaned, throwing my head back.
He was like a man starving, and I was his meal.
Nathan’s mouth fell on mine again, my little moans of delighted pleasure filling up the room as he pressed his hard length against my very, very wet core. The contact made us both moan, and his hand traveled between us, unbuckling his belt and lowering his zipper.
“Condom,” I panted.
A confused look covered his face as he began unzipping the jeans I wore. “What?”
“Condom,” I repeated, reaching for his pocket with a trembling hand. “I’m not on birth control anymore.”
“What?” he repeated, bewildered. “Ah, fucking hell.” He sighed, his hands on each side of my body. “You think I carry condoms around?”
“Don’t all men?” I asked. I wanted to fucking cry. I was so damned turned on and horny that all I wanted to do was get off.
He sighed as he tried to regain control. “I didn’t come with the intentions of fucking you, Evelyn, so no, I didn’t bring a condom.”
“Then what the hell was this?” I asked, gesturing to my ripped blouse.
I half expected for an explanation or apology, anything but him to burst out laughing. And yet that’s exactly what he did. His laughter filled the condo, eyes shining with amusement. “I got carried away.” He shrugged. “I like you better without a shirt, though, and if you want to take off the bra as well, go for it. Believe me, I don’t mind.”
Glaring at him, I attempted to jump off the counter, but Nathan didn’t let me, holding my hands in place with his and placing his body between my legs.
“Listen, Evie, we need to talk anyway, so it’s probably better that nothing’s happened between us right now.”
“You said we could talk later!” I exclaimed, furious.
“Yes, I know what I said. But after this, it’s clear we need to both see where we stand. Let’s talk, and I’ll go buy all the damn rubbers at the pharmacy, but I’m not fucking you. Not until we figure out what’s going on between us.”
I worried at my lip, gaze downcast. He didn’t let me, however, grasping my chin and forcing me to look at him.
“So what’s it going to be, Evie? You going to woman up and face reality, or are you going to keep hiding?”
Chapter 4
Nathan
Evelyn looked at me wide eyed, swollen lips parted, and eyes glazed over with lust. She was so confused, she couldn’t even hide it.
Sure, I had other reasons for being in New York. I wanted to start over as well, tired of being surrounded by the past. It was time for me to move on and quit waiting for an answer. What I felt for Evelyn hadn’t changed; she was the only woman I wanted in my life. I tried dating, getting to know other women…but always ended up comparing whoever I was with to her.
Evelyn had the same problem. Our “friendship” had allowed for her to feel free to speak openly about whoever she was seeing, and she was never happy.
It was sad to see that a once-energetic and pure-hearted woman had changed completely. More than anything, it was sad to see that she had allowed herself to change so much. The woman I loved, she was there still somewhere. I couldn’t force her to come out, though. It was up to Evie, only her. No one could decide her happiness.
She looked down, trying to avoid a confrontation. I didn’t know how to get rid of the fear she felt, but what I did know was that with her pushing me away, it would be difficult to regain her trust.
She was better than this fear of hers. Stronger. I didn’t want her to keep living this way, even if we didn’t end up together. I wanted to see her happy, truly happy, like I’d seen her before.
I gripped her chin, not harshly, just enough to get her attention and get her to look up at me. “So what’s it going to be, Evie? You going to woman up and face reality or are you going to keep hiding?”
Shaking her head, Evelyn maneuvered her way out of my grasp and pushed me away from her. I got the message and stepped back, allowing her to jump off the entry table.
As if I hadn’t seen her many times before, she held the blouse I’d ripped tight around her body and began pacing. Her eyebrows furrowed, and the lipstick she had been wearing when I got here was smeared.
“I don’t understand how you think you can appear out of nowhere and just force me to make a decision,” she finally said. Though she tried to sound confident, I could clearly sense the distress in her words.
She picked up the rose that I had brought for her and fixed her gaze on it. Anything to not look at me.
“I appeared out of nowhere?” I asked, staring at her. “I don’t think I appeared out of nowhere, Evelyn. We’ve tried this whole being friends thing for over a year now, and it’s fucking clear as day that neither of us has moved on.”
“You don’t want to be my friend anymore?”
I saw the way her eyes took a pained look and quickly re
alized she didn’t get it.
“I can be your friend, yeah. I just don’t want to be only your friend, Evelyn.”
“So is this an ultimatum?”
A tense silence surrounded us. I wouldn’t exactly use the word ultimatum with our situation, but I did need to know whether there was a future with her. If all she wanted from me was a friendship, then so be it. I would be there for her; I wouldn’t refuse. But waiting around, hoping one day she opened her eyes and realized she still loved me, was no longer an option. Not when I saw her trying desperately to find happiness where we both knew she wouldn’t find it.
I was the first to admit our relationship hadn’t started in the best of ways; I had been the married one, but all that was in the past now. Maybe that was the reason it didn’t work out in the first place. However, now we had the chance to start over, and we were both letting it slip by.
“For our relationship, yes,” I finally answered her question. “I’m always going to be here for you. I’ll always be your friend, Evie. I just need to know if you see a future between us.”
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t know why you’re pressuring me to decide—”
“Don’t do this,” I said, stopping her. “I’m not pressuring you, Evelyn. It’s been over a year. A whole fucking year. You said you were trying to figure out what to do, how to find yourself, and I don’t know what other bullshit. All I see is you losing yourself even more. Maybe it’s not something you should do alone.”
“You don’t know—”
“No. I don’t. But fuck, Evie. Let me help you. We can figure it out together.”
Evelyn sighed, shaking her head slowly. “Can we just eat, talk about this later?”
I agreed, only because I saw she was starting to get overwhelmed. I didn’t want to scare her off, but I wasn’t budging. This was something we had to discuss.
The time for waiting was over.
She went to her bedroom to put on another shirt while I went to the kitchen and started serving the Chinese food she’d bought.
Smiling weakly, she sat across from me, but I knew her better than she even knew herself. Not even looking at her food, Evelyn reached out for my hand. I took it gladly, running my thumb over her knuckles.
“I’m scared, Nathan. You deserve that girl, the one who wasn’t fearful of getting hurt, that didn’t doubt everyone. I’m not her anymore, and I don’t know that I can go back—”
I shook my head. She didn’t get it. Evelyn had always been stubborn, but in that moment, she wasn’t comprehending what I was trying to say.
“I’m not asking you to go back to who you were, though I know she’s in there somewhere. I’m asking you to let me help you, to let me be here for you. I won’t say how I feel about you because at this point it’s only going to scare you, but you know exactly how much I care for you. Don’t push me away. I can help you. I want to help you.”
“I don’t know why I can’t figure this out,” she finally whispered.
The brightness in her eyes was gone. I could tell she really had no clue what to do or say; she didn’t know how to find the peace she desperately searched for. Maybe I didn’t have the answers, but I knew I could help her. Sometimes being alone does nothing but confuse the person, and in Evie’s case, I was sure that was exactly what happened.
I knelt in front of her and took her hand in mine. Her lips tilted up into a small smile, and for a minute, I could see the real Evelyn.
“We don’t have to make anything official, Evelyn. I just want you to quit hiding from what you feel. That’s cowardly, and the woman I know, she’s anything but a coward. That’s exactly why you can’t figure it out.”
“Why?” She asked the question so quietly I could barely hear her.
“Because you’re running away from your past instead of confronting it. I know that you’ve been burned, I know I hurt you with things I did, the things I said, but understand I never did it on purpose. I felt like I was protecting you by hiding the video from you, and yeah, I fucked up, but I won’t do it again.”
“It’s not that,” she said. “I’m just scared of opening up to someone, to anyone. I’m scared of betrayal.”
“I won’t betray you, Evie, but you have to trust me, or at least try. The only thing standing in our way now is your fear. Are you going to let it control you, or are you finally going to control it?”
***
We sat on the sofa, each of us with a glass of wine. The conversation had turned casual, about how I invested in the gallery and when I was officially to be moving to New York. I still had to finish the semester in Pennsylvania, but that was only two more weeks. As soon as those weeks were over, I would be in NYC for good.
“Have you talked to my parents?” I asked Evie.
She shook her head shyly. “Your mom always texts me, asking if I want to visit, but I don’t know. I’m nervous, I guess.”
She had distanced herself from everyone, from the people she was closest to. I knew part of it was her being ashamed of what happened. Everyone knew about the video, and word got around. It had damaged her reputation.
“Do you want to go for breakfast with them tomorrow?” I asked, stroking her cheek with the back of my hand. “We don’t have to, but I’m sure my mom would be glad to see you. We can invite Carter if you want to.”
Slowly, I got the answer I wanted. She nodded, leaning into my touch.
With the biggest case of blue balls I had ever faced, it took all my restraint to not pin her down there and fuck her senseless then and there, especially with the way she was looking at me. I cleared my throat and scratched the back of my head, glancing at my phone for the time. “I guess I should go, Evie.”
“You’re leaving?”
“I don’t suppose you want me to stay.” I smirked.
“Actually,” she began, “I would. Not to, you know, do anything, but I mean, it’s late and you’ve been drinking, and I just think it would be best.”
I nodded. “I’ll settle here on the couch then.”
She smiled, the first genuine, Evie smile she’d given me all evening, and stood up, walking towards her bedroom. When she came back, she had a blanket and a couple of pillows in her hands.
“I guess I’ll leave you to it,” she said awkwardly. I took the sight of her in as she walked backwards to her bedroom, waving goodbye with a curious look in her eyes.
Once I heard the door to her bedroom close, I removed my clothing down to my boxers and laid down on the uncomfortable couch. This wasn’t exactly how I planned on spending the night, but it would have to do. Progress had been made, and maybe, just maybe, Evie would take into consideration what I had said.
Half an hour had passed by when I heard her soft footsteps and then the door opening again. In just a few short seconds, her figure was standing in front of me, her hair up in a messy bun and the shirt she wore barely coming down to mid-thigh.
She didn’t say anything and laid down next to me on the sofa, placing her head on my chest and a leg over my waist.
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Okay what?” I asked.
“I want you with me,” she said softly. “I’m not quite ready to jump into a serious relationship, but I want us to give it a try. Go slow. Can we do that?”
She looked up, and I could see the insecurity written all over her face.
“I would understand if you don’t want to,” she whispered.
“I don’t have a problem with going slow,” I murmured.
She beamed. Her eyes shone with unshed tears, and finally, she pressed her lips to mine gently, and I knew I’d made the right decision.
This was home.
Chapter 5
Evelyn
“Stop,” I whispered, my eyes fluttering closed.
Nathan hummed against my neck, nipping at the skin. Somehow, some way, we’d managed to get comfortable on the small sofa, his hands exploring places in my body that had remained unexplored for over a year.
I tilted my head, giving him more access to my neck, which he took advantage of immediately, groaning when he heard the soft moan that left my lips. All the teasing touches, his lips on me, they were all adding up, the tension in my body increasing to levels I’d never experienced.
“Touch me,” I pleaded.
His eyes darkened with desire, but a smirk formed on his lips. “I thought we were taking things slow.”
Even as he spoke, though, his hand lowered further, just barely grazing the waistband of my boy shorts.
“We…are,” I gasped. “But please, Nate, I need you.”
His gaze went down to my parted lips, then back up to my eyes as his hand went between my legs. I whimpered, and his lips pulled up to a taunting grin. “I hardly think this is a way of taking it slow, Evelyn.”
Suddenly the look in his eyes changed, from lustful and dark, to longing—the type of longing someone has for their lover after time apart. The type of longing one can only have for the person they love.
“I’ve waited to have you with me for so long.” He brushed the hair away from my face. “You keep fighting us for no reason.” He spoke as his hand finally bypassed my underwear, and I moaned gratefully when he finally stroked me where I needed it the most.
Nathan cursed, lowering his forehead to mine. “You don’t understand how perfect we are together, Evie,” he said scornfully. “You don’t understand how many people wish to have what we share between us. Can you not feel it? As I touch you? As I kiss you?” He asked the questions as he lowered his lips to mine, giving me a punishing kiss that made me forget how to breathe.
