by ML Gardner
“I had a nightmare.” She clung onto me, terrified.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of. We’re safe now,” I said. A half lie; we were safe enough, for now. “I’m starting a fire, and I’ll warm us up something to eat, okay?” She nodded, rubbing her face with a deep sigh. She disappeared into the bedroom and returned a moment later with the washing pitcher.
She filled it from a small red hand pump just off the side of the porch, poured it into a black pot and hung it in the fireplace to heat.
“We need to wash,” she said and sat down, trying to comb out her hair with her fingers. Bits of mud and straw fell out as she pulled apart each thick lock. “I need a brush,” she said to herself.
“I need a razor.” I laughed, rubbing my cheek, dark with two days’ growth.
“Look under the cabinet where the wash basin sits,” she said. “I think there’s one there, with soap and cloths.”
“It’ll feel good to be clean again,” I said and found a small basket with everything she mentioned tucked in the back of the tall narrow cabinet. She picked apart tangles as I dug around the bag and pulled out cans of soup and stale sandwiches. When the kettle of water was steaming, she poured it into the pitcher and gave me a peck on the cheek.
“I’m going to wash before dinner.” She lit a candle and carried it with her free hand into the dark bedroom, closing the door behind her. A flash of lightning lit the room, and then deep thunder sent a vibration throughout the cabin. In seconds, rain came down in sheets.
She emerged just as I had finished warming up our food. Long wet tendrils hung over her shoulders, and her shirt wicked away the water, leaving damp patches all over. She took one look at me, pointed and started laughing.
I had taken off most of the layers of clothes as the cabin warmed up, and the wool shirt I had put on in the dark during our escape was obviously meant for Elizabeth. I grinned down at the pink material covered in a rose pattern.
“Hey, it was dark,” I said, looking up at her. She wore David’s gray wool shirt, which came to her knees, and nothing else.
“My pants and dress are drying,” she explained. I swallowed hard and nodded, realizing for the first time how alone and free we were.
“Dinner’s almost ready,” I said, with a nervous throat clearing, avoiding her eyes.
She sat down at the small table, watching my every move. “Thank you, I’m starving.”
I put the soup and barely edible sandwich in front of her and then sat down across the table.
“So I thought we would stay here tonight and then head out after dark tomorrow,” I said and took a bite.
“So soon?” She looked disappointed.
“I don’t think it’s wise to stay too long.”
“I just thought we could stay three or four days. You know, really get rested.”
I shook my head. “I really want to get across the border as soon as we can. Then we can really relax.”
She nodded and bent her head over her plate.
“Hey,” I said.
She raised her eyes to peek at me and then lifted her whole head with a smile. “That’s right. We don’t have to hide anymore.”
“And,” I smiled wider. “I’ll decide when I’m done with my dinner.” She returned the smile, and we ate for several moments in silence. I broke it with a laugh.
“All this time, we’ve had to whisper and peek, and now we’re free to talk, but we can’t think of anything to say.”
She giggled and shrugged her shoulders. “Nice weather we’re having?” She nodded at the front window, now pelted with rain.
“Very funny,” I said. “I told you how I ended up at the hospital. But how did you end up there?” She looked down uncomfortably. “I’m just curious, it won’t change anything,” I said and reached across the table for her hand.
“Well, Daddy didn’t want me to go. He was really angry at my mother for suggesting it. But she was really scared of how bad I was getting.” She hesitated and glanced up at me nervously.
“Go on,” I said, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze.
“Well, the other one would argue with her a lot. It doesn’t like her. She said she was afraid of it. But Daddy understood. He had medicine that helped keep his–” She looked at me again, and took a deep breath. “It kept his other one away.”
I didn’t mean to react, but my spoon stopped midair, and my mouth hung open for a second.
“You mean,” I swallowed and tried to keep my voice even. “Your father has another also?” She cast her eyes down, ashamed, and nodded. “No, Elizabeth, it’s okay. I heard the doctor say it runs in families sometimes. Really, it’s all right.” I tried to sound reassuring. I loved Elizabeth, and it didn’t matter what demons she fought within her. But the thought of a split person, other than her, scared the hell out of me.
She stopped talking, eating, and stared at the table. I looked for some way to continue. “The medicine he takes, why can’t you take that, too? If it helps him, maybe it will help you, too.”
“That’s what my daddy wanted to do. But my mother wouldn’t let him. She said there was a better way to help me, that I would be stuck having to take that medicine every day. So she brought me to the hospital. I thought we were going on a picnic. When we pulled up to the gate, I realized where we were and tried to get out, but she held onto me, and they said the other one came out and fought.”
“We all tried to fight when we first got there. That’s not just you.”
“Well, I knew the other one was out then, because I don’t remember the first few days there.”
I thought back to that first day I saw her being dragged in, flailing and screaming.
“Do you remember seeing me? In the hallway? You passed by me when they brought you in.”
Her brow furrowed in thought and then her face lit up. “I do! I remember seeing you, just for a split-second, leaning against the wall, and I said something to you, but then I blacked out again.”
“You said, ‘Help me’,” I told her quietly.
“I did?”
I nodded and finished my sandwich. She was deep in thought for the rest of dinner, and I hoped I hadn’t put a damper on our first carefree dinner alone.
“Well, I’m done,” I said and pushed my plate a few inches away.
“No, wait.” I pulled it back, took another spoonful of soup and then sat back. “Now I’m done…No, wait.” I took two more bites and Elizabeth laughed.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m deciding for myself when dinner is done.” I grinned wide. “And I’m changing my mind about it as many times as I’d like.” I pushed my bowl away and pulled it back two or three times, and so did she, giggling with me, reveling in the ability to control the smallest aspects of our life. I sat back and smiled at her. “Well, now that I’m really done, I’m going to go wash,” I said.
“I’ll clean this up,” Elizabeth offered, waving her hand at the two bowls.
I refilled the pitcher with hot water from the fireplace and closed the door to the small bedroom.
After lighting five candles huddled on a plate below the mirror, I could make out a round wet patch on the wood floor in front of the washbasin where Elizabeth had bathed. A shock ran through me as I undressed, at the thought and the cold. I heard the clinking and swishing of water as she washed our dishes and I smiled. We were only playing house right now, but soon it would be for real. We would settle down in some small nowhere town and make a real home. Someday adopt children. I smiled wider when I remembered that our first child would have to be named David. I wondered about him for a few minutes and hoped he was unsuspected in helping us escape. He didn’t need the trouble of that. I consoled myself with the sad fact that he and Loretta did know how to disappear and start a new life, if they had to. My skin felt tight from the scrubbing, and I stood at the small mirror with a towel around my waist to shave. I was finishing the last few lengths under my chin when the door opened slowly.
I watched her from the mirror as she took a step inside and then hesitated. Her face was serious, almost troubled. She spoke before I could ask her what was wrong.
“Why me?” she asked quietly.
“What do you mean, why you?” I watched her in the mirror as I finished shaving.
“Why did you pick me? Why do you love me? Of everyone, the circus girl, the girl with the spasms. All the girls you met before, why me?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but closed it quickly. How could I possibly explain the reasons when I didn’t even fully understand them? I had seen that I would love her, so I did. There was never any question. I would sound like an idiot to say that I believed I was born to love her, that the curse of the visions given to me were to better protect her and guide her away from insanity.
“I just…love you,” I said simply with a small shrug. It was a pitiful answer. She smiled at me, and I leaned over to rinse my face and think of something better. When I stood up, she was right behind me, her hands lightly on my back.
“I guess there are no words for it, are there?” she said, looking at me in the mirror, her eyes just over my shoulder. I shook my head. She moved her hands down to my waist, wrapping them slowly around my stomach and laid her head between my shoulder blades.
“I wish I could explain it,” I said, running my hands along her arms in front of me. Her head rose and fell on my back for a few breaths, and then she ran her open hands over my chest, holding my shoulders, planting light kisses across my back. My skin rose up in gooseflesh, and I shivered at the soft kisses and warm breath behind me.
“We’re alone,” she said and something foreign in her voice caught me off guard. I turned around in the circle of her arms, and I could see something different in her eyes, too; a hint of strength or determination. I studied her for a long moment, trying to dissect it. She looked like she was struggling with a decision and then kissed me quickly. I decided she was just nervous, took control of the kiss, and leaned her back slightly. I moved my lips to her face, down her neck and shoulder. She smelled faintly of the flowery soap we had just used. She bit my shoulder, and it took every ounce of self-restraint to hold back and enjoy this. I really wanted to take my time. I pulled her head away from my shoulder with one hand while the other found its way under the baggy gray shirt, sliding along her thigh, over the smooth firm flesh of her bottom and grabbing a handful, pulled her firmly to me.
“Marry me,” I breathed into her hair, kissing her cheek and ear.
“I already have,” she said.
“We’ll make it legal as soon as we can, okay?” I smiled, eyes closed and smelled her one more time. She shook her head as she pulled back to look at me.
“It’s just a piece of paper. What matters is what we think, what we know.” She traced my lips with her finger, and whispered, “What we want. And I want you. Forever.” I kissed her again and impatient hands resumed their wandering. She pulled at the towel and I held her wrist away.
“Not yet,” I begged. She grunted her disapproval, and I distracted her by whispered descriptions of how she felt under my floating hands. She spoke into my shoulder in an odd voice, so softly I barely heard her.
“You know he’s going to leave you.”
My body froze and my eyes popped wide open.
“He’ll get what he wants and then he’ll leave you.”
“What?” I jerked back. She blinked twice and then focused on my face.
“Hmm?” she asked innocently.
“You said something.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“You said I was going to leave after I got what I wanted. What did you mean?”
“I didn’t say anything, Simon.” I took a step back, tightening the towel around my waist.
“Yes, you did. I heard you.” I tried to say more, but it stuck in my throat when I realized what it might have been. Or who. She looked like she were about to cry, and then her face contorted as if she were in pain. She bent over, pulling handfuls of hair and growled, “Noooooo!”
She was still for a moment, doubled over, breathing heavily and then stood up slowly. When she flipped the hair from her face, she looked something between angry and suspicious.
“Elizabeth?” I whispered, taking a step back. I had the feeling she was talking to someone who definitely was not me.
“He said it didn’t matter. He claims he loves you, that your cracked little mind doesn’t matter to him. But I wonder how true that is.” She smiled a tight, frightening smile. “Would it matter, I wonder. If he really saw?” Her voice trailed off and then changed as she whimpered, “Please, no.”
Low and calculated again, she whispered. “Let’s just see.”
A surge of fear ran through me. I realized the other one was talking, and it made my stomach flip and my legs itch to run.
“Why wouldn’t you leave?” Her voice was lower, smooth and calm, talking to me now. “I showed you the way to the cabin. That’s what you wanted.” She glanced to the bed and back at me. “And you’ll use me one more time and disappear.”
“No,” I whispered. My voice gave away my fear. “I would never do that, Elizabeth, I love you. We’re going to Canada together, and we’re going to get married and make a home and adopt babies.”
Lightning flashed and lit the shadows of her face. She looked up at me with a thin smile.
“You’re a liar.”
“No. I won’t leave you. You know that, Elizabeth.”
“What if I want you to?” She took a step towards me, and I took an equal one back. “What if I want you to leave and never look back. What if I used you to get out of that place?” she sneered. Just the thought of that infuriated me.
“Bring Elizabeth back,” I demanded. She lunged at me and I dodged out of the way. She crashed into the washstand and the pitcher fell, smashing into a thousand pieces. She jumped up, yelled again and flew across the room at me. I grabbed her wrists, holding them beside her head and pinned her to the wall.
“Bring her back,” I growled and gave her a hard shake. I stared unafraid, searching for the true Elizabeth in her eyes.
“Not until I know you won’t hurt her,” she hissed back.
I breathed a small sigh of relief and reviewed the mental file cabinet of psychological bullshit I had memorized in six months.
“I know you’re scared. I know that you’re taking a step back and letting the other one protect you. But I love you and I’ll protect you now.”
She stared at me defensively, deciding and then slowly the other one washed from her face. It softened and she dropped her head to my shoulder. I felt her shudder and then start crying. Her knees gave out, and I helped guide her to the floor in a sobbing heap. When she looked up again, I knew it was her.
“I’m so sorry,” she cried, embarrassed and ashamed. “I didn’t ever want you to see that.” I sat beside her and hugged her close, looking for the right words. The storm outside was losing strength, and thunder rumbled low in the distance. I had no idea what to say.
“It was different this time,” she said quietly, wiping her face.
“What do you mean?” I was still unnerved from the whole ordeal and watched her carefully.
“I heard everything. I didn’t just disappear like before. I could see what the other one saw and hear what it heard.”
“Because you’re getting stronger,” I said. “You’re realizing you have more control of your mind than they let you believe.”
She shook her head and reached for my face. “But I couldn’t stop it from saying those awful things to you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “You’re here and that’s what matters. Besides, you don’t believe that stuff,” I said cautiously. “That I used you to get here, and I’m going to leave you? You can’t believe that.” Even though I knew the truth, I needed her to confirm that what I just heard from her lips wasn’t what she believed in her heart.
She dropped her eyes. “I worried about it at first, but–”
“What?” I dropped her hand.
“Well, it crossed my mind. I thought maybe you were picking my mind when you talked about the water, and then when I told you about the lake, it fit just enough, but you had to bring me.”
I held up my hand to stop her, and my mouth hung open for a few seconds in shock. “After all I went through in that hospital for you? All I’ve done and said and risked?” I shook my head, disbelieving.
“I know that’s not the way it is now, Simon.”
“It wasn’t that way ever!” I pushed myself off the floor and took a few steps away. “So the other one wasn’t lying when it said you used me to get out. You came with me, even though you had doubt in your mind. You suspected that I was using you, but it didn’t matter because I was your ticket to freedom.”
“No, Simon.” She held out a hand to me, but I walked away, slamming the door behind me.
I paced for a few moments then crossed my arms, leaning against the cabinet in the dark. I set aside my anger for a moment to reflect on my first meeting with the other one.
“Jesus, that was weird,” I whispered, rubbing my face. Not just weird, but unexpected. Not exactly how I thought our first night together would play out. And, after declaring ourselves married, technically, it was our wedding night. Talk about the worst possible timing, I thought. My mind was still catching up with my emotions. Never before had I burned through so many, so quickly: from heavenly bliss to numbing fear to protectively possessive, fighting Elizabeth for Elizabeth, then anger.
I turned away from the bedroom door with a frown. I sat on the couch in the dark, still clad only in a towel, and listened to what was left of the storm whistle through leafless trees and tap at the window and roof. She came out of the room awhile later and sat on the couch near me and sniffled.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
I looked at her, expressionless. “Do you have any idea how many times I got shocked for you? For us?”
She cringed. “I know,” she whispered.
“And now I find out that you never fully believed me. How I felt about you, the lengths I would go to so we could be together.”
