by L. B. Reyes
“Hey…just checking up on you.” I nodded, forcing a smile at Lisa, who had her arms crossed over her chest. Her expression was somber, compassionate. “Blake has kicked him out, and I’ve given word that he not be allowed back.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” I replied, trying to seem unaffected.
“Of course I did. He’s a dick with a tiny dick, which is probably why he is a dick.”
I kept my serious expression for only a few seconds before I laughed. I could always count on her to say something odd and brighten up any situation. “Could you give me a ride today? It’s been a long day, and I don’t want to walk home.”
Lisa smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ve already figured it out.”
“Is Cat okay?” I asked, remembering I’d ran off without telling her anything.
“She’s fine. Blake helped her clean up.” Lisa pursed her lips together, hesitating before asking the following question. “Are you sure you’re okay, Hannah?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
***
After closing, Blake, Alyssa, and I stayed behind, helping Lisa clean up and get everything situated. Mentally, I was exhausted. I wanted to get in bed but knew as soon as my head hit the pillow, my mind would be overrun with everything that had happened. I sighed as we all walked out the restaurant, my gaze immediately falling on the familiar car parked out front.
Derek stood there, leaning against the vehicle, and smiled when he saw me.
“What is he doing here?” I whispered to Lisa.
She shrugged. “I figured you’d rather him take you home than me.”
I couldn’t help the tears that blurred my vision, couldn’t stop the need I had to receive his comfort. Throwing caution out the window, I ran to Derek, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his neck. He hugged me back without hesitation, kissing my head. This was exactly what I needed.
“Are you okay?” he whispered, his voice warm.
I nodded, a strangled sob leaving my lips. He tilted my face up, concern etched on his features when he noticed my tears. “Did he hurt you, Hannah? Are you okay?”
I wanted to tell him it had nothing to do with Eugene, that I could care less about what he thought.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t tell him a woman I’d hurt by hurting her son was dying. I couldn’t tell him guilt and regret returned, clawing at my insides and not letting me have peace. I had to hold on to a secret that didn’t belong to me, betraying those who were just starting to trust me again.
“Just take me home, Derek,” I whispered, closing my eyes as I leaned into his touch.
He nodded, leaning down and pressing a kiss to my lips. I heard the quiet chatter of those behind us, but for the first time, I didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought.
Chapter 24
Hannah
I missed Nana.
In life, I’d never cherished her; not once did I say a kind word to her, especially not as a grown up. Now, I wished I could. I wished I could hug her, apologize…tell her how much I admired her.
I wanted to tell her I never read the second letter she’d left me out of fear, though I was sure she could see how terrified I was of even touching the still-closed envelope. I sighed, glancing out the window of the small diner in which I waited for Deborah. It was raining outside, dark and gloomy, much like my emotions. Meaningful conversations had never been my forte, but now I had many of them…all the time.
“Would you like more coffee?”
The young waitress approached with a small smile, which I returned, not truly meaning it. I shook my head, taking in the sight of everyone in the small establishment. They all seemed to be having lively conversations, enjoying their time together while I…I wished I was any one of them. As much as I’d rehearsed the upcoming conversation with Deborah, I truly had no idea how it would go. And my time for practicing was over.
She spotted me immediately from the door and forced a smile as she walked toward me.
So…how exactly does one greet the mother of their ex-husband?
I tried to stand but decided not to. Then I decided it was definitely disrespectful of me not do it, so I stood, not without first hitting my knee on the table. I cursed, wincing and barely catching a glimpse of Deborah, who tried to hide her amusement.
“Hey.” I grimaced, sitting back down.
Deborah sat across from me. Her hair was up in a bun, her light makeup bringing some color to her otherwise pale face.
“Have you been waiting long?” Deborah asked, breaking the silence between us.
“No, not at all.” I cleared my throat, shifting uncomfortably in my chair.
After Deborah asked for nothing more than a glass of water, I took a deep breath, earning a questioning glance from her.
“You look terrified,” she commented.
I laughed nervously, holding onto my cup of coffee as if it could disappear me or transport me to a world where I only worried about food and sleep. “I’m not exactly known for being good at these types of conversations,” I admitted, finally meeting her eyes. They were so much like Nathan’s and Lily’s—intense, and a gray-blue that could leave anyone hypnotized.
Smiling, Deborah took a sip of her water before she set the glass down and stared at the clear liquid for a few seconds. Finally, she cleared her throat, stating something that shouldn’t have shocked me at all. “I’ve never liked you.”
“Ah…well…it doesn’t surprise me,” I said, sure my cheeks were a deep shade of red.
“I’ve been watching you, though, since you were released. That’s why I kept my distance. I didn’t want my opinion of you to be influenced by our previous interactions, so I’ve paid attention to how you behave with your sister…my son. Lily.” Deborah sat back, holding her hands out on the table. “It’s been interesting, even amusing, to be honest. It’s like watching a child learn how to walk.”
“How so?”
“It’s uncomfortable for you, isn’t it? Opening up to your family. I can tell by the way you sometimes hesitate to hug Evie or the way you try to keep conversations light and avoid sentimental things. I don’t blame you. It’s always easier that way, isn’t it?”
I shrugged, feeling slightly embarrassed that despite my past attitudes, I was still so easy to read. “It’s the way I was raised.”
Pleased with my response, Deborah nodded. “But you have changed…haven’t you?”
“I like to think I have,” I replied. “I’m trying to fix what I messed up.”
The statement earned a smile. Her eyes lit up with my simple words, and she looked around, searching for what to say.
Nervous, I reminded myself to say what I hadn’t said to her quite yet. I’d never managed to apologize to her or her husband for the pain I had caused her family. After all, it was their son I’d hurt, and the woman they saw as a daughter.
“Which brings me to the apology I still owe you,” I stated. By her expression, I could tell I’d caught her off-guard. Her eyes widened, and soon she let out a long, deep breath. “I know I should have done it as soon as I was released, but I just…I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s weird to think back and realize all the things I did, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry. I—”
“Stop it.” She laughed softly. “Jesus, you’re exactly like Evelyn sometimes. I’ve noticed. I’m not here to get you to you apologize. I don’t need an apology. In fact, that’s precisely why I kept my distance from you.” I furrowed my eyebrows, not quite understanding what she meant. “Anyone can apologize, Hannah. I wanted to see the change, and I have. You are completely different from when I met you.”
“Then I don’t understand what this is about,” I said. “I know about the cancer, and I won’t say anything, but why did you want us to meet?”
“Because I want to give you one piece of advice, Hannah, not as your former mother-in-law, but as a friend, maybe even as the mother you deserved but never had.”
An unfami
liar form of nostalgia stirred, making me try my best to hide the pain the words caused. Maybe I had deserved better.
“You are very brave and smart. I apologize for speaking about your mother after her death, but I truly mean no harm when I say that you accomplished something she never did: getting your life back on track.” She stretched out her hand to mine, and I stared at it numbly, until I understood she wanted me to hold it. I hesitated but took it anyway. “Do you want to know the one thing I wish now that I’m sick again?”
“What is it?”
A sad smile spread across her face, and my heart constricted. This was a moment I never had the chance to share with anyone. Not with my grandmother, not with my mother. They’d passed without giving a proper goodbye. This felt so much like one.
“It feels like you have time, and it feels like it’ll never run out. But Hannah, there’s not enough time to tell those who you love how you feel. Life is gone in the blink of an eye; one day you’re as happy as you can be, the next the people you love are gone.” With a compassionate expression, Deborah said the following words, words that would forever change the way I viewed life: “I don’t think you’re telling those around you how much you love them, dear.”
Far too stunned to speak, I simply stared at her, knowing every word that left her mouth was true.
“I see the way you try to hold back,” she continued, something close to pity in her face. “You’re scared, terrified, and it’s okay, especially after the things you have been through, maybe even things you saw in prison. But you’re here now, Hannah. Tell your sister you love her, tell her how much you care for her. Tell Carter you appreciate him and love him for being there for you.” She leaned in, squeezing my hand gently. “Tell him how you feel. The time for apologies is over, my dear. There is no weakness in showing those you love that you care.”
The woman managed to read me quicker than I could ever read myself. I blinked, attempting to keep the tears at bay despite my vision already being blurred. Perhaps she didn’t realize it, but she was telling me what I’d never heard before and desperately needed to know.
It’s okay to love.
And it’s okay to show it.
***
Derek
I arrived at my apartment after a long day at work. Hannah was off, and the day dragged the fuck on without her there. She hadn’t messaged me much at all during the day, and I figured it was because she was with Lily or Evelyn planning something crazy. I took a seat on the sofa, running my hands over my face.
The new employees were learning quickly, especially Cat, who trusted Hannah more than anyone else in the restaurant. On the days Hannah wasn’t there, she was quieter, to the point we didn’t know whether she was there. It was clear she’d been through a lot of shit that affected the way she interacted with others.
I was so deep in my thoughts, I didn’t hear the knocking at the door until it got louder, desperate. Confused, I walked to the door.
Hannah stood there with an unsure expression on her face, her chest heaving as if she’d run all the way upstairs. She was soaked, the rain outdoors clearly having done a number on her by the way the white shirt she wore clung to her body.
“Hey.” She waved awkwardly, smiling. Almost. It looked like a grimace.
“Hey,” I replied, leaning in and placing a kiss on her forehead. “What are you doing here?”
Hannah’s eyes widened slightly, and her lips parted before a small laugh escaped. “I don’t know, ha…I’ve no clue, actually.”
I frowned. She was being odd…nervous. Something was going on. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Totally.” She shrugged, brushing a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. “I just wanted to say hi, so…hi.”
Hannah took a step back, waving once again. “I’ve said hi now, so I’ll leave.”
“Do you want to come in?” I asked, in a failed attempt to get her to tell me what was going on.
“No.” She laughed, her eyes wide as if the suggestion was a crazy one and her voice high-pitched. “No. Not at all. I’ll just go…now…bye.”
Without letting me say another word, Hannah turned around and walked away. I got the impression she didn’t want to speak to anyone, at least not yet, about whatever bothered her. I sighed, watching as she turned the corner and disappeared before I closed the door and took out my phone. I went to her contact and sent her a quick message, letting her know I was there for her whenever she needed it, but she never replied.
It wasn’t even a few minutes later when there was another knock at the door. I smiled, knowing it was her yet again.
“Hey—”
“You know what, I do have a question,” she stated, walking past me and into the apartment. I closed the door, surprised to have her barge in like that. “It’s kind of a stupid question, and maybe it’s not the time yet to ask it, but it’s driving me fucking insane.”
“Okay.” I raised an eyebrow, thinking she was going to need more encouragement, but to my surprise, she didn’t need any.
“Do you love me?”
Chapter 25
Hannah
The question was unexpected; I saw the shock written all over Derek’s face. I couldn’t hold it back any longer, though, not after my talk with Deborah.
There was a certain fear in my voice when I spoke, an uncertainty I hadn’t thought about before I asked. Derek opened his mouth to talk, but I stopped him, raising my hand. “Do you love me? Like, not love me but in love with me? It’s soon. I know we’ve only been together for a bit, and after all the shit we’ve been through, I don’t expect you to love me, but it would be quite nice if you did, you know? But you haven’t said it, so I don’t know if you do. And it sucks.” I laughed humorlessly, taking in Derek’s stunned expression. My rant showed no signs of stopping, though. And just when I thought I’d be able to pull off my following words without showing how vulnerable I felt, my voice broke. “It sucks because every day, every second I am with you, the words are at the tip of my tongue, and I can’t say them, because I don’t know if you’re ready.”
Derek tilted his head to the side, his green eyes roaming my face and analyzing my nervous gestures with caution. Considering how open I was being about the subject, he probably thought I was drunk, but he appeared otherwise unfazed. Maybe he didn’t care.
“I can’t…I don’t know how to keep this in anymore, Derek,” I said, blinking away my tears. “It’s here.” My hand went up to my chest, feeling the crazy beating of my heart. “It won’t stop, and the feeling is so strong it hurts. It’s too much.”
He cleared his throat, remaining composed. I couldn’t read him, couldn’t tell if he was feeling anything at all. “What is it that you’re feeling?”
I scoffed, running my hands through my hair, almost pulling at it desperately. “Are you serious? Do you not understand what I’m trying to say?”
“You’re rambling.” He raised an eyebrow. “It’s hard to understand what you’re saying when you’re going around in circles.”
I stepped forward, shoving him with my hands. Derek didn’t budge a single inch, which suddenly angered me. I was struggling with my words, trying to find strength to tell him how I felt, and he was so at ease it was disturbing. “You’re kidding me right now, aren’t you? You can’t be serious.”
He shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. “You could be struggling with the three words you always struggle with.”
“What?”
“You typically struggle to say, ‘I want cheesecake.’ Isn’t it that? Or what are you talking about?”
Sighing, I stepped back, needing some room to breathe. Derek’s piercing gaze followed my every movement; I could feel it. “You’re not stupid. I don’t know why you don’t get it,” I muttered.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re being clear.”
I glared at Derek, a groan of frustration leaving my lips. “Not being clear?” I snapped, raising my voice. “What don’t you get? Because I think
I am being very clear with this conversation, but you don’t seem to understand.”
“Then explain yourself.”
It all bubbled over then. It was as if my emotions could no longer be held back; they needed to be out in the open. What was the point of keeping it all hidden anyways? It did no good. At least if I said it, he’d know.
“I love you! There it is, I said it. You happy now?” Derek didn’t seem impressed, but I was too far gone. “It’s been driving me crazy not to say when we’re together because I feel like you love me too, yet the words haven’t left your mouth. And…I just…I can’t hold it in anymore because I feel like I’m going to fucking explode.”
Reality dawned on me. I’d said it.
It was out in the open, no longer a secret. And it felt good.
“You don’t understand how hard it is to not tell you how I feel,” I continued, hearing the desperation that seeped through in my tone. “I keep wondering if you’re ready, or if you’d believe me if I say it, because I have fucked up literally everything good in my life, including our relationship.” A flicker of disappointment crossed his face, tearing through the serious facade. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish to be with you every single morning…every single day.”
“Where is this coming from?” he asked, his eyes narrowed.
I scoffed. “It’s coming from the past years in which I’ve held back every single thing I’ve felt,” I answered. “And I love you. I’ve longed to say that for years, Derek. I’ve wanted to tell you how insane you drive me, how I wish for you every time I am alone. I’ve never known how to. And today I kept thinking how if we were to die tomorrow, I would have never told you how much you mean to me. How the love I feel for you takes my breath away, how it’s so strong it weakens me. And you need to know that. You deserve to know it. Even if you can’t love me like you did before, I will love enough for the both of us because I’m not holding back again.”
