Miss Mary Is Scary!

by Dan Gutman

  My Weird School Daze #10

  Miss Mary Is Scary!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by

  Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1 A Ghost in the Bathroom

  2 The New Student Teacher

  3 Miss Mary Is Weird

  4 Bog Snorkeling and Cheese Rolling

  5 Learning More About England

  6 Vampires Are Cute

  7 I Love Dirt

  8 Zack’s Big Nose

  9 Cantaloupe

  10 Talking Turkey

  11 Halloween

  12 A Bathroom Emergency

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  A Ghost in the Bathroom

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  It was a couple of weeks before Halloween, which is the coolest holiday of the year. We get to wear our costumes to school on Halloween and have a big candy party. At the end of the day we parade around the block with all the parents watching. Marching in a parade is way better than watching a parade, because you don’t have to stand in one place for a million hundred hours.

  “Hang up your coats in the cloakroom,” said my teacher, Mr. Granite, who is from another planet.

  What a weird name for a room: “cloakroom.” Who wears a cloak? I don’t even know what a cloak is.

  After we finished circle time and Word of the Day, Mr. Granite told us to take out our math books and turn to page twenty-three.

  “Can I go to the bathroom?” I asked.

  “Do you really need to, A.J.?” said Mr. Granite.

  “Yes!”

  I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I go to the bathroom even though I don’t have to. Like when Mr. Granite is teaching math. I hate math. Math is the perfect time to go to the bathroom.

  “Arlo doesn’t need to go to the bathroom,” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.

  “I do too.”

  “Do not.”

  We went back and forth like that for a while. But the teachers have to let you go to the bathroom. It’s a law. If they don’t let you go to the bathroom, they have to go to jail.

  “Go ahead, A.J.,” Mr. Granite grumbled.

  “The boys’ bathroom is haunted, y’know,” whispered my friend Ryan. “I heard there’s a ghost in there.”

  “Yeah, watch out for that ghost,” said my friend Michael. “He eats kids for lunch.”

  That’s ridiculous. There’s no such thing as a ghost. And even if there were ghosts, they wouldn’t go to the bathroom. They don’t have to.

  Even if ghosts did have to go to the bathroom, they wouldn’t haunt one. Ghosts haunt graveyards, basements, and old houses of people who died. Not bathrooms. Everybody knows that. I’m not afraid of ghosts.

  Still, I was going to be careful, just to be on the safe side. I walked down the hall and pushed open the door to the bathroom.*

  “Anybody in here?” I asked.

  Nobody answered.

  I sat down in one of the stalls. There was nothing to do, but it was better than learning math.

  That’s when something really weird happened. The toilet in the stall next to me flushed.

  “Who’s in there?” I asked, alarmed.

  Nobody answered.

  I peeked under the stall to see who was in there.

  Nobody.

  “Are you a…ghost?” I asked.

  The ghost didn’t answer. Maybe it was invisible.

  I picked up the extra roll of toilet paper in case I had to hit the invisible ghost over the head with it.

  That’s when something even weirder happened. The toilet on the other side of me flushed!

  “Who is that?” I demanded.

  Nobody answered.

  I peeked under the stall.

  Nobody was there.

  This was really weird! Maybe there were two invisible ghosts! And they had me surrounded! I was scared. I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins.

  But that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The toilet I was sitting on suddenly flushed!

  “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

  I got up and ran out of the stall. Then I ran past the sinks, and they turned on! Then I ran past the hand dryer, and it turned on!

  “Help!” I screamed as I ran out the door. “There are ghosts in there!”

  I ran back to class and shouted, “There are ghosts in the bathroom! Help!”

  “Calm down, A.J.,” Mr. Granite told me. “What happened?”

  “I was in the stall,” I explained, “and the toilet on my left flushed all by itself! And then the toilet on my right flushed all by itself! And then the toilet I was sitting on flushed all by itself! And the sinks and hand dryer turned on too! But nobody was there! It must be ghosts! The bathroom is haunted! Run for your lives!”

  Everybody started freaking out, yelling, screaming, and crying.

  That’s when our custodian, Miss Lazar, came in.

  “There are no ghosts in the bathroom,” Miss Lazar said. “I recently installed automatic sinks, hand dryers, and toilets to save water and electricity. I was just testing them out to see if they work.”

  Oh.

  Well, maybe there aren’t any ghosts in the bathroom after all. But I’m not going in there again for the rest of my life.

  2

  The New Student Teacher

  Mr. Granite told us that it was his idea to install the new water-saving toilets.

  “Every time you flush a toilet,” he said, “you use up to 5 gallons of water. So five flushes in a day would be…five times five—25 gallons of water a day…”

  Mr. Granite loves math.

  “…and that adds up to 175 gallons a week,” Mr. Granite continued. “And 9,100 gallons a year. And do you know how many gallons of water you will flush down the toilet in your lifetime?”

  He didn’t have the chance to answer the question, because at that moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The door opened.

  Well, that’s not the weird part because doors open all the time. But you’ll never believe who walked into the door.

  Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway.

  It was our principal, Mr. Klutz!

  He has no hair at all. I think Mr. Klutz used to have hair, but it fell out a long time ago. That’s what happens when men get old.

  He held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”

  “I have big news!” he told us.

  “Mr. Klutz has a big nose,” I whispered to Ryan, who sits next to me.

  “What is it?” asked Andrea’s crybaby friend, Emily.

  “You’re going to get a student teacher!” Mr. Klutz announced. “Isn’t that exciting?”

  “Yes!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  Wait a minute. Student teacher? That doesn’t make any sense.

  “How can a student be a teacher?” I asked. “Or a teacher be a student? A person can either be a student or a teacher, but not both.”

  “A student teacher is somebody who’s learning how to be a teacher, dumbhead,” said Andrea.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “So is your face,” I told Andrea.

  Any time somebody says something mean to you and you can’t think of what to say, just say, “So is your face.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “What is our student teacher’s name?” Andrea asked. “When will we m
eet her?”

  “Right now!” Mr. Klutz said. “Come on in here, Mary. Don’t be shy. Kids, this is your new student teacher, Miss Mary.”

  A lady came in. She looked weird. She had black hair, black clothes, black eye makeup, and a tattoo of a black bat on her arm. There was a purple streak in her hair. She had holes in her pants and earbuds in her ears. She was chewing gum and bobbing her head up and down to the music.

  Mr. Granite didn’t look very happy when he saw Miss Mary.

  “Yo,” she said as she took out one of her earbuds. “What up?”

  “Yo,” we all replied.

  “Miss Mary is going to be a great teacher,” Mr. Klutz told us. “Do you know how I know she’ll be so good?”

  “How?” we all asked.

  “Because,” Mr. Klutz said as he put his arm around her, “Mary is my daughter.”

  WHAT?!

  3

  Miss Mary Is Weird

  Mr. Klutz has a daughter? I knew he was married to a lady named Mrs. Klutz. But I didn’t know they had kids.

  Mr. Klutz told us that a long time ago, before he was married to Mrs. Klutz, he was married to some other lady in England and they had a baby. So Miss Mary grew up in England and came to America for a year to do her student teaching.

  “Isn’t she lovely?” he said.

  “Yes!” we all lied. Nobody wanted to tell Mr. Klutz that his daughter looked weird.

  “Well, I have to go to a meeting,” Mr. Klutz said. “Mary, I’m so glad you decided to become a teacher and help educate the youth of America so they can pursue their hopes and dreams.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” said Miss Mary.

  “I’ll stop back in a little while to see how you’re making out,” Mr. Klutz said before he left.

  Ugh, disgusting! Mr. Klutz said “making out”!

  Mr. Granite had a frowny face. He looked like he didn’t want to have a student teacher.

  “So, Miss Mary,” he said, “what made you decide to become a teacher?”

  “Well, it’s like, the kids, y’know,” she said. “They’re so, I don’t know. Kidlike. You know? Yeah, and when you’re a teacher, you get the summer off, right? That’s cool.”

  People from England talk funny. Miss Mary sounded like she should be in a Harry Potter movie.

  “Yes, I do get the summer off,” Mr. Granite said. “But most people become teachers for other reasons, like…”

  He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence because suddenly loud music started playing. Everybody looked around to see where it was coming from.

  “Hang on,” Miss Mary said. “It’s my bloody cell phone.”

  “Your cell phone is covered with blood?” I asked.

  “I gotta take this,” Mary said. “It’s my boyfriend, Zack.”

  Mr. Granite looked mad. Cell phones aren’t allowed in school. But I guess he couldn’t do anything about it, because Miss Mary is Mr. Klutz’s daughter.

  “Yo! What up, dude?” Miss Mary said into the phone. “I’m at Daddy’s school…. I miss you, too, Zack…. Okay, gotta go…. Later.”

  “Are you quite finished?” asked Mr. Granite. “I’d like to do our math lesson.”

  “Yeah,” Miss Mary said. “Zack is back home in England. He says he’s coming over here even though his parents don’t like me.”

  “Gee, I wonder why,” Mr. Granite said. “Okay, open your math books to page twenty-three, shall we?”

  We all opened our math books.

  “Zack is in an awesome band called Fish Food,” Miss Mary said. “They totally rock.”

  “Music is my favorite thing!” said Andrea. “I love the Jonas Brothers.”

  “Me too!” said Emily, who loves everything that Andrea loves.

  “Zack is into heavy metal,” said Miss Mary.

  “He wears a suit of armor?” I asked.

  “Heavy metal is a kind of music, dumbhead,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes.

  “I knew that,” I lied.

  “Zack is a genius,” Miss Mary said. “He’ll be famous someday. We want to get married. But Daddy won’t let us. He says Zack can’t earn a living by playing music.”

  Mr. Granite’s face was all red. He doesn’t like it when we get off task. But it didn’t matter, because that’s when something really weird happened.

  A guy climbed in the window!

  Everybody was freaking out. The guy was dressed all in black, just like Mary.

  “Zack!” yelled Miss Mary.

  “Mary!” yelled Zack.

  “I thought you called from England!” Miss Mary said.

  “No, I was right around the corner,” said Zack.

  “I love you!”

  “I love you, too!”

  Ugh. They said the L word! Miss Mary and Zack started smooching. I thought I was gonna throw up.

  “Isn’t it romantic?” said Andrea. “Zack and Miss Mary are in love, but their parents won’t let them be together. It’s just like Romeo and Juliet!”

  “This is strictly against school rules,” Mr. Granite said.

  “Please don’t tell Daddy that Zack is here,” Miss Mary begged Mr. Granite. “Please?”

  Suddenly, there was the sound of footsteps outside the door.

  “It’s Mr. Klutz!” Ryan shouted.

  “Hide, Zack!” said Miss Mary.

  “Where?” asked Zack.

  “In the cloakroom!” Mr. Granite told him.

  Zack ran into the cloakroom and shut the door. Mr. Klutz came into the room.

  “So,” he said, “how are you making out, Mary?”

  “Ugh, disgusting!” I said.

  “I’m making out just fine, Daddy!” Miss Mary said.

  “Good,” said Mr. Klutz. “I’ll check up on you again later.”

  Whew! That was a close one!

  4

  Bog Snorkeling and Cheese Rolling

  After Mr. Klutz left, Zack came out of the cloakroom.

  “Thanks, dude,” he told Mr. Granite. “If old man Klutz finds out I’m here with Mary, he’ll have me bloody head.”

  “I don’t see any blood on your head,” I told Zack.

  “People in England say the word ‘bloody’ all the time, Arlo,” Andrea told me. “Zack just means that Mr. Klutz will be angry if he finds him here with Miss Mary.”

  That’s sure a weird way to say it.

  “I thought people in England were always saying ‘Chip, chip, cheerio, old chap,’” said Michael. “I saw that in a movie.”

  “Nobody ever says ‘Chip, chip, cheerio,’” said Miss Mary.

  “I guess we have a lot to learn about England,” said Mr. Granite.

  “Does everybody in England dress like you two?” asked Ryan. “Or are those your Halloween costumes?”

  “This is how I always dress,” said Zack. “My favorite color is black.”

  “Mine too,” said Miss Mary. “I love black spiders and insects. They’re my friends. Back home I have a black bat named Roger.”

  Miss Mary is scary.

  “Black isn’t even a color,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “How did your pants get ripped like that?” asked Emily. “Did you get caught climbing a fence?”

  “Oh no. I used a pair of scissors,” said Miss Mary. “Don’t my pants look fierce?”

  “I could darn them for you,” Andrea told her. “I took a sewing class after school last year.”*

  “No thanks,” said Zack and Miss Mary.

  “Maybe you’d like to tell the children a little bit about what life is like in England,” suggested Mr. Granite.

  We all crowded around Miss Mary and Zack.

  “Well, my friends and I really love to go bog snorkeling,” Zack said.

  “Bog snorkeling?” asked Neil. “What’s that?”

  “It’s when you snorkel through a bog,” Zack told us.

  “My friends and I love cheese rolling,” said Miss Mary.

  “Let me guess,” I s
aid. “You roll cheese?”

  “Yes!” said Miss Mary. “It happens on the Spring Bank Holiday. The cheese roller will roll a round cheese down a hill, and we all chase it. The winner is the first person to grab the cheese.”

  “It sounds very dangerous,” said Andrea.

  “Oh, it is,” said Miss Mary. “One time I got a bloody nose.”

  “But your nose wasn’t really bloody, right?” I asked. “You just say the word ‘bloody’ all the time.”

  “No, my nose really was bloody,” Miss Mary said.

  “Of course it was bloody, Arlo!” Andrea told me.

  I guess if it wasn’t bloody, Miss Mary would have just gotten a nose. And that wouldn’t make any sense. You can’t get a nose. Everybody already has a nose.

  I was confused.

  “Hey, I gotta split, man,” said Zack. “I’m working on a new song with my band, Fish Food.”

  “Oooh, what’s the song called?” asked Emily.

  “It’s called ‘I Love Dirt,’” Zack replied.

  What?! Who writes songs about dirt?

  Zack climbed out the window and left.

  People from England are weird.

  5

  Learning More About England

  The next morning Halloween decorations were up in the hallways. I came into class and hung my coat in the cloakroom. Miss Mary was sitting in the back of the class.

  We usually have Word of the Day first thing in the morning, but Mr. Granite said we would skip it so we could do the math lesson we missed the day before.

  “Open your math books to page twenty-three,” Mr. Granite told us. But suddenly he stopped, looked at Miss Mary, and asked, “What are you doing?”

  We all looked at Miss Mary. She was holding her cell phone.

  “I’m texting Zack,” she said. “He just told me ‘I Love Dirt’ is going to be the best song he ever wrote. And he’s dedicating it to me! I can’t wait to hear it.”