by David Mamet
A: Yup. Up Morristown. You know that.
B: Yup.
A: Yuh.
B: Up to Morristown.
A: Yuh. (Pause.)
B: I heard it's going to frost tonight.
A: They had a fellow, Connie Barr . . .
B: Yuh.
A: You remember Connie?
B: Yes, I do.
A: His sister lost her watch, he found it with a dowsing stick.
B: Who was his sister?
A: Eunice Craft.
B: The Craft girls . . . ?
A: No. She married Billy Craft.
B: She married Billy.
A: Yessir.
B: D'I know her?
A: I think you did.
B: Mm.
A: Lost her watch, he found it.
B: With a dowsing stick?
A: Uh-huh.
B: Where was it?
A: In the field.
B: In plain sight?
A: I don't think so. Cause she'd lost it for a month.
B: She had?
A: Yeh.
B: And he found it?
A: Yes. He did.
B: Most like he put it there.
A: Well, that's what we thought at the time, but he held out he found it dowsing.
B: How about that now.
A: And I think that he did.
B: Well, you know, the things that you see, it makes you think that maybe there's something to everything.
A: Now, by God, that's the truth.
B: Mm?
A: Yessir.
B: Ayuh.
DEER DOGS
Two men, Larry and Bunchy, at a country store. There are also a couple of onlookers.
Larry: Dog's runnin deer it should be shot.
Bunchy: But who's to tell it's runnin deer?
Law says you see a dog in pursuit of a deer you can shoot him. Who's to say it's . . . wait, wait, you take Dave here: Keeps his dog tied up. One day th’ dog, say Larry Thompson s dog, is runnin by—Dave's dog gets loose . . . Larry's dog runnin deer. Someone sees it and, down the road later on, Larry's dog and Dave's dog. What does he do? Shoot'em both.
Larry: How did Dave's dog get loose?
Bunchy: . . . I'm saying a dog which is usually tied down, Dave's dog . . .
Larry: How did it get loose?
Bunchy: I'm saying one day when it is loose . . . I don't know how it got loose . . .
Larry: And was it runnin deer . . . ?
Bunchy: No.
Larry: How do you know?
Bunchy: Cause it hasn't got a taste for them. It's a tame dog.
Larry: How do you know?
Bunchy: Well, now, now, now, because it is a tame dog: I, you know that dog . . .
Larry: . . . I'm . . .
Bunchy: . . . I know what you're . . .
Larry: I'm . . .
Bunchy: I know what you're, wait a second—I know what you're saying . . . that the dog is, though the dog is tame, it gets loose it starts runnin deer. Is that it?
Larry: Yes.
Bunchy: But what I'm saying, this case we know that the dog is tame. It's tame. It isn't runnin deer. Alright? It's DAVE'S DOG. It's tame. It's been tied up constantly . . .
Larry: How does it . . .
Bunchy: . . . that's not . . .
Larry: . . . how does it get loose?
Bunchy: Well, say that Dave forgot to tie it up.
Larry: And where does it go?
Bunchy: . . . I . . .
Larry: Where does it go?
Bunchy: I know what you're saying. It goes to the woods. Alright.
Larry: What is it doing there?
Bunchy: It's out. With Larry Thompson's dog.
Larry: What are they doing?
Bunchy: Larry's dog is runnin deer.
Larry: And what is Dave's dog doing?
Bunchy: I don't know.
Larry: Well, I don't know either—but I'm going to assume it's runnin deer. (Pause.)
Bunchy: Would you shoot it?
Larry: Yes, I would.
Bunchy: You'd shoot Dave's dog.
Larry: Yes. I would. (Pause.)
Bunchy: (Snorts.) You would shoot Dave's dog. (Pause.)
Larry: Yes. I would.
Bunchy: Because you know that that's the dog that'll be caught. Not Larry Thompson's dog. (Pause.) That's the dog that will be caught . . . Shoot. It's a bad law . . . I'm sorry. (Pause.) I don't like it.
Larry: You'll like it when you go out in the woods there ain't no deer . . .
Bunchy: (Pause.) Nossir. (Pause.) No sir . . . N’ I'm going to tell you one more thing: What the Law...wait a second—what the law encourages a fella to do is—I'm not saying you or me, but what it sets a man up to do is to say, “I'm going to shoot that fella's dog.” That's not right. (Pause.)
IN THE MALL
Scene: a bench in a shopping mall.
Characters: A, a sixty-year-old man. B, a thirteen-year-old boy.
B: I bet I know where you got that ice cream cone.
A: Where?
B: Down the mall.
A: That's right.
B: What did you pay for it?
A: Eighty-five cents.
B: Eighty-five cents . . .
A: That's right.
B: Is that with the tax?
A: No.
B: What is it with the tax?
A: Eighty-nine.
B: Eighty-nine. That's right. I bought one there. (Pause.) I bought one there yesterday. What kind is it?
A: What kind is it?
B: Yes.
A: Butternut.
B: Butternut. I had one. (Pause.) They made it up. They made it up I went down there the guys in there, you know, down the mall, I don't know, they want everything just like they like it, you know what I mean? I went in there my shirt off, this guy he says, “Get out.” (Pause.) I had to go. He was bigger than me—I would of wanted to smash his face in. Lots of people in there. They got a sign: “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service,” all they care, who they like. Some-body they like goes in there they give ‘em anything he wants. I bought these crackers in a store they were crushed I took ‘em back the guy said, “You ate some of ‘em.” I said I opened the box and I had a couple. “Eat the rest,” he said. I knew a fella had a dog he fed it scraps. Whatever he didn't want to eat. When he had his dinner. They got that same hat down there. Where did you get that hat? (Pause.) Where did you get that hat? Down there?
A: No.
B: Where did you get it?
A: I bought it on a trip.
B: They've got the same one down there. I like to know that. I saw a picture of this guy in there he looked like somebody I know. (Pause.) You think it's cold here?
A: No.
B: You don't?
A: No. (Long pause.)
B: Do you think it's warm? (Pause.)
A: No.
B: Well, if you don't think it's cold and it's not warm what is it? (Pause.) What is it?
A: What is it here?
B: Yeah. Huh??? I don't think it's cold. I don't care if it's cold. Anyway. I like to do things, you know, that people say that they can't do. I climbed this fence once that everyone said you can't get over. It had barb wire at the top. They make this stuff it's razors. It's a razor-ribbon you can't climb it. I went up. You hold on to the barb wire you go right over I came down on the other side. They didn't care. They said that it was stupid. I bought a pair of socks once they had stripes on top I folded ‘em down. I thought, “Maybe this is to show us where to fold.”
(A gets up.)
Where are you going?
A: Home.
B: Why?
A: Why?
B: Yeah.
A: Because I'm finished here.
B: You're finished doing what?
A: Sitting here.
B: You are?
A: Yes.
B: Do you have any money? (Pause.) I need some cause I've got to do things.
A: No. I don't have any
.
B: You don't.
A: No.
B: Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. (Pause.) Do you throw that thing away when you're done?
A: Yes.
B: Mm. Where?
A: In the wastebasket.
B: Mm. (Pause.) Mm. (A exits.) (Pause.) I had one one time . . .
MAPLE SUGARING
The sugar shack had light slanted through the vent in the roof, and white smoke billowed up.
Morris's father built the place in 1912, and Morris was stoking the fire up now with hardwood logs.
The sap was clearer than clean water and ran through the vat. There was a superfine white foam on it, and often Morris took a scoop and dipped it in the vat then let it drip to see the thickness of the sap.
His wife had made lunch. There was Canadian beer and Swiss cheese, hamburgers and cookies made with the syrup that we made yesterday. The coffee pot leaned up against the vat to keep it warm.
Everyone spoke in hushed tones. Susan had brought down her eight-month-old baby, and its grandmother, Morris's wife, set up Susan's old crib in the sugar shack.
He was asleep in the crib, and his grandmother was looking down at him. She said, “You're not the first child to nap in that crib while we were sugaring.”
Later in the woods Joe, Susan, and I were carrying the sap in pails, and she carried the baby on her back, and when we stopped to rest she nursed the child.
By four o'clock my neck hurt and I was becoming dizzy. The day had turned cold, and the sap had ceased to run. Susan went in to set up dinner, I was left with Joe. We gathered the last buckets, and I longed to go to sleep.
In the sugar shack the benches were made of wood. There was a square door on a running track to the woodshed. The sun streamed through the large vent in the roof. The people talked in whispers. The steam rose. Joe's baby was asleep.
MORRIS AND JOE
Morris said, “Joe, ‘member when we saw the bear in the tree?”
Joe smiled. “Remember when the milk froze?”
They were sitting on the step. The step had been removed from the house so they could repair the sill. It was an old house and the roof had leaked; the water ran down the post and rotted the sill. When they started the job Joe poked his pocketknife into it. It went in all the way.
The step was granite. Five-by-three. The bulldozer moved it back from the house. One corner was chipped out where there had been a bootscraper. Some hunters broke it out the year before.
Morris said, “You were shakin’, Joe.”
Joe said, “I wasn't shakin’. I was scared for you.”
“You were?”
“Yes. I know how skittish you get in moments of stress.”
“Aha.”
Joe passed his lunchbucket to Morris who took a doughnut from it.
They looked out at the woods.
“I wonder where he is,” Morris said.
“Probably up to Canada,” Joe said.
“You think so?”
“Yes.”
“Scared him within an inch of his life,” Morris said. "Uh-huh . . . ” Joe got up off the step.
“Where are you goin'?”
“I'm goin’ to pee.” Joe walked behind a stack of lumber. Morris said, “Yessir, I hope he's back to Canada!”
“And why is that?” Joe said.
“'Cause he comes down here once again he better shake with fear. ‘Cause he knows in America—he threatens our estates—there's not a man jack isn't ready to shoot himself in the foot.”
“Do you remember when the milk froze?” Joe said.
“Yessir. Smack in the foot,” Morris said.
"Susan reminded me of that,” Joe said. “That time that Morris cleaned the tank out.” Joe came back buttoning up his fly. “How lovely all the driveway looked covered in milk . . . ”
“You want some coffee?” Morris said.
“ . . . and how proud we were to defend you,” Joe said, “from all that pernicious talk that you were drunk.”
“People can sure be thoughtless,” Morris said.
“That is the truth.”
“Take you and that bear, frinstance,” Morris said. “No mercy to dumb animals; just a display of wrath, and one man hopping with a .22 Long in his foot.”
“I only hit the boot,” Joe said.
“You want another cup of coffee?”
“No thanks.”
Morris stretched and stood up. He closed his lunchpail. “Yessir!”
“You want me to go back to those left joists this afternoon?” Joe said.
“How many more you got to do?”
“Just the two.”
“Might as well go do ‘em.”
They stood for a moment and looked at the sky. Joe sighed. “He sure was pretty singing in that tree.”
“Yes. He was,” Morris said.
“Where do you think he is today?”
“I'm sure he's back in Canada.”
Morris spat on the ground. “Yup,” he said.
“Yessir,” Joe said. They went back into the house.
The Dog
The Dog, Film Crew, and Four A.M. were first presented at Jason's Park Royal in New York as part of the Three by Three program on July 14, 1983, with the following cast directed by Joe Cacaci:
The Dog
Film Crew
Four A.M.
John Savoia
Brian Smiar
Bill Cwikowski
John Savoia
Michael Wikes
Talk about a dog! Talk about a precious animal! A little fluffball. A furry little nothing. But ballsy as a paratrooper.
He's tough, but I'm tougher. Benjy may be tough but I'm yet tougher.
Go after dogs twice his size. Three, four times his size. Go right up to ‘em. Sniff ‘em. Smell ‘em up and down . . .
He growls, bares his teeth.
He scares ‘em. He's little, but goddamn it if he's not a scrapper. And they know it. Damn right they do, too.
Sensitive?
He's more sensitive than most people. Makes most people look sick, he's so sensitive. In tune like a human.
He picks up on things, too.
I come home, he meets me at the door. Grinning, breathing fast, he's glad to see me.
I go to hang up my coat, and what do I find? The little pisser has shit on the floor! He's crossed me. My best friend has crossed me.
So I go over to him, he's grinning like a sonofabitch, and I say sit. And he sits down and cocks his head, wondering what's up.
I make a fist, and lean over and whack the shit outta him. He goes clear across the room and just lays there on his side.
So then I say get up and he gets up. And I say sit and he sits down again and I walk over to him.
So he's purebred, he's no dummy. And he figures maybe I'm going to knock him around again, and he's a little scared.
But he hangs right in there.
I say stay. And it's like he's glued to the floor. He'd sit there for a year if I didn't tell him different.
So I go over and get a chair and bring it back and put it right in front of him. I sit down, lean back, and cross my legs.
I look at him. He looks at me.
After a minute or so, I lean forward and say, very reasonable and soft, I say “Don't shit on the floor. Now, get outta here.”
And I never have to say a word on the subject again.
Film Crew
Two men: Joe and Mike
Joe: Did you make this up?
Mike: No. I mean, you know, I embellished it. Yeah. I made part of it up.
Joe: Uh-huh.
Mike: The nice thing, you know, I guess I've taught it to, say ten or fifteen crews . . .
Joe: Uh-huh.
Mike: . . . over the last four years, the nice thing, I'll be out somewhere, someone will say, “I'll teach you this . . . ,” and I can trace it back. “Where did you learn it from . . . ?” and I can trace it back to, you know . . .
Joe: Yeah . . .
M
ike: To someone who I taught. (Pause.) And, you know, you play tournaments . . . and you can play for money . . .
Joe: How?
Mike: You play points.
Joe: Oh. Yeah.
Mike: Sure. And what you have left in your hand is what you're stuck with.
Joe: Whoever goes out.
Mike: Yeah. If you're stuck with fifteen points . . .
Joe: Uh-huh . . .
Mike: And you can play, you know, a dime a point, penny a point . . .
Joe: . . . yeah.
Mike: . . . buck a point. You get stuck with an ace in your hand, that's fifteen bucks right there.
Joe: Right.
Mike: One night on my last shoot . . . ?
Joe: Uh-huh?
Mike: Night shoot?
Joe: Yeah?
Mike: To get to sleep, we musta played, six, seven games. (Pause.) We were up, Jesus, till noon. I won a hundren twenty bucks.
Joe: Yeah?
Mike: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Easily. (Pause.)
Joe: Now, what's this thing with jacks?
Mike: It's simple: If you play a jack, then you must cover it. (Pause.)
Joe: Uh-huh.
Mike: With another card. (Pause.)
Joe: “Cover” it. (Pause.)
Mike: Play another card on top of it.
Joe: Right.
Mike: Of the same suit.
Joe: Right.
Mike: Or denomination.
Joe: Right. And if you can't?
Mike: You have to draw another card. But! But, of course, if you have more than one jack in your hand, then you can play that jack on it. (Pause.)
Joe: Uh-huh.
Mike: So, you'd play your jack, you have to cover it. (Pause.) Are you with me?
Joe: Yes.
Mike: Alright. You cover it with another jack, and then you have to cover it again.
Joe: Again?
Mike: Of course. Because you've played a jack.
Joe: Right. Alright.
Mike: You see?
Joe: Yes.
Mike: It's still a jack.
Joe: Yes. Right.
Mike: And you can play as many jacks as you've got in your hand, with, of course, with two decks, that's eight jacks. If you have them in your hand.
Joe: And you cover the last card.
Mike: Yes. Now. Now: For each jack you play, you skip one man. (Pause.)
Joe: Uh-huh.
