by Sonya Sones
“The one you submitted a few weeks ago.
It’s haunted me. It was so . . . so revealing.”
Damn. It was supposed to be
the opposite of revealing.
“But it made me wonder,” he says,
“if there’s anything more you’d like to reveal.
I mean, to me. In complete confidence, of course.”
My chest aches.
I yearn to tell him everything.
But I can’t take that chance.
Besides, Luke will be waiting for me.
He doesn’t like it when I’m late.
So I say, “Not really. But thanks, Mr. L.”
Then I bolt from the room.
And Run Right into Presley
He must have been waiting for me.
I try to slip past him,
but he steps in front of me.
He says, “Is everything okay, Lil?”
He looks so concerned I can’t bear it.
I swallow hard and say, “Sure.”
But he puts his hands on my shoulders and says,
“You told me you wanted to be friends, right?”
I nod, biting my lip to keep it from quivering.
“Well, as your friend,” he says,
“I can see something’s wrong.
Let me help you, Lil.
Let a friend help a friend.”
I meet his gaze, but I know
if I say anything I’ll tear up.
So I wrap my arms around him,
just for a second,
thinking that if things had been different
maybe we would have been able
to be more than friends.
So much more.
Then I pull away, run down the corridor,
and out the door—
into Luke’s waiting car.
Thanksgiving Dinner
Luke
has taken
the seat next to mine.
He’s toasting my parents,
clinking his wineglass against theirs,
his other hand stroking my thigh
under the tablecloth.
I can’t think
of a single thing
I’m thankful for.
I’ve Been Avoiding Taylor and Rose
Sending their calls to voice mail.
Ignoring their texts.
Skipping every sleepover.
But on Saturday afternoon,
they show up at my door
and tell me they’re kidnapping me.
I say I have too much homework.
They tell me it’s Thanksgiving break
and that I need to take one.
I say I’m coming down with a cold.
They tell me they’ll make me some turkey soup.
I say I’m not fit for human consumption.
They tell me to just shut up already
and come with them.
Even my parents are in favor
of me getting out of the house.
They practically shove us out the door,
and call after us to have fun.
Fun? Fun . . .
Isn’t that that thing
I used to have all the time?
That thing I took for granted?
But When Rose’s Brother Drops Us Off
I realize we’re at Looking Glass Lanes.
And suddenly I’m flashing back
to when Luke took Alice and me here,
remembering exactly how I felt that day—
like everywhere was Wonderland
when I was with Luke.
It seems so long ago.
As if those feelings belonged to a stranger.
I choose a ball with flames painted all over it.
I heave it up till it’s just below my chin.
I stare down the lane,
imagining that the center pin is Luke.
Then I hurl the ball, and—strike!
Rose and Taylor clap and cheer.
When my second turn comes,
I imagine I’m aiming right at Luke’s crotch . . .
And—strike!
Rose and Taylor scream and high-five me.
When my third turn comes,
I hold that same thought, and—strike!
They shriek and jump up and down.
“Whoa,” Taylor says. “We wouldn’t
have invited you if we knew you’d win.”
Wait. What’s this odd sensation?
Oh. Now I remember—this is fun.
After That
They don’t even have to talk me into
sleeping over at Rose’s.
I’m totally on board.
And for the next few hours,
while the Triatomics bake cupcakes,
and do each other’s nails,
and watch an old movie on TV,
I don’t even think about Luke.
But in the Morning
It all comes crashing back down
over me.
It turns out Taylor and Rose
both have family stuff planned.
But I don’t want to call home for a ride,
because they might send Luke.
So I catch the bus home.
I’m sitting in the back,
trying not to think, trying not to feel,
when I notice this guy staring at me—
staring right at me with dead black eyes,
licking his lips as if he’d rather
be licking mine.
I turn my head away
and squeeze my eyes closed.
But I can still see those eyes.
Those dead black eyes.
There’s something
all too familiar about them.
When I Walk into the House
I hear Alice giggling.
I look into the living room.
She’s sitting on the couch next to Luke.
They don’t notice me standing here.
His arm is around her shoulder.
Her favorite ballerina book
is resting on his knees.
Luke’s reading it to her.
At the end of each page,
Alice reaches over into his lap
to turn to the next one,
and then to the next.
And my stomach twists
and twists again.
When they finish the book,
Alice throws her arms around his neck,
beams up at him, and says,
“I’m gonna marry you when I grow up.”
And When Luke
Smiles
down at her,
and
promises
he’ll wait
for her,
I break out
into a cold sweat.
I Back Away
Then I turn
and stagger out the door.
I rush down
the front walk,
and when I reach the road,
I start running—
I run as if
my whole life
depends on it.
As if
Alice’s whole future
depends on it.
As if
a wolf is chasing me,
snarling and snapping
at my heels.
My Feet Fly Over the Pavement
I don’t even know
where I’m headed.
All I know is—
I have to get there.
I run and run and run,
and as I do,
I’m thinking about Alice.
Thinking about
how much I love her.
And about how sweet she is.
And how innocent.
Just as innocent
as I was—
when I used to fling my arms
around Luke’s neck
and say those
very same words.
My Churning Thoughts
Fall into rhythm
with my pounding feet.
I’ve got to
do something . . .
do something . . .
do something . . .
Because
if I don’t,
someday
Luke will destroy
Alice’s life—
just like
he has destroyed
mine.
And I can’t
let that happen to her.
I can’t.
Nothing
else matters.
Nothing but Alice.
Suddenly
I know
where I’m going.
And I start running
even faster.
I run
till it feels
like there’s a knife
digging into my side,
and my
calves burn,
and my breath
is coming in short
sharp
gasps.
But
I keep
right on
going
and
I don’t
stop
till
I reach
Bella’s.
I Peer Through the Window
And when
I see Bella,
sitting behind the counter,
her head
bent over
an open book,
a wave of relief
crests over me,
then floods all through me.
And as it does, my stone heart
softens and starts beating again—
its hopeful rhythm filling my chest.
I take
a minute
to catch my breath.
Then
I reach for the handle,
yank open the heavy oak door,
and
step
inside.
Bella Looks Up
She hurries over to me,
the tiny bells in her skirt tinkling,
and gathers me
into a hug.
“My darling,” she says.
“I’ve been expecting you.”
I rest my head
against her strong shoulder,
and inhale that comforting
dust-and-books-and-cookies smell.
Then I say,
“I need your help.”
Author’s Note
In this story, when Luke sexually abuses Lily, she thinks it is all her fault. But Lily is one hundred percent wrong about that. If someone forces you to do anything sexual that you don’t want to do, it’s never your fault. It doesn’t matter if you flirted with them. It doesn’t matter if you kissed them, or didn’t stop them in the beginning. If you change your mind and want to stop at any point, the other person must honor your request. If they won’t stop when you ask them to, that is not okay.
In addition to sexually abusing Lily, Luke also sexually coerces her. He says he will ruin her family financially if she doesn’t have sex with him. When someone says you have to do something sexual that makes you uncomfortable, and claims there will be negative consequences if you refuse, that’s sexual coercion. And it is not okay.
Unwanted sexual behavior is never okay—whether the person is much older than you are, as is the case with Luke and Lily, or the same age as you, or even younger. It doesn’t matter whether the person is a stranger, someone you are dating, a friend, a family member, or someone you or your family knows and trusts, like it is in Lily’s situation. It is totally unacceptable. And it is definitely not your fault.
When Lily asks Bella for help, she is starting a chain of events that will lead to Luke getting arrested and receiving the punishment he deserves. If you or someone you know is ever sexually abused, please don’t wait as long as Lily waited to seek help. Get help right away. Tell your parents, another relative, one of your friend’s parents, a clergy member, or a teacher. And if you ever find yourself in immediate danger, call 911.
You are not alone. There is a way out!
HERE ARE SOME ORGANIZATIONS THAT CAN HELP:
NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE
800-656-HOPE (4673)
If you have been raped, or if you want to talk to someone anonymously about the sexual abuse that is happening to you or to a friend, or even if you are unsure that what you are experiencing is sexual abuse, you can call this number 24 hours a day and be put through to the nearest sexual assault service provider.
RAPE, ABUSE & INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK (RAINN)
www.rainn.org
RAINN is the largest anti-sexual-violence organization in the United States. Their website is excellent and will help you find the help you need. You can chat online anonymously with someone in English or Spanish 24/7 at www.rainn.org/get-help.
LOVEISRESPECT
www.loveisrespect.org
Loveisrespect’s purpose is to empower teens to prevent and end abusive relationships. Highly trained advocates offer support, information, and advocacy to teens who have questions or concerns about their dating relationships. They also provide information and support to concerned friends. You can chat with them online 24/7. Confidential phone and texting services are also available. Call 866-331-9474 or text loveis to 22522.
There is a special section of the Loveisrepect website geared toward members of the LGBTQ community: http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/abusive-lgbtq-relationships/.
BREAK THE CYCLE
www.breakthecycle.org
Break the Cycle inspires and supports young people 12–24 to build healthy relationships. They are a culturally affirming, diverse organization that believes all young people deserve to live in a world where they can thrive.
Acknowledgments
Writing this book was the opposite of easy. There are many kind and generous people I’d like to thank for helping me along the way:
My brilliant editor, Alexandra Cooper, who never stopped asking just the right questions.
My inspired and hardworking HarperCollins team, who did more than I will ever know: Rosemary Brosnan, Alyssa Miele, Catherine San Juan, Olivia Russo, Bess Braswell, and Ebony LaDelle.
My jeweler, FashionLILLA, who created the perfect necklace for the cover, and Michael Frost, who photographed it so beautifully.
My critique group members, Ann Wagner Wilson and Betsy Rosenthal Rosenthal, who hung in there, week after week, listening to this hard-to-listen-to story and helping me make it better.
My agent, Steven Malk, who was always there for me, working his magic behind the scenes.
My sweet Thirds, who buoyed me up with their monthly dose of much needed sisterly support.
Richard Peck, who invited me to read aloud a short stack of early pages. I heard your voice in my head while I wrote every page that followed.
Gilda Frantz, the wisest woman I know, who kept me afloat through the worst of the storm.
My daughter, Ava, who suggested I write this book quickly. At first I laughed—as if such a thing could be done! And then I thought, “Why not?”
My son, Jeremy, who pointed out that there really wasn’t any reason not to keep right on running till I reached THE END.
My husband, Bennett, who held my hand and my heart throughout the journey.
And my poetry teacher, Myra Cohn Livingston, who set me on the path before I even knew it was there.
About the Author
Photo by Bennett Tramer
SONYA SONES has written six other novels in verse: Stop Pretending: What Happened When My Big Sister Went Crazy; What My Mother Doesn’t Know and its companion, What My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know; One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies; To Be Perfectly Honest; and Saving Red. Sonya’s books have received many honors, but she was especially thrilled when she learned that she was on the American Library Association’s list of the Most Frequently Challenged Authors of the 21st Century.
She lives near the beach in California. You can visit her at www.sonyasones.com or write her at [email protected].
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Books by Sonya Sones:
Stop Pretending
What My Mother Doesn’t Know
One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies
What My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know
To Be Perfectly Honest
Saving Red
The Opposite of Innocent
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Copyright
HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
THE OPPOSITE OF INNOCENT. Copyright © 2018 by Sonya Sones. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.epicreads.com
Cover art by Michael Frost
Cover design by Catherine San Juan
* * *
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018939978
Digital Edition SEPTEMBER 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-237033-4
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-237031-0
* * *
1819202122PC/LSCH10987654321
FIRST EDITION
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers Australia Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
