by Belle Brooks
Morgan
Your life depends on you. Red, get up.
This thick black lettering holds my attention as I stare at the projection screen. He knows me. He knows what to say and do to seek a response. This must be someone I know well.
My ankles buckle when I try to stand, so I launch my arm out and stumble until my fingers clasp the edge of the table. The notebook from the backpack is perched on top of a pile of white papers. It’s opened in half with a pen laid down its crease, a pen that doesn’t disguise the torn edge of where the page I stole from it once was. I bare my teeth and snarl as I scrummage with desperation through the mess, knocking the notebook made for me and the pen provided to the ground. Every item I’d hoped were documents containing some form of information to assist me in figuring out who this creep is, are not. They’re blank. The books strewn and buried amongst this clutter also contain empty pages. Why do this? What does this mean?
Inch by inch, I lower myself down, and then I’m sitting against the cold floor. Here I thought this disorder would hold a clue, but it’s been created as a charade. Does he just like fucking with my head?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I search for the sound. Bright red digits appear on a box above the projection screen. A box I hadn’t noticed until it was lit. 1:00:00. One hour. It’s a timer. Fuck!
59:56.
59:55.
59:54.
I turn on my side and run my hand across the smooth flooring, taking the pen in a pinched grip. I manage to slide the notebook to my side, using the tip of my pinkie finger. My right hand shakes as I look down at the simple pen and try to breathe through my anxiety. I gasp loudly. What the fuck? Rotating my wrist until my shredded and filthy palm is upright, has me staring in horror at my inner arm.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five.
These numbers are inked in bold red cursive letters to the middle of my washed and red sunburnt skin. I rub my fingers over the lettering in hopes of removing it, but I’m forced to stop by the burning sensation this creates. I’m tainted. He’s branded me. When did he do these tattoos? How drugged was I?
I cry. I cry so hard, I slump at my waist. Daggers shoot up my spine as my forehead tucks into my stomach. “Fuck,” I moan as I lengthen my posture and tip my chin so far back, that I’m focusing on the rectangular panels above me. “Help me. Somebody help me.” I’m breathless.
Turning my eyes to the timer with a harsh flick of my head, I continue to sob.
49:33
I’m running out of time.
I scurry on my bottom to the stretcher and utilise it as a writing surface. I grimace as I tuck my legs below it and leer at the empty page now awaiting me.
Reid. I scribble on the first line.
Soft violin music plays softly out of nowhere. It’s so distant, it feels as though it’s being pushed by a gentle breeze past my face. It can’t be though, because where I am is growing more stifling by the minute … there’s no breeze here in this hellish prison. I glance at the clock, 42:41. Fuck! Morgan, you need to do as he’s instructed, but how do I say goodbye?
My grip of the pen is strained to the point the nail bed on my thumb changes to purple, and my hand trembles more rapidly in response. Breathe, Morgan, breathe.
My one true love. I scrawl messily before the ink is disturbed by a fallen teardrop that runs in a line down the page. I follow its path in disbelief. I never thought I’d ever find myself in a situation where I’d have to write such a letter, but here I am, doing exactly that.
I love you. I do. I always have. I cry out as each letter forms and my mind races with all the things I want to say, but won’t have time to say.
I let you down. I lost sight of what mattered in life and that was you and the kids. All I ever wanted was our family. I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done of late, and whatever you learn after I’m gone, please try to remember just how much I loved you. I lost my way, and you seemed to have lost yours too. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for not being stronger. I’m sorry for everything. I love you Reid so, so, much. Thank you for choosing me to be your wife. I’ll be with you. I haven’t left you.
I do. I love him, even though I stopped showing him.
You’re a wonderful father Reid, but until recently you haven’t been around very much. I know you do, and have, worked hard for our family, and you’ve given us so many beautiful things, but if I’m no longer here I think these things are important for you to know so you can care for Brax and Aleeha:
1.) Brax gets eczema behind his ears when he’s getting sick. He has since he was a baby. It’s a tell-tale sign, so check for that if he seems under the weather. Also, as far as I know, he’s still allergic to Penicillin so please don’t give it to him. He’s had it only the once, but his reaction frightened me. You were in Texas, I was alone. I wish I had more time with you. I really do. Please, no penicillin unless under medical supervision, do not toy with this. I’m sure you remember, but in case you don’t …
2.) Aleeha hides a diary in the back of Mr Giggles, the pink monkey backpack you won her at the carnival. This is how I learn about what’s bothering her. Just don’t let her catch you snooping.
3.) Hide as many vegetables inside their meals as you can. I know they eat them fine, but you cannot overdose a child on vegetables.
4.) Brax loves football now and I know you love that he plays, but if he wants to give it up let him. Don’t forget our number one rule, they live through their own eyes not through ours.
5.) Ballet is Monday nights when dance resumes. Aleeha loves it, try to keep taking her. I wish you had a chance to see her dance before now.
6.) Don’t give them too many sweets.
7.) Love them for the both of us.
Reid you’re an amazing father and you can do this. Your heart is pure and kind. Our babies are beautiful, thank you for giving them to me, they fulfilled the empty space I had in my heart. All the beautiful and thoughtful gifts you have given to me throughout the years, have no value compared to the two precious lives you created with me. I love you Reid. Please try to forgive me. Please don’t be frightened. Close your eyes when you’re unsure and search for me, I’ll be there to help you.
This I promise.
Forever … Your Morgan xx
I flick the page over and flash my sight to the clock 32:08
All the sadness filling my heart dissipates, and it’s as if I’ve stepped out of my own body to protect myself, from myself. My soul can’t bear this and neither can my heart. There’s no more pain in my chest. I’m completely numb. I focus.
To my Handsome Brax,
My hand is steadier, and my tears cease to spill. I use the back of my arm to wipe my sticky face and when I close my eyes, it’s so dark. My world has gone dark.
One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths have my wet lashes parting.
The light beams onto the page. The pen hovers in await. I’m ready.
I love you. I’m so sorry. Please don’t internalise this. You’ve always been my thinker, my quiet boy, my intelligent bean. Talk Brax. Feel Brax. I’m with you and I’ll always love you.
You’re going to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and that by no means is the wrong way to feel, but don’t forget to come back up to the surface and take air in, or you will drown in sorrow, and the beautiful person you are will be destroyed. I love you my big man. You have Dad to lean on. He’ll be there, and those arms give the best hugs. Ask for help and don’t deny Dad when he tries to comfort you. Remember, I’m still here with you. I’d never leave you because without you I’m nothing. I’ve been your mum for twelve incredibly blessed years and I’ll be your mum for all eternity. I’m proud of you, Brax. Every day and with every breath you take I will always feel pride. Keep breathing Brax and let the wave of life roll you in the directions and along the paths you’re supposed to explore. You’re not alone and you never will be.
I love you, to the moon and back and that will never stop.
Love mum xx
Why does it have to be this way?
Why is my time in jeopardy?
I clutch the pen and slowly rotate my head towards the clock 21:01. I need to stay focused.
A new blank page.
Aleeha,
Mommy, will always love you.
My little princess. If you are reading this Aleeha, it means Mummy is playing dress ups with the angels now. But don't worry, I can still see you and promise I'm with you. The special thing about a mummy and her daughter is, they never truly part. Even when their body is no longer allowed to stay, their hearts still beat as one, to a bonded rhythm. Mummy is standing right beside you, holding your hand. Every time you feel the touch of warmth against you, don't be frightened, it's just me reminding you that I'm here for you every step of the way, for all of your life. What a beautiful ten-year-old you are. Wiser than your age. Smarter than you should be. Always excelling. Aleeha you’ve always had this contentment with life and this is something a lot of people never have the opportunity to find within themselves … You on the other hand were born with it. I know you’ll be happy, healthy, successful and you’ll find love everywhere you go.
Your heart is going to feel ripped into a million pieces right now, and that feeling is going to stay with you for a while, but it will begin to heal as the years pass by. Just like it did when Prickles your hamster died. It will never fully repair, but you will feel better, I promise. My heart is feeling the same pain as yours. The thought of never holding you, kissing you or having the opportunity to tell you I love you again, brings me awful sadness. But, in time, I’ll smile, as will you. Remember you have so many people who love you, so let them wrap you up tightly in their arms while your emotions escape you. Feeling sad is just a part of life, as terrible as it is, and it’s okay to take as long as you need to feel better again.
As you grow, you’ll experience so many different things and I wish I could be there to enjoy and help you through them all. Remember, although I’m not physically here, I’m with you. You have your Daddy and big brother to look after you, never shut them out, they are the two most important people in your life, let them be there in the hard times and the good times baby girl.
I miss you and I love you to the moon and back, Aleeha.
Love Mummy xx
A cramp radiating from my wrist to my elbow has me contracting my hand and then releasing it. My eyes squeeze tightly shut and I moan through my pinched lips. My goodbyes are done and with this comes a mind-shattering realisation. I’m leaving my family something like this to read once I’m gone, but I want to give them more of me. I want to give them all of me, in the flesh, right beside them, for many more years. I can’t leave them with this. I need to go home, because these letters won’t cut it.
I drop my head, as my heart beats one painful thud and then sinks low, so low it’s as if I’ve flown from the top of a rollercoaster and I’m suspended in mid-air. I’m sitting in wait of the deathly plummet that will follow, crashing me in to the ground. I sob softly. I pray, even though I’m not at all religious. I ask for help, and then I spring my eyes open and glare at the blank projection screen.
The music, the home videos and photographs, this whole nightmare, will not compare to the torture that will be awaiting me once I close the cover of this book. I need to be stronger than the Wolf. Wiser. Smarter. Better. I’m going to fucking fight to win this game. The wolf is messing with the wrong Red, because as the white of the screen takes my vision I become angry, so angry a monster awakens from within me. I hear its hungry growls rumbling in my chest, and feel the spark of fire that threatens to burn wildly in the pit of my stomach. I’ve courage seeping into my veins, and I’m not going down without the biggest fight of my life.
I quickly turn the page and write:
You are the wolf and I am your Red, run you fucker because I’ll see you dead. Are you strong enough to take me down, you bastard?
With a fierce hurl of the pen from my hand to the wall, I snarl and clench my teeth together, before my fists curl closed. I’m fuming and all I see is blood … his blood on my hands.
Let this fucking game begin.
Reid
I breathe in and out rapidly. “What happens next? Tell me what the fuck you’re going to do?” I can feel my cheeks puff out and my eyes narrow as I look towards West and Gleaton.
“We look at the evidence collected from last night, and we have all phone calls coming into the house tracked. When the next call comes in, it should lead us to where they’re being made. It will give us a perimeter to work with. In the meantime, we’ll organise the SES to conduct a search of surrounding areas and set up a media conference to get the word out to the public. This will take little time.” His demeanour is strong and open and he seems confident.
“You can locate him from calls? If he calls again?” My voice pleads that this is correct.
“If we keep him on the line long enough, we’ll be able to locate where the calls are coming from, yes.”
I nod. This is a process I tell myself.
“I’ve found nothing.” Maloney reappears with the two other uniformed officers beside him.
West flicks his wrist towards him and the officers move in closer. He then points in the direction of the loungeroom and they move in a group away from me. I think to follow, but stop myself. If West wanted me to know what they need to discuss, he would have stayed. I have to trust them.
I’m still rattled as I preoccupy myself with the task of taking my mug to the kitchen and tipping the now cold coffee down the sink. Rinsing the mug, I stare at the words, ‘WORLD’S BEST DAD’, in large letters filling both sides. My mind flashes to Father’s Day all those years ago. The look on Aleeha’s face as I tore open the wrapping paper was better than any present that laid beneath. This was the first gift she’d picked out for me on her own — Memories begin to flow like a current being swept by strong winds. It’s a visual display of magical moments our family have enjoyed together –– the smiles, the laughter, the undying love. This can’t be the end of these moments for us, it just can’t be. I swallow hard and place the mug in the sink with gentle care, before I hunch my shoulders in defeat and turn around. I’m met with four of the most perfect eyes God created, two blue and two brown. Their sleepy eyes are filled with innocence and unspeakable beauty.
“Good morning, Daddy,” Aleeha says, her long blonde locks matted from a night’s rest.
“Good morning, Aleeha honey, did you sleep well?” My lip quivers, I pull it into my mouth with my teeth, trying to hold it together for the sake of my children.
“Yes Daddy, I had the best dream.” She starts to stretch until she is on tiptoes, her eyes open wide, and she suddenly shifts her head to the right, so do I. John and Shirley are standing there side by side.
“Hey, little bug,” Shirley says sweetly.
“Hi Grandma Shirl,” she says, running towards her. “Poppy John.” They embrace her tightly.
“Morning Brax,” I say, as he enters the kitchen.
He runs his hand down his face. “Hi Dad.”
“Did you sleep well?”
He shrugs.
“Breakfast?” I ask, trying to keep some sort of normality.
“Yeah.” He yawns.
First, I hear them talking, then I see them. The three uniformed officers have stepped into view, and so have detectives West and Gleaton. They stop speaking immediately and halt on the spot.
“Dad.” Brax glares at me. “Where’s Mum?”
“Daddy?” Aleeha’s voice is high-pitched.
“Dad, what’s going on? Who are those men? And why are they here?” I can see the fear swirling in Brax’s brown eyes.
Be strong Reid, they need you. Handle them with care. I tell myself to encourage a gentle approach. “We need to talk. Can you come sit at the dining room table, please.” I’m dreading this. Morgan is always better at breaking sad
and devastating news. It reminds me of the time their hamster Prickles died two years ago, and Morgan said we had to tell them the truth and teach them about death. I just wanted to buy them a new Prickles, and have them be none the wiser, not Morgan, she said death is a part of life and we couldn’t hide it from them. I trip over the word death in my mind and its meaning:
Dying or being killed; the end of someone’s life.
Uneasiness washes over my skin and knots instantly tie together in my stomach. The death of their hamster will be nothing compared to the death of their mother, and I refuse to believe I’ll ever have to explain and comfort them through such a life changing event. I begin to choke up and find myself lost for any words that could help our children. I don’t exactly know what to say; I just look at their innocent faces as we sit.
Aleeha and Brax sit across from me. Shirley and John sit either side of them. I nervously twirl the yellow gold wedding band around on my left finger. I can feel the impact of what I’m about to do. I will break their hearts with four little words, words that on their own have no effect, but when added together shatter lives. Four little words. Your mum is MISSING.
I inhale and then exhale as the children look to me, and John and Shirley look to the children. I open my mouth and then close it again. I rotate my head in search of West. He nods when I locate him.
Is this encouragement? Fuck.
“Brax, Aleeha ––”
“Dad. Where’s Mum?” Brax’s tone is tense.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, just know that we’re doing everything we can, okay?” I’m making no sense. I know this because those innocent eyes seem puzzled.
Reid get it together, will you.
“The five men standing over there are police officers and detectives. They’re here to help us.”
“We need help? Or Mum needs help?” Brax asks immediately.
