by Dan Gutman
“That’s so romantic!” said Andrea.
“Turn off your cell phone in school, please,” said Mr. Granite.
He looked all frustrated. That’s when an announcement came over the loudspeaker.
“Mr. Granite, please come to the office.”
“Another interruption!” he said. “We may never get to math. Miss Mary, will you take over the class while I’m gone?”
He went rushing out of the room. We all looked at Miss Mary.
“So, what do you want to learn?” she asked.
“We don’t want to learn anything,” I told her. “We want to go to recess.”
“It’s not time for recess, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.
“I can teach you how to play cricket,” said Miss Mary.
“You play with crickets?” I said. “That’s disgusting!”
“Cricket is a game, Arlo,” Andrea said, rolling her eyes again. “They play it in England.”
“Your face is a game,” I told her.
“Can you show us where England is on the map?” asked Emily.
“Uh, sure,” Miss Mary said, going to the map on the wall. “Let’s see; where is that bloody country?”
“The country is bloody?” I asked.
Miss Mary looked all over, but she couldn’t find England. And it’s her own country! She’s almost as dumb as the teacher we had last year, Miss Daisy.
“I’ll show you,” said Andrea as she hopped out of her seat and pointed at the map. “It’s right here. England looks a little like a microscope. See?”
“Very good, Andrea!” said Miss Mary.
Little Miss Smarty Pants smiled her know-it-all smile. Why can’t a microscope fall on her head?
“What do people eat in England?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
“I love blood pudding,” said Miss Mary.
“You make pudding out of blood?” I asked.
“Ewwwwww!” everybody went.
“Blood pudding is a kind of sausage,” said Miss Mary.
“You should just call it sausage,” said Michael.
“I also love fish and chips,” Miss Mary said, “and bangers and mash.”
“Bangers?” Neil asked. “What’s a banger?”
“That’s a kind of sausage too,” Miss Mary told us.
“Why don’t you just call sausage ‘sausage’?” I suggested.
“People sure eat a lot of sausage in England,” Andrea said.
“Well, what do you Americans like to eat?” asked Miss Mary.
“I like hot dogs,” said Michael.
“You heat up dogs and eat them?” asked Miss Mary. “How horrid! In England dogs are our pets. We would never eat them.”
“No!” I told her. “We don’t eat dogs here either! A hot dog is sort of like…a sausage.”
“Then why don’t you call it a sausage?” asked Miss Mary.
“Beats me,” I said.
“I guess everybody likes sausage,” said Ryan, “but nobody wants to call it sausage.”
“Say, can I tell you kids a secret?” asked Miss Mary.
“Yeah!” we all shouted.
“We love secrets,” Andrea said.
“Promise you won’t tell?” asked Miss Mary.
“We promise.”
“I don’t really want to be a teacher,” Miss Mary whispered. “I want to go on tour with Zack and his band. But don’t tell Daddy. He’ll be so disappointed.”
“We won’t tell,” we all promised.
I couldn’t blame Miss Mary for not wanting to be a teacher. Who would want to go to school for the rest of your life? When I grow up, I’m not going anywhere near a school.
Suddenly, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Zack climbed in the window.
“Zack!”
“Mary!”
They started smooching. Ugh, disgusting!
“Can I hear your song ‘I Love Dirt’?” Miss Mary asked.
“Not yet,” Zack replied. “It’s not finished.”
“But I want to hear it now!”
“Soon, sweetie. Soon.”
“Boo hoo!”
Miss Mary started crying. Her black eye makeup was running down her face.
Suddenly, there were footsteps in the hall.
“It might be Mr. Klutz!” yelled Neil the nude kid.
“Hide, Zack!” Ryan shouted.
“Where?”
“In the bloody cloakroom!” said Michael.
“There’s blood in the cloakroom?” I asked.
Zack ran into the cloakroom.
As it turned out, the footsteps weren’t Mr. Klutz’s at all. It was Mr. Granite, back from the office.
“You can come out, Zack,” Miss Mary said.
Zack came out of the cloakroom.
“What are you doing here again?” Mr. Granite asked.
“I was worried about Mary,” Zack told him. “She wasn’t answering her cell phone.”
“He made me turn it off,” Mary explained.
“I’m glad you’re okay. Look, I gotta get back to work,” Zack said. “The song is almost done.”
“Maybe now I can finally teach some math around here,” said Mr. Granite.
“Bye, Zack!” said Miss Mary.
“Later,” Zack said as he climbed out the window.
“So, what did you learn while I was gone?” Mr. Granite asked us.
“We learned that in England they play with crickets,” I told him, “and they make pudding out of blood.”
6
Vampires Are Cute
Mr. Granite didn’t have the chance to teach his math lesson, because it was time for lunch. We walked single file to the vomitorium. Neil the nude kid was the line leader.
I sat with the guys, and we were talking about Halloween. We were all going as superheroes. I would be Batman. Ryan would be Superman. Michael would be Spider-Man. Neil would be the Invisible Man.
“Who do you think would win in a fight?” Michael asked. “Superman or Batman?”
“Superman would win,” said Ryan. “He could burn Batman up with his heat vision in a second.”
“No way,” I told him. “Batman would pull out a little mirror, and the heat vision would bounce back and burn Superman alive.”
“Superman is invulnerable to heat,” Ryan told me.
“Not if it comes from his own eyes,” I insisted. “It would kill him.”
“Would not.”
“Would too.”
We went back and forth like that for a while. Andrea and her girly friends were at the next table, listening to our important discussion.
“Boys are dumbheads,” said Andrea.
“Oh, yeah?” I said. “What are you dressing up as for Halloween? Beach Blanket Barbie?”
“No,” Andrea replied. “I’m going as Steven Spielberg.”
What?!
“Who’s Steven Spielberg?” asked Neil the nude kid.
“He’s a famous movie director,” Andrea told us. “I take a moviemaking class after school. My parents even let me use their video camera so I can make my own movies. We’re going to put them on YouTube.”
“You should make a movie about Miss Mary,” said Michael. “It could be a horror movie.”
“Yeah,” Neil said. “She looks like a vampire.”
“Maybe she really is a vampire,” I whispered to everybody. “Did you ever think of that? She dresses all in black. She wears black makeup. She’s got a pet bat. She even eats blood pudding!”
“Wow!” said Ryan. “I think you might be right, A.J.!”
“Stop trying to scare Emily,” Andrea told me.
“I’m scared,” said Emily, looking all worried.
“Miss Mary probably lives in a cave and sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling,” I said. “Then she goes out at night and bites people on the neck and drinks their blood.”
“We’ve got to do something!” Emily yelled, and then she went
running out of the room.
Sheesh, get a grip! That girl is such a crybaby.
“I like vampires,” Andrea said. “I saw this movie about a vampire. He was really handsome, and all the girls fell in love with him. He looked a little like Zack.”
“Why would girls fall in love with a guy who bites them on the neck and drinks their blood?” I asked.
“Because he’s cute!” Andrea said. “Like Zack.”
“You think Zack is cute?” I snorted.
“Arlo, I think you’re jealous!” said Andrea, all smiley.
My face started to feel warm.
“I am not jealous!” I told her. “If you ask me, Zack looks more like a zombie than a vampire anyway.”
“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is jealous because Andrea thinks Zack is cute. He must be in love with her!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
7
I Love Dirt
The next day, first thing in the morning, we had show-and-tell. I brought in some of my Matchbox cars. Ryan brought in a model plane he built from a kit. Andrea brought in her parents’ video camera that she uses to shoot movies.
“Okay,” Mr. Granite said after show-and-tell was over. Now we can finally get to our math lesson. Turn to page twenty-three.”
But we didn’t get to our math lesson. Because at that moment, guess who climbed in the window?
“Zack!” shouted Mary.
“Mary!” shouted Zack.
“Not again!” shouted Mr. Granite. “Don’t you ever use the door?”
“I love you!”
“I love you, too!”
Zack and Miss Mary started smooching, like always. Ugh, disgusting!
“They are so romantic!” said Andrea.
“Hey, I finished writing my song,” Zack told Miss Mary. “Do you want to hear it?”
“Perhaps you can sing the song after school is over,” suggested Mr. Granite. “We really need to work on math.”
“I want to hear Zack’s song now!” whined Miss Mary.
“So do we!” all the kids shouted.
“If you don’t let Zack sing his song,” Miss Mary told Mr. Granite, “I’m going to tell Daddy you’re a bad teacher.”
“Sing the song,” Mr. Granite said, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.
“Yay!” everybody cheered.
“Can I film you with my video camera?” Andrea asked Zack.
“Sure!” he replied. Then he started rapping:
“I love dirt! I love dirt!
I love dirt! I love dirt!”
Zack motioned for us to chant with him….
“I love dirt! I love dirt!
I love dirt! I love dirt!”
Then he started rapping:
“Now, some love Ernie,
and some love Bert,
And some love Big Bird;
but I love dirt!”
We all chanted:
“I love dirt! I love dirt!
I love dirt! I love dirt!”
Then Zack started rapping again:
“Now, some love dinner,
and some love dessert,
And some love breakfast;
but I love dirt!”
We all chanted:
“I love dirt! I love dirt!
I love dirt! I love dirt!”
Then Zack started rapping again:
“Now, listen to me,’
cause I’m an expert.
Don’t freak out if you
get it on your shirt.
I rub it on my face,
I love gettin’ dirty,
And I’ll keep doin’ it
until I turn thirty.”
We all chanted:
“I love dirt! I love dirt!
I love dirt! I love dirt!”
Then Zack started rapping again:
“So when I’m dead
and did my last concert,
Throw me in a hole
and cover it with dirt.”
We all chanted:
“I love dirt! I love dirt!
I love dirt! I love dirt!”
Then Zack started rapping again:
“It doesn’t hurt—I love dirt!
I’m here to assert—I love dirt!
I gotta blurt—I love dirt!
Don’t mean to be curt—I love dirt!
I’m issuing an all points alert—
I love dirt!”
Zack took a bow. We all cheered and clapped.
“That song is awesome!” Miss Mary told Zack.
“I wrote it just for you,” he replied.
“I think I’m going to cry!” said Miss Mary.
“That is so romantic!” Andrea said. “Would it be okay if I put this video up on YouTube?”
“Sure,” said Zack. “That would be cool.”
“Okay, can we get back to math now?” Mr. Granite said.
He told us to open our math books to page twenty-three. But at that moment there were footsteps in the hall.
“It’s Mr. Klutz!” Neil the nude kid yelled.
“Hide, Zack!” Miss Mary shouted.
Zack ran into the cloakroom just before Mr. Klutz walked in the room.
“Is everything okay in here?” he asked. “I thought I heard somebody yelling.”
“Uh, we were singing…‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’” said Mr. Granite.
“That’s odd,” said Mr. Klutz. “I thought I heard something about dirt.”
“A song about dirt?” asked Mr. Granite. “That’s ridiculous! Why would anybody sing about dirt?”
Mr. Klutz was looking at Mr. Granite. Mr. Granite looked at Miss Mary. Miss Mary looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at me.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
“Maybe you’re losing your hearing, Mr. Klutz,” I said. “Hearing is a lot like hair. When men get old, they lose it.”
Then I mouthed a few nonsense words without making any noise.
“What did you say, A.J.?” asked Mr. Klutz.
I mouthed some more nonsense words without making any noise.
“Hmmm,” Mr. Klutz said. “Maybe I am losing my hearing. I didn’t hear a word you said. I’d better go get my ears checked.”
And then he left.
Everybody said I was a genius for convincing Mr. Klutz that he had hearing problems.* Ryan said I should get the No Bell Prize. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.
8
Zack’s Big Nose
The next day was Friday. Mr. Granite didn’t start the morning with Word of the Day like he usually does. We didn’t do show-and-tell. We didn’t even pledge the allegiance. Mr. Granite said he wanted to make sure we had time to work on math.
“Open your math books,” he told us, “and turn to page twenty-three.”
I took my math book out of my desk. Bummer in the summer! We were actually going to have to do math, the most boring subject in the history of the world.
But that’s when Zack climbed in the window.
Yay! No math!
“Zack!” shouted Miss Mary.
“Mary!” shouted Zack.
“Not again!” shouted Mr. Granite as he slammed his math book shut. “Zack, what are you doing here now? Why don’t you save us all some time and go hide in the cloakroom?”
“I love you, Zack!” said Miss Mary.
“I love you, too!” said Zack.
They started smooching, of course. Ugh, disgusting!
“Those two are so romantic!” said Andrea.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your class, Mr. Granite,” Zack said. “But I had to come in. I have big news!”
“Zack has a big nose,” I whispered to Ryan.
“What is it?” we all asked. Mr. Granite sat at his desk. He looked tired.
“Y’know the video that Andrea shot of me singing ‘I Love Dirt’?�
�� Zack said.
“Yes,” said Andrea. “My mom helped me upload it to YouTube after school yesterday.”
“Well, it went viral!” Zack exclaimed.
“It went viral! It went viral! It went viral!” everybody started yelling.
Huh? What the heck does that mean? Going viral doesn’t sound good. I had a virus once, and it made me throw up.
“Did you throw up?” I asked Zack.
“Going viral means that thousands of people saw the video!” Andrea said excitedly.
“Actually,” Zack said, “millions of people saw it. Not only that, but last night I got a call from the producer of Saturday Night Live! He loved ‘I Love Dirt’! He wants to fly me and Fish Food to New York so we can perform it on the show tomorrow night!”
“You’re kidding me!” Miss Mary said, jumping up and down.
