“You do know water is conductive, right?” he asks, terrified.
“Aye!” she shouts back, loud above a roll of thunder. “But dun’ ye feel alive?”
“I’d like to stay that way!”
She laughs, and it sounds like water lullabies, and Theo breathes a little, but the sky flares again and Theo screams. “Okay, okay, staying alive,” she mock-sighs, pulling him back to the shore. And then they’re running for their clothes and shivering and laughing so hard that they cannot rightly tell where one starts and the other one begins.
* * *
The storm crashes behind them, overhead, and possibly below, for it feels as though the whole world shakes with it.
Inside—in Bran’s tiny flat above the village store—Theodora thinks about his mother once upon a seastorm, and how she chose to stay. How she moved them south for opportunities and loved him in whatever skin he chose.
He thinks of stories, and of seals, and how nobody ever really knows who they are or who they might be. And he’s still not sure what dad should look like, how he’ll manage, whether everyone is right and a seal-boy who’s with child will ruin everything. But maybe that’s just life.
He thinks of the woman on the train, how sometimes a given skin can give you warmth and courage until you’re okay with your own.
“Here.” The blue-haired girl chucks him a dressing gown, lays their clothes out by the fire to dry.
And Theo settles, staring from her tiny window out across the shore, as he writes another letter:
Dear Mum,
I stood on the shore today and watched the waves. Just watched. And I missed you. I want to stand up here together one day, all three of us, you and me and baby. And I want this child to know the seals by markings and by name.
I love you. And I don’t know how you did it just the two of us and I just—
I will see you soon.
I love you.
Theodora
He’ll probably go home soon, but for now—just for a while—he wants to get to know a blue-haired girl and spend some time wild as a seal.
He sighs, content, one hand wrapped around his stomach as he thinks about the thousand thousand things that their futures might be.
* * *
Once upon a storm, a boy—still a boy, whatever else—sat and watched the roiling sea and listened to it call his name (a lullaby, a summoning) and made a conscious choice to stay.
* * *
THE EDITOR
Saundra Mitchell (she/they) has been a phone psychic, a car salesperson, a denture-deliverer, and a layout waxer. She’s dodged trains, endured basic training, and hitchhiked from Montana to California. The author of twenty books for tweens and teens, Mitchell’s work includes Shadowed Summer, All the Things We Do in the Dark, the nonfiction They Did What!? series, and two other anthologies for teens, Defy the Dark and All Out. She always picks truth; dares are too easy.
THE AUTHORS
Fox Benwell (he/him) is a YA author, creative writing mentor, and an advocate for diversity. He runs the Trowbridge Young Writers Squad, is the founder of The Variety Shelves, a series of events highlighting diversity in literature. He loves jungles and deserts and the dark, still corners where the stories live, but spends most of his time at his tiny desk in Bath, with his trusty feline sidekick.
Tanya Boteju (she/her) is an English teacher and writer living on unceded territories of the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh First Nations (Vancouver, Canada). Her writing life has mostly consisted of teaching writing for the past sixteen years at York House School, an all-girls independent school in Vancouver, where she has continually been inspired by the brilliant young people in her midst. Her novel, Kings, Queens, and In-Betweens, debuted in 2019. Tanya is grateful for her patient wife, supportive family and friends, committed educators, sassy students, and hot mugs of tea. She hopes to continue contributing to the ever-growing, positive representation of queer folks in literature and to that end, is delighted to be included in this collection of stories.
After studying Spanish and history at a small liberal arts school, Kate Hart (she/her) taught young people their ABCs, wrote grants for grown-ups with disabilities, and now builds tree houses for people of all ages. Her debut YA novel, After the Fall, was published January 2017 by Farrar, Straus & Giroux; she’s also a contributor to the 2018 anthologies Toil and Trouble and Hope Nation. A former contributor to YA Highway and host of the Badass Ladies You Should Know series, Kate also sells woodworking and fiber arts at The Badasserie. She is a citizen of the Chickasaw Nation with Choctaw heritage and lives with her family in Northwest Arkansas.
Kosoko Jackson (he/him) is a vocal champion of diversity in YA literature, the author of YA novels featuring African American queer protagonists, and a sensitivity reader for Big Five Publishers. Professionally, he is a digital media manager for a major nonprofit organization, and a freelance political journalist. He has also recently taken the position as Social Media Manager for Foreshadow: A Serial YA Anthology, through 2019. Occasionally, his personal essays and short stories have been featured on Medium, Thought Catalog, The Advocate, and some literary magazines. When not writing YA novels that champion holistic representation of black queer youth across genres, he can be found obsessing over movies, drinking his (umpteenth) London Fog, or spending far too much time on Twitter. His debut #ownvoices Yesterday Is History, will be published in Spring 2020 by SourceBooks.
Will Kostakis (he/him) lives in Sydney, where he writes books for teens and the adults who like to read about them. In his native Australia, he’s a critically acclaimed and award-winning author, having won the Gold Inky Award and been short-listed for both the Prime Minister’s Literary Award and the CBCA Book of the Year Award for his sophomore novel, The First Third. You can find him on the web at www.willkostakis.com or on Twitter, @willkostakis.
CB Lee (she/her) is a Lambda Literary Award-nominated writer of young adult science fiction and fantasy. Her works include the Sidekick Squad series (Duet Books) and Ben 10 (Boom!). CB loves to write about queer teens, magic, superheroes, and the power of friendship. When not nationally touring as an educator, writer, and activist, CB lives in Los Angeles, where she can neither confirm nor deny being a superhero. You can learn more about her and her adventures as a bisexual disaster at http://cb-lee.com and follow her on Twitter @author_cblee.
Katherine Locke (she/they) lives and writes in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where they are ruled by their feline overlords and their addiction to chai lattes. In addition to contributing to Out Now, they are the author of The Girl with the Red Balloon (2018 Sydney Taylor Honor Book), The Spy with the Red Balloon, a contributor to Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens, and co-editor and contributor to It’s A Whole Spiel: Love, Latkes and Other Jewish Stories. They secretly believe most stories are fairytales-in-disguise. They can be found online at katherinelockebooks.com and on Twitter and Instagram at @bibliogato.
Hillary Monahan (she/her) lives in Massachusetts with her husband, hounds, and four cats. She loves horror, humor, feminism, and makeup. The inspiration for The Hollow Girl came from her Roma-born grandmother. Her YA book Mary: The Summoning hit the New York Times ebook bestseller list, and she is currently working on more dark things.
Candice Montgomery (they/them) is a YA author, teacher, and classical dancer based in Seattle. When they’re not writing, teaching or dancing, you can often find them messing around on Instagram and Twitter. Their debut novel, Home and Away, is a part of the YA launch list of Page Street Publishing.
Mark Oshiro (he/they) is the Hugo finalist (in the Fan Writer category) creator of the online Mark Does Stuff universe (Mark Reads and Mark Watches), where he analyzes book and television series unspoiled. He was the nonfiction editor of Queers Destroy Science Fiction! and the co-editor of Speculative Fiction 2015 with Foz Meadows. He is the President of the Con or Bust Board of Directors. His first novel
, Anger is a Gift, is a YA contemporary about queer friendship, love and fighting police brutality, out now with Tor Teen. When he is not writing, crying on camera about fictional characters, or ruining lives at conventions, he is busy trying to fulfill his lifelong goal: to pet every dog in the world.
Caleb Roehrig (he/him) grew up in Ann Arbor, Michigan, but has also lived in Chicago, Los Angeles, and Helsinki, Finland. His hobbies include eating and sleeping, but he also loves to travel, and has been lucky enough to visit thirty-five different countries. A former actor and television producer, Roehrig has experience on both sides of the camera, with a résumé that includes appearances on film and TV—not to mention seven years in the stranger-than-fiction salt mines of reality television. In the name of earning a paycheck, he has: hung around a frozen cornfield in his underwear, partied with an actual rock star, chatted with a scandal-plagued politician, and been menaced by a disgruntled ostrich.
Meredith Russo (she/her) was born, raised, and lives in Tennessee. She started living as her true self in late 2013 and never looked back. If I Was Your Girl was partially inspired by her experiences as a trans woman. Like her character Amanda, Meredith is a gigantic nerd who spends a lot of her time obsessing over video games and Star Wars.
Eliot Schrefer (he/him) is a New York Times–bestselling author, and has twice been a finalist for the National Book Award. In naming him an Editor’s Choice, the New York Times has called his work “dazzling...big-hearted.” He is also the author of two novels for adults and four other novels for children and young adults. His books have been named to the NPR “best of the year” list, the ALA best fiction list for young adults, and the Chicago Public Library’s “Best of the Best.” His work has also been selected to the Amelia Bloomer List, recognizing best feminist books for young readers, and he has been a finalist for the Walden Award and won the Green Earth Book Award and Sigurd Olson Nature Writing Award. He lives in New York City, where he reviews books for USA TODAY. You can find him at www.eliotschrefer.com, or on Twitter @eliotschrefer.
Tara Sim (she/her) is the author of the Timekeeper trilogy and the upcoming Scavenge the Stars (Disney-Hyperion, 2020) and can typically be found wandering the wilds of the Bay Area, California. When she’s not chasing cats or lurking in bookstores, she writes books about magic, clocks, and explosions. Follow her on Twitter at @eachstaraworld, and check out her website for fun extras at tarasim.com.
Jessica Verdi (she/her) lives in Brooklyn, NY, with her partner and young daughter. A graduate of The New School’s MFA in Writing for Children program, Jess is the author of several contemporary novels for young adults—including And She Was, What You Left Behind, The Summer I Wasn’t Me, and My Life After Now—and a picture book, I’m Not a Girl (co-written with Maddox Lyons). She loves traveling, seltzer, hot sauce, TV, vegetarian soup, flip-flops, and her dogs. Visit her at www.jessicaverdi.com and follow her on Twitter and Instagram @jessverdi.
Amazon bestselling author Julian Winters (he/him) is a former management trainer who lives in the outskirts of Atlanta, Georgia and has been crafting fiction since he was a child, creating communities around his hand-drawn “paper people.” He began writing LGBTQ character-driven stories as a teen. When he isn’t writing or using his sense of humor to entertain his young nephews, Julian enjoys reading, experimental cooking in the kitchen, and watching the only sports he can keep up with: volleyball and soccer. He debuted with a soccer-based novel, Running with Lions, in 2018, followed in 2019 by How to Be Remy Cameron.
Keep reading for an excerpt from All Out, edited by Saundra Mitchell.
Did you enjoy OUT NOW?
Don’t miss...
ALL OUT!
The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens throughout the Age
Featuring original stories from:
Malinda Lo, Mackenzi Lee, Robin Talley, Kody Keplinger, Elliot Wake, Anna-Marie McLemore, Shaun David Hutchinson, Dahlia Adler, Tess Sharpe, Kate Scelsa, Natalie C. Parker, Sara Farizan, Nilah Magruder, Tessa Gratton, Tehlor Kay Mejia, Alex Sanchez, Scott Tracey
All Out
edited by Saundra Mitchell
ROJA
by Anna-Marie McLemore
El Bajío, México, 1870
They all gave him different names. The authorities, who had been trying for months to catch him, called him El Lobo. The Wolf. La Légion called him Le Loup.
His mother, back in Alsace, had christened him with a girl’s name, though he had since forgiven her for that. It was a name he had trusted me with but that I knew never to speak. The sound of it was too much a reminder of when he’d been too young to fight the hands trying to turn him into a proper demoiselle, forbidding him from running outside because young ladies should not do that. His heart had been a boy’s heart, throwing itself against his rib cage with each set of white gloves for mass.
I called him his true name, Léon, the one he’d chosen himself. None of this was strange to me, a boy deciding his own name. The only strange thing was the fact that he knew mine.
No one outside our village called me or anyone else in my family by our real names. They worried that letting our names onto their tongues would leave them sick. The rumors said our hearts were dangerous as a coral snake’s bite. They carried the whisper that the women in my family could murder with nothing but our rage. They pointed to our hair, red as our skin was brown, and insisted el Diablo himself had dyed it with the juice of devil’s berries, to mark us as his.
Abuela had told me our rage was a thing we must tame. Though everyone else feared that our rage might kill them, the lives it more often took were ours. Poison slipped from our hearts and into our blood, she said. The venom spread to our fingers and the ends of our hair.
But even she found a little joy in it. She flaunted it. So we would have enough to eat, she taught me to crush red dye from the beetles that infested the nopales. They were pests, ravaging the cactus pads, but if caught they made a stain so deep red we could sell it. My grandmother even tied tiny woven baskets to the nopales, luring the insects to make nests.
That only added to the rumors. Las Rojas, the grandmother and granddaughter whose hearts blazed so red it showed in their hair, and who made the same color and sold it with stained fingertips. We heard whispers as we passed churches, families drawing back from us, afraid we could kill them with a glare.
Now, as I stood in front of Deputy Oropeza’s polished desk, I wished all the stories were true.
“You want El Lobo released?” Oropeza rested his boots on the smooth-finished wood.
The toes of his boots, long and pointed as a snake’s tongue, narrowed and curved up toward his shins. They had become the fashion of rich men, who now wore them not only for celebrations but in the streets, the forks nipping at anyone who got in their way.
“Tell me you’ve come here as a joke,” he said. “Tell me one of my friends sent you to see if I would be taken in. Was it Calvo?”
His hand flashed through the air. I flinched, thinking he might strike me. But he was halting me from speaking.
“No, don’t tell me,” he said. “It was Acevedo, wasn’t it?” He clapped his hands. “I swear on the gospel, that man stops breathing if he isn’t trying to trick someone.”
If Oropeza attended church, if he worshipped anyone but himself, he’d know better than to swear on la Biblia. But I kept silent.
“How much did he pay you to do this?” Oropeza’s boots thudded on the tile floor. “Because I’ll double it if you help me play my own little trick on him.”
The rage in me shuddered and trembled. It felt like it was flickering off my eyelashes.
“No one sent me,” I said.
The richest men in El Bajío couldn’t have paid me to be here. But I had begged every official who would see me.
Most I found by stopping them in the street. The ones who listened bowed their heads to tell me there was nothing they could
do, not for any Frenchman, least of all El Lobo.
The ones who didn’t want to hear me—Senator Ariel, Governor Quintanar—shoved me to make me move. They backed away from me like I was crafted out of mud, as though if they came too close I might dirty them.
I was not a girl who could ask for things. I was not powder and perfume and lace-trimmed fans. The kind of women who could wheedle favors from wealthy men wore dresses in the purples and deep pinks of cactus fruit. They wore silk and velvet ribbons tied as necklaces. The owners of blue agave farms sent them sapphire and emerald rings.
They were not girls in plain huipils.
But Deputy Oropeza had agreed to see me. Hope had bloomed in the dark space beneath my heart. Yes, he wore the pointed boots of rich men, but he hadn’t gotten into the same competitions the others had, driving one another to have boots made with toes as long as I was tall. Maybe there was reason in him.
“Please,” I said now.
The war had ended. But the hills still lay scorched and barren, and Léon had been captured as an enemy Frenchman. Un francés. And now a blindfold and a bullet waited for him at dusk.
“He didn’t even want to fight with them,” I said. “He deserted.”
The things Léon had seen had driven him to betray his own country. I hated la Légion for what they had done to Léon. He hated them for letting their soldiers loose on this land. They raided villages, throwing women down on the earth floors of their homes, killing the men and keeping locks of their hair as trophies.
And those were only the things he had been willing to tell me, as though I myself had not known families killed or scarred by the French uniform. But he didn’t see the brown of my skin and consider me less than he was. He did not see the red of my hair and decide I was wicked. He saw me as something soft, a girl he did not want to plague with nightmares.
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