The Lights of Tenth Street

by Shaunti Feldhahn

“Well, think about it. Confessing this is devastating to you, but you’ll be feeling free from the dark secrets for the first time. You’ll be sad that you’ve upset your wife, but you’ll be thinking that you’re finally honest, that you are finally able to share these things with her. You may wind up feeling closer to her than ever. She, on the other hand, will be feeling betrayed. She’ll wonder if you love her at all, will be feeling like she’s finally waking up to how little this marriage has meant to you. To you, you may have just been looking at pictures on a screen; to her, you were willing to defile her lifelong marital love with a five-minute prostitute.”

  “I never—I wouldn’t cheat on her!”

  “That’s not what I mean, Doug. But God created us as sexual beings, and He says point-blank that when you engage in a sexual act with someone that you become one with her—that you are bonded with her in a spiritual way. Every sexual encounter will affect you somehow … even if it involves you, alone, staring at printed pictures. You’re becoming bonded, becoming one in a way that God intended solely for the covenant marriage bond. Your spirit is creating oneness with someone other than your wife. In that way, you have cheated on her. And she may very well feel cheated on, even if you never slept with another woman.”

  Eric stirred, looking at his pastor. “If I could jump in …?”

  “Please.”

  “It’s not just an issue of looking at a few pictures, Doug. Many men—myself included—have nothing to be proud of in that area. And to a certain extent, some times we might, to our shame, take a peek and satisfy a natural curiosity without it having devastating consequences. But we cross a line when we go beyond that curiosity and come back for a second peek … for a third. That’s when it gets even more dangerous, becomes closer to cheating, so to speak. If we somehow can’t stop ourselves, if we go deeper and deeper, especially if we begin to keep secrets or deceive our wives, we’ve gone deep into territory that is hurtful to our marriages.”

  Doug heaved a sigh. “I’ve been deceiving myself for so long, thinking that it wasn’t affecting us—just me.”

  “There’s no way for it not to affect you both, Doug.” Pastor Steven gave him a sad smile. “Trust me on this. It was only after I’d finally been delivered that I realized how much had been affected before that I couldn’t even see. But that’s a subject for another time. We’ll need to get to it soon, but not today. There’s too much else to do right now.”

  “So what do I have to do?”

  “Well, you’ll need to prepare ahead of time to carry the load that this news will place on her. For years you’ve been carrying around a heavy secret—picture yourself carrying around, everywhere you go, a huge suitcase stuffed with all the illicit magazines you’ve ever looked at.”

  Doug made a face, and the other two men were forced to chuckle. Doug gave them a rueful smile. “It would be a pretty heavy suitcase.”

  “Exactly. Now picture this: You tell your wife your secret, and suddenly … you’re free of the load! The problem is, that suitcase hasn’t gone away. It’s merely been transferred to your wife. Now she’s picked that dreadful burden up and is carrying it around. She’s living every day under the weight of it. So you need to do everything possible to lift that weight. Show her that you’re not only serious about change, but serious about doing whatever it takes to regain her trust. Getting accountability partners will be a good first step. But it may not be enough for you to promise to tell them everything. She may view you as having broken other promises. If she’s anything like my wife—or the many other wives I know who’ve gone through this—she’s going to want carte blanche access to your possessions. And she’s going to want your accountability partners to have that access, as well.”

  “You mean … like my computer?”

  “Like your computer, your drawers and filing cabinets—anywhere you might hide something you’d prefer to keep secret. You should probably start by installing both filtering and tracking software on your computer so your wife can see everything you’ve done on the computer, if she wants.”

  Doug could feel the color draining from his face, could feel the eyes of the other two men on him, watchful.

  “Doug,” Eric said, “it’s all about honoring Sherry—and honoring the Lord—and doing everything you can to keep yourself pure. Sherry needs to know that you’re serious about this, that you’re willing to do whatever it takes.”

  After a long silence, Pastor Steven took back the floor. “She also needs to know that you’re willing to do what it takes to rectify the blackmail situation—which in some ways may be just as difficult. It sounds to me like you may have been compromised into doing something illegal—or close to it—and we don’t know what unforeseen consequences may come from that if it’s not corrected.”

  “Okay.” Doug heard the hoarseness in his voice, and he gripped the arms of the chair and forced the words out. “Okay. I’ll talk to Sherry tonight. And Eric—” he turned to his friend. “Not to be a total wimp here, but would you and Lisa come with me? I feel like I can’t do this on my own.”

  Pastor Steven nodded. “Actually, that’s a very good idea. Sherry will need a girlfriend to lean on, and if Lisa’s willing, I think she’d be wonderful. She’s mature and compassionate, and I think she can handle it if Sherry wants to vent now and then.”

  Doug hung his head. “I can’t believe I’m the cause of so much trouble for my family. This morning, I actually thought it might be better if I just jumped out a window and spared them the pain.”

  “That, my friend, is a lie straight from the pit of hell.” Pastor Steven’s voice quavered and his eyes flashed with anger. “Satan is called the accuser of the brethren, and he’s doing it right this very minute! He uses every wile to tempt wonderful Christian men, Christian husbands, with these illicit activities, then he bombards you with shame for doing them! And then he plants the thought that it would be better to leave your wife and children than to go through the refining fire and come out the other side cleansed and forgiven.”

  The pastor stood, and he seemed suddenly taller, more powerful.

  “Come here, Doug! If you’re willing, right now we’re going to pray for you to be delivered from this temptation, from all that the enemy has woven around you over the years, from any foul spirits that have tried to attack you. This is where it stops!”

  Doug shot to his feet, and his pastor placed his hands on his shoulders and began to pray.

  “Lord God, come be with us now and show us how to pray! We ask, Lord, that You do everything that is necessary to deliver our brother from his long struggle, and to heal him and his family. Right now in the name of Jesus, we come against any plans and purposes of the enemy over Doug Turner’s life. We bind any foul spirits who have attacked him and command them to go, in the name of Jesus!”

  O Lord, help me! I cannot do this on my own! Prepare Sherry’s heart, Lord!

  Doug sensed Eric step up behind him, praying in agreement with their pastor. He felt his friend’s hand against his back, the unwavering support. He began to sob, shaking with wracking moans as his two friends held him, letting out years of grief, years of stoic independence, years of pride and secret shame. The pain passed through him like a storm as the Holy Spirit swept his house clean and purified him. And his sins were forgiven.

  Doug was swept up in an eternal embrace. There was such kindness. Such gentleness. No rebuke. No condemnation. The exact opposite of everything the enemy had whispered to him for so many years. Doug felt wrapped in the purest, most unconditional love he had ever known. The presence of the Lord was so thick, he felt he couldn’t breathe. But he never wanted to leave. He knew—perhaps for the first time in his life—he knew his Father loved him despite his faults, despite his sin.

  That is why I died for you, you know. So that you would not have to bear the burden you have been carrying.

  Doug groped for the mind of his heavenly Father, desperate to hold onto that precious touch. Don’t leave me, Lord!

>   And into his mind, one after the other, came the Word. I will never leave you, nor forsake you … I am father to the fatherless … My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness …

  He came to his senses on the rich carpet of his pastor’s office. He was on his knees, on his face, the soft weave wet with his tears. He could feel the steady hands of his friends, but their voices were silent. He finally stirred himself and sat up.

  “He spoke to me.” Doug’s voice was thick with emotion. “He spoke to me.”

  “What did he say?” Pastor Steven asked.

  Doug closed his eyes, repeating almost under his breath. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I am father to the fatherless. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness …”

  Pastor Steven stood and pulled Doug to his feet. “The Lord knows what you need to be healed, my friend. It’s not just a matter of praying for deliverance from the evil one. You must also be healed from whatever wounds have driven you to need these sinful actions. His ‘power is made perfect in your weakness.’ But that’s a subject for another time, hopefully another time soon when both you and Sherry can come in for counseling. If she’s willing.”

  Doug gripped Steven’s hand. “Here’s hoping, pastor. And I’ve kept you long enough. I guess I have a lot to do before I talk to Sherry this evening.”

  THIRTY-THREE

  Sherry parked the van in Eric and Lisa’s driveway. Doug’s car was already there, parked right in front of her. She made no move to open the door but just sat there, listening to the soft popping noises as the engine cooled down.

  Her mind had been racing through the horrible scenarios all day. He’d contracted incurable cancer. He’d been fired. He’d lost all their money gambling … He’d had an affair.

  Sherry closed her eyes, praying a shapeless, desperate prayer. She walked toward the kitchen door and stopped five feet away, reluctant to knock.

  Lisa opened the door with a smile and a big hug of welcome. Sherry couldn’t smile back. She stared Lisa in the face.

  “What’s going on, Lisa?”

  Lisa linked her arm through Sherry’s. “The guys are in the den. The kids had dinner already, and they’re sequestered upstairs for the night, with orders not to disturb us. We’ve got some time to talk in private. Come on.”

  Sherry would have hung back, but Lisa’s gentle grip was firm. She pulled her through the kitchen, through the hallway, and into the small den, where a fire crackled.

  Doug was sitting near Eric, deep in discussion. Both men broke off when Lisa and Sherry came in. Doug came to his wife, tense and nervous, and enfolded her in a hug.

  Sherry tried to hug him back, tears of panic near the surface. Her voice was strangled against his shoulder.

  “Doug—what—”

  “Let’s sit down, sweetheart.” Doug gestured at the empty space on the sofa where he’d been sitting.

  “I’m not so sure I want to.” Sherry gave a nervous laugh. “I want to know what’s going on first!”

  “Sherry, it’s okay,” Eric said. “Doug has something he needs to tell you, and wanted us here for moral support.”

  Sherry looked at her husband. “Moral support? For—”

  “Let me translate.” Lisa’s voice was wry. “He wanted someone around to make sure you didn’t kill him.”

  Despite herself, Sherry laughed and allowed Doug to guide her to the sofa.

  “Okay, I’m sitting down. Would someone please tell me what’s going on?”

  Doug reached over and took one of her hands, but didn’t look at her.

  “I … have to tell you something that I’ve kept secret for a while. Well, pretty much our entire marriage.”

  Eric cleared his throat, and Doug glanced his direction, and then sighed.

  “Well, actually our entire marriage and long before.” He looked up, and Sherry was stunned by the fear in his eyes. “I have a problem with pornography, Sher. I’ve had it almost my entire life, probably since I was thirteen or so. It started off harmlessly enough, I guess, as a lot of guys do. But I haven’t been able to stop it. It’s gotten worse and worse.”

  “What do you mean worse and worse?” She withdrew her hand from his. “You haven’t … you haven’t had an affair? Have you?” She put her hands to her face. “Please tell me you haven’t—”

  “No.” Doug corralled her hands again and looked her straight in the eye. “No, I promise you, Sherry. I have never had an affair.”

  “Then what … I don’t understand …”

  “I guess I need to explain what … what it means.”

  Sherry listened, stunned, as Doug described how, in college, he would buy magazines and sneak them into his dorm room, where he lived with other Christian men. No one knew. He’d continued the practice after they were married, bringing the magazines and hiding them in his home and work offices, eventually escalating to hotel porn movies on business trips. He described how he had searched for sites on the Internet, seeking out films or pictures he’d heard about. How he’d gone from an occasional visitor to a compulsive one. How he would sneak downstairs when she and the kids were asleep, unable to sleep himself until he’d indulged.

  Sherry pulled her hand away and wrapped her arms around herself, tucking her chin into her chest as if to protect herself from his words.

  “And then I started going to strip clubs. I’d like say it was all Jordan’s fault for forcing me to go with him when we were on a business trip together, but that wouldn’t be true. I kept it up on my own.”

  Sherry closed her eyes, trying unsuccessfully not to picture her husband in one of those places, trying not to imagine her beloved, her best friend, reaching out to tip a gyrating girl with a perfect little body. She shivered. Was he thinking of those girls, those disgusting pictures whenever they were in bed together? Was that the reason their love life had become so stale? He was indulging himself with total strangers.

  “Was this—” She cleared her throat and tried again. “Was this what you were doing all those nights you were ‘at the office’ so late?”

  Doug was looking down, his voice tight. “Some of the time. Yes.”

  She finally looked at her husband straight on, and the tears welled in her eyes. “Do you not love me anymore?”

  “No!” Doug’s gaze shot up, and he reached for her. She recoiled from his touch. “I mean yes! I mean … of course I love you! You’re my life! Why do you think I’m telling you about this?”

  “I thought maybe you’d been caught, and you had no choice.”

  He stared at her face, and answering tears appeared in his eyes. “Sherry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He hung his head, and she could see the tears fall onto his knees, wetting his khakis. “I had to tell you, not just because I got caught, but because I couldn’t stand not to. You deserve to know.”

  “How’d you get caught?” Sherry’s voice was hard. “Where were you?”

  “I don’t know if I should—”

  “Doug.” Eric spoke for the first time, his voice gentle but pointed.

  Doug clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. “I was at The Challenger, that strip club off the highway on the way home from work. Afterwards, I went to get coffee for the way home, and ran into Eric.”

  “When? When were you at the strip club?”

  “Last night.”

  Sherry felt as if reality had shifted, as if something had come and stolen everything she thought she knew about their marriage, their love for one another. She sat, silent and stiff, for a long minute, staring into the crackling fire. Then she spoke without looking at him.

  “Why would you have to fantasize on those … pictures, those sluts! Why would you have to lie to me?”

  His voice was broken. “I don’t know why, Sher. I just can’t seem to stop myself, and I hate myself every single time. I never wanted to hurt you! I’ve prayed; I’ve cried; I’ve asked God’s forgiveness. And I’ve promised never, ever to do it again … but
I always do. I’m hoping that by telling you, somehow, it will help me stop.”

  “Sherry.”

  Lisa’s voice broke in, and Sherry stared at her, annoyed. Why did they have to have such a personal discussion in front of their friends?

  “What?”

  “I’ve read up on this a little bit since Eric called me this morning. And although I’m no expert, I have discovered one thing. A husband can love his wife and kids absolutely and with no reservations, and still be trapped by this temptation. It often has something to do with deep wounds and insecurities that drive him to it, wounds that need to be healed. Obviously, it’s also a choice the man is making, a willful sin, but Doug is making a courageous choice here in baring himself to you and to us, asking for help in healing whatever it is that drives him to this destructive behavior. He wanted to tell you in order to strengthen your marriage, to show his love for you. I hope you can understand that.”

  “I guess … I guess I can understand that to a point.” Sherry’s voice was tight, a sense of loss threatening to swamp her. “But how could he have lied to me? How can I ever trust him again?”

  “That’s what this whole thing is about, Sherry,” Eric said. “Doug wants to do everything possible to be open and honest with you, so that you will trust him again. That’s why we agreed that he needed to answer every question you asked, no matter how hard.” He looked at Doug. “And that leads to another issue that complicates this whole thing even more.”

  Sherry slapped the couch in exasperation. “Great. What is it?”

  “I’m being blackmailed,” Doug said.

  “What?”

  “I have no idea how, but the COO has a video of me at … at the strip club. And of where I went on the Internet. He sprang this on me a few minutes before that board meeting … remember that? He told me to give the board my okay for the Silicon Valley deal or he would send the video to you, to lots of people in our church, and to anyone else where it might ruin my life. I was so scared I’d lose you, I—I did what he said. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, of losing the kids.”