“Wait, Mackenzie,” he broke away from me suddenly. Both of us were breathless. “We shouldn’t do this.”
“Yes, we should.” My heart was racing in my chest, but I didn’t want to stop.
“No.” He sat up, disentangling himself. “We shouldn’t.”
“What? Why?”
Grey shot me a look. “You know why.”
“Grey, I’m fine, honest. I feel fine.” I insisted.
“I’m sorry.” He stated resolutely. “But we’re not doing this.”
I could see it took him obvious effort to exercise such restraint. Every time his eyes rested on my near naked form his resolve seemed to waver, his fists clenched as if willing them self-control. Finally he tore his eyes from me, and with a firm shake of his head Grey stood up from the bed, leaving me there lying all alone. I sighed theatrically and stared up at the roof, disappointed and frustrated—and cold now, without his warm body covering me.
Grey paced the tiny quarters of my room a minute, his arms stretched behind his head as he took a deep breath in. “You should really just get some sleep, Mackenzie.” He decided, looking at the piles of clothing strewn messily upon the floor. “What do you wear at night?”
“Nothing.” I answered slyly, my voice icy, my arms crossed before me. Grey shook his head at me and chuckled.
“Here, put this on.” He threw me a ratty old Blondie t-shirt from my overflowing dresser drawer. I glared at him a moment, picked up the t-shirt and shoved my arms roughly through the sleeves in resigned aggravation. Deep down, I knew that Grey was doing the right thing, deep down I knew I should be in awe of his restraint—touched by it, really—since he’d put my wellbeing before his own needs. But it was so … frustrating. I was impatient, and curious and just … eager to experience sex. To experience everything. Everything with Grey.
I lay back against the pillows with a heavy sigh, watching as he took the duvet piled at the bottom of the bed and rested it gently on top of me.
Grey leaned down and kissed me lightly on the forehead.
“I’ll call you in the morning.” He promised.
“Wait, Grey,” I grasped his arm, completely forgetting my irritation, panicked by the sudden thought of him leaving. We had so little time left together. I didn’t need to have sex that night, I could wait. I just didn’t want him to go. “Please don’t leave. Won’t you stay with me?”
He shook his head. “Mackenzie, no, I told you ….”
“I know, but we don’t have to do anything. Please? We’ll just sleep. I’m sorry; I just want to … to have you with me. Will you stay?” I looked up at him, my dark eyes wide, pleading. I bit my lip. “Please?”
I was worried he’d be exasperated with me. But Grey gazed at me a moment, his blue eyes warm and soft, and then he relented, nodding; his smile … amused, almost. I grinned happily at his response and moved over in my bed, patting the pillow next to me.
“You’d better not snore.” He threatened. I giggled, sneaking a peak at his tanned, muscular, glorious perfection of a body as he undressed. I had never been so attracted to someone before, it was beyond my very limited experience to want someone so badly. I wished I could take back my promise of just sleep as Grey crawled into my bed in nothing but his boxers, pulling the blanket over his taut form.
“I don’t snore, but I am a kicker.” I warned him with a sigh.
“In that case, I’d better keep you close to me.” He grinned, and his strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me closely against his hard body. I couldn’t help but smile as he held me tightly, his warmth and his smell enveloping me, making me feel warm and cozy and safe. I snuggled into him, lacing my fingers through his and kissing his hand.
“I haven’t been to bed this early since I was eight.” I laughed.
“Me either.” Grey admitted from behind me. I didn’t feel tired, but with his strong arms around me, I was perfectly content. With my free hand, I reached over and clicked off the lamp. Darkness blanketed the room, adding to my cocoon of total serenity.
“Goodnight, Grey.” I whispered into the blackness.
“Goodnight, Mackenzie.”
CHAPTER 33
The week went by way too quickly. I had to share Grey during the day, with work and his constant band practices, but at night he was all mine. We would hole up in my room and get high and just … be together. There were no distractions, no interruptions—just Grey and I, hanging out, having fun. With every moment I spent with him, I dreaded his leaving that much more.
I was happy when the guys decided to cancel their usual Saturday night gig at the Aurora, even happier when Grey chose to spend that free time at home with me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved to party, nothing cheered me up faster than a night out on the town. But I loved being alone with Grey even more.
Presently he leaned across my bed, handing me the railed up mirror carefully. I bent over and snorted the blow, pulling back on my forehead as I sniffed in.
“That’s good.” I commented, sniffing the drugs deep into my sinuses. I could feel their effects almost immediately. I smiled shakily and took a drag of my cigarette, aware of Grey’s eyes on me. Ever since the overdose, he’d been extra cautious when it came to my coke use … how much I did, how often I did it. I didn’t mind though. The bruises covering my legs had just begun to heal, but they were still a little sore. If Grey’s concern would keep me from having a seizure again, I was all for it.
“Your turn.” I passed him the mirror and fidgeted with my smoke, crossing and re-crossing my legs, smiling at the warm energy that permeated my being. He took the mirror from me and sniffed back the lines of soft, chalky powder. I studied him closely, taking in his every feature and committing them to memory so I could easily recall his gorgeous face when he was gone. His cheeks were tan and covered in coarse, dark stubble; his eyes of the most beautiful blue, his lips full and curved into the usual smirk. His dark hair was short and messy, sticking out from under his ball cap. The shirt he wore was plain and black, he had leather-studded bracelets upon his right wrist; his arms were just as dark, just as tan as the rest of him, and they were muscular and strong.
“What?” He chuckled when he noticed me staring. I shook my head, biting my lip, pulling my fingers absently through the long, dark hair hanging loose around my shoulders.
“Nothing. I’m just going to miss you, that’s all.”
“It’s only for a month … or so, but it’ll go by faster than you can imagine.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, though I didn’t believe him. I knew the time was going to drag by; at least, it would for me. I chewed my nails. “Promise you won’t forget me?”
“You mean, while I’m off making myself famous?”
“Rich and famous.” I corrected.
“Right. I forgot you were spoiled.” Grey teased. “Can’t forget rich.”
“Shut up.” I slapped him playfully. His fist clenched tightly around the offending wrist and pinned it back against the bed. I tried to fight him with the other hand, but it suffered the same fate as the first, trapped in an iron grip against the mattress. Laughing, I lay back, pinioned by him as he leaned overtop of me.
“Grey … Grey … stop ….” I choked out between laughs. “… I’m serious ….”
“If you’re so serious, then why are you laughing?” His voice was suddenly thick, his eyes heady as they scanned my face. His face hung just inches from mine.
“I’m not.” I whispered, the last traces of mirth disappearing from my voice. I smiled at him pleadingly. “Grey, promise me.”
“Promise you what?” Grey bent and kissed my collarbone, just below my neck, sending a shiver of pure heat through me. Then his lips moved slowly, achingly down my breastbone, beyond my ribs, gliding across the smooth skin of my stomach. He let go of my wrists but I didn’t move them. My heart was beating loudly in my throat; my breath was shaky, faster.
“Promise that you won’t forget me.” I pleaded.
“Forget you? I could nev
er.”
Grey stopped his trail of kisses just above the waistband of my jeans. His lips curved into a smile as he looked up at me, his blue eyes gleaming wickedly.
“What about you? Would you forget me?”
I shook my head, breathless.
“You won’t after this.”
We were still entwined the next morning when I awoke. It took me a few minutes to come too, a few minutes to assimilate the heavy weight of Grey’s arm around my waist. Once I understood, a smile curved my lips and I snuggled against the hard form behind me.
We still hadn’t had sex. I mean, we had done many other things … wonderful things … things that sent a quick blush of heat to my cheeks at just the thought of them. We’d spent the most amazing night together. But still, Grey had stopped us before we could go the final distance, and I just didn’t understand it. I was actually starting to get a complex about the whole thing. I mean, we’d had plenty of opportunity, plenty of chances to do it, but we just … didn’t. He didn’t want to, for some reason. I couldn’t help but think it had something to do with me.
Grey stirred. It was early in the morning, the sun was doing its damndest to sneak through the Venetian blinds on the window, peaking around the edges and filtering through the cracks. We’d been awakened by the sound of the radio coming through my alarm clock. I hated the noise; I knew it meant that Grey would be leaving me soon.
“Good morning.” He whispered in my ear, his voice low, like velvet. His stubble rubbed against my cheek. My heart wanted to burst, I was so content. I tried to enjoy the moment as best I could while it lasted.
“Good morning.” I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it. I thought quickly about doing some more cocaine, but pushed the thought from my mind. I had to save my rations; I’d need them after Grey left. “Do you want a smoke?” I asked instead.
“Sure.” He answered. I had recently discovered the brilliance of smoking in bed. I grabbed my pack from the nightstand and lit two cigarettes, turning over and handing him one. We smoked in satisfied silence a moment.
The blankets were low on his torso, his tan chest naked on the bed, his head resting against his arms. I propped my head on my hand and slowly trailed my fingers over the hard contours of his pecks and his abs in open admiration. He was so perfect, so unbelievably beautiful. I sighed happily. I’d never been this intimate with someone before.
I’d never experienced what happened last night, to sleep wrapped up around someone wearing nothing at all, to wake up with them the next morning in a cocoon of total bliss and contentment. He’d held me all night long, and I’d never felt safer.
I couldn’t help but wonder if anything would change once we did have sex. Would it be better? Would we be closer? I blew my smoke out thoughtfully, trying to imagine what it’d be like, how it would feel. The curiosity was driving me crazy. I knew he had to leave soon, I knew our time together was fleeting. I had to ask him, I had to know before he left.
“Grey?”
“What?” His voice was still raspy from sleep.
I could feel the heat in my face, and knew I was blushing. “Nothing, never mind.” I changed my mind, I couldn’t ask him. It was too embarrassing.
“What is it? Tell me.” He chuckled. “You have to tell me now.”
“No, it’s stupid. Forget it.”
“Mackenzie.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s ….” I groaned and shut my eyes, forcing out the words. “I just, I’ve been wondering … I mean, don’t get me wrong, last night was amazing … but I was just wondering … why we don’t …” I couldn’t say it.
“Why we don’t have sex?” He finished for me.
I nodded shamefully. “Yeah.”
“Well, you’re a virgin, right?”
“Is it that obvious?” My blush deepened. Why did I bring this up? I was going to die of humiliation; I knew it.
“No, it’s not obvious. Not in the way you’re thinking. Not in a bad way.” Grey smiled at me.
“Okay ….”
“Look, Mackenzie.” He sat up a bit, adjusting the blankets as he did so. He looked at me seriously, but his lips were still bent in a smile. “I’m not in any rush or anything. We can wait until you’re ready.”
“I’m ready.” I stated certainly.
He chuckled. “I know you think that, but are you really? Maybe you just feel that way because you think I expect it. And I don’t. I mean, I’d like to, yeah … hell yeah,” he looked me over roguishly and smirked, “and it’s definitely not easy. But I can wait.”
I was stunned. And relieved. I had no idea Grey was so … thoughtful. That he cared enough to wait until I was truly ready, that he wanted to make sure I knew for certain when I was. I shook my head at him in utter disbelief.
“Wow. What makes you so … careful?”
“I don’t know.” Grey shrugged. He took a drag of his cigarette and blew out the smoke, avoiding my gaze, like he was the uncomfortable one now. “I don’t know,” he repeated. “I’ve had a shit life, Mackenzie. A total shit life. But I’ve got a chance now, to do something right for once. You know?” He met my eyes then, his burning blue. “I feel like if I do right by you, it’s, I don’t know, it’s like a shot at redemption, or something. Does that make any sense?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. But … what do you need redemption for?” Though elated by his sentiment, my heart swelled with compassion for him. I hated hearing that he had a “shit life,” I couldn’t imagine what that meant. As much as I complained about my family and my parents, deep down I knew I had it pretty good. What Grey was alluding to, I had no real idea, only a feeling that it was bad. I looked up at him with concern.
“It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Grey chuckled and shrugged it off. “I just; I don’t want to screw this up. That’s all you need to know.”
“How could you?” I lay my head down on his hard chest; my long, dark curls spreading over him. “I won’t let you.”
Grey’s hand found my hair, stroking the soft tresses and running his fingers through them, sending little shivers through me. We lay together in comfortable silence for a while. I wondered what he was thinking about, if he were back reliving the memories of his youth that he so needed to be absolved of. I hoped that one day he would talk to me about it, but I wasn’t going to push him or pry. Grey was always so cool, so casual, he would never convey even a hint of trauma or torment about him. I had a feeling that all of it was buried, somewhere deep and lost inside, hidden in a dark corner that no light could ever touch.
His life was a mystery to me; there was so much I had left to discover. It was odd growing up in a small town not to know absolutely everything about a person before you even meet. I loved it though; I loved the ambiguity of it all. I looked forward to learning everything there was to know about Grey. I had so many questions about the different chapters in his life, and could only hope that one day he would tell me the rest of the story, the parts edited for content, kept only to himself.
His heartbeat was loud in my ear. I smiled contentedly. When Grey was ready to talk, I would be there to listen.
Zack’s car idled loudly against the curb as the guys loaded their luggage into the trunk. It was a gorgeous day, hot enough to “fry a cat on a sidewalk,” as my Grandma would say. I stood back and waited, my arms crossed, watching as they packed their things. The guys were jovial and cheery, obviously excited as they prepared to embark on their adventure. But I couldn’t say the same for me.
I hated this day. I couldn’t even pretend to be happy about it. I wasn’t going to cry though, I had promised myself that much. I could be strong; I was going to be strong. After Grey threw his last bag into the trunk of the car, he turned back to me and smiled. I forced myself to grin back at him. I was going to be strong.
He gathered me into his arms then, and I clung to the hard warmth of his body, breathing deeply for one last time his delicious scent. I could tell he was trying to hide his excitement, his perfect fac
e seemed crestfallen as he looked down at me, but there was no mistaking the light apparent in his clear blue eyes. At least he had tried, for my sake.
“Have fun while I’m gone.” Grey brushed the hair back from my face. “But not too much fun, okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Same for you.”
“Promise you’ll be careful? I don’t want to go crazy worrying about you.”
“I promise.” I smiled, despite myself, at his obvious concern.
Grey bent down and kissed me then, long and slowly, his lips lingering on mine. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. I wanted to beg him to stay.
“I love you.” I whispered.
He smiled at me. “I’ll call you.”
I nodded as he pulled away. I forced myself to take a breath, to hold back the tears that were threatening. My throat was aching.
“Let’s go boys!” Alex called—ever his loud, grinning self—cheering as he slammed the trunk shut. “It’s time to make some music.”
“You be good while I’m gone.” Grey implored. I nodded again, unable to speak, and watched in agony while they all piled into the car. Charlie came and joined me after saying goodbye to Zack. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and gave me a comforting squeeze. We waved forlornly as the vehicle pulled out onto the road, music cranking from the open windows as they drove away. We could still hear Alex cheering, even from afar.
I sighed heavily, crossing my arms.
“Well, Mac, it’s just you and me now.” Charlie stated.
“Yep.”
“So ….” She grinned at me. “You wanna get blitzed or what?”
CHAPTER 34
Charlie and I kept ourselves as high as we could for the rest of the day. It helped me forget how badly I already missed Grey, how my heart had begun aching for him the moment the car was out of sight. We ignored the creeping loneliness with cocaine and sun tanning and by watching Jim Carrey movies well into the night. It wasn’t until I crawled beneath the covers of my too empty bed that I recognized the heartbreak of solitude. I wished for Grey’s strong, warm arms around me; to have him whisper in my ear, to feel his lips on mine. I sighed and curled up into as tight a ball as I could. This was going to be a looong month.
Life of the Party Page 27
