“Hey, hon.” He held his arms out slightly.
“Hey.” Sherry glanced over her shoulder and kept chopping. “Sorry I can’t give you a hug, but my hands are all gross.”
Doug nodded as if he understood. The night before, when they’d gone to Eric and Lisa’s for their second discussion, she didn’t want to smudge her wet nail polish. The night before that she’d had arms full of laundry. He allowed himself a much-needed glimmer of mirth at what the excuse would be tomorrow.
He stepped up beside her and gave her cheek a peck. She accepted the kiss, but her eyes stayed fastened on the vegetables.
“Did you have a good day?”
“It was fine.” Chop. Chop. Chop.
“What did you all do?”
“I helped out at school, then we went to the park.”
Doug stood silent beside her, waiting to see if she’d say anything else. Her face was blank. Chop. Chop. Chop.
“Uh—what’re we having for dinner?”
“Stir-fry.”
“Can I help?”
“I’d rather just do it myself.”
He studied her profile, the wisps of glossy dark hair escaping a simple clasp at her neck. He longed to hold her and stroke her hair and say again how sorry he was for her pain. He longed for her even to cry on his shoulder. But she was so distant, so tense.
Yesterday, at their second meeting with Eric and Lisa, he had reached out to caress her bare arm. She had cringed from his touch.
That one incident, more than anything else, showed Doug how far they had to go, showed him the depth of the consequences of his sin. That night he had waited until she headed for the guest bedroom, and he had cried himself to sleep.
“I guess I’ll go change, then?”
She gave him a polite smile. “Do whatever you’d like. Ten minutes till dinner.”
Doug hesitated. “When are we going to—”
“I made a list, based on our talk with Eric and Lisa. You can look it over after dinner and we can make some final decisions once the kids are in bed.”
Lisa looked at Sherry over a cup of tea, listening to the raucous cries of the kids on the trampoline outside.
“So what did you all decide?”
Sherry stirred her teacup, not looking up. “Well, a few things I guess.” She gave a sad smile. “Doug was so eager to agree to all of my conditions. He agreed that I can look through his belongings at any time, and he won’t keep any locked cabinets. He’d already bought software for the computer so he can’t easily access those sites, and if he does I’ll know about it. For the next few months, he’s promised to let me know where he is whenever he’s not at the office or at home, and he’ll answer his cell phone at all times. I’ll make his hotel reservations and specify that he must have no access to the movie channels. It was all hard on his pride, but he agreed.”
“Anything else?”
“Well, the accountability partners. I can ask them anything without going through him. He agreed to marriage counseling with Pastor Steven. I’d love to find a Christian support group for women, but we obviously can’t ask around at church so I’ll probably have to wait. There’s a few other things …” Sherry sighed. “I know I should be happy and supportive, but I’m still just so … raw. I can’t show him much love or affection. I can’t stand to sleep in the same bed. I know he’s worried that I’ll leave.”
“Will you?” Lisa’s voice was calm. There was a long pause.
“No. No, of course not. How could I? He’s doing everything he can to make things right. I feel betrayed and hurt, and I may have a hard time trusting him. But … despite all of that … I know him. I know his heart is good, even if his behavior is bad. And … I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, too. The Lord gently reminded me of that in my prayer time this morning.”
She went to the window. Lisa was silent behind her. She watched Genna try to stand on the trampoline and fall, giggling, as the older kids bounced around her. She got up again, only to collapse in a heap. Time after time, never tiring of the game.
“I fell so many times, Lisa. Over and over again. Willful disobedience, pursuing momentary pleasure over what my conscience was telling me was right. How can I condemn my husband? I wasn’t a Christian then, and he is, but still … temptation is temptation. Satan attacks in many guises, with many traps that are hard to resist. And we’re sinful creatures. I know Doug has asked for and received God’s forgiveness. And if God could change me when I was a wreck spiritually, how much more can He heal and change a committed believer—a believer who desperately wants to change? I guess I just have to believe that God can give us our marriage back.”
“Have you told Doug this? Told him what you’ve just told me?”
Sherry shook her head.
“Why not?”
“Because … because I want to punish him.” Sherry balled her hands into fists and turned back to her friend. She could feel the wetness on her cheeks. “He betrayed my trust, betrayed everything I thought we had together. I may have to let him off the hook, but I want him to suffer first. At least to suffer some tiny amount of the pain he’s caused me!”
Lisa came to the window and hugged her. “You do what you think is best, and what you need to do. I may think that you’re only hurting yourself, holding on to this pain so tightly, but it’s only been a few days since you found out, and I don’t know how I’d react if I found myself in your shoes. I will only say one thing. You must pray for Doug, even if you have to force it. He needs your prayers, even if he doesn’t yet have your affection. That will help all the way around—it’ll help you heal, and it’ll cover him during a difficult time.”
“I know. I have been. Even when I don’t feel like it.” She gave Lisa a wan smile. “I bet God had you challenge me to an hour of prayer every day, just so I’d be able to walk through this.”
“Could be. I wonder, too, if it wouldn’t help for you and Doug to share with our home group something about your struggles. Otherwise, you’ll just have a wall up that everyone will sense, and you won’t feel free to talk about the most important thing going on in your lives at the moment. Something for both of you to think and pray about.”
“I don’t know. For me, I think it would help. But Doug … well … I know he’d worry about how it made him look.”
“Then perhaps he needs to stop worrying about his image so much and let the Lord protect that. He needs true, honest fellowship—you both need it—and the prayers of more than just two friends. It’d be nice to show folks that we’re not all perfect little robots out there; that Christians have secret problems and hurts and needs just like anybody else. If you could bring yourself to be open, I think it would be a blessing not only to you but to the whole group.”
Sherry hesitated, surprised that her primary concern was for Doug’s feelings. She nodded. “I’ll ask Doug what he thinks.”
“You said that God could give you your marriage back. Well, I believe He’ll do better than that. This is an awful time, but He wastes no lessons, and He takes what the enemy meant for evil and turns it to great good. I bet in a few years you’ll both look back and thank God for all He did in your lives, for all the healing and intimacy. I believe you’ll end up with a stronger marriage than before.”
Sherry glanced out the window, watching Genna again rise and fall. “May it be so.”
A strange look came over Lisa’s face, and she grasped Sherry’s hand. “Can we pray for a minute? Pray for you and Doug? I also feel this need to pray for the church right now.”
Sherry followed Lisa back to the table and sat with bowed head, waiting for her to begin.
Lisa waited a moment. “Lord, I feel like You have a purpose here that’s greater than just restoring Sherry and Doug’s marriage. That You have something for the church. Father, I don’t even know how to pray, but I ask that Your will would be done on earth as it is in heaven, and that everything You have purposed will come to pass. I ask, Lord, that You give Pastor Steven wisdom a
nd strength to guide our church.” She paused. “And now, Lord, about Sherry and Doug …”
THIRTY-FIVE
O God, what do I do?”
Pastor Steven sat on a quiet bench in a distant garden, his head in his hands. A leafy green wall shielded him from a nearby paved pathway, where people occasionally strolled arm-in-arm, or bicycled by without a glance. In this little enclave, even the distant hum of the few cars did not intrude. This spot—his spot—was quiet.
And today, he needed it more than ever. He sat with his Bible in his lap, but his eyes stared unseeing. He wasn’t struggling with God’s words, but his own obedience.
He had told his secretary to reschedule all his appointments for that day, had not explained to his staff what was burning within him. Only his wife knew. His dear wife, his best friend. The one whom the Lord had given back to him despite his years of addictive sin. She was at home that day. Was fasting and praying for him, while he struggled—like Jesus—in a garden.
What would he do? Did he have the courage to follow his Lord? To be crucified with Christ, if that was what his King required? Today, the nails were not made of iron, but of spiteful words, of whispered slander, of public offense and back-stabbing.
Today, he would have to decide whether he would stand before the people and bare his soul, knowing that it might again be ripped to shreds.
He felt his soul was about to shatter under the weight of such obedience, such desperate pain. He grabbed his head, crying out aloud. “How can your people be so cruel, Lord?”
A brilliant light flashed before him, radiant and terrible, a consuming holy fire.
“Because they do not see the log in their eye.”
Dazzled, Steven looked up … and fell prostrate on the grass. A great shining being was standing before him, his brilliance enfolding Steven like a cloak. His voice was deep and laced with the sadness of the Ageless One.
“They do not see their own sin, their own great and desperate need. They judge others because they do not first judge themselves. And they judge those outside the body of Christ, rather than challenging those who have already been redeemed. They cannot unconditionally love the unlovable because they have not yet been broken. They have not yet seen and repented of their judgments, of their selfishness.”
Steven warred between awe and terror, his mind groping to remember everything the great messenger said. He tried to open his mouth, to ask the only question that mattered.
“What does the Lord desire of me?”
“The Lord wants His church to be broken before Him. There are many secret hurts, secret sins, and the saints of God will never fully minister until those are revealed and healed. Until then, much ministry to this lost and hurting world will not look like that of the Lamb of God. The people of God must look like Jesus; must share His unconditional love with the world. Each precious saint must confront his or her own condition. Until then, they will be secretly judgmental of the very sheep they are trying to bring into the fold.”
The messenger’s eyes blazed. “But the Lamb of God sacrificed Himself to take away the sins of the world! That message must be shared and received! Your Body has been chosen by the Almighty One to bear this message to a lost lamb, a lamb on whom much depends. But they are not ready to receive this one. They must be broken, must be awakened!”
Steven had so many questions, but they were all stilled. So many thoughts, but they were put aside. He was insignificant, a vapor … and yet precious, and priceless beyond words.
“It is such an honor—” he found himself choking up, and fought to regain control. “Such an honor that the Lord would choose to speak to me.”
With shock, he realized that the great figure was leaning down, resting a hand on his shoulder. “You, Steven, are greatly beloved of God, just like your namesake, a man full of His grace and power. You have walked through the fire and the valley, and have been chosen for this time. You must choose to sacrifice yourself and minister this message to your flock, and they in turn must choose to sacrifice themselves, and minister Christ’s love to the lost lamb that is coming. Much depends on it.”
Steven bowed his head, somehow sure of what he must say. He closed his eyes, and quieted his heart. “May it be unto me, as you have said.”
The light disappeared, and he was again in the quiet and the stillness, surrounded by green.
The rain beat on the roof of the church as the congregation finished singing and remained standing, awaiting the pastor’s familiar prayer.
Pastor Steven looked out on his flock, at the freshly scrubbed upturned faces, and breathed a quiet prayer as he reached the lectern and opened his notes.
“May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of all our hearts, be pleasing in thy sight O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” He couldn’t remember ever meaning the words more.
He motioned for the people to take their seats. Someone remained standing off to the side, and Steven glanced over. It was his wife, arrayed in brilliant blue, on the front row. She was looking at him, waiting to catch his eye. She put her hand on her heart and mouthed the words, I love you.
He nearly lost it, felt the tears rising perilously close to the surface. Then his wife took her seat and gave him a saucy wink, as if to say “we’re in this together.”
“Good morning, everyone. Sorry about that little interruption there, but I just realized that my wife was making eyes at me.”
There were many titters and outright laughs as people settled in for what was clearly an unusual start to a sermon.
Steven quieted his heart. It was before him now, he had the mandate of the Lord, and that was all he needed. The results were in God’s hands.
“I have a special message to share with you today. One I believe the Lord has given me for just such a time as this. It may be difficult to hear and challenging at times, but please bear with me. And in case there are still any children in the room, a fair warning for all you parents: We will be talking about some adult matters.”
A few people got up here and there, ushering their young children out. The other faces were quiet, intent, and even more curious.
“Please turn with me to our texts for today. First, Matthew chapter seven. Listen to the words of Jesus. “ ‘Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” ’ ”
Steven looked up from his Bible. “Please keep a marker on this place. We’ll come back to it. Next, let’s look at Luke chapter eighteen, starting with verse nine. ‘To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
“ ‘But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” ’ ”
Steven raised a hand for emphasis. “And then Jesus goes on to say something remarkable. Look at this. ‘I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted, ’ ”
Steven laid aside his Bible and looked out at the congregation. “Many of us have heard that story, many times. And most of us think, ‘Thank God I’m not like that Pharisee!’ Well, I have news for each and every one of us. Even by thinking that, we are being like that Pharisee. And we’re pro
ving Jesus’ point!
“We as Christians in our day often act like the religious leaders of Jesus’ day. We don’t mean to or intend to. But you know what? The Pharisees probably didn’t mean to or intend to either. They thought they were doing what God required. So Jesus came along to challenge them, to show them that they were putting the law and all their many rules ahead of God’s heart. His purpose wasn’t to condemn but to correct. But many of them wouldn’t listen.”
Steven looked up, and he caught the congregation in a powerful gaze. “So this is my question for each one of us today. Are we willing to listen? I believe God has given me a special message for us as a church body. Of course, we must always test a message to see if it’s consistent with the Word of God. But if it is, it will be up to each one of us whether we’ll listen and accept the message, or close our minds and reject it.”
There was a profound silence in the room, an intent waiting, punctuated only by the soft drumming of the Creator’s rain on the roof. Steven was overwhelmed by the powerful, electric certainty that the Holy Spirit was there, that the Lord was anointing the words of his mouth.
“I have often missed the point of this story because I focused on the arrogant words of the Pharisee and assumed this parable was simply about the dangers of pride in one’s self. After all, who prays like that?
“Well, I realized something this week: This story is not just about that sort of pride. It’s about exactly what the Bible says it’s about in the introduction! It’s about one way pride is demonstrated, about what happens when we are confident of our own righteousness: We look down on everybody else.
“And this is where the hard challenge comes in. Today, in this church, we have to confront whether we are guilty of exactly that, and whether as a result, we drive away the very people we want to reach—the lost, the hurting, the little lambs that Jesus pleaded for. We make those who know they are sinners feel uncomfortable among us, who are confident of our own righteousness!”
The Lights of Tenth Street Page 28
