It’s smoother than I am, too.
I grimaced at the lame joke, even though I hadn’t said it out loud. It was the drink talking, making me believe I was witty. And funny. I took another sip. Not to forget funny.
The perpetual blaze burned in the fireplace. I hadn’t let it die since…
Well, since Arún had resurrected and made sure that Woe could never choose me. Perhaps it was a passive aggressive symbol of the fire that burned for Woe, banked but never extinguished.
I punched the armrest and growled at the empty room. Looking back, I wished that I had proclaimed myself to her. My affection had stirred the moment her eyes fluttered open while she had been tucked in my bed. And, later…
When Trylon had pressed the barrel of his weapon to my head, I’d wanted to reach through time and space…for Woe. In that moment, I hadn’t cared about anything other than her.
I’d been foolish. Selfish. Too cautious. Since I’d met her.
The regret made my chest hurt and made everything taste bitter.
I loved that woman, but I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t know what that meant for my position at the church or as the head of the Keepers. I could be a part of the team even if I broke my vows to pursue Woe.
Even if I broke my vows to protect the city.
I whispered the words to the empty room, sighing beneath the weight of the words. It was the opposite of everything I held dear. Promises weren’t made for breaking. They kept the world turning on its course. It’d taken three drinks to loosen up enough to even string the words together, to even consciously consider what I had been subconsciously contemplating.
If only I hadn’t ruined everything. The betrayal in her eyes had burned through me like acid, and when she’d hissed the word “Judas,” spots had danced in my vision.
In that moment, I had felt older than Westminster. And she’d stormed out into the city and disappeared from my life. And it hadn’t been all that much better between me and the rest of the team.
I was “holding down the fort” by Lev’s request. After my run-in with Trylon, Lev had asked me to stay behind, concerned about my temper and my reputation in the paranormal world. I had no idea how many contracts were on my head, but it still stung to be asked to “watch the car.” That was usually something the new, scared guy did, not the seasoned pro.
While Lev hunted down clues about his family, Vic had taken every opportunity to shoot daggers at me with her eyes. If I’d ever thought that woman was in my corner, I’d thoroughly fouled that up. She was only in my corner as long as Woe was. Not that I blamed her. Woe stormed out, the angriest I had ever seen her.
I wasn’t sure things could ever be right. The only way to be sure would be to corner her, talk to her, and I had to make that happen.
With a grimace, I polished off the drink in my glass. I could get another, but I might not be able to walk back up to my apartment. Not that my bed was that appealing. Woe haunted me up there, too. So many scenarios could have gone so differently.
I spun in the chair, but, when I stopped, the room kept spinning. And then so did the chair, only slower, until I slumped over and landed on the floor, unable to catch myself. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to look at the bookshelves and the red furniture rotating around me. I could sleep there. It wasn’t like anybody would notice.
The mechanisms on the door creaked, and then I heard the squeak of the hinges as it opened. Of course, Vic would be the one to see me like this. Sprawled on the floor… At least the desk hid me from her direct line of sight.
“Jason?” Her voice echoed in the room.
I didn’t answer her. It wasn’t a dignified way to be found. I was wadded up on the floor, bellyaching over my inaction. It wasn’t manly. It wasn’t priestly. And it wasn’t…
Leader-y.
I snickered at my made-up word. If anybody doubted I that I never drank, the position I was in pretty much proved it.
“Jason,” she barked. “I heard you giggle.”
“I don’t giggle,” I said.
“Where are you?”
“Here.” Let her figure out where “here” was.
The Librarian hadn’t been in all day, and he couldn’t help her. He’d gone off on a visit with his wormhole girlfriend. I’d figured Vic had left, too. It had been the perfect time to splash my sorrows. I hadn’t meant to drown them, but I wasn’t sure I could even stand up now. I didn’t want her to see me like that. She called again. I could hear the irritation in her voice. Her feet shuffled across the carpet.
Of course, she would search the place. I hoped I could sort of scoot up under the desk. In my frustration, a groan slipped out.
“Jason?” Vic sounded genuinely concerned then. “Stop messing around.”
She came around the desk just as I rolled over onto my back.
“Jason!” She looked horrified and then she glanced at the bottle on my desk.
I waved a hand. Yes, look at the neon sign that proclaims my misery. It came out as a series of undefined grunts.
She crossed her arms. “Have you been drinking?”
“You aren’t the only one who knows how to party,” I answered, trying to mimic her behavior whenever I got on her case about her affairs. It didn’t work. Mark that down as a failure. Can’t do attitude. Vic did saucy better than I did.
“You never drink,” she said, moving her hands to her hips.
“Well, I wouldn’t say never. Just not in a very long time, and I don’t usually have company.” I shot her a dark look.
“Is this about Woe?”
I didn’t know how to answer. “Woe?” Maybe if I played stupid, she’d let the inquisition stop. Twenty questions wasn’t my favorite game.
“You know. Ex-angel. Ex-Fae-Queen-To-Be. Pregnant. Big, black wings.”
“Oh. That Woe.”
Vic snorted in disgust. “You’re ridiculous.”
I shrugged, but I couldn’t deny it. Besides, the room was spinning again.
“Let’s get you up off the floor,” she said.
“I’m comfortable,” I said as she tucked her arms under my armpits. She tried to drag me to Lev’s chair, but I was mostly dead weight. I helped as much as I could.
Finally, I sat in the red chair with my eyes squeezed shut as the room righted itself. I peeked through one eye.
“What are you doing, Jason?” Vic sat on the coffee table in front of me. She held up the empty whiskey bottle. “Why?”
“Loneliness. Most likely.” It was a change to admit it, but I wouldn’t cry over it. How had that bottle gotten empty anyway? I must have spilled it.
“Are you crying?” she asked as though she could hear my thoughts.
“I’m sweating. It’s hot in here.” I tugged on the collar of my undershirt. I’d taken off my collar and cassock before I’d started on the fifth tumbler of scotch.
“You’re crying.” I sounded like a five-year-old. I didn’t know how Woe always managed to reduce me to a petty jerk.
“You are impossible.” She jumped to her feet and paced around the seating area. She stopped directly in front of me on her second pass and took an offensive stance. “Want to know what I think?”
“Sure.” I could humor her.
“You love Woe. And you don’t know what to do about.”
Close, but…exactly right. It irked me how right Vic could be sometimes. “Yeah. So what.” It was the wittiest response I could come up with.
“You’ve got to figure it out, Jason. She’s taken.”
“I know that. I get that.” I didn’t know how to move on from it.
“You can’t keep pretending to be a dictator. You’ve almost torn us apart.” Vic had a point there.
“Well, what do I do?” I held up my hands. “Do you have any good ideas?”
She frowned at me. “You go off and find yourself.”
“What does that even mean?” It was such a weird expression.
“I don’t know. I don’t think you figure
it out until you’re done.”
“Where would I go?” It couldn’t be anywhere nearby.
“I know some monks in Nepal. They’re in the middle of a series of week-long zazen. They sit in their temple, all of them quiet.”
“Will they accept me even though I’m…” I pointed at the collar that I’d taken off earlier. “I’m not sure I can sit for that long.”
Vic laughed. “As long as you follow their Zen monastery rules, you’ll be fine. It’s not necessary to participate. They’re really not picky.” She was more relaxed now, even though I wasn’t. I was getting more nervous with every word she said.
“I’m not sure this is the right idea for me.”
She patted my shoulder. “They have simple cottages where they house people with exhausted souls.”
“How would I get there?” I couldn’t take off for weeks and weeks, and I hadn’t been on a plane in ages. I didn’t even know if my passport was still valid.
“I have a shortcut in my quarters.”
Of course she did. That explained a lot. “Vic…” I started. “I don’t think I can…” I couldn’t do anything right then for sure. Probably ever.
Her face turned to stone. “Listen, Jason,” she said, “I don’t care what you do, but you’ve been a royal jerk to all of us for months now.”
I didn’t answer, but I shifted in Lev’s seat.
She continued, “You’ve ripped us nearly apart. You feel guilty about Frank, about Arún’s death, and about loving Woe. You’re angry at Arún’s resurrection.”
“No, I’m not.” But the words sounded hollow… even to my ears.
Her jaw flexed, and she whirled toward the door. She stomped away but stopped just before she crossed the threshold. “I’m going to Woe’s to take care of her cat. I’ll have my cell. Call me when you change your mind about the sabbatical.” She slammed the door behind her.
And then she was gone. And I was left completely alone.
I pressed my hands over my eyes. I’d driven away another of my friends.
Yet again. And I was no closer to knowing what to do next.
33
Three Sneaks
Lev
The next morning, we used more meal coupons to order from the little automated kiosk, and I watched Mara as she studied the menu board. Dark circles rimmed her eyes, and I couldn’t decide if it was because she was as pale as the woman at the counter or because she hadn’t slept at all. Her loose-flowing hair hid the rounded tops of her ears and nearly shielded her profile from my view as she cycled through the food options.
She glanced at me and managed a weak smile. “Do you want to go first?”
“Still deciding,” I said, not quite ready to go over the menu.
“What would Woe like?”
After telling me to pick something for her breakfast, Woe had downed a fizz-tonic and then excused herself to the restroom. We were the only two at the vending machines. Weariness pulled at the corners of Mara’s eyes and her mouth, and I thought I caught sight of a quiver to her chin. Being in Raishana was hard on her.
I shrugged. “Still deciding.” I wanted to look at her while I considered the rush of the last week.
I shook my head. Had it only been a week?
I had been trapped inside Jason’s church, a voluntary prisoner of a hopelessness that came from helplessness. Now, because of Mara, I was two worlds away, hunting for clues that I believed would never come.
When we woke, Fae-eared Bitteen had been at her desk, processing more visitors.
I smoothed my hand over the selections, trying to focus on the words there.
It seemed impossible that I may now have a clue about my family’s whereabouts after so many years. Keeping her at arm’s distance was becoming more and more difficult. It had been a detonation, instantaneous and complete. Once we were free of the Boss, I would be free to pursue her.
If I were honest, I was as good as gone, and I hadn’t realized what was happening or what I was diving into headfirst. I hoped I wouldn’t break my neck. God help me, she already had the power to crush me. She was every inch the siren of my dreams and my heart was her prey.
The explosion of emotions had been the same with my Anne. The only difference was that, though Anne had taken more convincing, she had been more straightforward. Anne hadn’t had demons in her closet, hadn’t had a scent of betrayal, or someone else pulling her strings.
For Anne, I had played the part of pursuer. Times were different now, and Anne had been a human. Mara was a mermaid shifter, a complement to a whale shifter. Could she be my second chance at love? What might a courtship look with her?
If we could free her from her complications… if she were innocent of treachery….
I considered the white-haired woman that strolled beside me and reached for a seaweed cigar. All things being equal, I would be more than willing. The thought brought a smile to my face which caught Mara’s attention. She winked at me.
She selected something similar to sushi from the vending machine. I requested the same for me, but requested cooked fish and oceanic kale chips for Woe. Harder to feed since her stomach turned picky, she generally liked milder flavored things. Mara swiped the food card, and the order dispensed before the transaction had concluded.
We trekked back toward the benches we’d claimed, and I cast casual glances toward the desk from time to time. It’d been an hour, and Bitteen hadn’t left her post once.
“Do you miss shifting?”
Mara’s question surprised me. I wasn’t sure how to answer. Despite the prolonged amnesia, the conditions I recalled for my last shift had been traumatic. The call of the water had overcome my desire to remain man, and the whale part of me had been dragged out into the open. I had come to the conclusion that shifting against my will had broken the magic mechanism that I had been given.
I’d been harpooned and then stuffed inside a box. When the lid had been pried off, an infection raged in the wound in my side, and I had been bruised from head to toe. Jason’s predecessor suspected that the attack had been premeditated.
Outside the arrival platform, the spray of the waves splashed against the thick glass. At one time, I sailed through the water as a gigantic, age-old beast, oblivious to the churning. Even as I recounted all the negatives that surrounded my last shift, a yearning woke within me.
“Yes,” I said finally. “I miss it.”
The corners of her mouth turned down. “I do, too. Sometimes I imagine the water sliding over my skin, nothing between me and the ocean.” She glanced at me through her lashes. “It’s not been nearly as long as it has been for you, but the effect is the same.”
I nearly crushed the to-go boxes I held. My nightly dreams had been expressed in her voice, and her words stirred me in a way I didn’t expect. I had to find a way through the block that kept me from summoning the shift.
A commotion at the city side of the platform caught my attention. More uniformed officers rushed in and swarmed a tall Harpy. They escorted the humanoid away from the visitor’s desk, and the Fae glanced around. Her furtive motions were a neon sign.
I tapped Woe’s feet and elbowed Mara, nodding Bitteen’s desk.
Woe snorted and stretched. “What is it?”
“Sssh,” I breathed. “I think our guard is about to leave the desk. It may be our chance to get through.” I handed her the food we’d brought. “Pretend to eat.”
She sat up, tucking her hair back in a ponytail. “I might try to eat for real. I’m starved.”
Bitteen dropped a hanging sign over the front of her desk and rushed away in the direction the others had taken the Harpy.
“Can you read that Mara?” I asked.
“My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be—dried out and all, but I’ll try.” She squinted at it. “It says ‘Be Back Soon.’”
“That’s it, now’s our chance.” I gathered up as many bags as I could while Mara stuffed our trash into the can.
Mara grimaced.
“Are you sure we should do this?”
I scowled. Why had Mara changed her mind? Suspicion squeezed my heart, and my pulse thundered in my ear. “We have no other option.”
Mara laced her fingers together and wrung her hands. “Maybe we should rethink our plan to go to the city. Please?”
Woe gave her a hard stare. “We’re doing this. You’re either in or you’re out.”
“Woe’s right,” I said. “We’re going. Are you with us?” I bit out.
Mara had to understand that if she abandoned us now, we wouldn’t take her back. She had to be committed or not. At this point, there wasn’t anything between.
Mara’s shoulders drooped, and her eyes glittered with unshed tears. “I go where you go, Lev.” She took as a step toward the empty desk as though to give weight to her words.
As much as I didn’t want it to, relief seeped through me. I wanted her to be a part of us, to choose us, to prove to everyone that she wasn’t an operative of the Boss. That’s what I wanted.
“Well, that was the right choice,” Woe said. Her wings twitched, and it looked like she wanted to beat some sense into Mara.
We grabbed all the bags.
Woe shoveled fried fish into her mouth and crunched on the kale chips. Two more bites and she tossed the still mostly-full package into the trash receptacle. She licked sea salt from her fingers. “Let’s go.”
We hurried across the platform, trying to run without looking like we were fleeing. Yet nobody turned toward us. Nobody looked. Not a single soul cared about our running trio.
“Quickly now,” I said. I wasn’t sure what we’d find underneath, but we had to find the pieces of Mara’s past to ensure that her future would be mine. And anything would be better than sticking out like a sore thumb after jogging across the terminal.
“What if the door is locked?” Woe huffed.
“Then we break in,” I said, mashing my hat down on my head to keep from losing it.
Leviathan's Rise Page 20
