“It’s called being cautious, Lo. If we stay together, I can’t handle the day that comes when you destroy me. Please leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Meg. I’ll still be here running the garage, president of the club, waiting for you to realize that I am not your ex. I don’t want anyone, but you. You think that I don’t see the way other guys look at you? All of the guys in the club are waiting for me to fuck things up with you so they can be the next in line. I deal with that by knowing that you are mine. They can look and dream all they want about you, but you are mine, no one else’s. As soon as you get over all the shit swirling around in your mind, come find me.” Lo moved to the door and looked back at me. “Nothing to say, babe?”
“What if I get past all my shit and there’s nothing left? Maybe all I am is my past.” I sobbed out. I was full out crying. It felt like my heart was being ripped out and I had no idea how to stop it.
“I don’t believe that. She’s in there, Meg, let her out. I’ll see ya around, babe.”
And then he was gone. I heard his bike crank up and roar out of my driveway and my life.
I dropped to my knees crying. I had the perfect man standing in front of me, demanding to be let in, and I wouldn’t let him in. I knew to be happy, I needed to let him in, but I was so afraid to be hurt.
I laid down on the cold, hardwood floor crying. I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing for things to be different. Wishing I could have met Lo before Hunter, before I was so afraid to let someone in before I lost who I was.
I heard my phone go off in the kitchen, but I ignored it. There was no one I wanted to talk to. All I wanted was to be alone, because that was all I was ever going to be, alone.
I closed my eyes. It didn’t hurt when I wasn’t awake, so I slept.
======
Lo
I pulled up to the clubhouse and turned my bike off. I ran my hands through my hair and looked up at the sky. I had to let her go, I didn’t see another way.
Fuck, I wanted Meg. It felt like I couldn’t breathe without her, but I wasn’t going to make her be with me. Anytime we were separated, she filled her head with doubts and shit, and then I would have to convince her to be with me. She needed to realize on her own she wanted me. I showed her what she could have by being with me, now she just needed to realize she couldn’t breathe without me.
I just hoped it wouldn’t take too long, I felt like I was suffocating without her.
Demon and Rigid had cornered me as soon as I walked into the clubhouse, wanting to know what the fuck was going on. “What the hell did you do?” Demon demanded.
“She fucking saw that god damn pussy all over me and freaked the fuck out.” I ground out. I didn’t want to explain shit to these fuckers. Meg was my problem, not theirs.
“You tell her you told that bitch to get fucking lost?” Rigid asked around a mouthful of the bars Meg had brought. I looked down the bar, one pan was empty, and the other was almost gone. Fucking vultures.
“Yeah, I fucking told her. She didn’t want to hear it. She had her mind made up already.” I slipped down to the last pan and grabbed a slice. Fucking heaven. I swallowed it down in three bites and motioned to Turtle for another beer.
“So, that’s it, you fucking done with her?” Demon asked.
“No, but she needs to get her fucking head right. Every time I’m with her, I have to convince her to not run. I can’t keep doing that shit.”
“So what the fuck are you going to do? Half the guys in the club are ready to hop on their fucking bikes and take over where you left off.” Rigid threw in, knowing he was going to piss me the fuck off.
“Anybody fucking goes near her without me knowing, I will shove their fucking balls down their throat.” I threatened. The only guy who was going to get Meg was going to be me.
“So I repeat, what the fuck are you going to do?” Rigid demanded.
“Fucking wait, but I want one guy watching her at all times. I know we got this shit wrapped up with Big A, but I don’t trust the fucker. He somehow knew about Meg, and we still don’t know how he knew. We either got a fucking rat around here, or he has someone infiltrating our territory. I need to know what he knows and how he found it out.” I explained, concerned that Big A was still watching Meg.
“We’ll set the prospects on her. They can rotate out. You want her to know, or you want them to keep their distance from her?” Demon asked.
“Keep their distance. I don’t want to freak her out even more by worrying with Big A.” I chugged the rest of my beer and slammed it down on the bar.
“You want me to send some company to help relieve that pressure you're feeling right now?” Rigid asked.
“You fucking send anyone to my room that isn’t Meg, and I will fucking end you, brother. The only pussy I want is Meg’s.” I thundered. I was tempted to fucking punch the shit out of Rigid even if he stopped fucking with me.
“Except Meg don’t want you to have her pussy anymore.”
I fisted my right hand, swung at Rigid and connected with his jaw and laid his ass out. I stood over him and lifted him by his collar and got in his face. “I ever hear you talk about Meg’s pussy again, it’s fucking on. Brother or not, I will take you down. Spread the fucking word, anyone who even whispers shit about Meg will find themselves flat on their back with a fucking imprint of my fist on their face. Spread it wide.” I growled and shoved Rigid back on the ground.
“Calm the fuck down, King. Ain’t nobody going to talk shit about Meg. You know fucking Rigid, fucker never knows when to shut his mouth,” Demon said as he poured two shots of tequila and shoved one at me.
I threw it back, feeling the burn all the way down to my stomach, slamming it down on the bar for another. Rigid clamored off the floor and sat back down. “Fucking A, King. You didn’t need to fucking knock me out. I was giving you shit. I ain’t never seen you like this over a chick before.”
I noticed Rigid didn’t call her pussy anymore. Fucker was finally learning. “Like I told you before, brother, Meg is endgame. She is it.”
“Alright, brother, so how the fuck are you going to get her back?” Rigid asked.
I honestly really had no idea what to do to get her back. I showed her everything I could give her. Let her know that she was it for me, and I thought she had gotten that. Then BAM! She fucking flips a fucking switch, and she’s gone. “You got Cyn’s number?” I asked Rigid. The only way I knew to get in with Meg, is to show her I cared. I knew when I left her, she was seconds away from breaking.
“Yeah, why?”
“Meg is going to need someone right now, and as much as I would love to be that person, she won’t let me in. I’m just going to call Cyn and ask her to check up on Meg.”
“Then what?’ Rigid asked as he pulled his phone out and rattled the number off to me.
“I wait for her to come back to me, brother. Just fucking wait.”
======
Chapter 21
Meg
I awoke to a pounding on my front door and a pounding in my head. I took stock of my body, noticing the kink in my neck, a horrible ache in my back, and my left arm numb. Guess that’s what happens when you sleep on the floor all night.
The pounding on the door got louder, and I crawled off the floor.
“Hold your fucking horses!” I yelled at the door. I walked hunched over, rubbing my neck, wiping the drool off my face.
I threw the lock and swung the door open to a pissed off Cyn and Troy.
“I don’t want to hear it, Cyn.’ I glanced at Troy and hissed, ‘Fuck off, Troy.” I was still pissed off at him for ditching me for his latest girlfriend.
“Good to see you too, Meg,” Troy grumbled as he pushed in the door, knocking me to the side.
“Lo called me,” Cyn whispered.
“Why?” I demanded.
“He told me he left you pretty upset and thought that someone should be with you. Are you ok, honey?” Cyn asked worry etched across her face.
<
br /> “I’m fine. It’s over, I told you guys it wouldn’t last long. End of story.” I snipped. I walked into the kitchen and fired up the coffee maker.
“What happened?” Troy asked.
“Lo didn’t want to put up with my shit. He said I kept thinking he was Hunter, making him prove to me each time we were together that he was different. He was right to leave, I’m fucked up and broken.” I filled the filter with coffee grounds and slammed the lid shut. Lo did deserve someone better, he was better off without all my shit.
“Did you keep thinking he was Hunter?” Troy asked.
“I didn’t mean to. I am completely over Hunter, but I am not over what he did to me. He broke me, and I can’t let it go. I will not let someone else in to do the same thing again. Hunter took away my confidence, love, and any semblance of happiness. I don’t know how to get any of it back. I want it back. Lo gave me all of that, but he could very easily rip it away from me.” I divorced Hunter and thought that would make me happy, and it did, to a certain point. For the past five years, I have just been going along with life, never really finding out who I was and what made me happy.
“Meg, I love you with all my heart, and it fucking sucks to watch you going through this, struggling, but it’s about fucking time you wake up and start living. Hunter hurt you, I was there, I saw it all, but it’s over. You took away his power to hurt you, and I know you will never let someone hurt you like that again. Leave Hunter in the past and start a future all your own.” Troy insisted.
“Why do you think Lo is going to hurt you? What has he done for you to doubt him so much?” Cyn asked quietly.
I was pretty sure I was in the middle of an intervention, and the last stop to get off had passed me by, and there was no turning back. “He didn’t do anything, not yet. But he will, it’s the only way it can go.”
“Do you ever think that you could hurt Lo just as easily as him hurting you?” Troy grabbed three cups and grabbed the creamer from the fridge.
Me, hurt Lo? No fucking way. “I could never hurt Lo. I’m doing him a favor by not dating him, not hurting him. He should be relieved we are over.” I stressed, annoyed that they were concerned about Lo getting hurt.
“Well honey, the Lo I talked to did not sound relieved to be done with you.” Cyn filled her cup after the coffeemaker beeped and sat down at the kitchen table.
“He’ll be fine. I saw all the girls hanging out at the club, he probably had someone in his bed last night after he left.” I turned away and braced my arms on the countertop, hanging my head, knowing the tears were about to come. God that fucking hurt, thinking about Lo with other women.
Troy grabbed me around the waist and spun me around. “I can see you’re hurting Meg, he didn’t want to let you go, you made him let you go.”
“I ended it before he could! I’m not going to be hurt again!” I screamed.
“You’re not hurt right now, Meg? You normally scream at us when you’re happy?” Cyn said calmly.
“Fine, I fucked up! I pushed Lo away. I made him pay for things he didn’t do. He’s gone, and he won’t come back.” I said defeated.
“You were put in a cage for the twelve years you were married, and then you divorced his sorry ass, but you’re still in that cage, the cage he put you in. It’s like you think you don’t deserve to get out and live. The door to the cage is wide fucking open, but you won’t step out. We all know who you are and how fucking awesome you are, you just need to see it now. Lo made you happy, why do you think you don’t deserve that happiness?” Troy demanded.
“I want to be happy, Troy. I really do, but I’m so afraid to be hurt.” I pleaded.
“Everyone is afraid to be hurt, Meg. Look at me, my Asshat of a fiancé cheated on me. That fucking hurt, but I’m still here. Still living, learning how to be happy without him, and knowing that I am better off without him.” Cyn quaked, tears streaming down her face.
I walked out of Troy’s arms and pulled Cyn out of her chair. Cyn had been hurt, and it wasn’t self-inflicted. I created my own hurt by not believing in Lo. “I’m sorry, Cyn, you must think I’m a fucking idiot, but I don’t know how to fix me.”
“You don’t need to do it all yourself. Troy and I are here, we want to help. You need to get your head on straight, Meg, figure out who you are. What makes you happy, sad, and pissed off or whatever! Troy and I both know who you are, but you don’t. You are worth it, Meg.” Cyn sobbed into my shoulder.
We both clung to each other, crying and sobbing. We were both hot fucking messes.
“All right, all right. Enough of the fucking crying. I’ll drive to the clubhouse.” Troy threw back the rest of his coffee and slammed his cup on the counter.
Troy was my best friend and could totally dole out some good advice, but apparently, he drew the line at girly crying.
“No,” I state, wiping my eyes.
“What the fuck do you mean no? I thought we drilled it into your head that you are worth it and you deserved to be happy and blah blah blah. Let’s go.” Troy ranted, clearly done with the situation.
“I heard everything you guys said, but I don’t believe it.” Troy rolled his eyes and threw his arms up in the air and stalked to the living room.
“Meg.” Cyn gulped, as she grabbed a paper towel and dried her eyes.
“I don’t believe it yet. I’m not going back to Lo broken.” I stated. I needed to figure out who I was without Hunter. I knew we hadn’t been together for years, but after we had divorced, I stayed in the same house, kept the same routine, and changed nothing except Hunter wasn’t there anymore. Lo thought I was worth it, so did Cyn and Troy. But I didn’t. “I can’t be with someone and want them to believe I am worth it when I don’t think I am. I need to find me.”
“Finally!” Troy shouted from the living room.
“Stuff it, Troy. I’m still pissed at you for ditching me.” I pouted as I filled my cup and sat down next to Cyn.
Troy walked back to the kitchen and refilled his cup he had set down. “I didn’t ditch you. I am entitled to have a life.”
“You can have a life and still be friends with Meg.” Cyn chided.
“I know. I took your fucking advice by the way.” Troy mumbled.
“What advice?” I asked, not sure what Troy was talking about.
“I didn’t take Tiff to that fancy restaurant. I took her to The Roadhouse and then back to my house for a fire.”
“How did that go?” I asked.
“Dinner was ok, but after I had got the fire started, she got up to go to the bathroom and tripped over a log I had laid by the fire pit, and she twisted her ankle. I ended up taking her to the E.R. because it swelled like a fucking watermelon.” Troy sulked.
Cyn and I burst out into giggles. “Is she ok?” I choked out.
“I don’t know. I took her to the E.R. and then she called one of her friends to pick her up. She told me I could go home. I tried calling her today, but she isn’t answering.”
“Oh, Troy. I’m sorry, honey. We sure are a rag tag bunch. Cyn gets cheated on, I fuck things up, and you broke your date.” Cyn burst out laughing, spitting her coffee out.
“Fuck off,” Troy grumbled.
I looked at my two best friends and realized things were going to be fine. They see something in me, just like I see their awesomeness in them. Now it was time for me to see how awesome I was then I would go find Lo, and beg him to take me back.
Hopefully.
======
Chapter 22
Meg
“Pontoon time!” Cyn yelled as she walked through the front door and threw her beach bag on the couch.
It was Remy’s birthday. He had decided he wanted to head out to the lake with some friends, so I invited Cyn and Troy to help chaperone and help me not freak out about the fact I had a seventeen-year-old son now.
Yowzers! That made me feel old.
It had been a week since Lo had walked out of my living room, possibly my life if I didn’t get my he
ad together.
I saw quite a few guys from the club around, but I never saw Lo. I found it odd that I was seeing them around so much but didn’t really think too much about it.
I missed Lo so much. Cyn and Troy were awesome, helping me to figure shit out, but fuck did I miss Lo.
Every day, I figured out more and more who I was.
I loved to cook and bake. I loved my son more than anything. I loved my friends. Just looking at my dog made me smile and realize I loved the shit out of Blue. Music made me happy.
All those things and more were the things that made me who I was. I loved all those things, and I was learning to love myself. Hopefully, Lo would be added to the list of stuff I loved, and, therefore, he would be part of who I am.
“Mom, Troy’s here. The guys and I are going to ride with him.” Remy stood in my bedroom door, looking like a grown up and my heart clenched a little at the thought that my baby was growing up.
“Ok, honey. You guys get the pontoon from Grandpa’s, and Cyn and I will meet you at the dock.” I shoved two extra towels into my tote and slung it over my shoulder.
“Thanks, mom, see you there,” Remy said as he booked it out the door and climbed into Troy’s truck.
“You look like you’re going to cry, Meg. Tough day?” Cyn asked as she pulled out a six pack of wine coolers from her bag and stuck them into the cooler.
“I am actually fucking good. My son is becoming a man, I’m spending the day with two of my favorite people, and I can honestly say that I am happy.” I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye and laughed. “I’m kind of new to this happy stuff, but I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to cry.” I joked with Cyn.
“All that’s missing is Lo.” Cyn said as she slammed the lid of the cooler down. “I talked to him today.”
I was half mad that Cyn was reporting to him about me and half jealous that she got to talk to him. “How is he?”
Devil’s Knights MC Box Set 1 Page 15
