by ML Gardner
We had been shooed out of the commons area after dinner, sent to our rooms without explanation. Half the staff had a buzz of excitement about them, and the other half looked nervous. I was grateful, later, when I woke up from a vision undetected. If I had been sitting in the commons for radio time, I would be strapped to a table right now with a bite shoved in my mouth. I had had another one I didn’t understand. So many of them didn’t make sense anymore. I saw a man, hopeless and broken, sitting in a white bathtub about to end his life. The room smelled musty and sour. I recognized the jet black hair and wondered if it was the same man I had seen on his knees several weeks ago. Another man was sitting on the floor near the sink, and, though I tried, I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I woke up from it, and the heavy sadness that filled that bathroom hadn’t disappeared with the sight.
The hallways echoed easily and I heard bustling and unfamiliar voices. I crammed my face into the small window in my door, but couldn’t see anything. A half-hour later, I heard doors unlock one after another down the hall.
Finally, mine was unlocked and David came in. He reached up high to the windowsill for the heart. He handed it to me. “Tonight might be a good time to give this to her,” he said.
I wanted to wait for Christmas morning, but the gleam in his eye made me trust him, and I slipped it into my pocket. We filed into the commons area, and there were chairs arranged in half of the room; like seats in a playhouse with an empty space in front of them. Three tall ugly lamps were spaced three feet apart on the floor, and on the other side stood a dozen people, normal people from the outside, looking very scared and nervous. They were dressed up in Victorian era outfits, huddled together in the corner.
“We don’t bite,” I said as I passed them. I glanced over the crowd of nut jobs and looked back. “Well, most of us don’t,” I said with a smirk.
The women were already there, and I noticed Elizabeth had sat in the last row, an empty seat beside her. I looked to David in question. He nodded with a smile.
I made my way over and slipped into the chair. She smiled sideways at me, and I leaned slightly so our shoulders could touch. She was dressed in hospital pajamas with a small blanket over her lap.
“Cold?” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth.
“No,” she said, smiling to her lap again.
David turned on the ugly lamps instead of the overhead lights. Three orderlies with small mirrors sat behind the lamps in an attempt to make a spotlight effect for the timid group of what I now assumed were carolers. It was a poor job of it, but it redirected some light away from us, and I felt more alone in the dark.
She lifted the blanket without taking her eyes off the carolers, who were starting to arrange themselves up front. In one smooth movement, she flipped one edge of the blanket to cover my leg, leaving her hand on my thigh. I looked around. This was really daring and I was already nervous. The carolers started singing, and all of the sad souls in the room were entranced. The troublemakers, sedated for the event, sat drooling and half-oblivious to what was going on. I felt sorry for them that they would miss this, one way or another. With everyone’s attention on the carolers, I slipped my hand under the blanket and held hers. I waited a fearful minute, and when I realized no one had seen, I relaxed and squeezed her hand. Their voices really were beautiful, the Christmas carols upbeat and happy. I tried to pretend we were anywhere else and leaned over to include Elizabeth in my escape.
“We have just tucked the kids into bed, left them with the nanny and are going for a horse drawn carriage ride,” I whispered. “You’re dressed in blue velvet and silk, and I’m wearing a custom made tuxedo.”
I saw the fabric come up out of the hard wooden chair, up from under and behind and wrap itself around her to form a beautiful dress. I looked at her neck and a string of pearls appeared. Her hair lifted up from her shoulders and piled elegantly on her head. “This is a famous opera house, and we’re sitting in one of those alcoves, high up on the wall. It’s beautiful here. The walls are tall and grand, the woodwork is breathtaking.” I leaned my head close to hers and watched as her eyes lost the dingy room, and she smiled. I imagined her seeing our chairs rise up above everyone else.
The floor where the carolers sung dropped far below us as a heavy, red velvet curtain pulled back on either side of the stage. The beautiful plaster etchings carved themselves as the walls of the opera house rose up around us, and we watched the show in elegance.
“It’s beautiful,” was all she said, and I knew she was there with me. That feeling came over me again, that this perfect time with her was ending, and I glanced at the clock. Forty minutes had passed, so I decided I had better give it to her now, or I might miss the chance. I pulled out the heart from my pocket and slipped it between our hands under the blanket. She felt it with confusion on her face and then looked up at me in astonishment. Peeking under the blanket, her mouth dropped open when she saw the heart in the palm of her hand. A huge tear welled up and spilled over. I was hoping she would like it, but I had no idea it would have this much effect on her. She looked up at me, wordless, although it wasn’t quite the expression I saw in my dream. She turned away slightly and rustled for something under the blanket. When she turned back around, she held out her hand; in it lay another identical heart. I gasped quietly, looked up at her and saw my image of her, smiling. Shining. I took it from her and smiled.
I had seen the heart she was making for me. I realized we were connected on a level that ordinary people wouldn’t ever be able to understand. I tried to clear my throat silently, and my eyes stung from the lump in my throat.
She was still smiling, holding the heart I had made when I looked up.
“I love you.” I was disappointed my voice was so hoarse. I wanted it to be smooth and romantic. I watched her smile and her eyes light up.
“I love you, too,” she whispered.
I should have remembered we weren’t really in our opera house. That what we saw around us really didn’t exist and that we were far from alone. I kissed her without remembering all that, and when I lifted my head, I saw three shocked nurses and two orderlies staring at us. Dread washed through me so deep it made me sick to my stomach, and I immediately apologized to her under my breath.
The game was over.
I waited two days to see the doctor. They were two of the most nerve wracking, stomach twisting days of my life. How the hell are you going to explain this one? I thought. I flipped back and forth from fear to anger. Fear because they had power over my entire life and anger for the same reason. I shouldn’t have to hide how I feel. They should stay out of my business. Elizabeth may be getting worse when away from me, but near me, she was perfect, and they would not recognize that. David walked me to the office. We didn’t speak. His face was sad, though, and I really needed him to reassure me. To tell me everything would be okay and help me see a way out of this. But I didn’t know how to ask, and, even if I had I doubted he would have any words of comfort for me. For the last two months I had worried to the point of sickness that someone would ruin this, and that person had turned out to be me. I shook my head in self-disgust. I had really blown it. Blown it wide open.
I sat across from the doctor. He didn’t look up at me for several minutes, just scribbled on that damn notepad of his. Finally, he raised his head and he looked mad. Personally offended mad.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you and Elizabeth were so close, Simon?”
“We’re not.” I decided to give lying one last shot. “I’m not sure what happened the other night, it just happened.”
“Really?” he said, leaning back and narrowing his eyes at me.
“Really. It gets lonely around here. It could have been anyone.”
“I think you’re lying, Simon. I think that you and Elizabeth have been having a relationship under our noses all this time.”
I stared at him blankly. “You know that’s against the rules, Simon.”
“Why? Why is it against the r
ules if we make each other happy, and we’re better when we’re together?” I demanded. It was out and there was no hiding it. I could at least ask why I had been forced to hide it in the first place.
“It distracts you from your therapy, Simon, and Elizabeth from hers.” He glanced down at the childish crayon chart in front of him. “It really does all make sense now. As your relationship has grown, you both have begun to deteriorate. You’re not good for each other, Simon.”
“That’s not true,” I said through my teeth. I lurched forward and stopped myself at the edge of his desk. “She’s better around me and I never have visions around her.” I realized my voice was almost pleading, and it made me sick to sound so weak in front of someone who loved the power he held.
“But the moment you’re apart, it’s worse than it was before. Every time. You can’t live your entire life by her side, Simon, keeping the other one down.”
“Yes, I can.”
He laughed and it enraged me. My fists were clenched and my heart pounded in my ears. “Don’t laugh at me,” I growled at him.
“You are not thinking realistically, Simon. I tried to warn you to stay away from her. Do you realize that if you had not mixed yourself up with that pitiful girl that you would most likely be free by now? We would have let you go.”
“You’re lying.”
“No, it’s true. She’s holding back your progress, Simon.” He fished through his papers and pulled a file from the stack. He opened it and scanned, reading and then began the blasted scribbling again. He talked to me as he wrote. “I’m afraid I am going to have to have you transferred, Simon.”
“No!” I yelled, my eyes darting from the file to him and back.
“You’ll never progress, and neither will she if you are in the same facility. I’m transferring you to a men’s asylum out of state.” He said it as casually as if he were telling me what was for dinner.
“No, you can’t,” I said, shaking with fear and anger. “I’ll stay away from her. I’ll act like I don’t know her, I’ll never sit by her at meals again, just please.” I realized I was very close to tears. “Don’t transfer me. I’ll do better, I swear,” I begged like a child and tossed aside pride for her. For us.
“I’m sorry, Simon, I have no choice.” He slammed the file shut and stood, signaling the meeting was over.
“I hope the next hospital is able to help you,” he said flatly.
I stared at him in disbelief and then rose slowly. David was in the doorway, staring at the floor. I think he had been there the whole time. That’s why they sent him to walk me here. He’s the only one who could have stopped me from killing the doctor, I thought. I usually had privilege to walk to and from the appointments alone.
He avoided my eyes as I stood and kept his head down. I walked slowly beside him, my mind racing, trying to find a way out of this mess. I stopped and turned around. I should go back in there and try again. Beg more. Promise him anything and everything. I turned back toward my room with a ragged sigh and sniffled. I coughed, trying to hide imminent tears. I felt hard twisting pain in my chest, my heart was being ripped out as I realized everything I had seen of our life outside this place had been a lie. I sat doubled over on the side of my bed, holding my head. Everything was falling apart and I was powerless to stop it. I had changed fate through my actions, and that inadvertently was taking me further away from what I wanted most. My head felt like it was about to explode, and I screamed a muffled growl of frustration. I rarely cried, but I did then, choking back hard sobs that I kept as quiet as I could. David told the others I had a headache and to leave me alone.
I didn’t look at her the next day at breakfast. I sat across from Sobbing Susan, crying all through breakfast as she usually did. My eyes were swollen with dark circles. I only pretended to eat. I could feel her looking at me, and it killed me to keep my head down. But it was easier like this. I would ask David to try to arrange one last meeting in the courtyard. I would say goodbye, for now, and we would set up a meeting place, somewhere out there. After I got out of wherever I was going, and she got out of here. I turned my head away so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at her and watched the bare, icy branches sway in the winter wind. That’s when I got the idea.
David sat on the side of my bed, shaking his head. “You can’t do that, Simon,” he said. “There’s no way.”
“There has to be a way,” I argued. I sat at the head of my bed with my back against the cold gray wall. “There has to be,” I whispered and leaned forward, trying to reason with him. “What if it was you and Loretta, what if everyone found out and you both lost your jobs and your home and had to move, start somewhere new in order to keep her.”
“I have, Simon. Three times. We’ve been here the longest because we’ve been careful.” He shook his head with regret. “She can’t even take my name,” he said quietly.
“Well, what if they found out and said you couldn’t be together anymore. What if they tried to–” I paused trying to look for a parallel. “What if they tried to annul your marriage?”
He turned his head to look at me then. “We were married by a preacher, not by the law.”
“What did you do, David? When they tried to take her from you?” He put his head back and stared at the ceiling, and I knew I had him.
“We left,” he said. “Disappeared.”
“And we don’t have a choice any more than you did.”
He shook his head in dread, and I locked eyes with him, imploring. “You’re the only one who can help us.”
“I don’t know how we’d pull it off, Simon.”
“We just have to, and quickly. The transfer will be delayed because of the holidays, but we still don’t have much time.”
He nodded, deep in thought. “Give me twenty-four hours,” he said finally.
“Thank you,” I exhaled with relief.
He walked to the door and then stopped, speaking softly without turning around. “If you’re right, if it’s the other one telling the doc about you two, I wouldn’t breathe a word of this to Elizabeth,” he said.
“I’m way ahead of you. She won’t know a thing until it’s time to go.” I couldn’t help but smile. He nodded and left, locking the door behind him.
I lay back in my bed and thought my plan through. We would sneak out with David’s help in the middle of the night. By the time they realized we were gone, we’d have a five or six hour jump on them. We could hide in the woods until it was safe to go on to her family’s cabin on the lake. We’d rest there awhile and then take the back roads to cross over into Canada. We’d start a new life there or make our way west, dip back down into the Midwest somewhere. I could hardly sleep from the excitement.
The next night David came to my room again. Sweating profusely, he looked nervous.
“Are you sick?” I asked as he mopped his head with a handkerchief.
“In the head? Or the body? In the head, yes. Very much so. I can’t believe what I just did,” he said, slightly out of breath. He shook his head and then glared at me. “After all this, you better name your first child after me.”
“Consider it done.” I laughed.
“Alright. I broke into the doctor’s office and read your file.”
“You what?”
He pointed to his forehead. “I’m not sweating because it’s hot in here. Anyway, the transfer is set for January second.”
“Okay, how soon can we get out of here?” I asked impatiently.
“I’m still working on that. I needed to know how much time we had first,” he said. We were both quiet for a moment, thinking. I imagined mice trying to escape a maze, frantically looking for the way out. Every thought I had seemed to dead end, so I would back track to the beginning of the maze and start over.
“New Year’s Eve,” David whispered, his eyes lighting up with the idea. “We’ll be short-staffed. That’s the best time,” he decided aloud.
“That’s great.” I grinned. Two days. Just two more days.
“Can you get to our regular clothes in storage? It’ll be freezing out there,” I said.
“I’ll take care of all that. All you need to do is be ready to go when I come for you. Remember, night after next, just before midnight.” The excitement was contagious and he smiled at me. “This is crazy. You do know that, right?”
“Yeah, well, this place can make you nuts.” I smiled and relaxed my back against the wall.
I had to bite my tongue with every other sentence I managed to whisper to Elizabeth. She still thought I was going to be transferred, and she was sad, on the verge of tears all the time. It killed me to leave her in limbo like that, not to be able to reassure her.
“Do you think we’ll have any time together before you leave?” she asked over dinner.
“Maybe.”
“What am I going to do when you leave?” she asked with tears in her eyes.
I had to hold my mouth shut to keep from telling her everything. That this was the last night we would have to worry and whisper. That we were about to run away, in just over twenty-four hours. Our new life awaited us.
“It’ll be all right,” I said, stripping any emotion from my face, but bouncing my leg under the table.
“So that’s it? You’re getting transferred, and I’m stuck here, and you’re okay with that?”
“No, of course not,” I said, keeping my head low. I lifted it up to look around nervously before looking at her. “I told you what I saw. We will be together out there. I just don’t know exactly when.” Another little lie, not to make her feel better this time, but to protect the plan. To keep the other one from knowing. I prayed she wouldn’t throw a fit, let the other one out or do anything that would require sedation or confinement.
“Please, Elizabeth, just stay calm and be patient. I promise it will all work out.”
