by Claire Thake
“Me too mum but I really won’t be able to stay much longer. Its lovely spending time with you all but my job won’t stand still for me” Carrie had used her job as an excuse so many times now since being here, she was starting to wonder if she really did have to go back.
Walking out of the barn, Carrie felt a small hand push into hers as Mia held her hand and smiled up at her aunt. Carrie squeezed her little hand back gently, loving the fact the despite a long two years passing, her niece still felt so comfortable with her.
She was about to get into Jason’s car when she spotted a land rover driving out of the entrance opposite the barn and pulling up beside Jason’s . The door opened and Daniel jumped out and walked around smiling at them all.
“Daniel, I’m so glad you can join us” Anne said a big delighted smile crossing her face.
“Not a problem, had to pull a few favours and get some guys to put in some over time for me but I will make it worth it for them”
“Excellent, now would you mind if a couple of us jumped in with you? Saves ordering a cab if we are all going to the same place” Carrie could not believe the audacity of her mother, asking a complete stranger for a lift.
“Of course, not a problem” He smiled, glancing at Carrie who just stared at the floor not knowing where to look.
“Carrie and me can jump in with you then and Lacey and Mia can go with Jason, if that’s ok” Carrie glanced over at her mother, panic surging through her of the thought of travelling with the man who made her stomach do flips, the man she felt she needed to try and avoid.
“Sounds perfect” Daniel said walking over to the land rover and opening the door for Anne to climb in, pulling herself together Carrie slowly walked over to the open door, concentrating on each foot step as she felt if she didn’t she may stumble, as her legs felt like jelly.
Pulling herself into the passenger seat she turned around and glared at her mother, who shrugged her shoulders at her daughter, acting clueless to what was such a big problem.
The journey to the fair was a short one into the main town. Anne and Daniel chatting away like old friends, whilst Carrie fidgeted with her phone praying for some signal to check her emails to keep her mind occupied on anything but the man she was sitting inches apart from as well as her fear of car travel.
Once in the fair Carrie had to admit it was a wonderful place to visit, filled with Christmas lights and the wonder on Mia’s face made it all truly magical, and she was glad they had came just to see the look on the little girls face.
The group walked around the vast amount of stalls and exhibits, taking in all the atmosphere of the fair; Anne, Jason and Lacey then deciding to take Mia to queue up to see Father Christmas, leaving Carrie and Daniel to continue wandering around.
“So what do you think?” Daniel asked bending down and speaking into Carries ear. Carrie flinched at how close he was, and took a step sideward’s hoping he hadn’t noticed.
“It’s beautiful, thank you for telling us about it, I know my mum loves it and my nieces face says it all”
“It is something else that’s for sure, people come for miles to visit, and it’s the biggest one in this part of the…” Daniel stopped mid sentence and grabbed Carrie pulling her over to the side, just before a large man, who had obviously consumed too much alcohol came crashing down where only seconds earlier Carrie had been standing.
“Sorry” said Daniel, letting go of Carrie when she had found her footing
“Erm no need to say sorry, thank you, I can imagine that would have hurt” She shuddered shocked at the thought that she had almost been knocked flying by the huge drunk man.
“Unfortunately along with the holidays and these events, also comes the guys who think they can handle way more drink than they can” Carrie laughed, thinking that generally was the same wherever you went.
The rest of the day went well, and Carrie bought a few Christmas decorations for back home, as well as a few small gifts for Leah and the kids to put away for Christmas. It wasn’t long before Anne began to tire and Carrie demanded they return home.
Daniel argued with her and said it wasn’t fair that Mia should miss out seeing the parade and the fireworks and offered to take Anne back to the barn and keep an eye on her until they all got back. Although Anne was happy with this idea, Carrie didn’t want to leave her mum with a stranger, however nice he was and insisted she went with them as well. The trio made their way back to the barn and left Jason, Lacey and Mia at the fair to make their own way back later on.
Getting back to the barn, Carrie helped her mum into the barn and took her to her room to rest, whilst Daniel grabbed all their bags and shopping from the car and placed them in the living room.
Joining him, Carrie smiled a thank you and pushed her blonde hair away from her face. Seeing her mum in such a frail state was wearing at Carrie and she was finding every day she spent with her mother harder to cope with.
“Coffee?” She asked Daniel, not wanting to just kick him out after everything he had done for them that day.
“I would love to but I really should be going and letting some of the guys go home, after all they did me a favour covering me today”
“Oh yes, that was lovely of them” She smiled not really sure of what to say.
“Ok, well I had a lovely day, thank you Carrie” He bent down and kissed her on the cheek, and she could have sworn she had stopped breathing for a few seconds.
Carrie watched Daniel leave the barn and then watched him walk away out of the window, shaking her head. What the hell was she doing? She was a married woman and she had to remember it.
Carrie could smell the scent of burning and feel the seat belt digging into her. She didn’t dare move and sat frozen in fear. Glancing to the side Ian was flopped over unconscious and she could see blood trickling down his face. The sound of sirens in the distance filtered through the sound of screaming which sounded so close. She was confused as the screaming wasn’t coming from Ian and there was no one else in the car; she then realised where the sound was coming from…it was her that was screaming.
Sitting up in bed Carrie felt the wet tears falling down her face and her breath caught in her throat through the hysterical sobbing. She had the same nightmare over and over at least once a week and it drained her. She could see it all as clear as day, as if it had happened yesterday; time had not healed the memories of her husband’s lifeless body.
She still had no idea what had happened between the small moments after the crash and waking up in hospital the next day. She had passed out just before the paramedics had arrived, and just remembered the pain and empty feeling when she woke alone in the hospital bed, surrounded by strange machines making horrid beeping sounds.
Jumping out of bed she quickly glanced at the time on her phone and saw it was only 4:15am. She threw on some clothes and decided to go for a walk; she needed to get out and get some fresh air. If she stayed indoors she would likely dissolve into a blubbering wreck, and she had spent enough time crying lately to last a lifetime.
Unlocking the patio door in her bedroom she exited into the garden, not wanting to walk through the main part of the barn just in case she woke anyone else. She made her way through the garden and around the front of the barn and kept walking till she reached a fence and a gate leading into what looked like an over grown field.
She double checked for any wild animals that might be occupying the land and found it hard to focus in the dimly lit morning. The only lights being the flood lights that were on in the courtyard of the farm. She couldn’t see anything so she climbed over the locked gate and wondered across the field using her mobile phone as a torch.
She knew she shouldn’t be wandering around here on Daniel’s land but she needed some space to clear her head. There was a small woodland area at the back of the field and Carrie stopped and took in the view of the trees, finding a fallen trunk to sit on, she sat and crossed her legs staring into space.
Whenever she suffered f
rom these dreams the same thought always went through her mind…what if...what if they had gotten a cab that night? What if she had gone with what Ian had wanted and had booked a quiet meal just the two of them instead of that stupid party… then maybe he would still be alive, maybe they would be a family…
“Carrie?” Carrie jumped at the sound of the voice, she hadn’t heard anyone approach and didn’t expect to see anyone, shining her phone in front of her she saw Daniel standing a few feet away, dressed in tatty looking old jeans with rips in the knees, a tight black jumper and a black leather jacket.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry” she said stumbling her words “I know I shouldn’t be here but I need to get some air and clear my head”
“I’m more concerned you’re going to catch your death” Looking down at what she was wearing Carrie realised how out of it she really was from the dream; a pair of skinny jeans and a thin t shirt…in November! Sliding the jacket off his back Daniel took a couple of steps towards Carrie and put his jacket around her shoulders. The smell of leather and spicy aftershave invading her nostrils.
“You don’t have to, it’s my own fault, I hadn’t even realised I hadn’t brought my coat”
Daniel chuckled, “well I can’t see a beautiful lady getting cold”-“Do you mind?” he asked gesturing to the space beside her on the tree trunk
“No not at all, please sit” she said and was suddenly aware of how close he was. She could feel the body heat coming from him; their legs were so close yet not touching.
“What are you doing out here so early?” he asked giving her a quizzing look; Carrie sighed and took a deep breath.
“I couldn’t sleep, I had a bad dream, silly I know but I felt I just needed to get out and go for a walk, what about you?”
“Well this time isn’t that early for a farmer, you have to start early in this work, but I love walking around at this time in the morning. It’s so peaceful and relaxing”
“I agree, I live in London so I don’t really get to do this” She replied
“Does your husband know you’re out here Carrie?” His question startled her, how did he know she had a husband? Thinking he must have meant Jason, she giggled and shook her head
“That’s not my husband, that’s my brother”
“Sorry I didn’t mean your brother, I knew who was staying, I had a good chat with him actually, but I noticed at the fair you’re wearing a wedding ring”
Carrie stared down at her hand, she had never took the ring off once since it was put on her finger, and it was such a big part of her now she never even realised it was there. She twisted the shiny gold circle around her finger and looked up and smiled at Daniel
“Erm My husband isn’t around anymore” She muttered not really sure how to word it “He passed away a couple of years ago” The shock shone through Daniels eyes although he tried not to show it.
“Oh I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up it was none of my business”
“Honestly its fine, Its nice actually that someone noticed, people tend to avoid talking about him now” Carrie knew what she was saying was the truth, but it was only the truth because she had made it that way, she had pushed everyone away from her, trying only to exist and not to live and she wasn’t sure now that she knew how to live any other way. Once she left here she had no doubt she would fall straight back into the same old routine.
“What are you doing later on today Carrie?” Daniel asked, stretching his long legs out in front of him.
“I’m not really sure whys that?” she asked intrigued why he had asked
“Well I take photos as a hobby, and a few miles down the road on the moors is a beautiful place, and if you like sitting here to clear your head I can guarantee you would love it there, so if you’re not busy I would love to take you and show you”
“That sounds lovely” she replied “I would never have pictured you as a photographer”
“Most don’t. Ok Carrie I need to get on and get some work done, I will meet you around 6 tonight? Oh and don’t worry about dinner I will sort that out” He smiled and stood up, brushing down the back of his jeans from sitting on the wooden trunk.
“Sounds lovely” Carrie smiled at him. Standing up to start walking back before realising she still had his jacket.
“Oh Daniel, your jacket” She said whilst slipping it off down her arms
“Please Carrie, keep it for now. I will get it back from you later, I would hate to think of you walking back in this weather and getting cold”
Giving him a small wave she walked slowly back to the barn, turning back to watch him walk in another direction toward a very large grey metal shed. Taking in his whole physique, he was well build and muscular, and Carrie wondered what he would look like under his shirt, before once again scolding herself for thinking it.
Chapter 7
“Carrie!” Jason shouted, leaning over the table and tapping her on the arm “Earth to Carrie, are you ok?” he asked, while lifting his spoon to his mouth and taking a big mouthful of cereal.
“I’m fine why?” she enquired, poking her spoon into her now soggy cornflakes.
“Well I’ve spoken to you 3 times this morning and each time you haven’t heard me. Something up?”
“No, no nothing, just didn’t sleep well last night so I guessing its taking its toll, sorry”
“No need to apologise sis, just making sure you’re ok”
Hearing a loud bang, they both looked up as Mia came bowling into the room, slamming the door, with a face like thunder. Her brown curls bouncing on her shoulders as she walked across the room towards to them.
“Hey princess, what’s up?” Jason asked, pulling the child onto his lap. She leaned her little head on his shoulder and gripped hard onto the stuffed teddy bear she carried, a present Jason had bought her when she was born, and she never went anywhere without it, despite the fact it was starting to look well worn from the amount of love Mia gave it.
“Mummy says I can’t have any of Auntie Carrie’s fudge as I have to have breakfast first” she replied, sticking her bottom lip out in a pout.
Carrie chuckled and pushed herself up, taking her bowl and emptying the sloppy mush into the bin and placing the bowl into the sink to wash.
“Mia, how would you like to go out with me later if mummy and daddy agree? We could go for a bit of girly shopping and get more fudge”
The smile on Mia’s little face warmed Carrie, as the child nodded so hard she would give herself a headache if she kept it up.
“Ok, well do what your mummy and daddy say and make sure your all ready and we will have a fun afternoon” Jumping from Jason’s lap, Mia ran over and threw her arms around Carrie before running off shouting something about being good and brushing her teeth. Placing the now washed bowl on the drainer, Carrie wiped her hands on a tea towel and turned to find Jason smiling directly at her.
“What?” she asked wondering what he was starting at.
“I just love this sis, it’s been too long and it’s wonderful to see you with Mia. You’re great with kids”
“She’s a natural” Carrie turned to find Anne slowly walking into the room, “She will make the most amazing mother one day” Although her mother hadn’t meant anything by the comment, Carrie felt as if she had been punched. Her biggest dream had been to have a family but that dreadful day took that away from her and she knew she would never be a mother.
Making excuses about needing to get ready for Mia, Carrie left them room at speed and practically ran to her room, not wanting to break down in front of her mother, who had enough to worry about without having to worry about her as well.
Falling in a heap on her bed, she curled herself into a ball and sobbed, dropping her hands down to hold her tummy, knowing she would never carry a child.
After pulling herself together and getting changed, Carrie called a cab and took little Mia by the hand to wait outside of the barn for it to arrive. Carrie bent down to do up the buttons on Mia’s
robin red coat with a faux fur trim and made sure her niece was nice and warm.
Glancing across the courtyard, Carrie caught a glimpse of Daniel walking across the main field, with a black sheep dog by his side, and her stomach did a small flip. She chastised herself for the way she reacted seeing him, which was quickly replaced with a feeling of guilt and thoughts of Ian.
Before she could think much more, the red cab pulled up into the courtyard and she helped Mia into it and made sure she was securely strapped in before jumping in herself. Mia was so excited to be spending the day with her aunt that she was literally bouncing in her seat.
When they arrived in the town, Carrie paid the driver and lifted Mia out of the car. Taking her hand, they made their way down the lanes full of quaint little shops.
Carrie had missed her niece and wasn’t sure when she would get to see her again after this trip so was determined to spoil her; treating the gorgeous girl to a whole new outfit, consisting of a pink lace edged top, a pink and grey checked skirt, and a pink turtle neck jumper. To match she bought her pink woollen tights, a pink hat and a small grey shoulder bag. Mia looked stunning in it all and insisted she wore it all instead of having it packed.
Carrie treated herself also to some country friendly clothes for the last couple of days she would be spending here, determined to be home by the end of the week. She bought herself some tight fitting jeans, a couple of hoodies and some flat brown coloured leather knee high boots.
All shopped out the girls stopped for a quiet bite to eat at a burger chain, before popping into the fudge shop, buying Mia lots more of the rich treat. Carrie also bought some more to take home with her. Carrie called a cab to take them home and as they sat waiting Mia cuddled into her side and closed her eyes. At first Carrie thought she had fallen asleep, but then Mia’s arms snaked around Carrie’s waist.
