I frowned back at him, my night suddenly shot. The last thing I wanted to do was go home to an empty house by myself.
“What brought this on?” I wondered.
“Just ….” He sighed again, like I was being difficult. “Just forget about it. Do you still need a ride?”
I shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. I don’t want to go home alone.” I looked at him hopefully. “Will you come with me? We can hang out, watch a movie, and I can get high while you … sit there I guess.”
“There’s no way I’d be around weed without smoking it.”
“Well, problem solved then.”
“No, Mac. That means I’m not coming. Not unless you can handle abstaining for an hour or so.” He rolled his eyes and shook his head doubtfully.
“What …?” I couldn’t believe the sudden one-eighty that had occurred in Riley’s mind during the few short days since the weekend. I hadn’t talked to him at all on Sunday and though today he’d been abnormally quiet, I was too distracted both by my first day at work and my constant Grey musings to really pay attention.
But Riley had my full attention now.
“What’s with all the judgement all a sudden?” I leaned forward and stamped out my cigarette.
“No judgement … just don’t try and force me to do things I don’t want to do.”
“But until like, three seconds ago, you did want to do these things.”
“Well I don’t anymore, okay. So can we just drop it?”
I stared at him a moment. “Whatever.” I muttered. But I wasn’t ready to drop it, not even close. There was no way I could just relax and try to shrug it off—it made me anxious. Our relationship didn’t need anymore change at the moment; it needed good old repetition and routine until we were comfortable again, until we were just Riley and Mackenzie like always. The Riley and Mackenzie who got high and had fun and just were what they’d always been.
“Look, I’m sorry.” Riley softened and game me a slight smile. “It’s just, it’s hard enough as it is, you know?”
“What’s hard, Ry?” I lit another cigarette. We were completely oblivious to the cooks and staff and the crowd around us—thinning out as they went home for the night—caught up in our own little saga.
“Can we talk about this later? I don’t want to turn it into a big thing … and I know your flair for drama.”
“What flair for drama?” I wondered, but Riley ignored me.
“Did you see your schedule?” I guess he considered the case closed.
I sighed. “No. I know I work tomorrow night but that’s it.”
“Here,” he unfolded a sheet of paper for me to see. “You’re on tomorrow, Friday night and Sunday afternoon. You’ll probably get more shifts as you get better.”
“When do you work?” I asked, taking the paper from him. I gave it a quick glance. Riley worked nearly every night I did but Saturday. Good to know. What I really wanted to see was Grey’s schedule, and I realized in disappointment that he mostly worked during the day while I was in school. Stupid age! But then, not all was lost. He worked the Friday nightshift that week, right alongside me.
I smiled at the thought. “We work together every time.” I announced to my friend.
Riley nodded. “I requested that. Thought I could help you out if you needed.”
“Thanks Ry.” I was touched.
He shrugged. “No big deal.”
I sat back in my chair and studied him through the curling smoke of my cigarette. He was getting hotter every day. His dark messy hair, his warm chocolate eyes … if he weren’t my best friend in the world, he’d be awfully tempting. I felt almost … disappointed that I couldn’t feel for him that way. He was so caring too … the way he thought of me, the way he rearranged his schedule to help me out. I sighed. It was only a matter of time before a girl threw herself at him, inevitable that he would meet someone. Then he would be spending all his time thinking of her and trying to please her instead of me. I frowned. I was selfish enough to hate the thought of him happy with someone else. Some friend I was.
“Come on.” I smiled. “Can we go get high now or what?”
Riley shot me a look, shook his head, and smiled resignedly. “Mackenzie, you’re going to be the death of me.”
I took that as a yes. “So you’re in then?” I smiled. I thought I had won.
“No. I’m not in. But I will give you a ride home.”
“Oh.” I was deflated. I frowned as Riley got his stuff together. A flutter of panic settled into the pit of my stomach but I tried to push it aside. He was still Riley. Weed or no weed, he was my friend, my best friend, and he always would be. Nothing could or would change that. I tried to give him a sincere smile as we walked to the car.
But the worry remained.
CHAPTER 6
We rode silently. Riley’s window was rolled up, he chewed his gum compulsively. I sat with my arms crossed, dying for a cigarette, staring glumly out the window at the larger, newer homes lining my street that gradually changed to older, smaller houses as we drove towards the school.
I was irritated. Riley had decided, among everything else, to quit smoking as well. It pissed me off that I couldn’t smoke in Riley’s car now, something I’d done every single school morning since grade eight. He hadn’t specifically forbidden it, but the way he gripped the steering wheel told me he was just as desperate for a smoke as I was. It wouldn’t help anything if I lit up right now.
“What’s eating you this morning?” He asked me tersely when I started biting my nails.
“You know what it is.” I answered, just as icily. I sighed. “This totally sucks, Ry.”
“What, now you have to go like, another ten minutes before you can smoke in the morning? Is that what sucks?”
“Yes, that, among other things.” I admitted.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I totally forgot that everything’s about you.” Riley’s voice oozed sarcasm. I realized it probably wasn’t the best time for this conversation, since we were both irrationally irritated by the lack of nicotine. I fidgeted.
“Whatever. Forget it.” I shook my head and resumed watching out the window. I didn’t want to fight with him. I just wanted Riley, the way he was before, the way we were before. Everything was changing, too fast, slipping from my grasp quicker than I could re-grip it. And I still didn’t quite understand the reasoning. Riley hadn’t explained it to me yet.
“Why,” I started again, keeping my voice lighter, like we were in the middle of a pleasant conversation. “Why do you need to clean up anyway? It’s not like you’re a junky or anything Ry, you just like to have a little fun. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re young. You’re allowed.”
“Are you kidding me? Were you not there the other night? That is not what I consider fun.” Riley turned his dark eyes to me incredulously. “I could’ve died, I felt like I was going to die. That trip scared me straight. I’m not even the same person anymore, I don’t think the same about things, I don’t feel the same. I don’t even want the same things.” He looked at me pointedly. “Can’t you understand that? I’ve been given a second chance. A chance to get out while I still can. I don’t want to screw it up.”
I watched his hands as they turned the steering wheel and we pulled into the gravel lot at school. His knuckles were white with earnest. I marvelled again at the complete transformation that had occurred within my friend in just a few short days. I felt like I didn’t even know him anymore, I had never seen this side of him before.
I stared back out the window. The significance of his words and what he meant by them made me bite my lip in concern. Riley wasn’t just going through a temporary phase like I hoped. He was making a life change. He was done—done with it all, done with the partying and the drinking and the smoking and the fun. I realized too, that for once, I felt totally different from him.
I wasn’t ready to be done. I loved what we did; I lived for the weekend, for our Friday afternoon farmyard tradition. To be stoned
and laugh and drink. To be wild and crazy and experience everything. That’s what I wanted out of life.
I tried to imagine that life without Riley. I saw no one beside me at parties … I imagined myself lonely and forlorn, sitting amidst the abandoned farm buildings with nothing but the prairie grass for company, smoking a joint. I saw myself in the passenger seat of his car, but I wasn’t going anywhere, because there was no driver. Mackenzie without her Riley was just Mackenzie. And that future looked bleak.
“You’re ruining everything.” I blurted suddenly, rash from my grim imaginings. I didn’t want that life, not without Riley. Why did he have to go and have that stupid mushroom trip? Who was I going to hang out with now?
Riley glared at me, his eyebrows raised in disbelief. “I’m ruining everything?” He stared at me a moment and scoffed. “The only thing I’m ruining is your good time. You … you don’t even see that I nearly died the other night. That I was scared shitless and will never put myself in that situation again. I’m lucky and thankful to be alive and I need to change before I totally lose control and turn out just like my father ….” His voice broke and he looked away from me, gripping the steering wheel again. I stared at him, speechless. He recovered quickly. “You … you have got to be the most selfish person that I have ever known. I bet you’re not even upset about our friendship, but because you’ll have to find another dealer. Is that right? Am I close?”
“No, that’s not what I—”
“Stop it. Just stop it.” He stared ahead. “If you ever cared for me, at all, even a fraction of what I feel for you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You’d be understanding, hell; maybe you’d even be proud of me, inspired even. But no, it’s all about you and your precious fun. That’s what sucks.”
“Riley, I—”
“You can’t Riley your way out of this one.” He shook his head. His arms were trembling, his hands gripped around the steering wheel with tension and anger. “Why can’t … why can’t you ….” He trailed off, his eyes closing as if he had given up. I heard him sigh. We sat for a moment. “You know what? You want to smoke so bad Mackenzie?” He turned to me. “Find yourself another ride then.”
The hinges squeaked suddenly, the car door slammed loudly and then Riley was gone, stalking across the dirt parking lot without looking back, his arms and shoulders rigid with anger. I felt tears well as I watched him walk away. I wanted to get out of the car and follow him, to yell and scream and plead my case like I normally did when we fought. But it was different this time—this time I felt utterly useless, for I knew no matter what I said or what I did, it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t put us back the way we were.
I stayed, frozen in the passenger seat of Riley’s beat up old car, totally alone, just as I had imagined only moments earlier. I started to cry. I cried because I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to stop him from leaving me. I cried because I knew, deep down, that everything Riley said about me was true. Everything he accused me of. I was selfish; I did everything for all the wrong reasons. I felt tears well up, spill over; I felt them warm on my face. I cried because I was a terrible friend. I cried because I did care for Riley, deeply, beneath it all.
And I cried because I knew that we would never be the same.
The day was horribly, hideously long. My eyes were red and puffy by the time I made it to class, which got me some attention, and though I liked that, I was still miserable. If Riley noticed he didn’t say anything. With the size of our school it was inevitable to share nearly every class, as we did, but instead of our normal places, Riley chose to sit in any available chair as far away from me as possible. It hurt, and every time he did it, tears welled again. I hated having people mad at me. Well, my friends anyway. Especially Riley.
I made it through the morning, and then at lunch, I decided to mend things. To beg and grovel and do whatever it took to make him like me again. I waited by his locker, leaning impatiently. I sat on the floor. I even took out my homework for something to do while I waited. I missed three or four lunchtime cigarettes. He never came.
Finally, at the warning bell, I spotted him. A classroom door flew open—some kind of lunchtime meeting must have been going on—and students started pouring out. I never expected Riley to be there, I was just watching for something to do. But then he was there, laughing as if nothing was at all wrong in the world, like he hadn’t just had a devastating fight with his best friend. He was laughing with a girl. My eyes opened in panic and I got to my feet, staring. They were laughing together and then seriously, she put a hand on his arm. He placed his hand on top of hers and his lips mouthed, “thank you,” and then they were hugging.
I swallowed hard. Thank you for what? For the best sex ever in that classroom? For fulfilling a part of me Mackenzie never could? For becoming my new best friend? For letting me fall madly in love with you?
Had all of my fears come true today? I scrutinized the girl, critiquing her instantly, comparing our features quickly to judge how threatened I should feel. She was shorter than me, and chubbier, though her round face was pleasant. She wore jeans and a plain brown t-shirt and nondescript footwear … boots, maybe? Not a dresser, that was for sure. Her hair was a color between brown and blond, completely natural and long, straight. She wore little make-up, and I was chagrined to admit she was still pretty without it.
At least she was chubby.
I recognized her. In a school this small, it was inevitable to know everyone—or at least of them. Her name was … I couldn’t remember her name, but I knew she was one of the “brainiacs.” What could Riley want with her?
I shook my own dark, curly locks around my shoulders and waited for Riley to approach. I practiced my best please-don’t-be-mad-at-me eyes. I watched them walk together towards me down the fluorescent-lit hall, and when he looked up and noticed me, the smile fell from his face. I gulped.
“Riley.” I gave him the eyes.
“Mackenzie.” He nodded. “I’ll see you later, Emily.” He grinned at the chubby girl.
“Sure, Riley.” Her voice was all sweetness and roses. She smiled big, with adorable dimples. “See you soon.”
Emily. That was her name. I shared a few classes with her, but had never really noticed her until now. I hated her instantly. I watched her walk away and wished her bodily harm.
“Don’t start.” Riley warned me. I spun my eyes to meet his, and gave him a soft smile. He knew me well enough to recognize the instant, unreasonable jealousy.
“No, of course not. Look, Ry, I just wanted to say sorry.” I bit my lip and tried to look as contrite as possible. “I’ve been terrible, I know, and you’re right. About everything. But I’ll stop now. I’ll be understanding and all the rest … I just …” I shrugged. “I can’t help that I’m going to miss hanging out with you. That’s what I’ll miss, you know. Not the dealing or anything. Just you. You’re my best friend.” My voice broke on the word. At least, he used to be. The tears, so near the surface, stung me again. “I do care for you, even when I don’t act it, and I don’t—”
“Are you finished?” He interrupted me then, but there was a slight smile tugging hesitantly on his lips. I stopped mid-sentence and nodded dumbly.
“So dramatic.” Riley sighed, opening his locker and pulling out a thick black binder. He slammed the locker door shut and closed the lock. I just watched him, anxious, biting my lip—chapped already from all this stressing. Riley was quiet, deep in thought for a moment.
“Mackenzie,” when he looked up at me, his dark eyes were hard, his jaw clenched. My stomach did a little flip of panic, my body reacting in a flash of heat, sweat breaking upon my skin in worry. I forced myself to look at him, steadily, but I could feel the tears rising. My throat ached.
“Mackenzie,” he started again, softening when he noticed the tears in my eyes. “I’m sorry … but I meant what I said earlier. About changing. I think … I think it would be easier if we just … if we spent some time apart ….”
“Yeah, right.” He scoffed in disbelief. I grasped his hand and forced him to look at me.
“I mean it, Ry. You’re my best friend. Who knows you better than I do? Who knows me better than you? Come on …,” I smiled at him. “Riley and Mackenzie just like always.”
He shook his head. “But it won’t be just like always, Mac. I’m giving it all up for good. All of it. So you either have to accept that and me, or we can’t be friends anymore. The thing is … I’m not that strong, and if you keep pressuring me to do these things, I’ll do them, and I won’t look back. And I don’t want that. Not anymore.”
I nodded. “Okay, okay that’s fine. Honestly Ry, you are more important to me than just a buddy to get high with. I will miss you, ‘cause you’re friggin’ funny when you’re high, but I won’t pressure you anymore.” I laughed. “As long as you promise not to become one of those people.”
“What people?”
“You know; the people that we hate. The ones that quit stuff and then judge the other people for doing exactly what they just quit. Don’t do that to me, okay? Or I’ll totally lose it on you.”
Riley stared at me a moment. “That sounds fair,” he chuckled, “but … wouldn’t you rather give it all up, too? Wouldn’t you like to live for yourself, and not just in pursuit of your next high? I mean, chasing down a few hours of conjured happiness, when you could live that way, everyday, doesn’t that seem ridiculous?”
Life of the Party Page 5
