by L. B. Reyes
I’m sorry.
“Do you want something to drink?” Derek asked, his jaw ticking.
I wasn’t the only one with emotions all over the place. I could see it in his eyes.
The same hatred, the same pain he’d felt years ago, was there—raging.
“Is that really what you want to ask?”
He shook his head.
“Then ask what you want to know.”
I expected endless questions. I wanted endless questions. Instead, I only got one.
“Why?”
I gasped, unprepared for the impact the single word would have.
Why?
A question I asked myself so many times and it still remained unanswered.
Why?
There was no good reason for what I did. Everyone knew that. I wasn’t a child. I wasn’t manipulated. It had been my choice. Everything had been my choice.
“I was stupid,” I finally replied. At my words, Derek scoffed, his green eyes turning cold. I swallowed, realizing how dumb the reason sounded.
“You were anything but stupid,” he hissed, his lips curling with disgust. I blinked away the tears. “You got what you wanted, kept up with your image, fucked around with me, and fucked me over. You did everything and knew exactly the consequences it would have. You were not stupid.”
“I was.” He rolled his eyes at my insistence, but this time, I clarified. “I was stupid for choosing money over our relationship. I was stupid for choosing a fake marriage over the one real and honest and pure thing I had going for me. I was stupid, and I hurt you, and I’ll always regret it.”
There was no compassion on his face. I took a single step forward, and he took a step back, apparently wanting to keep his distance. Long gone was the kind man from earlier; this man was angry. This man hated me.
“You clearly didn’t care about our relationship as much as you cared about your money.”
My heart dropped.
I expected that blow. I just didn’t think it would hurt so much. A tear escaped, and I wiped it away as fast as I could. But after that one tear, another one followed, and then another. Derek looked away from me as if he thought I was pathetic. Maybe I was.
“Do you know the trouble you caused? Do you know the shit you put people through? Your own sister. For fuck’s sake, Hannah, you ruined my life. Do you have any idea the crazy shit I did for you? For a woman who didn’t give a fuck for anyone other than herself?”
I winced, wrapping my arms around my body.
There it was.
The pain I refused to feel, the tears I’d refused to cry. The weakness I never wanted to show. I didn’t stand a chance, not against him. I could confront Evie, Carter, Nathan…but Derek was the only one that could break me.
And break me he did.
He was breaking me like I’d broken him before.
This was his pain. This was his anger.
I was the reason.
I was the target.
“You act like you’ve changed, like you care,” he spat, the words cutting through me like a knife. “It could all be fake for all I know. How do I know it isn’t?”
“Because the old Hannah would never tell you how sorry she is,” I choked out, my voice trembling. Derek stopped, his gaze no longer furious but confused. “The old Hannah would never admit how wrong she was. But this Hannah, the Hannah standing in front of you right now, in this moment…she is so sorry.”
It all stopped in that moment. He no longer looked pissed, and I felt a bit of the weight lifted off my shoulders.
“I’m so sorry for what I did,” I confessed, unable to stop a sob from escaping. “Every single day, I regret it. Every single day, I try to live with the guilt, and it’s killing me. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I can’t begin to explain to you how much I want to take it all back, Derek. I regret all the pain I caused you. I’m so, so sorry.”
His lips tilted up slightly, and yet it was the saddest smile I’d ever seen.
“What’s the point of an apology?” He walked up to me this time, and my breathing hitched when his hand reached up and, for the first time in years, he touched my face. His thumb caught one of my tears. “An apology does nothing, Hannah.”
I whimpered.
I needed to hear him say he forgave me because otherwise, I would never be able to forgive myself.
“It’s been years. I’ve tried to move on without you. I tried to move on despite you.” His hand dropped, leaving my body feeling cold. “I don’t need your apologies, not anymore.”
I nodded. The ache in my chest increased by the second. This was what I deserved.
I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. The words were at the tip of my tongue, begging to be said, begging for freedom. He had to know this.
“You’re the only man I’ve ever loved,” I whispered, watching the way his expression changed.
I still love you.
“I know it doesn’t seem that way, but…I…I can’t move on.”
I couldn’t read his expression. He appeared so confused, so torn. I ached, knowing I was causing him pain again.
“I’m sorry.” I avoided his gaze, fixing it instead on a framed picture of Evelyn and Lily. “I should just go. This is pointless.”
Through the corner of my eye, I saw him shaking his head.
“If you loved me, why?” His voice was desperate, and when I met his eyes, there was no denying the darkness there. He searched for answers I couldn’t give him. “I don’t understand, Hannah. You say you loved me, that you cared, and you still did such shitty things. Why?”
“I don’t have a good reason, and the ones I have won’t be enough. But please know, I’m so, so sorry, Derek. For everything I did, for the pain I caused. I’ll never forgive myself.”
The loneliness suffocated me.
I needed to breathe. I needed space.
I needed his arms wrapped around me, his lips to tell me he’d forgiven me.
It was too much to ask for.
Wiping away my tears, I forced myself to be strong. My pain, my heartache, didn’t matter. What mattered was that he found the peace he needed, and he’d never find that with me.
“I need to go, Derek.”
I took a few steps forward, walking past him until I heard his voice.
“Don’t cower away, Hannah. Not now.” He paused, and I knew whatever he was going to say was going to carry a crushing weight. “I loved you so much. I was willing to do anything, everything for you. Do you understand that? You were the woman I wanted to spend my life with and you took that from me.”
I found it funny how even knowing something, once someone says it out loud, the words become much more powerful. This wasn’t news to me; it wasn’t something I didn’t know. Hearing him say it out loud destroyed me more so when his voice broke at the end.
“It’s like I’m stuck.” He sighed, the words laced with desperation. “I’m fucking stuck in the same place I was when we ended, and it’s bullshit. I can’t move on.”
I shuddered. What was he saying? Does he want to move on? How do I help him move on?
“Turn around and look at me. You owe me that much.”
I did as he said, the despair written all over his face further torturing me.
What could I do when there was so much to say but no words to say it?
There comes a point in life when one realizes that though words carry a lot of significance, they can also be meaningless. A million “I’m sorry’s” wouldn’t fix the damage done. A billion “I love you’s” wouldn’t heal his broken heart.
So what was the point of words?
Did any of them mean anything?
We were at war. At war with each other, with our hearts and our minds, so which one would win?
“Hannah…”
My lip quivered.
I waited for whatever he was going to say, but the words never came. He stared at me briefly, his eyes roaming my face as he searched for his answer.
&nbs
p; “Derek, I…” I swallowed, unable to say the three words that I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. The three words that I hadn’t said in so many years.
The three words he had the right to know.
Instead, I stood there like an idiot, waiting for something, and that something finally came when he stepped forward, cupping my face in his hands and whispering, “I believe you.”
Chapter 12
Hannah
“What?”
“I do. I believe you.”
And just like that, the weight from my chest was removed. With a sharp breath, I looked up at him, astounded by what I saw. It was like he couldn’t settle on a single emotion, but I could: gratefulness. I threw myself into his arms, hugging him and resting my head on his chest. He didn’t reject me. Instead, he held me against him.
“Do you really believe me?” I whispered, blinking past the tears.
He tilted my head up, looking into my eyes tenderly. “I don’t know why, but I do.”
My wings started to open, ready to take flight.
But he cut them before they even got a chance to fully spread.
“I believe you, but I can’t do this again.”
I flinched, sucking in a breath and stumbling back with the impact of the blow.
Yeah, words could be meaningless.
And yet they hurt so much.
“I can’t, Hannah,” he said regretfully. “I thought—it’s been so long, and I can’t forget. I know you’re sorry, but there was so much damage done. I can’t.”
Your apologies will never be enough.
“I understand.” It hurts. “I didn’t expect much else…”
Derek seemed pained.
“I need to go, Derek.”
He frowned, despair shining through those emerald eyes that had once been full of happiness. There was none of that joy left.
“You can’t leave like this.”
“I can’t stay like this,” I countered. Wounded, I wrapped my arms around my body, doing my best to hold myself together. I’d preserve the little dignity I had left, even if I was willing to lose it all just to have him by my side again.
It was clear it would never happen.
This was my time for goodbye. It was time to say the last bit of what I felt was still pending between us.
“Thank you for loving me as much as you did.”
His eyes widened, and for a moment, it was as if I held his heart in the palm of my hand.
Little did he know I was giving him every bit of mine.
“I didn’t deserve it,” I whispered.
“Don’t, Hannah. We don’t have to do—”
“I promise to stay out of your way as much as possible.”
Derek shook his head with a hint of disbelief on his features. I held on to my pride and to the knowledge that at least I’d tried.
I didn’t have to spend my life wondering if there was anything to save between Derek and me. I didn’t have to wonder if I deserved his forgiveness.
“I’m going to go now.”
“I’ll drive you. You can’t leave like this, it’s late and—”
“Don’t, please don’t. I can’t…I can’t handle being with you right now,” I confessed. “Goodnight, Derek.”
I rushed out as fast as I could. My feet didn’t want to move and my heart stayed behind…but I left anyways.
I used to pride myself on being strong and fucking fearless. I was terribly wrong.
I was weak and, worse of all, alone.
I wanted to be numb, not feel this ache. It was impossible for me to understand how people could live like this day by day, feeling the pain and the sorrow having your heart ripped out caused. How could they breathe when it felt like all the air was stolen from their lungs? How do I fucking walk, when the steps were so heavy, even trying to move hurt?
Taking steady breaths seemed to help.
I told myself not to close off, to remain strong and good and humble like I’d tried lately. But numbing the pain was so tempting.
Lily.
The image of her pure and innocent smile flashed in my mind, and for a moment, I thought that it was going to be okay. Until that one thought brought up another memory.
“I want kids with you.”
I blinked, surprised by the complete randomness of the words. Was he crazy? We had absolutely everything going against us. We would never be able to form a family. I never even wanted one.
However, when I saw the way his eyes lit up when he mentioned a family, I couldn’t help but be hopeful too.
“You know I can’t,” I reminded him. Derek didn’t lose his smile.
He stopped chopping the lettuce, set the knife to the side, and beckoned me toward him. I obliged, wrapping my arms around his neck. He leaned down and placed the softest of kisses on my lips. My eyes closed, and I pressed my body against his while his hands traveled down my waist. The closeness of our bodies erased the stress of the day.
I found peace when I was with him.
“I would love to form a family with you, Hannah,” he whispered against my lips. I wanted to speak, but he brought a finger to my mouth, shutting me up. “I want everything with you.”
“Derek, I—”
“It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow,” he interrupted. “But there’s so much left for us, Hannah. You made me believe that, and I do. There’s no reason we should settle with what we have.”
“We’ve talked about this, Derek. I can’t just up and leave.”
“I know.” His thumb traced my cheekbone, his gaze unwavering. I wished I had half the courage he did, that I was half as brave. I’d be able to shut out that little voice in my head that told me I shouldn’t even be with him the first place. “But when you do, because you will, we will start over somewhere else.”
He prevented my arguing by kissing me again, picking me up and taking me to the bedroom, where we practiced our baby-making skills.
And that night, I let myself dream about the family I knew I would never have.
I found myself standing in front of Evie’s house, terrified and broken. I didn’t know how long I stood there, only that my fingers started to get numb as I stood out in the cold. I needed something, though I didn’t know what it was.
My mom would have laughed and said this was pathetic, that this was exactly why everything in life should be treated as a business transaction. Maybe she’d been right. If I wouldn’t have opted for this change, I wouldn’t feel hurt.
The door to the house opened suddenly, except my hands hadn’t reached for it. I looked up to meet my former husband’s eyes, which stared back at me with concern.
“I heard you leave. Are you okay?”
I shook my head.
“Are you going to come in?”
I spoke without thinking. “The cold helps me not feel.”
Maybe he was faking the concern on his face, or perhaps he actually felt it, but I didn’t want it. I didn’t want the pity.
“Hannah, what’s wrong? Come inside.”
“What is it, babe?” Evie’s voice came from behind Nathan, who didn’t budge. “Who is—Hannah. What are you doing out there?”
She pushed past him and placed her hands on my arm, the contact setting off a wave of emotions inside me. A sob broke through, and at the sound, Evelyn’s expression appeared troubled.
“Han, what’s wrong?”
For the first time, I said the words out loud. “He can’t forgive me. I ruined everything, Evie, everything.”
I felt like my knees were going to give up on me, but to my surprise, they didn’t.
My sister’s arms surrounded me and she held me up, trying to soothe me. I sobbed and allowed myself to mourn the love I’d lost.
Chapter 13
Hannah
I allowed Evie to hold me only for a few seconds. After that, I left once again, this time with no destination in mind.
The stars shone above me, as if trying to guide me to wherever I was goi
ng. I didn’t know where, and truthfully it didn’t matter. I just needed to get away.
I walked on shards of glass. It hurt, and the wounds cut so deep that each step became more difficult than the one before. With the back of my hand, I wiped away the tears that escaped, thankful no one could see me.
I walked and walked until I arrived at a local park. I walked past all the benches until I got to a lake. The moon reflected on it, and it was simply beautiful.
I’d never felt so heartbroken.
Deep down, I knew I deserved a second chance. He’d gotten a second chance, after all, but he’d taken that from me. Derek would never forgive me, and in doing so, he stopped himself from living. There was no way of him living in peace, happily, if he couldn’t leave the past behind.
I had to do the same.
But where could I find strength when I felt like I’d spent the last bit of it? What could I hold on to when I had nothing left?
When I was young, my mother emphasized the importance of business, of staying level-headed and completely objective no matter the circumstances. There was no room for feelings—only for sound decisions. It was helpful advice when negotiating, and yet it was terrible to apply it in my personal life. Still, that’s exactly what I did.
Showing vulnerability was a bad choice.
Showing weakness was, well, weak.
And crying was never allowed.
The harshest of lessons came when I was fifteen. I had attended a business meeting with my mother, and as always, I was ready to learn, do anything to get her to show some affection. The man in the meeting was easily in his thirties; his age didn’t matter, though. The minute I’d walked into the office, his eyes fucking devoured me, silently speaking each and every perverse thought in his mind.
I was terrified.
When we took a short break, I nearly broke down in tears and told her how uncomfortable I’d felt. My mother’s reply was simple.
Use it to your advantage.
So I did.
For the rest of my life, I followed that exact advice and learned how to manipulate others.
