by J Wells
“I’ll kill him! Wait till I get my hands on him, Tash, I’ll kill him!” I can hear the anger in her voice. “Can’t trust any goddamn man and I knew I was right about Josh; there was something about him I just didn’t like.” I hear the jangle of keys. “Tash, stay where you are, I’ll come and get you. Tell me where you are, sit tight and I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”
I’m shaking my head. “Don’t worry, I’ll get a taxi.”
“Not in the state you’re in. Your address,” she repeats.
“Fordwickston Hall, Staffordshire. Do you need the postcode?”
“No, I know where that is, I’ll be with you in about an hour. Make your way towards the staff car park, I’ll be waiting there.”
“Danielle.”
“Yes?”
There’s a short silence, and I swallow hard.
“Thank you.”
I hang up, flicking my phone onto silent mode.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get down, it’s not safe! What you trying to do, kill yourself?” It’s Josh.
“Piss off, go back to Michelle!”
“I’ve sent her home,” he calls back.
“Yeah, whatever!” I launch the half-empty bottle of champagne between the branches at Josh’s head, missing him by inches.
“Fucking hell! Tash, I’m coming up.”
Hearing heavy footsteps, my gaze lifts and I see him standing on the small wooden veranda staring down at me.
My eyes well up with tears.
“Josh, how could you?”
If it were possible for a heart to shatter, then that’s what mine was doing. I bow my head and stare into my lap. I hate him so much right now I can’t bring myself to look at him.
I hear him take a couple of steps on the uneven wooden beams. I see his shoes as he kneels down at my side and I feel his hand on my shoulder, which I shrug away.
“I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for this to happen.”
I snort back my tears. “Ten years, Josh, ten goddamn years.”
I glance up for a second. The small amber freckle on his cheek is now just a funny-shaped smudge and no longer resembles a heart.
“You look like a stranger, Josh. Who are you?” I screw up my nose. “Ten years of my life and it feels like I don’t know you any more.”
“You’re telling me.” Again, his hand slides its way onto my shoulder. “Twenty-seven years and I don’t know me!”
“What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you on your knees begging for my forgiveness? Why aren’t you telling me she was a mistake and it’s me you want? Why aren’t you holding me and telling me we can get through this together?”
Here I am doing exactly what I told Adrianna not to do with Danielle. A cheat and a liar seemed stupid to forgive at the time, but I was so judgemental, unwilling to listen or to understand how she felt. I glance up at Josh, the face I’ve known for what seems like forever. It’s so easy to comment on somebody else’s life when you’re on the outside looking in, but now that I find myself in the same position as Adrianna I realise this situation is far from black and white.
“Okay, Tash, tell me, what will that achieve? Let’s say you forgive me, put it down to a mistake and the wedding goes ahead. We might be able to brush it under the carpet, but your family won’t; they’ll always hate me for this, and they’ll drum it into your head that you can do so much better than me… Deep down you’ll never trust me, you’ll always be secretly checking my phone, my emails and wondering where I’ve got to when I’m late back from work. As for me…” He shrugs. “I’ll never stop thinking about Michelle, she’d always be the one that got away.” He shakes his head. “It’s no good, Tash, I can’t pretend the past three weeks haven’t happened because they have. I can’t undo this, and to be honest I don’t want to. I love the girl.”
I toss my head in the air. “I thought you loved me.”
“I do love you, Tash, with all my heart, but the difference is I’m in love with her.”
“I don’t understand how this has happened; we’ve done nothing but talk about the wedding, our future together, America and us starting a family.”
But I’m not looking into the warm eyes of the Josh I knew, but ones that are cold and unfeeling.
“Natasha, we have no future, and I never want kids, not with you or anyone.”
In this moment realisation hits hard; there’s nothing left. My shoulders drop, and my thoughts divert to Angela and Hughie.
“What about your parents? Have you told them?”
He blows out. “No, and I really don’t know how to; they’ll be devastated.” He shakes his head. “That’s an understatement; I know how much they love you, both of them. So it’s not something I can bring up over the phone. Let them have their trip and enjoy it none the wiser; I’ll break it to them when they get back from the States.”
I don’t know what to say, and so look down at my feet. You could cut the silence with a knife, it’s so awkward, and ten or fifteen minutes pass with neither of us uttering a word.
Eventually, I turn my head and give him a sideward glance.
“When were you planning on telling me?”
“I was going to tell you everything when I landed, but with the flight being delayed, your mum’s birthday and then Adrianna’s little performance … I just never found the right time.”
“Was there ever going to be a right time?”
He shakes his head. “No…” He drops his eyes from mine. “I was going to tell you tomorrow. None of this was planned, Michelle and I were never meant to happen; it was like I got up one morning and she spun into my life, like a whirlwind, and blew me away. Everything just happened so quickly.”
“You’re telling me!”
“That’s just it, Tash, she’s everything you’re not.”
“Yeah, a tart that sleeps with another woman’s fiancé,” I snap.
“Don’t blame Michelle; if you want to blame anyone, blame me, because before I slept with her I told her we were over.”
I can hardly manage a breath in. I gathered they must have slept together, but him actually sitting next to me and telling me is something else. My eyes trace his silhouette. My man has slept with another woman. I look at his narrow lips, lips that have kissed her lips the same way they used to kiss mine. I glance down at his fingers and shudder, imagining them touching her. My eyes wander to the left and I’m staring at his crotch. My face is breaking into a cold sweat. I can’t do this, I can’t go there.
Wiping my forehead with the back of my hand, I drag my fingers through my hair and toss it over my shoulder.
“Why, Josh?” I blink, forcing away my tears. “We were happy; the wedding, the honeymoon, it’s all booked.” I want answers.
“Spontaneity; it’s something you’ve never had. Talk about playing around with someone’s feelings, you’ve played around with mine. I had to wait two years before you even told me you loved me, and eight years after that I had to literally force our engagement down your throat. It’s like I’ve been the one always hanging round for you, for you to decide what you want and when you want it. Maybe that’s why. We’ve lost that magic spark we once had.”
“Bullshit! That’s just your excuse to have an affair behind my back. Is that the best you can come up with?”
He rubs his fingers down the sides of his face.
“I met Michelle, and it might sound like a cliché, but I woke up. I stood in front of the mirror in my hotel room and thought, what about me? What do I want out of life? And what I wanted I knew you didn’t; you didn’t want to leave England and move to America.”
“What do you mean? I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you.”
“Don’t lie to me; I heard you crying down the phone to Adrianna and I heard what you said. You didn’t want to come to Florida. You’re happy to plod your way through life; you haven’t got the ambition or the dreams that I have. You’re quite happy here, living in the same
house on the same insignificant street for the rest of your life. Well, that might be okay for you, but it’s not enough for me. I think I needed the job, Florida; it’s made me open my eyes, see things differently. It’s a shame and I’m sorry, but Peter went to America and grew up, whereas Wendy stayed behind in Derby, quite happy in her own little Neverland.”
I turn my back on his words and get to my feet. I head for the ladder to get me down and out of here, but his hand brushes my arm, his fingers circle my wrist and he pulls me towards him.
“I’m so sorry, Tash.”
I can hear the break in his voice, but I can’t stand here, him holding me and me holding him back. He’s said what he had to say and it’s too late for tears; any tears I do cry I intend to cry alone.
“Don’t, Josh.”
I shake myself free of his hands and scramble down the rickety wooden ladder. The bottle of champagne had landed on the grass so wasn’t broken. Scooping it up, I gulp back the remainder and then run through the darkness. Breathless, I sink down on one of the swings in the adventure playground. Pushing off wood chippings with my feet, I close my eyes on my life and for a few precious seconds enjoy the freedom of the wind rushing through my hair.
“You ain’t got a bad left hook.”
I open my eyes.
“Haven’t you got the message? Just leave me alone.”
He rubs the top of his cheek.
“Think it’s just starting to bruise.”
I stamp my feet on the floor and the swing comes to a halt.
“Josh, what do you want?”
“I need to sort out picking my stuff up from the house.”
“Consider it done; it’ll be sorted and in bin liners on the lawn tomorrow. Guess I could drop it round at your mum and dad’s; I’m meant to be feeding their fish.”
“No need, I’ll be staying there so you don’t need to worry about the fish.” He stands in silence for a moment. “I was just wondering if there was anything of ours you’d like to keep?”
“There’s only one thing that’s precious to me and only one thing I want.”
“Anything.” His thin lips turn into a half-smile.
“My dog. I’ll take him back home with me to Mum and Dad’s.”
“Larry’s yours, and there’s no need.” He pauses. “The house...”
I loosen the chains of the swing, clasping my hands in my lap.
“What about the house?”
“I paid the mortgage off this morning, it’s yours; I thought under the circumstances it was the least I could do.”
I roll my eyes. “Great, that’s made me so happy,” I spit out. “The Mercedes, it’ll be parked on the drive. I’ll leave the keys in an envelope under the doormat.”
“No, the car was a present from Dad; that’s nothing to do with me.”
It seems that everything we needed to say has been said. He lowers himself onto the swing at my side, kicking his legs. I kick my legs too and we swing in sync.
“This isn’t easy for me either, Tash; it’s not just your ten years, it’s mine that I’m kissing goodbye to and by God it hurts.”
We’re so close, yet it feels like there’s a huge void between us. He reaches his hand towards me. It’s an automatic response as my fingers link together with his. It’s not only my eyes that sting, not only my tears that fall. Hand in hand we swing in the darkness. The realisations hits us, for we both know this is the last thing we’ll ever do together as a couple.
I have no idea how much time passes before he slowly releases my hand and stands up.
“Here, I picked this up; it’s one thing I’d like you to keep, if for nothing else then for old times’ sake.”
He takes my wrist, turns my hand palm up and drops my engagement ring into it. He passes me the briefest of smiles and then walks away, disappearing between the trees and their nightly shadows.
I turn the torch on my phone and gaze down at the small diamond solitaire. I see the way the light manipulates its appearance, creating a totally unique pattern. I watch the beautiful stone as it changes in an instant, much like the path of my life.
I check my phone. Shit! There are eight missed calls and three texts from Danielle. I pull up her number and dial.
I feel the car slow as we approach a speed camera. I’m leaning forward with my head resting in my hands, feeling totally empty as I stare out of the window.
“An hour I’ve walked around that bloody house.”
Danielle’s voice pulls me from my thoughts.
“Sorry, my phone was on silent, I didn’t think.”
“Suppose you’d best come back to ours, at least for tonight.” Danielle’s eyes shift to me from the rear-view mirror. “I can sort through the wardrobe for the fold-down bed; I’m sure there’s a couple of spare blankets knocking about, though not sure about pillows. But no worries, you can have one of mine.”
“No, I couldn’t possibly, I’d feel like I was intruding. You and Adrianna have enough going on at the moment.”
“Don’t be daft.”
“I’m being serious.”
“Okay, so what about your mum and dad’s? I could drop you off there.”
“God no, I can’t go into everything that’s happened tonight, and Mum after a drink, she’ll be a nightmare.”
“Well, you’d better come up with something, because I’m not taking you home.”
Think, Tash, think, there’s got be somewhere I can go. Darcy springs to mind, then so does the split with her boyfriend; she has her own mess to sort out.
“Tick-tock, Tash, I’m waiting.”
She’s steering with one hand and strumming her fingers against her thigh with the other.
I look up and see the illuminated road sign to Matlock; the turn-off is in half a mile.
“Take me to Gabriel’s,” I blurt out.
“Gabriel? Gabriel the painter?”
I nod. I literally plucked his name out of thin air, but I can’t think of anywhere else to go.
“Yeah, he’s a friend.”
“Tash, are you sure? It’s no problem for me to take you back to ours.”
“Honestly…” I pause. “You’ve done enough. It was really nice of you to come and collect me.”
I reach past the gearstick and squeeze her knee.
“Do you need directions?”
Taking her eyes off the road briefly she glances at me and then shakes her head.
“Nah, that won’t be necessary; I’ve dropped Adrianna off there a couple of times.”
We park up outside Gabriel’s. His house is almost lost in darkness. To be honest I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I make my way across the front lawn to the gate that’ll lead me through to the back garden.
With both hands in front of me, I feel my way between the bushes and plants and then up to the conservatory door. On the off chance of it being open, I pull the handle down. It’s locked. I tap on the glass with my knuckles, take a step back and wait. Hearing nothing, I knock harder but still nothing. I continue to knock and press my face against the glass, peering inside. Running out of ideas, I glance at the time on my phone: 2 a.m.! What was I thinking? Why didn’t I just go with Danielle? I’m tempted to ring her, get her to turn around and come back to get me. I decide to give it one more attempt, but this time I hammer on the glass so hard I can feel it vibrate.
I hear a noise to my left as a small conservatory window opens. I let out a long sigh of relief.
I jump back, tripping down the paved steps. I can hardly see, and I’m drenched with freezing-cold water. I notice the shadow of Gabriel’s face and his shoulders behind the glass.
“Piss off,” he yells, “or I’m calling the police!”
Water drips off my hair and runs down my face. Drying my eyes with my hands, I look up.
“Gabriel, for God’s sake, it’s me.”
“Natasha? Why didn’t you say?”
“You didn’t give me a chance, and you’ve almost drowned me. What the hell yo
u got back there, a bucket?”
“No, I grabbed a saucepan from the kitchen. Anyway, what do you expect, banging like you were at this time of the morning? I thought you were a burglar.”
“Well I’m not,” I huff, “so just open the door, will you?”
The window closes and I hear the key turn in the lock.
“You’d best come inside.” His voice is soft, almost apologetic.
I follow Gabriel’s dark silhouette through the conservatory into the dining room. He flicks a switch and a small lamp lights up on the table. I look at him, then quickly look away. All he’s wearing is a pair of black boxers.
“Why are you here?” he quizzes, rubbing his eyes.
I’m not sure if the words or tears come first, it all comes out in a jumble. I can’t seem to keep still; I’m shivering from shock and the cold water. I collapse on the floor in a heap and only lift my head slightly on feeling Gabriel’s arms pulling me into him. His warm skin and his scent feel somewhat comforting.
“Have you got a drink, Gabriel? Anything, preferably something strong.”
Holding my hands, he pulls me to my feet, and supporting me he walks us over to a chair and sits me down.
“Maybe a tot of whisky; it’s supposed to be good for shock. Just give me a sec while I go and put some clothes on.”
I sit playing with my phone, send Danielle a quick text, thanking her for everything and telling her I’m okay and have a warm bed for the night, so there’s no need for her to worry or tell Adrianna.
“Here, a drop of my best malt.”
He walks towards me in a pair of grey joggers and a white vest, a black towel slung over his shoulder and a stubby glass in his hand.
“Thought you might be needing this.”
He throws the towel into my lap, which I rub over my face and hair.
“Is this to do with that bloke of yours?” I see his eyes narrow as he probes; pulling a chair towards me, he sits down. “You seemed happy enough last time we spoke.”
“We were…” I raise my eyebrows. “Well, I thought we were.”
“Okay, so what happened?”
My gaze drops. “If I knew I’d tell you.” I lean my elbows on the table, looking across into his eyes. “But I don’t. He said I wasn’t spontaneous enough and he’d outgrown me, whatever that’s supposed to mean.” I shrug, lifting my glass, and take large gulps of whisky; it makes me wretch.
