by J Wells
We managed to smile and put on a show for Danielle and Adrianna’s sake, but they could clearly see through us. There was no small talk about our weekend over a cup of tea; they just picked up the few belongings they’d brought with them and left.
Gabriel had paid the taxi driver to keep the meter running. He picked up Mr Pooch, her lead and food bowl and was about to walk through the front door when he stopped and turned back.
“Please reconsider…”
I shake my head.
“But a year’s a bloody long time and I really think we could have something good together. How about you make us a drink and I’ll tell the taxi to go? We can talk for a while.”
“There’s no point. The problem’s not just kids, it’s everything, and it’s too soon after Josh anyway… At the moment, I don’t know my own mind; I need to be single.”
“You mean you want to sleep around?”
“No, I don’t mean that at all, and that just shows how much you know me. There’s only ever been Josh and Natasha. I need to find out who Natasha is and what Natasha wants…” I take a long breath. “Gabriel, just get in the taxi and go home. If in twelve months we are meant to be, then we will be, and for all the right reasons.”
Our goodbye is to share a three-way cuddle with Mr Pooch, the added bonus being her metal food bowl digging into my back. But as one we stand together in the open doorway, neither of us uttering a word. As his arms tighten around me I can’t help wondering if this will be the last time we see each other.
A year after the break, Gabriel and I were supposed to meet up; but he never rang or text so the meeting never came to fruition. I guessed like Josh, he’d met someone else and moved on, whilst little old me was still on her own and somehow I couldn’t see things changing.
After Josh and I split up I changed my relationship status on Facebook from engaged to single, then pressed my finger on the delete button. He was no longer a friend, and from that day on I never looked at his profile. To make sure he couldn’t find me, I also changed the surname on my account.
Feeling rather nosey one evening I looked Gabriel up but didn’t have the courage to add him as a friend; the thought of scrolling down and seeing pictures of him with his arms round someone else... All I was able to see when I searched for Gabriel Owens was his profile picture; I guess he hadn’t forgotten me, as it was the one I took of us, or should I say our feet, on the London Eye, looking down at our vast city with its breathtaking attractions.
So much had happened in the last year and half. I was true to my word and boarded the cruise ship bound for the Caribbean; the further away I got from England, the better I felt. During my time at sea I became an Aunty. Danielle was more than happy to step up and stand in for me as birthing partner, and as for Adrianna, she knew what a mess my life was, so when I told her I was going away for a while she understood. My sister gave birth to a baby boy, Logan Herbie Smith, weighing in at an impressive 11lb 2oz. Danielle emailed me a picture moments after he was born, and for once Adrianna’s hand wasn’t covering her face; she was waving. She looked exhausted but so happy, skin to skin with her newborn. I couldn’t see much of his face, just a mop of black hair.
I kept in touch with Angela and Hughie by monthly emails, and told them all the beautiful places I’d stopped off at and some of the things I got up to when I clocked off from my shift, but I didn’t tell them that I had returned home almost a year earlier. I wouldn’t say I hadn’t enjoyed the cruise, but I couldn’t do a full year at sea and so flew home. My emails telling of my travels from then on were fictitious. As much as I loved them, there was no way I could ever imagine seeing them again the way things were.
Somehow Stephan got wind that I was back in the country, so I received numerous texts from him saying the flat and job in Manchester were still mine if I wanted them. That left me in a quandary with many things to consider, and I asked if he’d give me a little more time.
Adrianna and Danielle were finding it a bit cramped, living in their one-bedroom flat with the baby suffering from bouts of colic and crying for hours. Why did I, with no partner and no family, need a three-bedroom house of my own? I didn’t, so I called round one Sunday afternoon unexpectedly for a cup of tea and handed the house over to them. I moved my things out, and the following weekend Larry and I moved in with Mum and Dad. I could tell Danielle felt awkward; I guess it’s not every day someone hands you a house for free. She said she wanted to give me something, a small token to thank me at least, but I told her to keep whatever money she was thinking of giving me and open a bank account for Logan instead.
Dad was unable to talk Mum into making an appointment at the doctors to sort out her alcohol problem. Over the last few months things had only got worse, and she seemed to be having difficulty handling life, alcohol being her crutch. As for Dad, he was still tending to Gabriel’s garden, even though he’d more than worked off what he owed for Adrianna’s portrait. Now Gabriel was paying money into his account each month for him to keep things neat and tidy until the house was sold. I couldn’t get used to seeing the ‘For Sale’ sign standing at the end of his driveway, and still couldn’t believe that Gabriel and Mr Pooch wouldn’t be pottering round inside.
1st December 2015
The heating’s on full blast and it’s freezing outside. I’m curled up like a cat in my pink towelling dressing gown. The armchair creaks as I sit forward and peer out of the window. The grass, the trees and the cobwebs that hang from them are all a perfect white, peppered with frost. It’s like a magical winter wonderland.
It may be early, but I’m sitting with a big smile on my face watching Dad putting up the last of the Christmas decorations. The fibre optic tree, with its silver tinsel and crumpled star perched on top, was a little something me and Adrianna put together as kids and without fail it came out every year. It was so nice to actually see it for myself again, rather than being oceans away from the family.
At this time of year Mum insists on having scented candles scattered around the place; she says the scent of cinnamon is Christmassy, so while she spent the afternoon at Sylvia’s, Dad offered to pop down the shops and buy some candles and a couple of garlands to hang on the front and back doors.
He flicks the switch on the base of the tree and a rainbow of colours flickers. He gets up from his knees and steps back.
“Right, think I’m about done here,” he says, rubbing his hands together, seemingly pleased with himself. “Is there anything you’d like from the shops while I’m out?” He rifles through the pocket of his jacket and pulls out his wallet.
“No thanks.” I shake my head.
He licks his finger and starts counting his notes.
“I think I might take a slight detour on the way.”
I frown. “A detour?”
“Yes. I’ll just run upstairs and get my camera, if I can find where your mother’s buried it in the wardrobe,” he chortles.
He’s lost me. Why does he need a camera when he’s going out to buy candles?
“You’ll be lucky if it still works; you haven’t used that old thing in years.”
“We’ll give it a try, I’ve got nothing to lose. Gabriel’s garden’s a photographer’s dream, and if I get some good shots I could enter them into the Gardeners’ Weekly magazine competition. I think the prize is five hundred pounds.”
“As if they’re going to hand five hundred pounds over to you when you’re a professional photographer.”
“Well there’s no harm in it; I think I’ll give it a go. I can always send the entry in under your mum’s name.”
“Dad, you get worse. Anyway, whatever. What time will you be back?”
He stands for a while as if in thought.
“What time is Jenny coming?”
“Three-ish…”
“Okay,” he utters, pushing his wallet back into his pocket. “If I get a move on I should be back for then.”
“Why do you need to get the candles today? And why do you need to t
ake pictures? It’s not like the berries are going to fall off Gabriel’s holly bushes overnight; you could go tomorrow or the next day.”
I see the change of expression on his face and it clicks. Josh.
“You’re going out today simply to avoid seeing him?”
His lips sit tight for a couple of seconds, and he doesn’t answer.
“Well?”
“You’re damn right I want to get out of the house. I can’t be in the same room as that man.” He frowns, looking at me under his eyes. “It looks like you’ve made up your mind; well I’ve made up mine too, and I’m getting out of here. If you need anything, remember your Mum’s only next door and I’ve got my phone on me.”
“Okay thanks, Dad, but I’m sure I’ll be okay.”
Holding my face between his hands, he kisses my forehead.
“Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”
I nod; he offers me a weak smile and walks out of the lounge. Larry’s lying on the rug by the fire, his eyes closed.
I click my fingers. “Here, boy.”
He manages to open one eye and looks up at me. I get a treat from the jar under the coffee table; funny how both eyes are open now and he seems a lot more interested.
“Bye!” Dad calls from the hall.
“Yeah bye, Dad, see you later.”
I glance back to the rug for Larry, but the treat must have tempted his palate because he’s sitting next to my feet. I pass him the round chew, which he takes from my fingers enthusiastically. I pat his head and he cocks it to the side; his ears prick up and I rub the side of his neck.
“Big day for you today, boy.” I force a grin. “Big day for us both.”
I reach down, scoop him up into my arms and sit on the settee, placing him on my lap. I knew I felt tired when I woke up this morning, but hadn’t realised I’d dropped off until I’m woken by the chime of the doorbell. I peer at the clock on the mantelpiece above the fire and my heart’s in my mouth. I can hardly breathe; it’s only half eleven and he isn’t due until half twelve.
My steps to the door are apprehensive; I haven’t seen Josh in over a year. I look back into the lounge at Larry sitting on the chair and swallow hard, then stand in the hall for a second, taking at least three deep breaths before turning the small brass latch.
“Gabriel!” I gasp; his name catches in my throat.
“Better late than never,” he says.
His eyes are bright and wide, and he holds his arms out, I presume for me to run into. But I stay where I am and the smile on his face straightens.
“I was kind of hoping you’d be pleased to see me,” he adds, blinking several times. “The op.” He points to his eyes. “It took a while for me to make up my mind, but thanks to you I thought what the heck and went ahead.” A smile returns to his face. “Natasha, I can see. You’ve no idea what it’s like to be able to see something as small and insignificant as a leaf, a daffodil standing in a vase on the window sill… And you…” He blinks slowly. “You, you’re beautiful … you’ve no idea how long I’ve dreamt about this day.”
He props his foot on the doorstep and reaches towards me.
“Your hair, Natasha.” His fingers lift the ends. “It’s brown and you’ve had it cut.”
I flick his fingers away and back off.
“Gabriel, please don’t.”
“What’s up with you? I was hoping today would be the start of something good between us. I know I’m a few months overdue, but believe me, it couldn’t be helped. I’ve been setting up home in London and hoping one day it’ll be your home too.”
I can’t let him see the tears that sting the back of my eyes, and won’t allow even a solitary one to spill onto my cheek.
I shrug. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not going to be stopping round here much longer.”
“So that’s why you gave your house to Adrianna and Danielle.”
Goosebumps jump onto my skin, and I can’t help wondering what they’ve told him.
He avoids my eyes and looks down at his feet.
“So, you got the job in Manchester?” He glances back up at me. “Guess it’s not the end of the world, lots of people manage long-distance relationships; if other people do, I’m sure we can. Heck, I’ve waited this long.” He shrugs. “Now I’ve got my licence back, what’s a couple of hours in the car?”
“No, Gabriel, this is one long-distance relationship that isn’t going to work.”
His eyes narrow as he scrutinises my face. “This isn’t just a job, there’s someone else, isn’t there? Looks as though I’ll have to pay the price for those few extra months.”
I don’t offer him an answer.
“Well, the least you could do is ask me in for a drink, give us chance to talk.”
There’s an eagerness in his tone. I guess he figures if he gets through the door and we sit down together that I’ll soften, maybe even change my mind, but I won’t.
He edges forwards, but I block his other foot from entering with my own and place my arms either side of the doorframe.
“Sorry, Gabriel, but I think it’s best you go.”
“I was up at the crack of dawn this morning to miss the rush-hour traffic, why would I want to go? I’ve only just got here.”
“Maybe because you’re too late.” My cheeks flush. “It’s Josh, he’ll be here any minute, you need to leave.”
He steps back. “You’ve shocked me, Natasha.” His voice trembles. “I never thought I’d see the day you’d take him back. Guess you’re not moving to Manchester after all, you’re flying out to Florida.”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you and haven’t got time to talk; it’s probably best you go and don’t come back.”
He presses his key fob and the car beeps twice as he heads down the driveway. I’m hit by the realisation that he’s walking out of my life for good.
“Gabriel,” I call, running after him.
He turns his head, but his face is set.
“You’ve made your choice,” he says dismissively. “Don’t worry, I won’t bother you again.”
He takes another couple of steps towards his car, and I reach out and grab his hand. He gazes round, and our eyes meet awkwardly.
“Gabriel…” I pause. My minds trying to think of something, anything to say. “You’ll be fine. Look at you, you could have anybody.”
He sighs, rubbing his hand over his forehead. “Yeah, thanks for that, but the only person I want doesn’t want me back.”
His words cut into my heart like a knife. I’m so tempted to jump into his arms, but I can’t; nor can I watch him get in his car and drive away. I push the front door till it closes and lean my head back against the frosted glass, gazing into Mum’s eyes that watch me from the many portraits hanging on the walls. I hear the loud rev of his engine and a blast of music, and in a matter of seconds his car is gone, taking Gabriel and my mixed emotions with it.
I drag my feet up the stairs for a shower, thinking I have just enough time before Josh arrives. As I stand under the warm running water, my thoughts are not of Josh but Gabriel and all the maybes that I was never meant to find out. It really is amazing how things change and what can happen in the small window of a year and a half. I pat myself dry, slip on my underwear, jeans and a T-shirt, and wrap a small towel around my head. It can only be a matter of minutes before the doorbell chimes again. Pushing my feet into my slippers, I make my way downstairs.
I open the door to Josh. He looks different somehow, with blonde highlights in his hair and a wispy beard; as he takes a step towards me, he even smells different. He’s clearly ditched that awful aftershave his mum insisted on buying him every year, and his new one reeks of money.
His eyes are wide.
“God, Tash, what you done to yourself?”
I frown. “Well, that’s a nice welcome.”
“Sorry, but how much weight have you lost?”
“Enough.” I glance down at my sleek figure, smile and ask him in.<
br />
“You’ve no idea how much I’ve missed you. Come here and give us a hug.”
He edges closer, making his arms impossible to escape.
“I never thought you’d want to see me again,” he breathes into my ear.
I break away and reposition the towel on my head. Only a step behind, he follows me into the kitchen. I fill the kettle, make a cup of tea and grab a packet of chocolate biscuits from the cupboard, laying them out on a plate.
“How’s your mum and dad, and Adrianna?”
“There’s not a lot to say about Mum; as you know, nothing changes, not for the better anyway. Dad got himself a part-time gardening job not too far from here, but I don’t see it lasting long, as the bloke he’s working for is selling up; but it’s kept him out of mischief for the last few months and out of Mum’s hair.”
“Adrianna?” he prompts.
“Yeah, she’s a lot happier now she’s back with Danielle, more so now they’re engaged.”
“That’s great, I didn’t know; I’d have sent them a card. You’ll have to pass on my regards.”
I smile and nod, but know what Adrianna would tell him he could do with his regards.
“So, when’s the big day?”
“Your guess is as good as mine; I can’t see it being for a while yet.”
I don’t intend on elaborating, though his pause and raised eyebrows urge me to continue.
“They’ve not got a penny to rub together, and now they’re trying to juggle childcare and work. Last week Danielle found out she was being made redundant, so I think the wedding’s the last thing on their agenda; they’re just doing the best they can to make ends meet.”
“Adrianna was like a sister to me; is there any way I could help?”
“That’s kind of you, but no, thanks. Honestly, the wedding’s no big deal; it’s becoming more of a family joke. Danielle keeps telling her she won’t be able to make an honest woman of her.”
