WOMAN SPOOKED BY MONKEY BUSINESS
In an apartment parking lot in Lakewood, Colorado, in 1992, a woman was accosted by a man who exposed himself to her while wearing a rubber gorilla mask, a long black wig and a gorilla suit.
MAN INVITES HORSE FOR ORAL SEX
A 41-year-old man was arrested in Tucson, Arizona, in 1994 after appearing to tempt horses from the University of Arizona Agricultural Center towards him with food. What aroused the officers’ suspicions was the fact that he was holding the food near his exposed penis as if inviting the animals to perform oral sex.
“MAGISTRATE CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN COURT”
A French magistrate was locked up in 2003 pending investigation after a local newspaper reporter claimed to have spotted him masturbating during a court case. The Bordeaux newspaper said the magistrate discreetly lifted up his ceremonial robe while a lawyer was presenting final arguments, undid his pants and “engaged in gestures that left nothing to the imagination.”
WOMAN SNAPPED BY FLASH PHOTOGRAPHER
A woman in Bloomington, Minnesota, told police officers that a driver had pulled up alongside her on the highway on a bitterly cold winter’s morning and had then flashed her by pressing a naked photograph of himself against his car window.
ROMANIAN HOOKERS OFFER TO DO CLEANING TOO
Their trade hit by economic recession in 2000, Romanian prostitutes tried to boost business by offering to do household chores for clients after having sex. A “sexual agent” in Bucharest revealed that many women in the sex business had added cooking and house-cleaning to their repertoire. He added: “We had to invent something because people don’t have money and clients are rare. Men are happy because many of them live alone and the girls help them get rid of the three things which torment their lives: sex, cleaning and cooking.”
BUTT SNIFFER STRIKES IN DEVON SUPERMARKET
Police in Devon announced in 2009 that they were hunting a man who repeatedly knelt behind a supermarket shelf stacker in order to smell his bottom. The man was caught on CCTV creeping up on the unsuspecting employee at least 20 times while he stacked shelves at a Co-op store in Plymouth. The footage showed him pretending to choose items from the shelves before suddenly crouching down behind the worker. “I had no idea what was going on,” said the victim of the phantom butt sniffer. “I thought it was a bit strange that he was in the aisle for that long.” Plymouth police confirmed that they were treating the incident very seriously.
DISAPPOINTED TO FIND STUNNING MODEL WAS TEENAGE BOY
A German man who bid $2,000 to win a night of passion with an exotic model was distraught to find out that his “date” was a teenage boy running an online scam. The man said: “I saw the auction on the Internet and put in a bid straight away. I watched every day for a week to see if anyone would outbid me but no one did and when I realized I had won I started preparing for the big night. I admit I did find it a bit strange that I got no reply to my emails to the model but on the auction site there was an address and a date, so I thought she was just trying to set a mood of mystery for the night. I decided to turn up at the address but when I got there, instead of a beautiful model I found some spotty little kid with a laptop. That was when I realized I’d been ripped off.”
MAN FOUND DEAD WITH CONDOM OVER HEAD
A naked man was found dead in his bed at Newhaven, East Sussex, in 2007 after pulling a condom filled with laughing gas (nitrous oxide) over his head for sexual gratification. He had been watching the Eurovision Song Contest the previous evening.
JUDGE PUTS BRAKES ON CAR LOVER
A 45-year-old man from Edmonton, Canada, was jailed for three months in 2007 for indecently assaulting cars. Sandy Wong pleaded guilty to three counts of climbing onto cars in public and masturbating on them. He was first caught pleasuring himself with his pants down on top of a BMW sedan at a local Home and Garden show. Two months later he was spotted mounting a green Mini Cooper that was parked outside a Pizza Hut and finally a witness called the police after watching him in ecstasy on a Buick Century. A psychiatrist explained that Wong is sexually attracted to the roofs of certain classic cars because they are “curved like a woman’s body”. He added that Wong is also aroused by motorcycles and women’s feet.
SEX GAME BACKFIRES
As part of a bizarre sex game, a Green Bay, Wisconsin, man handed his wife a shotgun and told her to point it at his scrotum and shoot, which she did. His mistake was in thinking that the gun wasn’t loaded.
CLOTHED MAN SPARKS RIOT AT NUDIST ORGY
A Brisbane man who refused to remove his clothes at a raunchy sex party was blamed for starting a fracas at an Australian nudist resort in 2009. Police were called to the White Cockatoo resort, near Port Douglas, Queensland, which was promoting a month of hedonism to boost sagging tourism figures. Resort owner Tony Fox said the “mini riot” broke out after four naked female guests protested when confronted by the fully clothed man. “They felt uncomfortable with him eyeing them up,” said Fox, “and I asked him to show some respect and take his clothes off.”
MAN LAYS TABLE
A 40-year-old man was arrested in the US in 2008 for allegedly having sex with a picnic table. A neighbour in Bellevue, Ohio, called the police when he saw the man turn over a round metal table in his garden and sexually assault it. The local police captain, who disclosed that the man had been seen with the table on four separate mornings, said: “He was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table.” The officer added that the case was a first in his book. “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around.”
IRANIAN SEX CHANGE MAN WANTS IT REVERSED
An Iranian man who underwent a sex change to become a woman decidedly shortly afterwards that she wanted to reverse the operation because she found life as a woman unbearable in Iran. Maryam, formerly Mehran, told reporters: “I thought I would get used to it, but life has become painful and intolerable. There are so many restrictions for women in Iran. So I want another sex change.”
PROSTITUTE ARRESTED FOR SLASHING HER PRICES
A Turin prostitute was arrested by Italian police in 2002 because she charged clients too little and thereby contravened the country’s laws of competition. She was charged with fraudulently lowering prices in a public trade market and unfair competition in what police described as a blatant attempt to force other prostitutes out of business.
MAN FALLS ASLEEP ON CHAT LINE
Romanian pensioner Constantin Luican found that calling a chat line can be an expensive business. Far from being aroused by sultry tones of the telephone temptress, Luican fell asleep during the call and ran up a bill of $1,400. He refused to pay the bill because he said the line was boring.
SEX IN THE SEA IS INTERRUPTED BY RESCUE HELICOPTER
Belgian authorities launched a major rescue operation in 2005 after a couple were seen “struggling” in the sea – only to find that they were actually making love. The alert was raised after a man spotted the couple with his binoculars and contacted the coastguard. A Sea King rescue helicopter, a lifeboat and police officers were drafted in to help but when the pair were eventually pulled from the sea, it transpired that they didn’t need rescuing at all because the thrashing about in the water was merely an act of passion. The girl was found to be wearing only her partner’s boxer shorts while the man was completely naked.
PHONE SEX OPERATOR SUES FOR INJURY SUSTAINED ON THE JOB
A Fort Lauderdale, Florida, phone sex operator won a “minimal” workers’ compensation settlement after claiming she was injured while regularly “pleasuring herself ” at work. Her lawyer said she developed carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands from masturbating up to seven times a day while speaking with callers. He added: “She was told to do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible.”
HOT STUFF IN THE KITCHEN
While Romanian Virgil Cures was cooking dinner in his kitchen in 2000, his girlfriend was giving him oral sex
. But then he accidentally spilled hot oil on her, the shock of which caused her to clamp down hard with her teeth onto his penis. Surgeons worked for four hours to repair the damage to his organ but feared that it would lose its sexual function.
GARDENER ORDERED TO COVER UP NAKED GNOMES
A grandmother from the West Midlands was ordered to put clothes on her garden gnomes in 2009 following complaints from a neighbour that the naked ornaments were upsetting local children. The gnomes – one male and two female – had stood in Sandra Smith’s Hunnington front garden for around 15 years but when a neighbour objected to their presence, Bromsgrove District Council ordered a cover-up. So Mrs Smith covered the trio’s modesty in miniature T-shirts. The offended neighbour called the gnomes “childish” and “pathetic”.
TEEN FILMED HAVING SEX WITH HORSE
A teenager was arrested in 2007 after CCTV cameras caught him having sex with a horse in a barn in Corvallis, Oregon. The owners had installed the video surveillance camera after previous assaults on the mare.
MANURE FETISHIST IS CAUGHT PLEASURING HIMSELF IN MUCK SPREADER
A man who gets sexual thrills from manure was jailed for 16 weeks in 2009 after being caught performing sex acts on himself in a muck spreader on a Cornish farm. David Truscott, 40, had broken into the farm and covered himself in animal waste. He then climbed into the spreader vehicle, where he was discovered wearing rubber gloves and playing in the slurry for “sexual reasons”. Truro Magistrates’ Court heard that Truscott had been convicted of a previous offence at the same farm in 2004. On that occasion the farmer found a trough filled with dung and tissues scattered around. He then noticed two hand prints and a “bottom print” where manure had been. Police who searched Truscott’s home in Camborne found 360 pairs of women’s knickers and containers of liquid sludge. Officers related how Truscott would walk into the farm to roll in manure and pleasure himself before washing in a cattle trough. His lawyers described him as a “peculiar man with peculiar habits”.
WOMAN FALLS FROM TREE AT HEIGHT OF PASSION
A couple were enjoying passionate sex in a tree at Windsor Great Park . . . until the woman lost her grip and fell naked to the ground, breaking her leg.
MAN KIDNAPS BLOW-UP DOLLS FOR SEX
A burglar broke into three adult shops in Cairns, Queensland, Australia, in 2009, stole blow-up dolls and then had sex with them before callously dumping them. He took the inflatable dolls – named “Jungle Jane” – out to the rear of the shops, blew them up and after having his way with them simply abandoned them in an alley. One of the shop owners admitted: “It’s a real concern that someone like that is out on the street.”
STORE OWNER STAGES FANTASY RAID
A businessman in Prince Albert, Canada, was sentenced to 12 months in jail in 2002 for staging a sexual fantasy in which he hired someone to rob his store and tie him up naked with an unsuspecting woman.
BOMB SQUAD DISARMS SEX TOY
When the janitor of an apartment block in Gothenburg, Sweden, spotted a package humming and vibrating in a garage, he immediately called out the bomb squad. The area was cordoned off but when the device was disabled following a delicate operation, officers found that the “ticking bomb” was nothing more deadly than a vibrating sex toy.
STUDENT IS OFFERED LIVE TIGER IN EXCHANGE FOR VIRGINITY
A student who auctioned her virginity to pay for a master’s degree in Family and Marriage Therapy received a bid from a zookeeper who promised her a live tiger in exchange for a one-night stand. Natalie Dylan, from San Diego, California, also claimed that over 10,000 men had bid sums of up to $3.7 million to have sex with her, although she noted that the highest cash bid had come with the condition that the act be recorded on video. She said she started the auction in 2008 after her sister Avia had successfully raised money for her own degree by working as a prostitute for three weeks.
JUDGE SENTENCES TEENAGE THIEF TO 30 MONTHS’ CELIBACY
After pleading guilty to stealing handguns, 17-year-old Brandon Stevens was sentenced by Henry County, Illinois, Judge Clarke Barnes to 30 months on probation, 180 days in jail and a $2,000 fine – but the judge said Stevens wouldn’t have to serve the jail sentence if he remained celibate for the duration of the probation period. Although the defendant was not charged with any sexually related crimes, Judge Barnes said: “There are a lot of good, logical reasons why this young man shouldn’t be having sex with anyone’s daughter. He’s got no job, no employment and no high school diploma. We don’t need more kids fathered by people with this kind of background.” State Attorney Ted Hamer admitted that the order would be difficult to enforce. “Nobody’s going to be spying on him or looking in windows. I think the judge just hopes he’ll abide by the order.”
GRIEF-STRICKEN MAN DIGS UP DEAD FIANCÉE FOR SEX
A man told police officers in Sorocaba, Brazil, that he had been so overcome with grief following the death of his fiancée that, three months after her burial, he had dug up her body, which still had her wedding dress on, and had sex with it. “I was desperate and needed her,” he confessed.
EEL INSERTION NEARLY COSTS MAN HIS LIFE
A Hong Kong man put a live eel up his butt in the belief that he would derive enormous sexual pleasure from its writhing. Instead it proceeded to gnaw a hole in his stomach, and surgeons only managed to save the man’s life by removing the eel from his intestine.
MARRIED COUPLE MYSTIFIED BY SEX TALK
Having spent years hoping for children, a married couple from Germany finally decided to seek help from a fertility clinic in 2004. But when the clinic asked them how often they had sex, they looked blank and said: “What do you mean?” A clinic spokesman told reporters: “We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment and who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate.”
LOVER LEAVES THE METER RUNNING
A cold-hearted Swedish taxi driver left the meter running while he had sex with a woman customer. He eventually sent her an invoice for $11,000, the bill including 25 instances of “sexual coitus”, mileage, hotel and telephone costs, plus 25 per cent sales tax. However the court took a dim view of his actions, sentencing him to three years in prison and ordering him to reimburse the woman in full.
MINISTER ARRESTED OVER INDECENT SLIDE SHOW
A Texas minister was arrested in 2002 when, in the middle of his PowerPoint presentation on servitude, the wrong slides popped up on screen, showing his collection of pictures of naked young boys.
SEX SEEKER KEEPS CALLING POLICE DEPARTMENT
A 22-year-old New Yorker got his wires badly crossed when he tried to phone for a hooker in 2001. Although he had taken the number from a newspaper advertisement, he kept ringing the Colonie Police Department by mistake. Five times the police operator informed him that he had got the wrong number, but the caller just wouldn’t take no for an answer. So when he phoned for a sixth time, the annoyed operator suggested meeting him at a local hotel for sex. When he showed up, her colleagues were waiting to arrest him.
EX-MALE BIKER WINS “MUM OF THE YEAR”
Karen Buckley, mother of three teenage children, was chosen as “Mum of the Year” by a Rochdale newspaper in 2003 having been nominated by her partner. After receiving her prize, it was revealed that she had previously been a biker named Tommy Buckley before undergoing a sex-change operation in 2000, and that she was in fact the father of the children.
COUPLE FINED FOR SEX IN CHURCH
A Nigerian couple were fined for having sex on the altar of their local church. Tolu Akintepe and his wife Bunmi told a judge they had been trying to spice up their love life when they were caught in the act by the pastor. Mr Akintepe said: “I thought it would be thrilling if we did it in the church, having the big guy upstairs watching us. I thought it was a little adventurous. My wife loved the idea.” The pastor was less impressed and demanded they pay $150 damages for desecration. He also wanted the
m to clean the altar.
FREE STRIP SHOW PROVES COSTLY
Dozens of Russian motorists who abandoned their luxury cars to watch three women frolic naked on the banks of a Moscow river in 2006 paid a heavy price when thieves made off with the vehicles. Once the fleet of BMWs and Mercedes had been stolen, the women hastily grabbed their clothes and escaped in a waiting van.
INTRUDER COATS WOMAN IN CHOCOLATE
An intruder entered a woman’s apartment in Virginia Beach, Virginia, in 1981 while she was asleep. He then forcibly covered her face and body with chocolate and vanilla cake frosting. He reportedly told his victim that she should have known this would happen if she left her door unlocked.
WOMAN SWALLOWS LOVER’S FALSE TEETH
A 38-year-old woman from Galati, Romania, spent two days in hospital in 2007 after accidentally swallowing her lover’s dentures during a moment of passion. She told doctors she had been experimenting a “special type of passionate kiss” with her boyfriend.
The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books) Page 6
