“You know more than I do about babies. I’ll depend on your help.”
Was this trust she was offering him? Mace asked himself. “If that’s what you want.”
“Have done toying with me, Mace,” she demanded, covering his hand with one of hers. “Tell me what you want. Don’t let me dream and find out that I’m fooling myself.”
He wondered if she knew what she was asking. The yearning for honesty between them overcame all other feelings inside him. And Mace found that the words weren’t all that hard to say. “Yes,” he admitted, turning his hand so that he held hers. “I want to raise her as mine. With all the rights of a father.” And those of a husband.
Erin was startled to see the color rise in his cheeks. Her gaze once again drifted down to look at her baby.
“Have you thought about a name for her, Erin?”
“Maddie. I want to call her that,” she whispered, her eyes gazing at the soft downy hair that covered her baby’s head.
“Isn’t that your friend’s name? The one that took you in?”
“Yes.” A feeling of peace, of sharing with Mace as she never had before made her add, “I didn’t know my mother’s name. There is no one else to—”
“Don’t remember what hurts you, Erin.” He squeezed her hand, leaning closer, wanting the sadness gone from her. “Maddie Dalton sounds fine to me. Now Jake and Becky have a name to call their sister.”
Gripping the baby tighter, Erin had to look up at him. “Sister?” she repeated. “Is that their idea?”
“I thought so. I hope so.” Trust me, he silently implored, afraid to say the words and break the fragile spell being woven around them. He released her hand and moved to crowd her on the bed, coming to sit near the headboard so that he could enfold both of them within his arms.
A possessive feeling rose inside him. He wanted Erin as his wife and wanted to see her swollen with his child. He would never deny little Maddie a place in his heart, he vowed, for he had brought her into the world and that made her his. He would be the one she came to, the man she would call Papa as Becky and Jake did. He was the one who offered his protection and caring to her.
Rubbing his chin over Erin’s hair, his gaze touched upon the lush fullness of her breast, where Maddie’s rosebud mouth was losing its grip.
For Erin, the cherishing feel of his arms holding both herself and her child made her brave enough to take another risk. “Mace?” she asked softly, biting her still swollen lip, hesitant but needing to know. “Does it bother you that they call her their sister?”
“No.” And he knew it was true. There would always be a haunting sense of loss for Sky; she was his first love and— Finish it, a voice demanded. And until now, his only love. But the pain had been easing, easing all these months that he had known Erin, and he hadn’t even realized how much until this moment. The passion he felt for Erin was fierce, a driving force that never left him. He had to admit once more, and then let it rest, that Sky had never made him feel this way.
“Be sure, Mace. Be very sure,” she warned, feeling the way his body tensed behind her. It mattered a great deal to her that what he said was true, but it would matter more for her helpless child.
“I’m sure, Erin. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise. Jake and Becky’s accepting her makes it easier for us.”
Us? Erin turned the word over in her mind. For so long she had been alone that she repeated the word over and over to herself. Us. Together. With Mace’s warmth and the strength of his body surrounding her, Erin rested her head against his chest.
“Erin,” he whispered after a few minutes of contentment. “Little one is satisfied.” He felt her watching as he used his fingertip to wipe a dribble of fluid from the corner of Maddie’s mouth. He wanted to bring his finger to his lips, but he knew that would shock Erin, for she was rigid as could be as he drew her nightgown over her breast, leaving the ties undone.
“Let me take her,” he offered, wanting her to give him the baby, feeling that he needed to know she fully accepted him at his word to make Maddie his own.
“I want to hold her,” Erin said in reply. “I want her to know that I’m always going to be there to hold her and show her all the love she could ever want.”
There was so much longing in her voice that Mace couldn’t speak. And when he finally answered her, he spoke between pressing kisses to her hair. “She’ll know. Maddie will have all the love she needs. From all of us,” he added. Then, because he knew she was tired, he said, “If you don’t let me have her she’ll start fussing before long.”
After a moment’s hesitation that showed how little strength she had, Erin told him to take Maddie. Her gaze was pinned on the way he lifted her and placed her tummy down against his shoulder, patting her bottom with his hand that covered it. He began to rub the baby’s back, and he smiled when she burped.
Erin protested when he started to put Maddie in the cradle. “Won’t it be easier to let me hold her until you move the cradle to my room?”
“Your room? Why would you think I’d put—” He cut himself off. Shaking his head, he fought down anger. “Erin, you need to sleep here, and so do I. You can’t be getting up with her at night.”
“But—”
“No buts. That’s the way it is.”
“I can’t let you do more. You can’t go without sleep.”
“Why not? You’re my wife, Erin. Maddie is my daughter. If not me, who has the right to care for you both?”
His face had become harder, more intent, and his eyes dared her to argue. Erin surprised him, just as she surprised herself, by nodding meekly, lowering her head to hide her smile.
“If that’s the way you want it, Mace.”
“That’s the way.”
She thought about slipping beneath the quilt and hiding the flood of tears that his words brought. But not for long. The moment he turned back after settling Maddie, she called him. “Mace, please come and hold me. I’m frightened to be this happy. I—” She couldn’t say more, for he was there, stretching out on the bed beside her, holding her in his arms.
“I’ll make it last, Erin. I promise you. We’ve both had sorrow enough.”
Within the sheltering he offered, Erin released tears that carried joy and sadness. She knew there was goodness in Mace, knew her loving him had been right, and now he had given her more hope than she had dreamed of to build on for the future.
Sleep could no longer be held at bay, but Erin nestled her head against the beating of his heart and asked one last thing of him. “Will you write to Maddie and tell her about the baby?”
“I’ll tell her. Maybe she’ll come and visit. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Having a woman friend here?”
But Erin never heard his offer. Mace smiled to himself. He’d surprise her.
Chapter Twenty
True to his promise, in the next six weeks that followed, Mace showered Maddie with love. Erin, unable to completely trust him not to hurt her again, retreated from him. Not entirely, she told herself. Her dream would not allow that to happen, but her days were sometimes shadowed by his continued refusal to talk about his first marriage and Sky’s death. She, in turn, longed to tell him of her own past and how she had been befriended by Maddie.
It was difficult to keep her distance when Mace was so tender and concerned about her welfare even now that she was able to take over her chores again. And best, there was that enchantment with little Maddie and everything she did that spilled over to all. Jake and Becky adored the baby.
Then, too, there was the matter of her remaining in Mace’s room. After feeding Maddie, Erin was finding it almost impossible to slide into bed where Mace waited to gather her into his arms. She spent many sleepless hours, far too conscious of his strong body, the warmth that beckoned her close and the ache that was once more building inside her as each day brought her healing from the birth.
This night was no different. As she resumed her place by his side, Mace turned to her.
“Is that little piglet full enough to sleep a few hours?”
“I hope so,” she answered with a laugh, for the baby at times seemed insatiable.
Nuzzling his chin against her cheek, Mace realized that Erin was tense. “Did you see the stunned look on Jake’s face when she smiled at him tonight?”
“I thought he was going to drop her. But you’re all silly to think she’s smiling. It’s gas.”
“Smiles, Erin,” he growled, pinning her in place with his arm crossed over her body. “Maddie smiles for all of us, woman, and don’t you dare keep denying it.”
Erin wasn’t laughing. She was holding her breath, for Mace’s arm brushed across her sensitive nipple, swollen from feeding the baby. She couldn’t believe the heat that spread in her body, nor the inner tremble that built and pooled so that she clamped her thighs together.
Mace stilled. Every night he had taken her into his arms, racked by need, by a fierce desire to make love to her. It was far too soon. He knew that. Yet the sweet scent of her rose to cloud his mind. His body tautened with need and he knew that tonight Erin was very aware of him as a man, just as he had been always aware of her as a woman.
Tension spiraled up to enfold them. Neither spoke, nor did they move. He hovered above her, his heartbeat drumming like his blood, hotly and with a demand he was having difficulty fighting.
It was too soon…but he couldn’t cease the need to trail kisses to the corner of her mouth. Her skin was flushed, and her mouth trembled. Her hand rose and cupped around his forearm, but she didn’t push him away. Her breath was his, and his was hers, and then with aching tenderness he fitted his mouth to her lips.
Warm and giving, Erin opened her mouth for his kiss, inviting the deeper intimacy. She wanted him. Wanted to give him all the love she had kept bottled inside, love that had grown with every day, every hour since Maddie’s birth. She needed to have Mace accept her love, as he had accepted her baby. For these were the only gifts she had to give him.
Gifts of her heart. Gifts of love.
Mace sipped sorrow from her mouth, took regrets for what had passed between them and burned them away in the welcoming honey sweet taste of Erin. Silently, he gave the love that remained unspoken, gave it to her with a kiss that flamed hotter and brighter as her healing spread through him.
His hand slid beneath her shoulder to cup her head, tilting her face upward to feed the hunger that ravaged him. Healing is what Erin gave, healing that began in his soul with her acceptance of whatever he had to give her of himself without asking for more. He wanted Erin’s love. He needed to hear her say the words aloud, to know that the look he often caught in her eyes was love.
She shared with her heart, becoming his haven from the past and his joy for the future.
Erin cradled his face between her palms, sensing a deep need inside him that she longed to fill. Her yearning to give all of herself, all that she felt for him, made her bold.
“Mace?” she whispered, tearing her lips free. “Tell me you feel more than need for a woman. Tell me you want—”
“You,” he finished, stringing kisses down her neck, nudging aside the gown. “I want you, Erin. Have from the first minute I saw you.” His mouth tasted skin as sweet as spring rain, as warm and as silky. She filled his senses as he wanted to fill hers.
He knew he was fast losing control, and once again the warning sounded that it was too soon to make love to her. But she felt so good in his arms, her small cry telling him that she enjoyed the discovery his mouth made of her newly lush figure. He wouldn’t touch her, he promised himself. Only with his mouth. But Erin made it impossible for him to keep that promise. She lifted his hand and placed it over her breast.
“Touch me,” she pleaded in a tremulous whisper.
Mace lifted his head, staring down at her, Neither one had blown out the lamp, and by its soft flame he saw the need in her eyes.
“Erin, it’s too soon. I’d hurt you. I don’t want that. I don’t want to hurt you again.”
Erin looked into his eyes. Passion burned within the dark depths, passion and an emotion that brought fever softly stealing inside her. She began to shake her head, feeling restricted by the way his fingers tangled in her hair, and knew she had to tell him.
“You won’t hurt me, Mace. I’ll…” Say it, she told herself, realizing that she had no defenses left. How could she, when she loved him? “I’ll hurt more if you don’t.”
“Erin.” A visible shudder ran through his body.
She traced his lower lip with her finger, feeling that there were more truths to be said. Truths that had to come from her first. Yet she hesitated, for Mace had closed his eyes and without seeing that fierce glitter of passion within them, she was afraid that he didn’t want her love.
“I trust you, Mace,” she whispered, cupping his cheek. “I love you enough to trust you that you won’t hurt me.”
A burden and gift in one, he thought, lowering his head, taking her mouth.
He couldn’t return the words. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t, but he showed Erin with touches that were careful to arouse without injury, with kisses that learned each woman’s secret she offered, slowly bringing her up to match the fire that burned in his body. When her demand would no longer be denied, he eased his body to join with hers and she gasped, not in pain but with pleasure, and he felt as if he had returned a small measure of her gift.
He held himself back, satisfying her time and again before her cries begged him to come to where she waited. He arched into her with a broken cry, surrendering to the need that tore his control, that seared him and then joined him with Erin, soul to soul.
When he found the strength to ease himself away from her, Mace rested his head on her breast and knew he had not given Erin enough of himself. It was more than past time for her to know about Sky.
“I need to tell you about Sky and me, Erin,” he whispered. “I loved her for so long and we both gave up so much to be together.” In a sometimes breaking voice, in the quiet of night he told her of Sky, cleansing himself of the guilt he had carried for so long. He understood, when Erin lifted his head and gazed into his eyes, that Erin had untold strength and love unmeasured.
“No woman, Mace, could ever ask for more than you gave. Sky accepted your love. She couldn’t have known what would happen, just as you can’t know that loving her as you did caused Jake to come early. There could have been other reasons. I want another baby, Mace. I want lots more, but I want them to be your children. Will you tell me,” she begged, feeling the tears gather, “that if I have another child, I must do without your loving me? I’d die if you made that demand of me. Can’t you see,” she pleaded, between pressing kisses to his face, “that no woman who loves a man would ever make such a choice?”
“Good Lord, Erin, I want to believe you. You don’t know how much I want that.”
“You will, Mace. Trust me this much. Let my love and time show you.” She brought his lips to hers, sliding her hands down the hard muscles of his back, drawing him to her once more. Love and time, that was all she needed.
“Erin, where are you? There’s a letter from San Francisco for you.” Mace found her in the parlor, on the floor, with Maddie on a blanket between Jake and Becky. The baby’s arms and legs were working furiously as the children cooed their own baby talk to her. But as his gaze settled on Erin, her smile instantly warmed, the remembered rapture of last night visible in her gaze.
He walked to her side and helped her to stand, kissing her as if he’d been gone for days rather than a few hours to Walla Walla. She was breathless when he let her go and his smile reflected a deep male satisfaction that it was for him alone.
“Your letter,” he said, handing it over. Dropping to his knees, he spoke to the children and let Maddie grab one of his fingers.
Erin tore open her letter, knowing that it was from Maddie. She scanned the first few lines of how thrilled she was that Erin named the baby after her.
“It’s from your
friend, isn’t it?” Mace asked.
“Yes,” she answered absently, reading.
Your letter took so long to reach me because I’ve moved, Erin. Got me a new place where the gents got money and manners.
“She tell you why it’s taken her so long to answer?”
“She moved, Mace.”
Now Erin, don’t get angry, but that man of yours didn’t know what he was doing inviting me to visit. How would that look? You can’t be having a woman like me around. But I admit to wanting to see your baby.
“Well, is she coming to visit?” Mace lifted the baby, but Erin’s silence made him look at her. “What’s wrong?”
She looked up from the letter but didn’t look at Mace. What was she going to answer? She had never told him about Maddie, about herself. After that night he had made love to her, she couldn’t bring herself to destroy what they were building. How much trust would he have if he knew what Maddie did for a living? How much trust would he give her, when he knew that she had lived there?
“Erin?” he prompted.
“I don’t think she’ll be able to come. Not now, at any rate.” She folded the letter and slipped it into her apron pocket, planning on finishing it later when she was alone.
Mace set the baby back on the blanket and came to his feet. “You don’t seem happy to hear from her. Is there something wrong? If she needs the money to make the trip, I’ll send it to her.”
He felt Erin withdrawing from him and was helpless to stop it.
She turned then, offering him an absent smile, still unable to meet his gaze. “I don’t think money is a problem. Don’t worry about it.” To Becky she said, “I’ll be in the kitchen if Maddie fusses.”
“I’ll sing to her—” Becky started to answer.
“I’ll whistle—” Jake broke in.
She nodded, leaving them. Maddie would be fine in their care for a little while. She needed to be alone.
Mace wasn’t so easily put off. He followed her into the kitchen. “This is likely going to make you mad as hell, but I’ve got to ask. Are you ashamed of Becky and Jake? Are they the reason you don’t want Maddie visiting us?”
Gifts of Love Page 24
