by Kate Anders
“Please, your phone never rings,” she retorts.
“I have cultivated my lack of a ringing cell phone, thank you very much. After years of research, I have found if you never answer phone calls, or return voice mails with anything other than a text, people will eventually learn to only text you,” I tell her.
Not my phone ringing.
Clara finally digs her phone out of her bag and silences it.
“See, you don’t even want to talk to whoever that is, but I bet they will call back,” I say, pointing at her phone.
She rolls her eyes and says, “I think someone has been giving out the wrong number or something. Nobody is ever on the other end or they ask for someone else that isn’t me.” She shrugs. “It’s easier to just not answer.”
“Exactly.”
Clara looks back down at her phone. “Well, I guess I should probably get to work on my machine learning project.” She grabs her bag as she heads through the living room back toward her room.
“Machine learning! And you think I’m crazy because I think machines are going to take over the world one day.”
CHAPTER THREE
“GRAVITY” BY JOHN MAYER
“I got it!” Clara yells out from back in her bedroom. I barely catch my cup of hot chocolate from spilling, being startled when Clara keeps yelling, “I got it, I got it, I got it! Kenz, I got it! Can you believe it?”
“The internship?” It’s literally the only thing that she could be talking about, but hey, she’s excited, so I’ll play along.
“YES!” she screams. “I can’t believe it. I knew I had a chance, but they really picked me. Out of everyone, they picked me! I never get this lucky.”
“Clara, seriously, you work your ass off more than anyone I know. It’s not luck. Of course they knew you were the perfect choice for the position,” I tell her.
“I know, it’s just, I dunno, I didn’t have a great feeling about it.” She shrugs.
“Why not? I thought you told me the interview went really well?”
“Well, yeah, it was fine, but you know how it is. You always second-guess if you answered the questions the right way. And to be honest, it was a bunch of dudes in suits at a conference table grilling me. I can talk to a nerdy guy with tattoos on his arms, but suits. No way. They make me nervous, and this was a roomful of suits,” she explains.
“Really? I’ve picked you up from lab like a million times and not even the professors wear suits. It’s like a convention of how comfortable can we get.” I laugh with her at the visual.
“Yeah, I know, but you try sitting in the same chair for over twelve hours a day, staring at a screen trying to write code to get the machine to do something that seems like a simple task only for it to result in an error message. Believe me, being comfortable is important. I know people who have spent hundreds, even thousands, of dollars on a top-notch computer chair.”
“Now that doesn’t surprise me at all. I don’t think I have ever sat in a truly comfortable desk chair in my entire life.”
“So true.” Clara tilts her head to the side and starts fiddling with her locket. “Do you think they will have nice chairs at their office? I mean, the internship is a lot of hours.”
“It’s a multimillion dollar company. I’m sure they are better than the sixty-buck chairs from Walmart, but probably not by much.”
“Ugh, you’re probably right.” She shakes her head. “I don’t care, I got the internship! And that jerk from class, Preston, is going to have to eat his words.”
“Oh, right, that guy.” I cock my head to the side. “I take back everything I just said. He’s the one guy in four years of seeing you in computer labs who actually wears pretentious clothes. Does he starch everything he owns because, honestly, it looks like his clothes wouldn’t bend to let him sit down?”
“Oh my god, YES!” Clara doubles over. “You can smell it too! I never considered that starch had a smell, but you know when he comes into a room because of the smell.” She laughs. “He came back from his interview and was so sure that he got the internship.”
“Of course he did. He seems like one of those guys who couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone would ever choose anyone but him.”
“Yep, exactly. He was bragging about how he talked to the executives about where he buys his favorite ties. Honestly, when he was talking about it, all I could think was if they give this pompous jerk this internship, then I definitely don’t want to work for them.”
“But they didn’t. They picked you, ’cause you’re exceptional and they know it.”
“Do you know how many doors this is going to open for me after graduation? I have almost five months to work on some major projects that I can put on my resume. It’s basically a guarantee that I am going to get hired on at one of the big tech firms around here when I graduate. And you know the pay is going to be kick ass. Just think of the apartment we’ll be able to afford. No more creepy Mr. Peterson.”
“Man, for that alone, I think we should totally celebrate. Dinner tonight, we could go to the Melting Pot. I know how much you love melted cheese.”
“Really?” Clara bounces up and down with excitement.
“Of course, my treat. Honestly, Clara, you deserve this so much. I am so proud of you,” I tell her with a quick hug. “You are going to do amazing things, Clara Tomas.”
“CLARA,” I call out from the living room. “The reservation is at eight. We gotta go! Hop to or no cheese for you!”
I pause as I am putting on my watch and listen for Clara, but I hear nothing at all. What is she doing? I walk over to her bedroom and her door is just barely cracked open. I tap it and it swings open a few more inches.
I see Clara sitting on the edge of her bed, silently crying.
“Clara?”
She looks up at me, and I can see the path her tears have taken down her face. My heart breaks a little for her in this moment. I can see her fiddling with her locket again, and I can tell that this is one of the few times that she has opened the locket.
“You okay?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
Clara sniffles a little and looks down at the pictures in her locket.
“Yeah, I’m okay, I’m just…”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s a big day. It’s only natural that it would bring up big feelings for you,” I tell her, hoping that it brings her any kind of comfort.
“I know.” She looks up and smiles weakly at me. “I just miss them so much. I barely even remember my dad, but my mom… I just miss them.”
“Of course you do!” I move over to her to sit next to her on the bed.
“We talked about what it would be like so many times, you know?”
“You and your mom?” I ask.
“Yeah.” She pauses, looking down at the picture of her mom in a field of flowers. “She was so excited about me going to college. We spent so much time sitting at the kitchen table mapping out what my plans were going to be.” She smiles. “I remember her asking me what my dreams were. If I could do anything when I grew up, what would it be? Sky’s the limit kind of stuff.” Clara laughs a little. “I thought she was crazy, but she wouldn’t let it go. So I made up my dream job, and she just sat there and listened. She asked questions and helped me flesh it all out, and when I finished, she just turned and looked at me and said, ‘let’s make it happen.’”
I reach over and grab Clara’s hand. “She sounds amazing, Clara.”
“She really was. She would have been so excited about this internship. It was on the list of pie in the sky dream steps so I could make all my ‘when I grow up’ dreams come true.”
I don’t know what to say at this moment. I don’t recognize myself in Clara’s life. She had this amazing mother who was so supportive and actually wanted to know who her daughter was growing up to be.
My mother checked out long ago. Sometimes I wonder if my mom even remembers my birthday anymore. Clara’s mom is the mom I used to have until everything changed when I was
eight. Now I have these strangers who look so familiar but don’t seem to see me at all. If my mom died, I would be sad, of course, but it wouldn’t crush me. When Clara’s mom died, she fell apart. Sometimes she still does. They were best friends. They loved each other, cared about what each other wanted in life. If my mom dropped dead tomorrow, literally nothing about my life would change. At all.
I say the only thing that comes to mind. “I’m so sorry, Clara. I wish I could have known her. She sounds amazing.”
“This is all I have left, you know,” she says, holding the locket. “It doesn’t seem like much, but really, it’s everything to me. Especially on days like today. It feels like my mom and dad are both with me, you know? Like they were there when I got the news about the internship, like they are somewhere watching over me having their own little celebration that my dreams are all coming true.”
I squeeze her hand again. “Of course they are with you, the way they loved you, Clare Bear. There is no way they would be anywhere else but watching over you.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Of course I am. I’m outstanding like that. I know all kinds of neat stuff,” I joke, trying to get a little smile out of Clara.
“Of course you are,” she retorts as she rolls her eyes.
“You okay?” I ask as I nudge her with my shoulder a little.
“Yeah, sometimes a girl just needs a good cry,” she tells me.
“You know what a girl needs after a good cry?” I ask.
“Melted cheese and unlimited bread?” She perks right up.
“Uh, yeah. Can’t forget about the melted chocolate and unlimited Rice Krispies too.”
“You can keep your Rice Krispies. I’m all about the brownies.”
“Ugh, no. Brownies dipped in chocolate? I’m sorry, that’s just too much for me. You can keep your brownies.”
“Deal. But we split the strawberries.”
“Of course.”
I reach over and pull her into a big hug.
“I’m so proud of you Clara, you’re going to do amazing things, and I know without a shadow of doubt in my mind that your mom is more proud of you than any other mother in the history of moms.”
Clara laughs. “You know there are people out there that cure diseases and discovered how to make insulin and many other amazing things, and you think my mom is the proudest? I haven’t even done anything yet,” she exclaims.
“Yeah, but you will. And if your mom is anything like you, she would throw down with any of those other mothers to tell them how great her baby girl is.”
Clara pulls out of our hug with a smile on her face and the sound of laughter coming out of her. “You’re right, she totally would.”
“Damn straight.” I nod my head once for emphasis. “Come on, chick, let’s get us some cheese.”
The sounds of the restaurant are picking up. I can hear the people over in the bar area laughing and talking. I can’t help but try to remember the last time I went out like this, to a nice restaurant with friends and laughter. It’s been a while. Probably since the last time things were good with me and Collin.
Clara is right. I used to smile. He made me smile. But hearing those voices coming from the bar, the way the sounds of their laughter carry across the room, I can’t help but wonder when the last time I had that was? Sure, I joke around with Clara, and honestly, she’s the only reason I laugh or smile at all anymore. But before, when Collin and I were still together, and I thought I had my life all mapped out, did I laugh like that? Was I happy? Or was it all just an illusion I was building? A desperate attempt to make sure my life didn’t end up like my childhood, filled with a quiet desperation just to be seen and bone-chilling sadness that never seemed to let up. I hate to admit it, but it might have been an elaborate illusion. But was it always that way?
I had butterflies in the beginning. I remember them. And he was funny, always with a sarcastic quip. We had a similar sarcastic style back then. We would play off of each other for hours; I remember that feeling of happiness. When did it all change? Was it all just Collin? Or was some of it me?
“Earth to Kenzie,” Clara says while waving her drink in front of me, “You okay?”
I sit up straighter in my chair. “Yeah, of course, just thinkin’, no bigs,” I tell her.
“You sure? You looked about a million miles away,” she says.
“Totally. I promise. Besides, tonight is all about you and celebrating,” I tell her, trying to change the subject.
“You know, just because we are having a fancy dinner because of me, doesn’t mean we can’t still talk about you.”
“Yeah, I know, but your thing is way more exciting than mine.”
“You thinking about Collin?”
“You know, I hate that you can do that,” I tell her, already gearing up to be frustrated.
“Read your mind?” she asks with a smile.
“Yes,” I say right back.
“I’m your best friend. We are basically sisters. Of course I can read your mind.”
I just stare back at her.
“It’s not that hard, Kenz. It’s not like things have been easy the last couple of months. Everything with Collin is a shit show, and not just because of him. Besides, it seems like Chanel’s mission in life is to torment you.”
“It’s not that,” I try to explain when she looks like she is going to challenge me. “No really. It’s not so fresh anymore and I can’t help but wonder if I was actually happy with Collin.”
“You were. For a while.” She pauses. “But if I am going to be honest, even before everything blew up, something changed. I know I keep saying that you used to smile before, and it’s true you did… but it was more than that.”
“I used to laugh.”
“More than that, too. You were excited about the future. You used to talk about graduating and the life that you were going to build with Collin. Constantly talking about how much you loved his family, and holidays, and tons of other stuff. And then you didn’t anymore. You talked about what you were doing next week, and what Collin said, or what Collin wanted to do. You let all the future stuff go.”
Sitting back in the bench seat, I really think about what Clara is saying. I can’t find any fault with it. I did used to be excited for the future. The family I was so excited to become a part of and build with Collin. Everything kind of changed last summer, when Collin started spending a lot more time with his grandfather at his law firm. It was all image, what other people thought of us, and being the most important person in the room. I hated it. What’s wrong with wearing sweats or leggings to class? Never in my life have I worn more than a few swipes of makeup unless it was some kind of formal event, and suddenly Collin was using words like homely.
“You know, if I am being honest, I think things with Collin were ending, even without Chanel. It’s like he turned into this person I don’t really know anymore. The future I thought we were building was suddenly looking a lot different, and it wasn’t really one I was sure I wanted to be a part of.”
“You know that’s okay, right?” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders.
“No, Kenz, I’m serious. It’s okay for you to change directions. To not settle for someone who won’t make your dreams come true. You deserve happy. Real happy. Not someone else’s version of what happy looks like. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, or that you won’t have to work for it; but I am saying you don’t have to stick with something that isn’t giving you what you want.”
She’s right. I know she is.
“I think I would do so much better with everything if they weren’t just hanging around everywhere I go. I want to just move forward. Sometimes it’s really hard figuring out what comes next when my past just keeps popping up just to knock me down when I’m not looking.”
“Yeah, well, Chanel’s a bitch. She’s one of those women who get the entirety of their self-worth from making other people feel bad about themselves and whose arm they a
re hanging off of.” She downs a big gulp of her pink drink. “It’s sad when you think about it.”
“It would be more sad if she wasn’t directing all her nonsense toward me,” I retort.
“Word.”
“Oh my god, Clara, you have to be the last person on earth who is still saying that.” I laugh.
“Just be glad I didn’t say word to your mother.” She says it so matter-of-factly before she burst into laughter. Of course, I follow right behind her.
Just then, I hear John Mayer coming out of her purse.
“Is that ‘Gravity?’” I ask as she digs around in her bag for her phone.
“Yep! You said you wanted different ringtones,” she explains.
“Yeah, but John Mayer?”
Clara stops digging and stares right at me as “Gravity” keeps coming from her bag. “Do. Not. Dis. John. Mayer.”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, John Mayer’s great.” Clara side-eyes me. “I’m serious. ‘Slow Dancing in a Burning Room’ is a musical masterpiece.”
Clara narrows her eyes some more. “You’re poking fun, aren’t you?”
“Just a tad,” I say as I pinch my fingers close together as she finally pulls the phone out of her bag and silences it. “You could have answered it, you know,” I tell her.
“I know, but tonight is all about us.” She smiles. “Well, us and cheese,” she says as she picks up another piece of bread and dives in.
CHAPTER FOUR
“I TRY” BY MACY GRAY
I really love my major, I swear I do, but lately, not so much. It’s weird that I feel that way now, when the countdown to completion is almost up. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I saved the classes I was least excited about for this last semester and now I am stuck reading and writing about literature I just don’t like. I never realized how much longer the research takes and how long it takes to read something when you legitimately don’t like the subject.
