The Lights of Tenth Street

by Shaunti Feldhahn

  “But even if I can’t remove myself from the situation, I can do something about my reaction to her.” Eric picked up Doug’s crumpled butter packet. “No matter what, I can avoid ‘buttering the roll’—I can avoid doing anything that will make it even more attractive to me. Going that next step or not is up to me. I may not be able to do anything about the fact that this woman is attractive, but I can sure avoid anything that will make her even more attractive. If I’m ruthless about not giving those thoughts or images an audience, I’ve avoided buttering the bread. But if I leave that mental door open even a crack, and allow myself to entertain those images for even a few seconds, now I’m hungry and I’ve just purposely buttered that bread. Now it’s my fault that it’s more tempting and more difficult to avoid.”

  “Well, yeah, but it’s not like you’re going to act on it or anything.”

  Eric raised his eyebrows. “No, but it doesn’t matter if it even gets that far, right? I don’t want to commit adultery in my heart.”

  “Of course. I was just making the point.”

  “Well, but see, that is the point. If I’m tempted—and let myself be tempted—I’m desiring someone other than Lisa. You’d be desiring someone other than Sherry. Not only is that a sin against the Lord, it undermines my relationship with the person I love most in this world. I’ve heard of many men—mature Christian men—who kept buttering the roll more and more and eventually it turned into an affair.”

  Doug paused, then shook his head. “We would never let that happen.”

  “You’re so sure? What do you think happened to the former pastor and his wife?”

  “Of Trinity Chapel? They retired and moved to Florida.”

  “No. He had an affair with a thirty-year-old parishioner, and when it was found out the church asked him to resign. He and his wife are living in Florida, but separated.”

  “That’s terrible.” Doug’s head was swimming. “I never heard that.”

  “You were away getting your MBA, and they kept it as quiet as they could.” He grimaced. “As quiet as they could given the church gossips who spread the news faster than an e-mail chain letter.”

  Doug sat there, trying to pull his fractured thoughts together. Their former pastor had been a tremendous man of God, a good friend of Doug’s, one of the main people who helped grow Sherry’s relationship with the Lord. He had been a rock for the church, the main reason it had grown from several hundred members to several thousand in just a few years. And because of his humble spirit and gift of evangelism, many of those new members were new believers.

  Doug looked up, shaken. “I can’t understand what happened.”

  “What usually happens.” Eric sighed. “He looked great on the outside, but inside he must’ve allowed something that undermined him. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to throw away a wonderful thirty-five-year marriage and a devoted church flock. It had to have been something that happened over time. He allowed the door to crack open just a bit … just a few more thoughts … just a few more conversations. He allowed himself to butter that tempting bread. And one day, he just stopped avoiding that temptation. The same exact thing could happen to you, could happen to me, if we don’t guard our hearts. I’m as vulnerable as the next guy.”

  The flight attendant came by to clear away Doug’s empty plates, and he reached for a magazine in the seat pocket in front of him. Eric sat back, staring out the window. Doug reread the same page three times before he sighed and closed the magazine. His voice was low.

  “So what do you do?”

  Eric didn’t turn his head. “When?”

  “When it’s turned into a struggle—more than the norm, I mean.”

  There was a long pause, and then Eric turned back. “I have to get away from it as soon as I can. Lisa and I have a rule, for cases when I’m really struggling, when I’ve gone further in my thoughts than I should have.”

  “Glad to hear it’s not just me.”

  “Good heavens, man, no. Anyway, what was I saying?”

  “Your rule.”

  “Right. Well, I promise Lisa that I’ll have no private meetings with the woman who’s causing that mental struggle—causing IT, so to speak. And no going out to dinner.”

  Doug looked up, surprised. “With just that woman, you mean?”

  “Nope. If IT has arisen in my mind during a meeting, I don’t even go out with a group. If IT is going to dinner, I’m not going.”

  “But isn’t that unfair to her? What if she needs to keep discussing business with you?”

  “Then I can discuss it at a scheduled meeting the next day in an office setting.”

  “But that is condescending to her as a businesswoman.” Doug gave an incredulous laugh. “How can you justify treating another executive that way just because she’s a woman?”

  “It has nothing to do with her personally, you know.” Eric was looking at him, curious. “It has everything to do with IT—my response to her. This struggle has now arisen, and I’m in danger. I need to get myself out of danger.”

  “But what about her feelings? It just seems so rude.”

  “Well, obviously I don’t do it in a rude way! There are ways to be fully businesslike, where no one knows I’m trying to avoid her company.”

  “I’m just surprised that you would risk hurting her feelings just to avoid a few struggles over dinner.”

  “Well, first of all, of course I don’t want to hurt her feelings. And as far as I know, I never have!” Eric leaned close and caught Doug’s gaze. “But if any woman is going to get her feelings hurt, it’s not going to be my wife.” He raised one eyebrow slightly, and sat back, shrugging. “That’s just the bottom line for me.”

  Doug’s mind drifted to the Silicon Valley meetings with Jill. He gave a mental snort. Eric is way too paranoid about this. I’m not going to go out and have an affair just because I have a group dinner with a woman I find attractive. I’m happily married I love Sherry.

  He looked back at the news magazine in his lap, and opened it again, giving it a firm shake. “Well, thanks for sharing your thoughts, Eric.”

  “Sure thing. You know, we need to do lunch after church with you all. It would be fun to get together when we’re both home.”

  Doug gave him a polite smile. “Any time.”

  As the “final descent” announcement came over the loudspeaker, Doug took his coat from the overhead bin and stored his bag under the seat. On impulse, he pulled out his wallet and stared at the recent picture he had shown Jill at that first dinner. He loved Sherry so much. He would never do anything to hurt her or their marriage. Sure, he got annoyed with her at times, and things had been a bit tense the last few months, but none of that changed the big picture. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him—other than his salvation, of course—and he was so blessed to have her. And the kids. He tucked the wallet into his coat pocket, a prayer of thankfulness going through his mind. God had been so good to them.

  The plane wheels touched down with a squeal, and the aircraft began the long taxi back to the appropriate gate. Doug leaned toward his friend and grinned.

  “I can’t wait to see the look on Sherry’s face.”

  Eric cocked an eyebrow before comprehension dawned. “Oh, that’s right—she thinks you’re going to miss the show.”

  “They all do. I’m trying to figure out how best to surprise them.”

  “Hmm.” Eric’s eyes twinkled. “We should coordinate somehow. I’m going straight to the church after I pick up my luggage. Do you need a ride?”

  “That would be great. I figure we’ll be there about thirty minutes before show time.”

  The plane pulled up to the gate, and the passengers disembarked. The two men walked together along the crowded concourse, developing their plan as they headed for the underground tram that would take them to the baggage claim.

  As they rode the down escalator, Doug’s phone rang. He glanced at the readout and made an amused grimace.

 
“Doh! It’s Sherry. I didn’t call her today. She’s probably furious with me.” He grinned as the ringing stopped. “I’m supposed to be on a plane right now, so she probably just wanted to leave a voice mail berating me for not calling her.”

  Eric looked at him, curious. “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because I’m not that good an actor. I was in the airport really early today. I thought I might give it away if she asked where I was and I had to lie through my teeth.”

  “Good point.”

  Five minutes later, the tram got stuck underground, the automated voice apologizing every minute. “We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.”

  By the time they were done “standing by,” both men were looking anxiously at their watches. They ran up the escalator and raced to the baggage claim.

  EIGHTEEN

  Sherry Turner hurried up to the house and rang the bell, admiring the festive holly and ivy that festooned the walkway. The front door opened, and Lisa Elliott gave Rebekah a big hug before shooing her out the door.

  Rebekah trotted down the walk toward Sherry’s van, clutching a bag filled with her costume and makeup. Lisa gave Sherry a quick hug as well.

  “Thanks so much. I’ll be along in an hour or so. Would you save a seat for me and Eric?”

  Sherry smiled. “Sure thing.” Without warning, she was overtaken by a huge yawn.

  “Goodness. Are you okay?”

  “Sorry.” Sherry put her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle another yawn. “Brandon is sick, and he’s been up a lot the last few nights. He’s staying home with a babysitter.” She gave a rueful laugh. “I wish I could stay home with a babysitter!”

  “You sure you’re okay to take the girls to the warm-up? Why don’t I—”

  “No, no, I’m fine. I’ll see you there.”

  She climbed back in the van and sped off toward the church.

  A voice piped up from the backseat. “Thanks for picking me up, Mrs. Turner.”

  “No problem, Rebekah. I’m glad to do it. Genna had to be there for the warm-up, too, you know.”

  In the rearview mirror, Sherry saw Genna tug on the older girl’s coat sleeve, heard the small voice.

  “Are you nervous?”

  Rebekah’s voice was also quiet. “A little, I guess.”

  “This is my first ever show.”

  “Really? It gets easier the more you do it. You’ll be great. When I did the show last year, I …”

  Sherry listened in amusement, thankful as Rebekah stepped into the “big sister” role.

  “Is your daddy going to be there?” Genna asked.

  “Yes. He’s flying home tonight. He may be a little late, but he’ll be there.”

  There was a long pause, then a quavering whisper. “I want my daddy to be there, too.”

  Sherry started to respond, but Rebekah leaned over and patted her daughter’s arm.

  “I’m sorry, Genna. Why don’t you tell God how you feel?”

  Immediately, the little girl clasped her hands together, fingers tightly intertwined. She scrunched her eyes shut.

  “Dear God, this is Genna. I’m sad my daddy is in California. Please bring him home tonight to see my show. Amen.”

  Sherry grimaced. Rebekah had meant well. But the four-year-old had no concept of how far away California was. She probably thought that her dad could change his mind at the last minute and show up after all, if he really wanted to.

  Sherry looked in the rearview mirror and roused a bright smile. “Sweetheart, God hears your prayer. Your daddy will be home tonight, but after the show. He’ll be there at breakfast in the morning. Okay?”

  Genna still had her hands clasped. She looked down at them, then back at Sherry, her eyes wide. “But I prayed, Mommy.”

  “I know, sweetheart. And God heard you. And He loves you and wants what’s best for you. But sometimes He asks us to wait for things we want. Daddy will be home later. He’ll be so excited to see you, and you can tell him all about your play and show him the videotape in a few days. How about that?”

  Genna settled back in her seat, her hands firmly clasped. “Okay, Mommy. But I’m still going to pray.”

  Sherry dropped the girls off at the front door and found a parking space. She walked with tired steps up to the church and took a seat, fighting to keep her eyes open in the deserted sanctuary.

  She rested her head on the back of the pew in front of her and tried not to cry. She knew Doug cared about his family, but here she was again, lonely, without him. She was tired of feeling like a single parent, up all night with sick kids. And why was she always having to apologize to the kids for their father’s absence? And now, her little girl was not only going to be heartbroken, she was going to be confused about prayer, about whether God really heard her cries.

  Sherry gave a sad laugh and sat back in her empty pew. She’d wondered the same thing a few times.

  She fished her cell phone out of her purse and started to dial Doug’s number. She hesitated, clicked the phone shut, then picked it up and dialed again.

  “Doug, this is Sherry. I wish you had called me today before you got on your flight. How many times do I have to ask you to keep in touch when you’re traveling?” The words gushed out, and somehow she didn’t want to stop them. “It makes me wonder whether I really matter to you at all. And just so you’ll know before you see your daughter in the morning, Genna prayed that you’d be here tonight for her show. I told her we don’t always get what we want, when we want it, which I’m starting to realize myself.” She paused, then added, grudgingly, “I love you. I hope you make it in safe tonight.”

  She clicked the phone shut. Instead of feeling better after unloading her anger, she felt worse.

  Great. Now I’m a nagging wife, too. She forced her mind away from that thought. He deserved it.

  The two men hurried to Eric’s car and exited the airport. For the next thirty minutes, Doug could hardly sit still. He watched the clock, anxious at every traffic slowdown, every stoplight.

  For the next half hour, Sherry sat in the pew, fighting an internal battle as the church gradually filled up around her. The more she tried to convince herself she’d done the right thing in leaving that message for Doug, the worse she felt. She had to find a way to distract herself.

  Several people she knew took a seat right in front of her, chattering about something. She leaned over and tapped their shoulders. “Merry Christmas, you guys.”

  They turned, surprised. “Oh—Merry Christmas, Sherry.” They gave her a quick smile, and then turned back to their conversation.

  So much for Christmas cheer. She greeted others as they found their seats, answering the question “Where’s Doug?” with a saccharine smile, over and over again.

  “He’s in California on business. He couldn’t get away.”

  “Oh, what a shame.” The inevitable pat on the shoulder. “Well, he can see the video.”

  Each time, Sherry nodded and murmured her thanks, forcing herself to smile. She looked up in relief when Lisa rushed in.

  “Where’s Eric?”

  “He got hung up at the airport. He’ll be here soon.” She laid her coat across a long space next to her, by now the only free space on the row. “Apparently he’s bringing someone with him. A friend he ran into at the airport or something.” She looked over, and her smile faded. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Lisa was silent for a minute as she set her purse under the bench in front of her. She spoke without looking over.

  “Sherry, one of the things that drives me crazy about this church is this surfacey ‘everything’s fine’ thing. I can tell something’s wrong. If you want to talk about it, I want to listen.”

  Sherry sat on her hands and gazed up at the church’s graceful ceiling.

  Where are You, God?

  She looked back at Lisa. “It’s nothing earth-shattering. I’m just upset with Doug.”

  “You feel like he should’ve been
here?”

  “I feel like he could have been here! It’s not like he didn’t know about it. He just forgot!”

  “But he had his meetings—”

  “He scheduled those meetings after I told him about the show date. He could’ve arranged everything differently from the start, in time to be home—like Eric did—but he just plain forgot. It just wasn’t important enough to remember. He just didn’t care about his own daughter’s show!”

  She caught a curious glance from the people in front of her and fell silent. Great. Now her marriage was fodder for the gossip mill.

  Lisa reached over and gave her a hug. She kept her arm around Sherry for a few moments, then gave a gentle squeeze and released her.

  “Doug loves you all a lot. Are you sure he truly doesn’t care, Sherry?”

  Sherry gave an exasperated sigh. “He cares. I know he does. He’s pretty upset about missing tonight, too, especially once he heard how upset Genna was. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s his fault and he could have been here.”

  “Yeah, I know. But can I make a suggestion?” At Sherry’s nod, she wrinkled her nose a bit. “I don’t … I don’t think it will help to berate him about it. Husbands walk a fine line all the time, trying to please both work and home, and he’s working awfully hard to support your family.”

  “But home should be his first priority—not his last!”

  “I know. I know. Believe me,” she gave a short laugh, “I’ve been there, babe. Eric and I have been around this mountain multiple times over the years. But … well, what I’ve found is that Eric truly wants to be home with me and the kids, and honestly feels that he tries to be home as much as he can be, given the constraints of his job. The only other solution would be to get a different job. And for the moment, I just couldn’t ask that of him—he’s so alive with this one, he loves it so much. I want him to love what he does for a living. That is so important to a guy, you know.”

  “No more so than for a woman.” Sherry looked sideways, affronted. “I loved my job, too, and I gave it up in order to be home with the kids for a few years. Why can’t he make the same kind of sacrifice?”