by Julie Cannon
“So what did you do?”
“I finally had to tell her to just shut up about it. I didn’t want to hear any comments or suggestions, and to just shut up.”
“And what did she say to that?”
“Exactly what I expected. She got angry. Something along the lines of so you want me to just pretend this baby doesn’t exist? I said no, that’s not what I want you to do. This baby exists. This is my daughter and we’re a package deal. If you can’t accept her and look at her and be happy for me and treat her like any other child you see or any child I may have conceived in the conventional sense of the word, then I don’t want you in my life. And I certainly don’t want you in my daughter’s life.”
Dr. Hinton was smiling and nodding by the time Kelly finished describing her conversation with one of her now ex-friends. She realized how adamant, strong, and forceful she was in her conversations with her friend. She’d meant every word.
“So think about that, Kelly. This was a friend of yours? Someone you were pretty close to?”
“Yes. We’ve known each other since nursing school.”
“And I’m going to paraphrase here, so basically you told her to deal with it or get the fuck out of your life.”
Kelly laughed a deep, full laugh.
“Am I right, or did I misinterpret what you said?”
“No, Dr. Hinton. You’re spot on.”
“And what you said to her—what’s her name by the way?”
“Suzanne.”
“So what you said to Suzanne, is that any different than what you’d say to the people back at work that are thinking the same thing? Other than the fact that you don’t know what they’re thinking and therefore you can’t tell them.”
“I guess it’s really not any different.”
The expression on Dr. Hinton’s face clearly said, BINGO, you got it. Kelly nodded. “I get it.”
Dr. Hinton was an excellent therapist in that she didn’t “tell” Kelly things. She helped her draw her own conclusions.
“Let’s circle back around to Barrett. You want her to share her life with you, and again I’m paraphrasing here. You want her to share her life with you, and you want to share your life with her.”
“Yes.”
“You know we’ve talked a bit about your sense of obligation to Barrett because she saved your life. And because she saved your life you feel the need to accept what she offers you.” She waited for Kelly to nod. “Even though in our last few discussions we came to the conclusion that Barrett is probably dealing with her own set of guilt and obligation because she feels she left you behind.”
“Is that what she said to you?”
“I haven’t spoken to Barrett since you came home.”
That was Dr. Hinton’s way of telling Kelly she wasn’t going to tell her even if she had seen Barrett.
“So tie those threads together for me. The fact that you feel obligated to accept what she offers and you want to be part of her life and you want to share your life with her. How do those fit together?”
Kelly sat back and thought for several minutes, the silence between them not uncomfortable. “I don’t think there is one.”
Dr. Hinton waved her hand as if to say, More…
“If I felt obligated to accept her actions I wouldn’t want to share my life with her. I wouldn’t want to tell her what I’ve been able to do.”
“And why is that?”
“Because that would only make her feel guiltier. She’d continue to think she was responsible for me not being able to go to the grocery store, or the bank, or anywhere where there was more than one person without looking over my shoulder. That would only make her feel guiltier and increase her actions to try to assuage the guilt.” Kelly sat back against the couch and rubbed her face with both hands. “God, what a fucking vicious circle,” she concluded.
“Yes, it can be. Emotions like guilt and obligation and responsibility can drive us into behaviors that may or may not be good for us. May or may not be good for the person with whom you feel you need to make amends to. The more you do it, the guiltier you feel because you can never make up for what you think you did wrong. There’s never enough. And until you realize that and forgive yourself…”
“Then I’ll continue the behavior,” Kelly said. “So how do I get Barrett to forgive herself?”
“You don’t. You can’t. You can’t do anything. Whatever you’d try would be just as ineffective as what she’s trying to do. They don’t work. On the contrary, they feed on each other.”
“So then what do I do?”
“I don’t think you can do anything other than graciously accept. It’s a fine line between gushing over what’s been given to you and ignoring it, acting like it’s not a big deal.”
“And only I can figure that out.”
“I’m afraid so.”
*
“I don’t care.”
“What do you mean you don’t care?”
“Listen to me, Debra. Read my lips if you have to. I said I don’t care.” They were in her office and had been arguing for the last ten minutes, and Barrett wasn’t sure she even knew what the subject was anymore.
Barrett was determined to appear like she’d readjusted and was getting back into the swing of her life. On the inside, however, she was anxious and unsettled. She hadn’t spoken to Kelly in four days and was desperate to hear her voice.
In the past several weeks since Kelly had called in the middle of the night, she’d gone from bad to worse. She’d snapped at everyone, didn’t return calls, and had cancelled several meetings with prospective clients.
“What’s going on with you, Barrett?” Debra’s voice was calmer than it had been a moment ago. “And please don’t tell me nothing. I know you better than that. Actually, I probably know you better than you know yourself.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I mean it,” she added when Debra looked at her skeptically. She didn’t want to admit to herself that she just flat-out missed Kelly. She certainly wasn’t going to admit it to anyone else.
What was Kelly doing? Did she go back to work? Had she reconnected with her friends? Her parents? How was baby girl Ryan? Did she need anything? Because she couldn’t help Kelly, Barrett felt completely empty, like she was wandering around in an open field with no direction or purpose. She was looking for a guidepost she couldn’t find.
“Please, Debra,” she said. Barrett didn’t care if it sounded like she was pleading. She didn’t care about anything anymore. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Debra looked at her, obviously deciding whether to push Barrett or just let it go. The longer she waited, the more uncomfortable Barrett became. This was new to her too. She often used silence as an effective negotiating tactic, but now it was against her. Finally Debra spoke.
“I never thought I’d say this, Barrett, but you’re in some deep shit over this woman.”
“What are you talking about? What woman?” God, that was lame, she thought, and she’d just made a complete ass of herself by asking such asinine questions. Debra looked at her with that you-know-exactly-what-and-who-I’m-talking-about look.
“Okay.” She acquiesced. “I admit I’m worried about how Kelly’s doing, but I wouldn’t say it’s anywhere near deep shit.”
“Uh-huh.”
“No, really, she’s been through a lot.” God damn, she wished Debra would say something. She was feeling more and more like an idiot every second. “She’s straight, Debra.” Fuck. That sealed it. She was a complete idiot.
Chapter Twenty-one
“I can’t do that,” Kelly said emphatically. Bed rest for the next six weeks was out of the question. She had things to do. She had to get her job back, buy baby furniture, and at least ten dozen other things.
“Kelly, listen to me,” her obstetrician, Dr. Reed, had said patiently during an emergency visit. She had been spotting off and on for several days. Kelly liked Dr. Reed. She’d been recommended by one of her friends
who wasn’t subtly or in some cases not so subtly pushing her to give her daughter up for adoption. They, however, didn’t call it her daughter or the baby. She guessed if they called her baby “it,” it wouldn’t seem like a real person.
She’d talked with Dr. Hinton about her friends’ reactions many times. The conversations about her parents were even more numerous. Everyone had their opinion and views about abortion and adoption, but Kelly had known from the beginning that she’d be the one to live with the consequences. It would be her face in the mirror every morning, her hopes and dreams that would be affected. This was the most personal decision possible. She’d made hers and never looked back.
“Kelly, you’re a nurse, and I don’t need to tell you this, but I will,” Dr. Reed had said. “You’re in danger of delivering early, and your baby isn’t ready. Her lungs aren’t developed enough and she’ll have trouble breathing. She might have to be on a ventilator. She may have jaundice, bleeding in her brain, an immature gastrointestinal and digestive tract, and not be able to maintain her body heat.”
If Dr. Reed had been trying to scare her, it was mission accomplished. If she’d lost the baby early on it might have been for the best, but this was her child, her daughter, and she loved her more than she could ever imagine.
Kelly gathered her laptop, large bottle of water, and the telephone before she parked her butt on the couch. Dr. Reed had given her specific instructions to do nothing more strenuous than going to the bathroom or making a sandwich. No serious cooking, no running to the store or the mailbox. She couldn’t be on her feet for more than a few minutes, and absolutely no lifting.
Her laptop no longer fit on her lap, so she put the breakfast tray over her legs instead. She needed to buy a few things for the baby and had better get on the stick and get it done. She was running out of time. Her friends had offered to give her a baby shower, but she’d declined. The last thing she needed was a bunch of women stumbling all over themselves not to say the wrong thing. It only made sense to her, but her baby and everything surrounding it was private.
Her daughter was due in four weeks, and she hadn’t settled on a name, didn’t have a stitch of furniture, and had only begun to pick up baby clothes here and there. She needed diapers and blankets, and her baby couldn’t come home unless she was securely strapped in a car seat.
She was reading consumer reviews about strollers when the phone rang. Butterflies scampered around in her stomach when her favorite picture of Barrett popped up on the caller ID.
“Hey, stranger. How’s your trip?” Barrett had been in Hong Kong for a week, and with the time difference they’d only been able to talk a few times.
“Long and over,” Barrett replied.
God, it was good to hear her voice. “Are you at home?” Kelly looked at the clock on the wall over the TV.
“No.”
“Barrett, it’s eight thirty. I hope you’re not still at the office. You work too much.” Kelly knew Barrett often stayed late at the office.
“I’m not at the office.”
Something in Barrett’s tone made her stomach flutter. It wasn’t the baby. She was long past the flutter stage and was well into serious, breath-stopping kicks. “Where are you then?”
“At your front door.”
*
“What?” Just then Kelly’s doorbell rang. She started to jump up, but the baby wouldn’t let her. She scooted forward on the couch cushion and managed to stand without knocking over her water or her laptop. She hurried to the door and pulled it open.
Barrett stood there looking even better than Kelly remembered. It had been six weeks since their emotional good-bye at the airport, and seeing her made Kelly realize just how much she missed her.
“Hi,” Barrett said, her smile beaming in the porch light. “I took a big chance in stopping by, but I wanted to see you.”
Barrett spoke fast, her words clipped, and Kelly realized she was nervous. Her smile started to fade.
“Is this a bad time?”
“Oh, my God, Barrett. You’re actually here,” Kelly sputtered out, still shocked over her sudden appearance. She practically jumped into Barrett’s arms, at least as much as baby girl Ryan allowed.
Barrett’s arms around her felt wonderful. They were like a shield protecting her from anything that could harm her.
“Hey, I missed you too. Maybe we better go inside. What are your neighbors going to think?”
“That you came back to me,” she said without thinking. “God, it’s good to see you. I’ve missed you so much.” She stepped back and kissed Barrett on the mouth, then felt Barrett stiffen and drop her arms. Kelly pulled away and looked at Barrett’s odd expression.
“Come on in, come in.” Kelly took Barrett’s hand and pulled her through the door. “What are you doing here? I can’t believe you’re really here.” She hugged Barrett again. “How did you get here? I thought you were in Hong Kong?” Question after question tumbled out of her mouth so quickly she didn’t give Barrett a chance to answer any of them.
They sat on the couch facing each other, both not saying anything. She couldn’t believe Barrett was in her living room sitting right next to her. Barrett looked wonderful and she couldn’t stop touching her. She hadn’t let go of Barrett’s hand since she’d grabbed it and pulled her inside. But her other hand kept straying to their hands, her arm, and finally her cheek.
Barrett’s eyes darkened and her expression changed. Concerned she’d done something wrong, Kelly began to pull her hand away when Barrett trapped it against her cheek. This time something flashed in her eyes. Kelly suddenly found it hard to breathe. After what felt like both an instant and forever, Barrett turned her head and lightly kissed her palm.
Barrett’s eyes burned brighter and Kelly had an overwhelming need to kiss her. Not a chaste welcome-home kiss like the one they’d shared at the door, but an honest-to-goodness kiss. A kiss that made her toes curl and her brain shut down. Where she couldn’t think, only feel. A kiss that led to that place where she’d never be the same again. And Kelly wanted to go there. She needed to go there. It’d been so long since she’d felt like this. It’d been so long since she’d felt anything. She leaned forward.
Slowly she closed the distance between her lips and Barrett’s. Her mind was screaming at her to stop, but she couldn’t. She didn’t want to. She wanted this kiss more than she’d wanted anything in her life. It was right. After so much in her life that was wrong, this was right. Absolutely right.
Barrett moved toward her a fraction of an inch and Kelly’s pulse skyrocketed. Barrett wanted this too! She wanted to kiss her. This was a game changer. Kelly kissed her.
It was soft and gentle at first, not unlike others they’d shared in greeting or leaving. But it quickly turned into something else. Barrett’s lips were warm and soft and tentative, but Kelly wanted more. She moved slightly, sliding her hand behind Barrett’s head, and Barrett immediately responded.
Kelly was rocked to her soul and completely lost any sense of time and space. She was floating on a sensation unlike anything she’d ever experienced, transported to a place she never wanted to leave. She deepened the kiss. No longer were they simply comrades in a battle for survival, an experience that would tie them together forever. No, they’d crossed the line, and Kelly never wanted to go back. Barrett reached for her.
*
A sudden pain ripped through Kelly. She wrenched away, grabbing her stomach and breathing in short, sharp gasps. The pain was piercing.
“Kelly! What is it? Is it the baby? Is something wrong?”
No, not now. Please not now, you’re not ready, she pleaded silently to her baby. She held her hand up as the pain subsided. Thankfully Barrett stopped asking questions as she tried to catch her breath. At last she could talk.
“She’s been a little temperamental these last few weeks,” she replied, finally able to take a deep breath.
“What does that mean?” Barrett’s voice was filled with concern. “Exactly wha
t does that mean?”
“She wants to come out and join the world, but she’s not ready. Dr. Reed put me on bed rest until my due date.”
“And you didn’t tell me!” Barrett demanded, anger replacing concern. “When did this happen?”
“Two weeks ago.” Kelly waited for Barrett’s reaction, but it wasn’t at all what she expected. She was angry, almost furious.
“Two weeks?” Barrett’s eyebrows rose skeptically. How could the fire in her eyes one minute ago now mean something altogether different? Kelly nodded. Barrett’s jaw clenched.
“Were you going to tell me?” She hesitated, and Barrett didn’t give her a chance to continue. “You weren’t, were you?”
“Of course I was.”
“When? After the baby was born? Were you even going to tell me you had the baby?”
Barrett’s tone was icy. Her daughter didn’t like it either and kicked her disapproval. “Barrett. You were out of town and I didn’t want to bother you.”
“And your doctor putting you on bed rest wasn’t important enough to call?” Barrett got up and started pacing the room. “Didn’t want to…do you think so little of me to believe something like this wouldn’t bother me? Jesus, Kelly.” Barrett ran her hands through her hair, obviously perplexed and something else, but Kelly had no idea what.
“What would you have done, Barrett? Charter another private jet and fly here to take care of me?” Now she was angry. Why was she getting shit? This was her life, her baby. She was perfectly capable of taking care of both. “I am not believing this is happening,” she said, disgusted with this entire scene. She started to get up.
“Sit down,” Barrett barked.
“Excuse me?” Kelly made it clear that no one would speak to her like this. Never again.
