by L. B. Reyes
I shook my head, trying to look away from him and avoid the guilt I felt. I was stupid, behaving like I didn’t love him when he was the only man I had truly ever cared for.
“Hannah, baby, I love you. What else do you need?” His words were but a desperate whisper against my lips, and when he pressed them against mine, I closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in his loving kiss.
I whimpered against his lips, my hands gripping his shirt, afraid he would disappear from beneath my fingertips.
He couldn’t leave me.
He loved me too much.
I would lose the only happiness I had.
Everything was better with him in my life; my future didn’t seem so bleak; my heart beat to rhythm of him. I felt alive.
Without him, I’d go back to being the same person I had been—a person I despised.
His forehead rested against mine and his eyes remained closed. I knew he was hurting. I knew he was in pain.
Why can’t you fucking let go?
“Come with me,” Derek pleaded. A lump rose in my throat when I heard the seriousness in his tone. “Let’s leave…leave all of this behind. We can start over wherever you want, Hannah, anywhere. Do whatever you need but let’s leave.”
Yes.
I want to.
I wish I could.
Too many lose ends.
My mind screamed, drowning out the voice of my aching heart.
“I can’t,” I whispered.
Just like that, he snapped. He pulled away from me, and I stumbled back, not because he’d been aggressive, but because I could feel him letting me go, this time forever. He wouldn’t take me back; there would be no second chances. I’d fucked up all of those.
“I don’t fucking understand!” he roared, his green eyes furious and his expression hurt.
Actual pain.
“What the fuck am I doing wrong? Why is this not enough?” He walked up to me, blazing green eyes staring back at me with pained anger. “Does this shit matter to you more than what we have?”
“Derek—”
“No,” he interrupted. “This is bullshit. You are full of bullshit. We don’t matter to you. All that matters is your reputation, your business, and your fucking money. You want that shit? Keep it. But I’m done, Hannah. I’m done waiting around for you.”
I couldn’t blame him for being angry, couldn’t blame him for anything, really.
He didn’t choose to fall in love with me.
And I couldn’t choose him…
Not completely.
Not in the way he deserved.
“Answer me.” His voice thundered throughout the large house, and my attention fell back on him. I wanted him to yell, to scream and tell me everything I deserved. I wanted to take away his pain.
I wanted him to hate me, so he could forget me.
He continued asking questions, furious, close to me. My heart pounded in my chest and his words faded out while I tried my best to think of the good times and the good memories, savoring the warmth of his body near me even if it was under these circumstances.
Until he wasn’t there.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Just like that, reality came crashing back without compassion.
My husband stood before me, his arm pushing me back gently, probably wondering about my upset state. He fixed his accusing gaze on Derek while he stood there, his lips pressed together in a tight line.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Nathan asked the question again, concerned with what he’d seen. We hadn’t gotten along in years, but I knew he would never allow anyone to physically hurt me.
“Stay out of it,” Derek muttered. He glared at the man who he’d considered his friend for the past few months, hating the way that Nathan stood between us.
So many things stood between us.
“You need to take a fucking walk, Derek,” Nathan spat.
Oh, if he knew this was my fault.
Derek scoffed. Nathan wouldn’t notice. He didn’t know him well enough to see his pain. All he could see was an angry man, one it seemed could turn violent.
I knew he wouldn’t, but Nathan didn’t.
It’s easier this way, I lied to myself.
Let him go.
“Is this your decision?” Derek asked one last time.
When a few seconds passed by without an answer, he nodded, and vaguely, I could see his eyes water as he contained his emotions the best he could.
“All right, then,” he said. “I hope you don’t regret it.”
I did.
I always did.
CHAPTER 1
Years later…
Hannah
The higher you are, the harder you fall.
I snorted.
I never thought I would have to learn the meaning of those words. For years I had everything. I lived in luxury, never worried about what to eat, and never hesitated in getting what I wanted, no matter who I had to hurt.
That all changed a few years ago.
I won’t bother with the full story, since it’s incredibly boring. But I will say it changed my life in more ways than one.
Rich girl wants to stay rich.
Rich girl fucks her family over.
Family ends up putting rich girl in jail.
Rich girl ends up with nothing.
Years later, former rich girl was utterly poor and trying to figure out what to do with her life. She didn’t have a home, didn’t have a place to call her own, and hardly even had a family.
And there were so many things to fix.
I could make up many excuses for my actions left and right, may even be smart enough to fool others, but I didn’t want to. For the past years, I’d come to acknowledge what I did and confront it. To say I was at peace would be a terrible lie. I regretted everything…some things more than others. Just like I’d accomplished things, I’d also suffered. I made mistakes. The worst part of it all was that I could do nothing to take back what I’d done. I’d left permanent scars on the souls of every person I’d hurt—every action, every word, every single thought—it remained with them.
It stuck with me.
I sighed, laying back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. It was dark already, and though the day had been very eventful after Evie’s birthday, I couldn’t say I was tired, especially not after seeing everyone I’d damaged.
Not after seeing Derek.
I couldn’t have expected him to talk to me. To be honest, I hadn’t expected anything at all.
And indeed, I hadn’t received anything.
I’d lost my opportunity with him years ago, and now it was my time to finally accept it.
“Are you okay?”
Evelyn stood by the doorway, her curly hair falling down to her shoulders, face bare of any make up, but wearing a concerned expression. That was one of the many differences between us; her hair was so curly while mine was straight. She was always so loving while I had always been very superficial. We grew up in the same home but were raised different ways. There were endless differences between us, and we couldn’t ignore them.
We were sisters. Maybe not your conventional “steal your clothes and gossip over boys” kind of sisters, but sisters, nonetheless. I still believed that, even if it was difficult for me to say the words out loud.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, sitting back up. “The house is very pretty.”
I heard footsteps and immediately knew who was approaching. Nathan appeared behind Evelyn and pressed a kiss on the top of her head.
How the tables had turned.
He merely glanced at me. We were civil, but we weren’t friends. I wasn’t ignorant, though. He looked at Evelyn lovingly, his hand resting on her hip, and instantly, I saw her flush.
I suppressed a snicker. They were married, and she was still so shy.
“Do you need anything?” Nathan asked, the first words he’d said to me since I’d arrived.
I shook my head. “Thank you
.”
With a curt nod, he turned his attention back to his wife, letting her know he’d sent Lily to bed and that he would be waiting for her in the bedroom. Evie nodded, thanking him as he kissed the tip of her nose.
Envy.
I was happy for her, yet I was so damn jealous. Not because she was with Nathan, but because I wasn’t with him.
He walked away, and Evie stepped inside the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her. She played with the hem of her shirt, a clear sign that she was nervous. It was a habit Evie’d had since she was a little girl, one I remembered clearly. Every time Mom would scold her, she would do that, or bite her lip and brush her hair back.
My little sister had always been very easy to read. Sometimes I wished I had been too. Maybe if everyone around me had seen how much I struggled at times, they would have seen through the mask I wore. However, I knew how to wear it well. Even then, in that precise moment, I struggled to keep the mask off.
I didn’t like showing my feelings.
Mom taught me it was for the weak.
Later on, I realized it was only the brave who wore their feelings on their sleeve, unafraid to show this cruel world how they felt.
“I’m sorry if this isn’t a big room like you’re used to,” she finally said.
Surprised, I furrowed my eyebrows, hoping she’d carry on.
“It’s nothing like the house back in Pennsylvania, but Nathan and I didn’t want a huge house.”
My heart sank.
She was worried I wouldn’t be comfortable or, even worse, that I would reject her. I couldn’t blame anyone other than myself for her fears.
You did this to her.
I took her hand in mine and squeezed it reassuringly. “The room is perfect, Evie. Thank you.”
“Is it?” She smiled warmly.
“It is. Way better than the bunk bed in prison,” I joked, pinching the bridge of my nose and shuddering.
Her face broke out into a full-blown grin. “No luxury mattresses there.” She laughed. “I’m very happy you’re here.”
“Me too,” I agreed, though part of me was fearful and nostalgic.
Ironically, the place in which I learned how to make friends was a prison, a place in which I never thought I would set foot. Now, not only did I have to try and fix the many things I’d royally fucked up, but I also had to learn how to reintegrate into society, which wouldn’t be easy.
Not with my record.
It was tainted, and finding a job would be both cruel and exhausting.
Who would hire someone who’s committed fraud and betrayed her younger sister in the worst of ways? I wouldn’t.
“Nathan doesn’t look too happy to have me around,” I murmured.
Evie’s face lit up. “He’s the one who suggested you stay here until you’re back on your feet.”
“He did that?”
Pride filled her features. I always knew he was a caring and humble man, but I never thought he’d be compassionate toward me, not after everything I had done. It dawned on me that I had lost a good man—no—would have lost a good man if he’d ever belonged to me.
He never had.
Nathan and I were a mismatch from the start.
We were too different, complete opposites.
I’d heard it said that opposites attract. In our case, it was never true. Obviously, I found him attractive, and I had to imagine that he’d once found me attractive, as well. I cared for him at some point, and he’d cared for me, but love? We’d never felt that for each other.
At that stage of my life, I had been too worried about keeping the family name spotless and making my mother proud, no matter the cost. Nathan had other goals: get money, though his main concern was always his mother, Deborah. I could still recall how much he’d worried about his mother and how hurt he’d been with her diagnosis.
Perhaps it had been one of the most honest nights of our entire marriage. There was no sex, just him talking to me, confiding in me about his mother’s health. I remember thinking that I would have been just as desperate if my mother had been the one ill.
“Do you need anything else? I know you don’t have many clothes, but I’m sure I can find something for you. We can also go shopping tomorrow, if you’d like?”
“You don’t have to do that, Evie.” I’d done so little for her, so the fact that she even offered up a room in her house made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t deserve it.
“I want to.” She smiled. “We can go tomorrow, yes? It’ll give us time to catch up.”
With her eyes hopeful, there was no way I could deny it. I owed my freedom to her.
“Okay,” I agreed. Evie squealed, jumping up and hugging me tightly. It felt weird at first; I didn’t know what to do or how to react, but instinct took over and I wrapped my arms around her. “I’ll pay you back when I start working again.”
She shook her head. “No. It’s my welcome back gift to you.”
After a few more minutes, Evie stepped out, and I laid back down. This was my new life.
The person I’d hurt the most was the one helping me.
She was married to my ex-husband, and I…
Well, I was just there.
I closed my eyes, groaning softly.
I needed to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my life. I couldn’t depend on Evie and Nathan forever. They had their own family, and it would be too awkward for me to be under the same roof as Nathan, especially when he only tolerated me for her sake.
The job search would soon begin, and I would find a way to get back on my feet so I could prove myself worthy of their help…
And prove to myself that I was, indeed, a better person.
CHAPTER 2
Hannah
I used to love shopping at the mall—getting my nails done, getting the fanciest clothes and the most expensive shoes. That was my life before.
Now, well…now I was thankful to be eating a Big Mac and drinking Coca-Cola. They didn’t serve nice, big meals with fries in jail, and now that I had access to them, I enjoyed them to the fullest. But being in a place where everyone appeared to have their lives together was upsetting because for the time being, I had no clue what I would do with mine.
Evie took a sip of her drink while Nathan sat back, his jaw tense, their three-year-old Lily sitting on his lap. He wasn’t happy to be there, and though Evelyn told him we’d be fine on our own, he insisted on coming with us.
He didn’t trust me, I realized.
I couldn’t say I blamed him, but I was too much of a coward to look at him. His gaze held accusation. Eventually, if Nathan and I were going to get along, we would have a long, awkward conversation about everything that had happened between us. I didn’t look forward to it, but with change came making amends.
A lovely two-in-one package.
“Aunt Hannah?”
Big, gray eyes looked up at me with curiosity, breaking the silence that surrounded us. Nathan relaxed when his daughter spoke up, and Evie smiled tenderly.
I was nervous.
Somehow, I knew what she was going to ask, and I dreaded it. There are things that are very difficult to explain to a child, and the food court at a mall was definitely not the place where I wanted to tell Lily I had been in prison.
When she grew up, she would know. She’d also learn about the harm I had caused her mother. She’d hate me eventually, and I’d wind up alone anyway.
“Where were you all this time?”
There it is.
Nathan tensed once again, pressing his lips together.
“Remember what I told you?” Evie asked, completely unfazed. The mother role fit her perfectly. “That sometimes people make mistakes and do bad things?”
Lily nodded, her full attention on Evelyn.
“Well, sometimes people have to go away. Aunt Hannah did the same thing.”
Interest piqued, the young girl raised an eyebrow. “Like jail?”
Nathan started coughing, surpri
sed by his daughter’s question.
I smiled. She was a smart little thing.
“Yes, like jail.”
Her eyes widened, and I half expected for her to cower away. Instead, she stood up, then sat next to me, her curls bouncing as she did so. “Is it scary?”
I felt my heart flutter. I didn’t frighten her. To have her innocent face looking up at me with pure interest was an experience I didn’t think I would have.
“It’s not a good place to be,” I replied, glancing at Evelyn, hoping I had said the right thing. She gave me an encouraging nod, resting her head on Nathan’s shoulder.
“But sometimes people leave that place and they are better.”
“Are you?”
That was a question I’d asked myself several times before my release.
Was I a better person?
I thought I was, but the idea of messing up terrified me. The feeling of Nathan’s intense eyes looking at me with apprehension forced me to meet his gaze. His arm was wrapped around Evie’s shoulders, and the message was clear.
Don’t fuck this up.
Don’t hurt her again.
I wondered if Evelyn actually trusted me. It was clear Nathan didn’t. It was clear nobody did other than her. Why the hell would she trust me?
I didn’t even trust myself.
Oblivious to the death glare her husband gave me, Evie calmly took another sip of her drink.
“I am a better person,” I stated, my eyes fixed on Nathan. He had to know I had changed. My relationship with Evie was on the line, and if he had the slightest doubt, I knew she’d feel it…eventually.
Once again, my attention shifted to the little girl looking up at me. She deserved a family, a healthy one.
I could do that.
I needed to do that.
“I don’t always make the best decisions,” I said to Lily. Nathan snorted. “But I think being around you and your mommy will help me be a better person too.”
