“I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” I admitted.
Riley was silent a moment. “Come on, Mac. Your family’s waiting.”
Somehow, I managed to get out of the car. I felt like I didn’t have the strength to stand, my heart was pounding so profusely, aching so abominably. I stood by helplessly as Riley grabbed my suitcase from the trunk. Sensing my hesitation and always caring for me more than himself—always putting my feelings above his own, Riley took my hand in his and led me up the walkway.
“You can do this Mac. I believe in you.” He squeezed my hand.
“Yeah …” But there was no confidence in my voice. I focused on his hand around mine, trying to draw some strength from him, holding on to everything I could until the terrible moment when he left.
We stopped before the door and Riley set my bag down on the stoop. I gazed up at him, into the eyes of my best and oldest friend, and the pain was so bad I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I held on to my resolve by a tenuous thread. It’d be so easy to ask him to stay ….
“Goodbye, Mackenzie.” He managed a smile, but I could see that he was hurting too, that this goodbye was just as hard for him. He loved me, after all.
“Goodbye, Riley.” I choked out. The tears were coming, I couldn’t stop them.
Tenderly, he stroked my cheek, and I leaned my face against the warmth of his palm. With my eyes locked in his dark gaze, Riley bent towards me agonizingly slow, and then gently, he kissed me. It was light, and his touch was soft, and his sweet breath on my tongue was warm and familiar. But with it came … something else. Something totally unexpected. Like a quick jolt of electricity that barrelled through me. A spark. No—bigger than a spark. A current. When Riley pulled away from me I couldn’t fathom it. I just stood there, stunned into a stupor, blinking before me, reeling from the new sensation.
And then I realized that he was gone. I looked for him, gasping, watching his broad back as he made his way down the flagstone steps and back towards his car. What the hell was that? I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I should stop him, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have time to decide.
I took a step towards him, my limbs trembling with uncertainty. He was at the car now. All I had to do was call for him; all I had to do was shout for him to stop. I opened my mouth but no words came, no sound. I was frozen, rooted in place by the sheer depth of my indecision, grounded by my hesitation … like I was in a nightmare or something.
I heard the door open behind me. “Mackenzie?”
I gulped, tearing my eyes from Riley’s form, sparing a terrible moment to turn around and find my mother’s smiling face, beaming in her exuberance when she spotted me there on the step.
“You’re home.” She smiled through her tears, swept me up into her arms and hugged me as tightly as she could. I hugged her back, resting my face against her soft, warm shoulder; holding back my tears, trying to find some solace in her embrace from the sudden turmoil of my emotions. I just didn’t know what to do. I was so confused, so … unsure.
Then, with a sinking heart, I heard Riley start the car behind us. I heard him put it in drive, heard him pull out onto the street; heard the sound of his engine slowly fading away into the distance. And I knew that he was gone. I knew that Riley had left me, again, but for good this time.
Mom smiled at me through her tears. “Honey, I’m so proud of you.” Gently, she stroked my hair back from my face, her eyes shining with sincerity. “I’ve missed you so much.” And instinctively I knew that she didn’t just mean the last three months.
I’d been gone for years.
Mom put an arm around me and led me into the house. I followed eagerly, welcoming any distraction from the utter upheaval of my emotions, no matter how awkward it might be. I tried to sniff back my sadness as I entered, my distress. All along I’d known how hard it would be when Riley actually left, but I had anticipated some … victory, some relief in it as well. Like peace—knowing I had done something selfless for once, something right.
All I felt now was panic. I had to fight the urge to turn and run out the front door, to run straight to Riley’s house and take it all back. To do or say anything to make him cancel his flight and stay.
Why is it so hard Riley? Why is it so hard to let you go?
I forced myself to ignore it, forced a smile on my face; forced myself to focus on the rest of my family, waiting in the living room beneath a “Welcome Home Mackenzie!” banner that hung across the mantle of the fireplace. Marcy was there, and Greg, and my dad—and from the moment we walked in the door, they were all beaming at me.
Dad came right over and hugged us both, kissing my hair, tears shining in his eyes. He passed me over to Marcy, who whispered in my ear how impressed she was by what I’d done. And even Greg—in an awkward, brother-in-law kind of way—hugged me to him with great sincerity and told me that I’d been missed.
I couldn’t have asked for a better reception. It reminded me of Christmas—before my parents had caught me using in their bathroom. I felt like I was accepted again, like I was truly loved. For real this time. I sat down on the couch and we caught up on the last three months. I did most of the talking, but my family hung on every word, like they’d never expected to hear me speak again, like every sentence was a special gift. I wasn’t used to such attention; it was … touching. Nothing was really said about Grey, but it didn’t have to be. I knew they were all truly, deeply sorry for my loss. I knew now that they wanted nothing but my happiness.
I had much to say to them. In treatment, I had made it to step six and seven, and now it was time to make my amends. Tearfully, I apologized for everything I’d ever done. For lying and sneaking out, for my terrible attitude, for stealing their money, for ruining Marcy’s wedding … for everything. I wouldn’t let myself stop until every guilty thought within my heart was brought into the light. And when I was done, I knew I was forgiven. I knew that we could start again with a clean slate. I knew I had a family that loved me, a family I felt lucky to be a part of.
It was such a weight off my shoulders. When we sat down to dinner, the conversation around me was light and happy, like I should’ve been. My confessions had been difficult, but they were over, and I should have been relieved. I sat back and tried to join in the talk around the table, tried to revel in the aura of celebration around me. But I couldn’t. I’d been bothered all afternoon, nagged at by a dreadful knot of worry gnawing away at my stomach. One I just couldn’t ignore, no matter how I tried.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Riley.
“So, where’s Riley?” Mom wondered suddenly, as if reading my mind. “I thought I’d see him here for dinner.”
I stared at her a moment, my forkful of pot-roast halfway to my mouth. I raised my eyebrows. “Uh … you did?”
“Yes.” She smiled warmly at me. “I know he’s been visiting you. He comes here almost every day after seeing you, to let us know how you’re doing.”
I couldn’t contain my surprise. “He doesn’t.”
“Yes, he does. And I invited him for supper tonight too … but I guess he had plans?”
“Yeah … he’s … he’s heading back to school tonight.” I mumbled.
Mom nodded, and then looked down at her plate, seemingly embarrassed. “I actually have an apology to make, too, Mackenzie. I’m sorry. I was wrong about Riley.” She looked up again, meeting my eyes. “He’s a fine young man. And I really need to call his mother.” She added as an afterthought.
I looked despairingly at Marcy. “Seriously? Where’s my real mom?”
“I know.” Marcy laughed. “But trust me, that’s her.”
“Riley really came here every day?” I asked in amazement, intrigued. “What did you talk about? What did he say?”
“He just told us how you were doing. Some days not so good, other days really good, most days, in between.” Mom winked at Marcy. “But almost every day, he said you were more beautiful than ever.”
&nbs
p; “He didn’t.” My instant reaction was to deny it all.
“No, Mac, he did.” Marcy nodded at me with a smile. “Seriously.”
I looked down at my baked potato and speared at it uneasily with my fork. I could feel my cheeks betraying me, could feel the crimson blush staining my skin. Mom and Marcy exchanged a secret, knowing glance, like they thought Riley’s sweetness was to blame for my sudden discomfit. I mean, it was—but not only that … it was just … everything. The sudden sinking feeling deep in my soul that told me I had done the wrong thing by making Riley leave. The fearful, nagging voice in my head that insisted it was the only way. And then on top of everything else, the kiss I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about. The crazy, unexpected spark that had erupted between us and totally blew my mind, totally threw my whole being off its well-intended course.
Anxiously, I bit my lip and let my fork fall with a clatter on my near empty plate. My heart was pounding and a panicked sweat ran cold over my tensed limbs. I just didn’t know what to do, and time was running out. I needed to talk to someone about it, someone who knew me, someone who’d understand, who’d really get the situation.
The person I needed was Riley. But he was out of the question, and without him, there was no one left. No one left to talk to, no one left to turn to ….
No. That wasn’t true. My eyes widened as a sudden thought occurred to me—a horribly dangerous, wonderfully appealing idea. Of course. Charlie. I had Charlie. She knew me, she’d understand. Once upon a time, we had told each other everything. And suddenly, I was desperate to see my old friend again. To talk to her, to laugh with her, to let her know how badly she’d been missed. To hear from her lips the answer to my problems.
And she was so close now ….
“Mom, do you mind if I go out for a bit?” I asked abruptly. “There’s something I need to do.”
Everyone around the table stopped and looked at me cautiously. I chuckled to myself. “I’m not going to get high.” I reassured them. “I just need to go … see someone.”
Mom tried really hard not to offend me. “Who, sweetie?” She asked warily.
“Riley.” I answered quickly the first name that came to my head, the only name I could say without arousing further suspicion. It wasn’t really a lie … I was going to go see someone about Riley. It was basically the same thing.
“Oh.” Mom nodded, smiling knowingly, even managing a wink towards my older sister. Everyone around the table relaxed. Everyone but me. I bit my lip restlessly.
“Do you want to take your car, hon?” Dad asked. “The keys are next to the door.”
“No, it’s okay. I think I’ll walk.” I got up and grabbed my jacket, quickly shrugging into it. “It’s still pretty nice outside.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t be too long, honey.” Mom admonished.
“I won’t.” I promised. With a quick wave, I headed out the door.
I lit a smoke as I walked. Charlie lived down by Riley, by the trailer park, so I had a way to go. The cool air helped clear my head, helped calm my racing heart. But I still felt oddly … frantic. Like I needed to hurry, like I needed to get to Charlie’s house before I realized just how stupid I was being, hurtling recklessly towards the exact situation that I’d feared—the people, the substance … the temptation. But my mind was made up. Charlie could help me; I knew it. I couldn’t go back now. I quickened my steps and tried to distract myself—tried to ignore the quiet, urging voice of reason within me—focusing instead on the streets I passed by, taking in the sights of my old, familiar town.
A wave of nostalgia hit me as I walked. I realized wistfully that although I had grown up here, although I had lived my entire life here, already it didn’t feel like home to me. Everything looked the same, but it was all … different now. Like something had changed in the last three months I’d been away … something I couldn’t name, but definitely couldn’t ignore.
I threw my smoke into the street, put my head down, and hurried on.
CHAPTER 69
My heart was pounding nervously as I finally approached Charlie’s apartment. I knew that Riley wouldn’t approve of what I was doing. I knew that my sponsor would be having a shit-fit. But I needed to see my friend. I just wanted to talk to her, that’s all. I wasn’t going to get high, I wouldn’t even smoke weed or have a drink. I just wanted to talk.
I trudged up the old, icy, treacherous stairs, bombarded by memories as I knocked on the door. How many times had I fled up these steps, drunk, high … a bit of both. I bit my lip uncertainly as I heard slow, sluggish footsteps coming to the entry.
“Holy shit! It’s Mackenzie!” Charlie exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as she could muster, her beautiful face lighting up at the sight of me. I expected to feel the same happiness in seeing her, but the moment the door opened I felt stricken—felt my heart sinking heavily in my chest. I managed a smile though, and stepped inside the apartment, accepting Charlie’s exuberant hug.
“Baby, you look good.” She decided, giving me a once over. “Rehab has done wonders, hey?” Charlie giggled. “Hey guys, look who it is!”
Charlie was high, I could tell. I looked over into the living room. Alex was there—wasted—with Courtney leaning drowsily over his lap. Were they together now? And Zack was sprawled across the couch. He looked up at me and smiled hazily.
“Mac, how’ve you been?” Zack was the only one capable of speech.
I couldn’t answer. I looked wildly around the room. Once it had been homey and comforting, but now it seemed dirty … dark, depressing. Needles were scattered across the coffee table. Beer bottles were upturned on every surface. The entire room bespoke of gloom, of oppression and just … desperation. Even Charlie, as beautiful as she was, I saw in a different light. Her blue eyes were glazed over, her tiny frame sunken in. My spirit squirmed within me, my soul revolted, and it took everything I had not to run straight out of the room. I couldn’t be there. I loved Charlie, I loved Alex and Zack, but I couldn’t be there. The air was thick with despair; I could feel it in every breath I took, choking me with its heaviness, with its misery.
Now that I had seen the light, the darkness was blinding.
My craving roared to life within me, like gas thrown on a fire, but now there was no power in its demand. Because I knew, that I knew, that I just couldn’t do it. That it wasn’t for me, not anymore. It was terrifying—empowering—but for the first time in my life, I knew what was right. I knew which way to go, which direction to choose, which course would bring me life. And all of them lead me away from there. Far, far away from there.
“I’m so glad you’re back, man, I’ve missed you.” Charlie smiled. “Here, let me take your coat.”
“No.” I shrunk away from her. “No … I’ve gotta go.”
“What?” She blinked at me. “But you just got back.”
“I know.” I didn’t know how to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her. “I’m sorry Charlie, but I have to go. I can’t stay here.”
Her eyebrows creased together. “What do you mean, you can’t stay here? What are you, too good for us now?” She seemed genuinely offended.
“No. No. Charlie, I love you.” I insisted. “I just have to go.”
“Fine. Go then.” She scoffed, crossing her arms. “What’s stopping you?”
Nothing. Nothing was stopping me. I hugged her abruptly—she was stiff with anger in my arms—and then I hastened for the door. I felt terrible for doing this to them, to her, but I couldn’t explain it. As badly as I wanted to be their friend, as badly as I would miss them, I knew that past was forever off limits to me now.
And it was then I realized what had irrevocably changed over the last three months.
Me.
My steps were heavy as I made my way down the rickety old stairs, saddened by my discovery, resigned to it. I knew it was inevitable—necessary, even—but still I wished it could be different. I wished I could be friends with them and live my new life as well. It
was impossible though, they just weren’t for me anymore—none of it was. I knew that now.
With a sigh, I sat down on the bottom step and lit a cigarette, just as the first drops of rain began to fall, pattering around me. And suddenly, like the rain, it hit me. Suddenly, I understood. Why Riley had left me all those months ago, how he could’ve left me, even though he loved me. It was the same as Charlie and I. I wanted to stay with her, I loved her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t ….
“Holy shit!” I exclaimed in surprise, abruptly getting to my feet, gasping at the realization that shook my entire world. It hit me like a ton of bricks, like a kick in the guts. Riley had left me; he left me because he had to. But then he came back. He came back because he loved me.
And I loved him. I loved him.
It took mere seconds before I was running down the street, as fast as I could—desperate, fighting the ice slick with rain, fighting the clock. How could I not have realized? How could I have ignored it for so long? Of course I loved Riley. Hadn’t I always loved Riley? I’d loved him forever, but I’d been fighting it this whole time. Blocking it all out on purpose, for fear that it would ruin the best thing I’d ever known. That it would wreck us permanently.
But now, a new fear fuelled my aching muscles; pushed them to keep moving. I was panicked, terrified by my actions, afraid that I had made the biggest mistake of my life telling Riley to leave. I loved him—I knew that now, and I would love him with everything that remained of my broken, selfish heart. It was all I had, but it was all for him, and he needed to know that. He had to know that before he got on the plane.
I turned the corner of his block, slowing in tangible relief when I saw his car was still there, parked in the drive. It was idling noisily, ready to go—I had barely made it. But there was still time. Time for me to say what I had to say, time for him to hear what he had to hear. My heart was hammering in my chest as I approached, my lungs burning from the effort. But I had made it.
Life of the Party Page 56
