by J. L. Wilder
“Don’t let me force you,” Caleb says, looking into my eyes, searching me. “I couldn’t stand it if it was like that, Jacie. Make sure it’s really what you want, and that I’m not compelling you.”
“You know you can’t compel me, right?” I ask. “Did you forget? I’m not subject to the alpha commands. You don’t have the power to force me to do anything.
Caleb laughs. “That’s true. That does make me feel better. Thanks.”
“I’m doing this because I want to,” I say. “I want to bear your children. I want to help our pack become bigger and stronger. I’m the omega of the Hell’s Bears. This is what I was made to do.”
He rolls over, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me on top of him. “You’re wonderful,” he says. “Do you know that? You’re all any man could ever want.”
In answer, I kiss him, deeply and passionately.
Caleb drifts off to sleep first, but I lie awake for a while, thinking about the future and wondering what it has in store. Will Caleb and I be able to get pregnant? How many cubs will I give birth to? Will I be a good mother to them?
And why is it that the Hell’s Bears tattoo didn’t work on me? Why am I still exempt from the commands of the alpha? I was grateful for it when Dan was in charge of this pack, but I wouldn’t object to being under Caleb’s command. The question of why I’m not makes me feel, for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, deeply uneasy.
With my mind and heart both exceedingly full, I rest my head on Caleb’s shoulder. Whatever the future brings, I know I’m ready for it. I’ve been through so much in the last few months, been tested so thoroughly, that I know I can handle anything now.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
What I love best about sex with Tony is that he takes his time. The passion is no less than it is with Ty, who sets a frenetic pace, but Tony treats the whole thing like a spa experience. We relax into each other.
Of course, that means we can’t go at it in kitchen the way I can with Ty. The risk of being caught would be much too high. We need to find a quiet place, a retreat. Somewhere the others won’t bother us.
Lately, he’s started taking me out into the woods.
It’s one more thing that I thought I would hate, after what happened with Dan; one more thing I never would have expected to be able to stomach. But to my surprise, there’s something about being out in the wild with Tony that appeals to me. My animal side appreciates it. I get what it means, more than I ever have before, to be a bear. The sound of the wind in the trees, the scent of the earth—it all heightens my arousal. It makes me feel more alive.
The sex tonight is slow and relaxing, but powerful. Tony reminds me of a massive ship in the ocean, his movements always gradual but steady. He fits his hand to the tattoo on my shoulder and presses gently. “This is the Hell’s Bears tattoo.”
Another thing I love about sex with Tony is the way he can carry on a conversation. It feels like we might as well have sex all the time without stopping, because it’s not keeping us from doing anything else. “That’s it,” I say, and then I gasp a little as his hips snap against mine and distract me with a little grind.
Tony laughs, a deep and pleasurable sound. “Caleb wants me to get one,” he says. “Me and Ty both. What would you think of that?”
Somehow, just the question is suggestive. “You—you should do whatever you want,” I stammer out. I’m never going to master Tony’s art of making any words at all sound sensual. He could offer me a tuna fish sandwich and my knees would go weak.
“We’d be part of the pack,” he murmurs, trailing kisses along my collarbone. “We’d be around for the long haul. You wouldn’t ever be able to get rid of us. Is that okay with you?”
“I like having you around...” I squirm against him, wishing I could think of something witty to say, wishing I could hold my own in this conversation. I don’t have a prayer. Both physically and intellectually, I am putty in his hands. “But do you really feel like you could join a pack? Have you ever been part of one before?”
“I was born in a pack.” He laughs easily, rolls us over so I’m on top, and runs his hands down my sides to rest on my hips. He lifts me up and pulls me down, setting an easy rhythm that feels so good it leaves me struggling to catch my breath.
“But since then?” I persist, fighting to keep my mind present, to keep from floating away on waves of pleasure.
“Since then I’ve been rogue,” he admits.
“I don’t think this tattoo...always works,” I tell him. “Mine doesn’t. I’m not bound to Caleb. At least, not as an alpha.” I’m definitely bound to him by the fact that he’s imprinted on me, to say nothing of the more willful bonds of our love for each other, but it’s an unspoken rule that I don’t talk about the men to each other when I’m with any one of them. It just spoils the mood.
Tony shrugs. “I guess we’ll find out. I’m going to go for it. Ty is too, he says. We both just wanted to make sure you were comfortable with our joining the pack, assuming it works out.”
“Why are you asking me?” I ask.
He pauses in his steady motion. That’s unprecedented. Even when our conversations have gotten intense, he’s never pulled back from the physical side of our relationship. But now he’s holding still, holding back. I look up at him, confused.
“This was your family first,” Tony says. “This was your pack. We don’t want to just come in and claim membership without your consent. Especially since things are complicated by the fact that we’ve imprinted.” He lets his fingertips trail down my side, waking up my skin as he goes. “I love being with you, Jacie, but if this isn’t working for you, if it’s hard to have me around, I’ll leave.”
“You’d do that?” I can’t believe it. “Even though you’ve imprinted? You’d just willingly walk away because I didn’t like it?”
“Of course, I would,” Tony says. “Only a monster would want to be with someone who didn’t want them back. Having me in the house all the time, I know, your body reacts to my presence. It’s not something you can help, necessarily. And that can be great, but if you hate it, or if it bothers you...I mean, just tell me. I’ll go.”
Aiden would never have done this. Dan would never have done this. Was that the alpha in them preventing them from walking away from something they wanted, blinding them to the fact that they weren’t entitled to take anything they liked? How do I square that with the fact that Caleb is so different? Caleb would never force me into a situation I didn’t want. He’s an alpha, but he’s not—as Tony puts it—a monster.
Not all alphas are monsters. Not all men who imprint are monsters. And that’s a wonderful thing to know, of course, but it’s also a little frightening. Because there are monsters out there, and sometimes you can’t see them coming. Sometimes you don’t know who they’re going to be.
Have I had all the bad luck I’m going to have? Will Caleb and I live happily ever after? Will Ty and Tony and I enjoy each other’s company for whatever time we have together? Maybe I won’t have to worry about monsters or darkness for the rest of my days.
I answer Tony’s question by reaching up and wrapping my hand around his neck, pulling him back down to me. He understands and hums happily into my mouth, and we resume the lazy rhythm we had set before we got sidetracked.
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER, Ty and Tony receive their official Hell’s Bears tattoos and become members of the pack. Bill and Mary do the inking this time. Tony howls, caught somewhere between pain and amusement as the needle etches ink lines into his skin. Ty is stoic throughout the process, his eyes fixed on his upper arm, watching the image of the bear paw and the devil horns take shape. I think back to the night I got my own tattoo, and how I felt so clearly that I had no choice in the matter. Ty and Tony are taking the mark willingly. The atmosphere couldn’t be more different.
“Do you think it’s going to work on them?” I ask Caleb. He and I are huddled together into the corner of the room while Bill and Mary focus on their wor
k. Caleb is the only one I’m fully comfortable talking to about the fact that I’m not under alpha rule. He’s the only one I can be sure is celebrating my independence, rather than just being mystified by it or, God forbid, resenting it.
“It should,” Caleb says, but I can hear the doubt in his voice. “This is how Alex and I were brought into the pack. Of course, we were much younger at the time, so many we were more suggestible. I’m not sure. And Mary brought Bill into the pack, but that was before my time, so I’m not sure what differences there were in that situation.”
I nod slowly. We still have no idea why it didn’t work on me. Maybe we’ll never know. Maybe I’ll always have to live with that. But it’s hard to see Ty and Tony getting their tattoos now, officially joining the pack. It feels like they’re part of the family in a way I’m not.
Would I want to be? Would I want to give up my freedom for a sense of belonging? The truth is, I have no idea which is worth more to me.
Finally, the tattoos are applied, and Bill and Mary step back to clean their equipment. A quiet settles over the room. I’m sure everyone’s waiting for Caleb to give an order, to issue a test, and I’m sure Caleb is wondering the same thing I am—is it going to work this time? Many of the others are probably pondering the same question.
Caleb turns to me. “Jacie,” he says, “go and get some wasabi.”
It’s simple and brilliant. Neither Ty nor Tony can stand the taste of wasabi. They’d never eat it willingly. If they do eat, we’ll know that Caleb’s order is what’s driving them to do so.
I scoop some wasabi onto a plate and grab two spoons. Back in the living room, Ty and Tony are examining their shoulders and comparing their tattoos against each other’s and against those of the rest of the pack. I hand the plate and the spoons to Caleb.
He scoops some wasabi onto each spoon and hands them to our two new pack members. “Eat.”
Even knowing what an alpha’s command feels like, how tightly it binds, I’m expecting them to resist. I’m expecting a question, do we really need to do this? or can’t we prove ourselves some other way, some less disgusting way? But the spoons are immediately in their mouths, and although they’re gagging and yelling at the taste, they’re swallowing too, and I’m left without any room for doubt.
The tattoos worked. Ty and Tony have been brought into the pack and under Caleb’s rule.
So why didn’t it work on me?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“A celebration!” Caleb roars. Sometimes, when things are going well, he really does sound like an alpha. At times like these, I think his bear self must live closer to the surface than any of the rest of ours. I am always acutely aware of the fact that I’m a human. I live in my fragile skin, my weak muscles, my inability to move quickly. Despite the fact that I am an omega and I have powers I’m still learning to wield; I understand how weak I am. But Caleb seems, at times, not to feel any weakness at all. The strength of the bear flows through him no matter what form he’s wearing at the time.
Everyone cheers at the suggestion of celebrating, although I’m a little late to add my voice to the clamor. Something, some unclear anxiety, is tugging at me. My thoughts keep returning to the fact that the Hell’s Bears tattoo didn’t work on me. I never truly processed the thought, but in the back of my mind I suspected the problem must have been the tattoo itself. Perhaps getting the tattoo wasn’t enough to fully bring me into the pack. But it seems to have worked perfectly well on Ty and Tony.
What does that mean? Is there no way that I can become a member of the Hell’s Bears? Is the tattoo the only way in which it can be done? Is there something wrong with me, something that keeps me apart from the rest of the pack I’ve chosen? Will I never be able to be one of them?
More and more, it feels like that might actually be something I want.
Caleb leads the way out of the den, the others following on his heels. Now that we’re a bigger pack, more of us have to ride tandem when we go out on our bikes—Dan, Miles, and Luce took their own bikes away with them when they left. I ride with Caleb, of course, and Mary rides with Bill. Alex usually rides with Ty, but she complains about it. “I miss having a bike of my own,” she grumbles, looking longingly at the handlebars as Ty throws his leg over the front seat. “What about letting me drive, Ty? Just for once?”
Ty laughs. “As if you could handle my weight on the back of a bike.”
“You have no idea what I can handle,” she teases him, and then glances at me. I don’t recognize the expression on her face. Something seems to have subdued her, because she climbs onto the back of Ty’s bike without further argument.
Caleb kicks his bike to life, and I feel it growl underneath me. “Everyone follow,” he calls to the group behind us. “Ty, you and Alex chase.”
The sound in the garage grows exponentially as five more bikes roar to life. I lean forward and wrap my arms around Caleb. I know his body so well by now, it’s like holding onto myself. I know every line of him, the exact perfect distance around his waist, the way he fits perfectly into my arms. I hang on tight.
And he hits the ignition.
We speed out of the garage and into the night. The air is cold and fresh on my face, the rushing bike whisking it down my lungs, so I have to take great gulps to breathe. It’s refreshing and amazing, waking me up from face to toes, jolting me with energy all through my body. I’ve always enjoyed our bike rides, ever since I came to join the Hell’s Bears, but I think tonight’s ride is my favorite.
In front of me, I feel the tension bleed out of Caleb’s muscles. I haven’t realized fully just how much pressure he’s been under; how hard it has been for him to live up to the responsibilities of the alpha. But now, out on our bike, out on the road, he’s free of his worries. He lets out a whoop of delight, and I can’t help laughing. I’m just so happy to see him happy. It occurs to me that I might not be physically capable of unhappiness while Caleb is happy. We are so closely tied together, between his imprint and the fact that we’re so deeply in love.
Caleb leads the way onto the interstate, and for a few moments I’m worried that he’s going to take us to the same clearing Dan took us to on that fateful night when he was overthrown. I may not have any trouble being in the woods, but I don’t think I’d want to return to that scene again. But Caleb stops us before we get that far and pulls off to the side of the road. We dismount and wait for the others to show up. Ty and Alex, riding chase, are the last to arrive, and they do so with a skid and a spray of dirt that covers us all from the knees down.
“What now?” Joe asks when we’ve all dismounted from our bikes. But I can tell he knows the answer. The answer has been in everyone’s face from the moment we left home. I’ve felt it singing in my heart, flexing my muscles and heightening my senses, bringing me to life.
“Now we run,” Caleb says.
We’ve never run together, this new pack, and there’s something magical about it. We’re not a natural fit. Five grizzlies, two brown bears, and me, the lone polar bear. If any humans came across us in these woods, they’d think they were seeing things. We don’t seem to belong to each other. And yet, somehow, we do belong. We are the family we’ve chosen.
I run, not at the back, as Dan or Aiden would have insisted, but in the middle. Caleb runs ahead of me, the alpha, leading the way, and Ty and Tony follow just behind me, one on each side. Alex is beside me, playful, giddy, and it is not until I look at her face that I become fully aware of just how well I can read bears’ facial expressions. I’ve always been able to tell when a bear is angry, of course, but that isn’t hard to spot. Looking at my family now, I pick out much more subtle tells. Mary is impressed and pleased by her own strength. Joe is relieved to be back in this form—it’s so much more comfortable than his aging human body. Caleb feels the natural pull of his alpha role as a bear. It comes more easily to him here, in the woods.
And me? What do I feel?
I feel the urge for belonging. I want to be part of this pac
k, this found family. I can’t imagine finding a better group for myself. I want Alex to be my sister. I want Caleb to be my lover and my alpha. I want Ty and Tony to belong to me in some formal way, something more than the relationship for which I have no name that we currently enjoy. I want the filial feelings I have toward Bill, Mary, and even Joe to be based on something real.
And I want to give them babies. Not just Caleb, although the idea of his babies growing in me is so appealing it verges on necessary. But I want to have babies for the whole pack. Everyone will benefit if we are bigger, stronger, more in number. It’s more than simply accepting that I can do it. As a bear, I long to do it. My complicated human thoughts and feelings are pushed aside, and the desires at my very core rise to the surface. I’m ready. I want to breed. I want to have Caleb’s litter.
We run for hours, until the sun is peeking over the horizon, until we are almost too tired to move, and when we’re done, we pile on the motorcycles and roar through the city, disturbing the peace, not giving a damn. The night belongs to the Hell’s Bears.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
It’s Saturday night, and it’s Alex and Caleb’s birthday, apparently. Nobody told me about this in advance. I haven’t had a chance to buy a gift for either of them. There’s going to be a party tonight, though, so I make my way to the kitchen at around three o’clock. Maybe I can figure out how to whip something up for the two of them.
