Which was for the best.
He let out his breath in a deep sigh, then eased the covers back and climbed in beside her. He wrapped her up in his arms and tucked her against him, her back tight against his chest, her hips nestled tightly against his. She felt so good and so right in his arms. He’d never wanted anyone to have a claim on him, but he knew that if he could wake up every single day with her in his arms, he’d have found the life he didn’t deserve. But not at the cost of her dreams. He wouldn’t do that to her. He pulled her even more tightly against him, knowing without asking that she’d accepted the promotion. Would she leave tomorrow? If not, then would it be the day after, as soon as Mira was settled? Maybe the day after that, but it would come.
The thought that this might be the last night he would ever hold her made something inside him tighten, a raging anger fueled by gaping loneliness he hadn’t felt since the night he’d sat alone on his eighth birthday, watching the shadows on his bedroom wall while he listened to his mother screw her new boyfriend, completely forgetting that it had been her son’s birthday that day.
She’d never remembered a birthday after that, and he’d learned not to care. He’d learned not to feel. He’d learned to accept what he could from his brothers, and to appreciate his talent as a bull rider. And most importantly, he’d made sure to never let anyone matter to him.
But Taylor mattered. She mattered on a thousand different levels. She mattered so much that he was willing to rip his heart out of his chest and let her get on that airplane and walk out of his life.
An image of an airplane cutting across the Wyoming sky flashed through his mind, and the greatest sense of desolation rolled through him. She would be on that plane soon.
But tonight, he had her.
Tonight wouldn’t last forever, but he wasn’t going to waste it.
“Taylor.” He pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck. “Darlin’, wake up.”
She mumbled something and snuggled more tightly against him. For a moment, he considered being a good guy and letting her sleep. Then he decided to fuck it. He was being the hero by letting her go. Tonight, he was going to be the selfish jerk, and he was going to use every last second he had with her to fill his soul with enough of her love to sustain him the rest of his miserable, vagrant life. He palmed her belly, and began to nibble on her neck. “Taylor,” he whispered. “Wake up.”
Again, she mumbled something incoherent, but, even in her sleep, she pushed her hips back into him as he moved his hand lower on her belly. This woman, who trusted no one, had learned to trust him even in her most vulnerable moments.
That was worth everything to him.
Grinning, he rolled her onto her back and moved over her. He kissed her, a slow, tantalizing seduction of lips and tongues while he slid his knee between her thighs and wedged himself where he wanted to be.
He knew the moment she woke up. Her breath changed, and her muscles tightened, but he didn’t stop kissing her. There was no way he wanted to give her the chance to talk about the job offer, no way he wanted to give her the chance to steal this last time together that they had.
She didn’t try to stop him. Instead, she slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, even as she wrapped her legs around his hips, locking her feet together behind his back. “My sweet angel,” he whispered, just before he slid inside her.
Neither of them was getting any sleep tonight, no matter what.
***
When Taylor finally woke up, the sun was low in the sky, and Zane was still wrapped around her. He was holding her tightly, tangled around her from head to toe, his face buried in the curve of her neck. He was breathing deeply, finally asleep, after making love to her all night, all morning and most of the day. He’d let her sleep twice, while he’d run out to take care of the animals, but when he’d come back at noon, he’d told her Steen was back and he was taking the rest of the day off. He hadn’t left the bed since then, and neither had she.
And now, it had to be close to dinnertime, and she’d spent the whole day in bed with him. She’d thought the other day had been the best day of her life, but it had been topped. If she stayed with Zane, would every day with him keep getting better? What a life that would be to look forward to.
She sighed, trailing her fingers over the dark hairs on his arm where it was locked across her chest, his forearm angled between her breasts as if he was claiming her even in his sleep.
They hadn’t talked once about the future. They’d talked about his childhood with his mother, the first time he’d met Chase, and the glories of bull riding. She’d talked about being so sick as a child, and her father’s sadness when she’d had the surgery that had taken away her childbearing capability, a sadness she hadn’t understood for a long time…until she finally had.
They talked about the boys at the Garage, and the one who had died. Zane had cried for the boy who’d died, for his inability to save him. He’d let Taylor comfort him and take away his grief and guilt, which had been one of the most beautiful moments of her life. She’d never felt so close to anyone, even Mira.
She knew she mattered to him. Zane was a loner, and he’d somehow, someway, found a place with her. Was that enough? Could she take that and hope it would make his life enough? “Zane?”
He grunted and tightened his arms around her.
“Zane.” She lightly hit his arm.
“Yeah.” His voice was groggy with sleep.
“Do you think…” God, could she really say it? “Do you think…”
His body stiffened almost imperceptibly. “Do I think what?”
“We could…make this work?” She held her breath, her heart pounding. She couldn’t believe she’d said it. God, how could she say it? That was so selfish of her. “Never mind. Forget I said it—”
She started to pull away from him, and suddenly she found herself on her back, pinned to the bed by a man who looked surprisingly irritated given that he’d been dead asleep only moments before. “You need to understand something, Taylor.” His voice was rough and steady, his gaze burning through her with intensity.
She swallowed. “What?”
“I’m not letting you go because you’re right that someday I’ll want biological kids and you’ll destroy me by taking away that dream.”
Tears threatened. “Zane—-”
“No.” He cut her off. “Listen to me. You know how you said the fact I love my nephew means I’m going to want biological kids someday?”
“Yes.” She’d never forget the look on his face.
“In case you forgot, that kid’s not my biological nephew. Chase isn’t his biological dad.”
She stared at him, his words sinking in. She’d totally forgotten. How could she have forgotten? Chase was so in love with Mira and the baby that she hadn’t even thought about the bloodlines of the baby.
“I have no blood ties to that baby, and I’d slay a demon for him. Do you understand?”
Slowly, she nodded, her heart starting to pound.
“Here’s the thing, sweetheart. My mother was total shit. And so was my dad. They both sucked as parents. Biology doesn’t mean anything when it comes to family and love. If I decided I wanted to be a dad, there’s a thousand ways to become a dad other than knocking up a woman with my sperm. In the end, all that matters is that you’ve got a kid who needs a parent who will stand behind them and fight the entire damn world on their behalf. I’d be that dad, and it wouldn’t matter one bit if my blood ran in their veins or not. You need to understand that.” His voice was fierce and angry, so full of emotion that she could almost feel it.
She realized he was telling the truth, the absolute truth. He didn’t care about biology when it came to children. He truly didn’t. For the first time in her life, hope flared in her belly, a terrified, faint hope that she’d never dared have in her whole life. “Zane—”
“I’m not the only guy like that. So don’t sit there in your prison cell and hide from men. Find the one who w
on’t care.”
His words made her heart freeze. “What?” Find the one? Hadn’t he just said that he was the one? “But you just said—”
“Taylor.” His voice softened as he framed her face. “I can’t be a father. I can’t do it. I don’t want that responsibility, and I can’t be the world to some innocent child. It’s so far from the realm of who I am, and what I’m capable of. If you were to stay with me, it’s you who would be giving up on your dreams, not me. I want to keep you, more than you could ever, ever know, but if you stay with me, there will be no children, and that’s a violation of your soul. I won’t do that to you.” He put his hand over her heart. “You’ve spent your life trying to convince yourself you don’t want kids. You do. You can have them. You can have a dozen of them. If you give yourself to me, you will lose that dream, and it’s not right.”
“But—”
“Look into your heart, Taylor. Do you want kids? Do you want to be a mom? Do you want a real family, all sitting around the breakfast table, arguing over who gets the last piece of bacon?”
Tears filled her eyes at the image he presented, and she nodded silently, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I do,” she whispered. “I really do.” As she said the words, she felt the thick walls around her heart start to shatter, tumbling down as she acknowledged what she really wanted, that she’d been trying to hide from for so long. “I want to be a mom, more than anything. I just thought—”
“You thought that if you crushed your own dreams with enough force that you could destroy them.”
She nodded, silently, starting to cry hard. It was terrifying to give up the pretense that she didn’t care, but at the same time, she felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She could breathe again, truly breathe again. “I didn’t believe there would be men who didn’t care that I—”
“That you’re the most incredible woman ever?” He brushed her hair back from her face, his dark eyes searching hers. “Don’t ever sell yourself short again, darlin’. You’re so incredible that when you meet the right guy, he’ll turn heaven and earth to have you for his own, exactly the way you are. He won’t want to change anything about you.”
“Like you? Do you want to change anything about me?” She hadn’t meant to say it, but the words had tumbled out.
His hand stilled in her hair, and he met her gaze. “No, I don’t. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, on any level.”
More tears fell, but this time, they were different tears. They were the tears of being loved for who she was. Maybe he hadn’t said the words, but she knew that was how he felt.
He wasn’t finished, however. “I wish I could change myself, though, and be able to be a dad for you. I wish that there was something inside me that wanted to take on that responsibility, but all I see when I look inside are the losers who spawned me. That part of me broke a long time ago, and it’s never going to heal.”
She saw the honesty in his eyes, and she heard the truth in his voice. Maybe he wanted kids deep in his soul, on a deeper level than he was aware, but he would never, ever, let himself go there. He was too scarred from his own life to ever be willing to take on the responsibility of another human being, one who was innocent and dependent. He was too certain that he would eventually fail a child, and nothing was going to change that conviction, because he didn’t want to change. His instinct as a protector was what drove him to protect others from the worst enemy…which was himself.
A great sadness spilled through her, as she realized the truth, that no matter how much she loved him, there was a chasm that could not be crossed. He was right. If she went through life and never had children, a part of her heart would shrivel up and die. But wouldn’t a part of her heart always stay behind with him? How could she split her heart like that? “Maybe—”
“There’s no maybe.” He kissed her, softly, a kiss that felt terrifyingly like good-bye. “I can’t be the man I wish I could be, the one you deserve. I just can’t. But I can honor who you are by letting you go. I’m not the only man you’re capable of loving, Taylor. There’s a guy out there who will give you everything you want, and not the incomplete half-life I could give you.”
She knew then, that it was over.
There wasn’t going to be a tomorrow, or even a tonight.
This was the last moment of their story.
Chapter 17
Zane bent his head, pressing his forehead against the soft fur of the gray mare that had arrived only two days ago. The animal nudged Zane’s chest as he ran his hand along the animal’s neck. “You feeling better now?” he asked her. “Erin’s pretty impressive. I’ve never seen anyone operate on horses the way she does. You’re in good hands.”
The mare had been on three legs when she’d been unloaded from the trailer, and thirty-six hours out of surgery, she was already bearing weight on her gimpy leg.
“You really going to let Taylor go?” Chase appeared in the door of the stall, holding his son in his arms.
Zane stiffened, and turned away from the animal to face his brother. “Yeah.” He glanced at his nephew, who had officially been named, Joseph John Stockton. The John was for Mira’s dad, and Joseph had been the middle name of the kid’s biological dad. Everyone was already calling him J.J., which worked just fine. Not a bad name for the kid. Nothing that would get him bullied.
“Why?” Chase tucked the baby more securely against his chest.
“Because she deserves more.”
Chase scowled at him. “That’s a bunch of crap, bro. She’s in my house with Mira and Erin, crying her eyes out because she’s leaving here in two hours.”
The ache in Zane’s chest intensified even more than it already had been. For two weeks, he’d slept in an empty stall while Taylor had occupied the bunkhouse. For two weeks, he’d watched her over dinner in the main house, becoming friends with Erin and his brothers, beginning to fit into ranch life. For two weeks, he’d burned to walk into that bunkhouse and climb into bed with her. He’d wanted to talk to her, to hold her, and to make love to her again and again.
But he hadn’t.
He’d kept his distance, because he knew that if he stayed with her, neither of them would do what was right for her. “She’ll be fine.”
“No, she won’t.”
Zane looked sharply at his brother. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Chase leaned against the doorjamb. His cowboy hat was tipped back on his head, his jeans were dusty, and his boots were well-worn. Except for the baby in his arms, he looked every bit the cowboy that Zane did, but Zane knew that his cowboy persona would go back in its box when he left here. “I never would have put myself into the role of a parent, Zane. I don’t know anything about being a good dad. None of us do. There was no chance I was going there…until I had to. I had nothing to offer Mira, but we made it work.” He grinned, the happiest damned grin Zane had ever seen, as he held up the baby. “You see this little person? He’s my son. He’s counting on me to be there for him, and to get it right.”
Zane’s gut turned over. “What if you screw up? What if you become like our dad?”
Chase’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not going to become like him. I realized that there’s no chance of that happening. Yeah, I don’t know anything about being a good dad or husband, but Mira’s dad was awesome. She said she’d help me, but she also said that she’d never have married me if she didn’t think I could do it on my own.”
Zane’s eyebrows went up. “You haven’t married her yet.”
Chase grinned. “Actually, I did. I wanted my baby to be born to my wife, not my fiancée, so we got hitched in the hospital. I’m not allowed to tell because Mira still wants her big, fairytale wedding, but yeah, she’s mine, and I won’t have it any other way.”
Zane studied his brother, surprised by how damn happy he was. He’d wanted to get married so badly he’d done it over a hospital bed, and then was going to do it again with the fancy party? “You’re wh
ipped, man.”
“Finding the right woman is the best thing that could ever happen to a guy. You found yours. Keep her.”
Zane jutted his jaw out. “She wants kids. I’m not going there. There’s no commonality.”
Chase turned John around so that Zane could see the kid’s face. His eyes were closed, and he was sleeping peacefully. A deep protectiveness surged through Zane, a need to protect that kid from anything that might ever try to harm him. “You can do the dad thing, Zane. Try it.”
“Try it? And if I fail, then what? Leave a string of fucked up kids behind? No way. That’s not something you try. You go all in, or you don’t. I’m not taking the chance of being the one to screw it up.”
Chase sighed. “You won’t screw it up.”
“How do you know?” Zane challenged. “The three weeks I’ve been here are the longest I’ve been in the same place since I was fifteen. How do you start building a family on that? You have to give a kid a forever, not a few weeks here and there.”
His brother tucked the sleeping baby against his chest again. “Let me ask you something.”
“What?”
“How has it been? Staying here? Have you lost your mind? Gone insane? Developed hives or a weird rash that no one wants to touch?”
Despite his irritation, Zane couldn’t help but laugh. “No rashes. It’s been okay.” He glanced at the horse snoozing behind him. “It’s been good to be around the animals again,” he admitted.
“So, there you go.” John suddenly awoke with a loud wail, and Chase grinned. “He needs his mama. You going to come out to say good-bye to Taylor, or are you going to make the woman you love walk away alone?”
Zane wanted to hide in that stall. He didn’t want to face that moment of watching Taylor walk away from him. He wanted to get on his damned bike and take off in the other direction, riding so hard and fast that he could feel nothing but the wind sliding into his flesh.
But this was Taylor. She deserved more. “I’ll come.”
***
Taylor hugged Mira fiercely, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks, even as she forced a smile to her face. “I’ll miss you so much,” she admitted. “I hate leaving you.”
A Real Cowboy Rides a Motorcycle Page 17
