by Love Belvin
“Ryshon!” flew from my lungs on deaf ears.
“Ask him,” Ryshon challenged, tossing his chin next to him. “He right here. I tell you no lies, my G.”
“Time’s up,” Ezra informed, charging toward Ryshon.
But it was too late. Tyheem had already grabbed him up, putting him into a hold, and moved him along. Little X tried to go for Tyheem when John snatched him up much more roughly than his friend was and followed them out.
A riotous exit was happening. Lex was all over Ezra, trying to cover him. She was pregnant and used her full weight to do it. I felt sick. Couldn’t believe all that was going down around me. On their own accord, my heavy eyes rolled over to find Trent’s on me. No longer were they filled with rage. They were etched with pain.
The door slammed on his way in. Trent brisked past the dining room where I’d been waiting on him to see off the last of the guests.
“Trent,” I called out, but he was out of my peripheral.
He backed up and peered into the room where I sat at the table. He didn’t speak, only scratched the flesh hidden behind his beard. My stomach was in knots.
“I’m sorry. If I’d known Ryshon was that impetuous and hot to the touch at this point, I would’ve never invited him. Hell, if I’d known he’d come with a friend instead of his children, I’d have revoked the invitation.”
“I ‘on’t think I’ve ever seen my man that hot.” Trent wouldn’t look at me. “He wouldn’t say shit to his wife when they packed the baby in the car.”
“I’m so, so sorry. I’ll send them a basket of sorts as a means of apology.”
“A basket?” His hard eyes were finally upon me. “You think a basket is gonna erase how close to violence he was? You know dude’s a fuckin’ black belt martial artist? He could’ve fuckin’ killed Ryshon and his mans in less than ninety seconds. I fuckin’ got hands, Jade: coulda bodied them niggas myself. Dude gots hands, feets, and head. He’s a human weapon!”
I jumped in the chair.
“And he’s your mentor and friend. I understand you didn’t like seeing him roused like that.” I swallowed hard, unable to look at him. “I’m also aware that you were humiliated in front of him and his wife, too.”
“Yeah, and about that: you ‘on’t think that’s some shit I shoulda known?”
“What do you mean?”
“That lurking ass nigga up in my house with history with you like that and you couldn’t at least tell me when they came through the door?”
My face opened in shock. “I don’t think opening that can of worms during Ky’s party would’ve been appropri—”
“What ain’t fuckin’ appropriate is two bum ass niggas in my crib, talking about smashin’ my wife! Something I ain’t know about!”
I jumped to my feet. “I swear on everything I love, I was going to tell you. Early on when we were getting to know each other, I was going to tell you, but… It…”
“It what?”
“It would’ve worked against my motive at the time?”
“What moti—” That must have been when it clicked. “Oh, when you was tryna fuck?”
My eyes slammed shut and shoulders lifted at that blow. The mere mention of my seduction under these circumstances made me feel repulsive.
A sob shot from the back of my mouth. “I’m so sorry, Trent! I’m so sorry!”
“Sorry for what?” he screamed into my face.
I couldn’t see him behind my squeezed eyes, but could feel his angry cotton candy-fragranced breath across my face. I felt the burn from hot tears run down my face, hot mucous racing to my quivering lips.
“I’m sorry for all of this. Keeping that from you, the pregnancy, the drama—everything.” I forced my eyes open. “I get it’s not what you want. I swear, I’ll do whatever you want to make this right.”
“Really? Like there’s anything that can undo this shit, Jade!” His mouth tightened and he yanked the hairs of his head by the roots, turning away from me. A growl flung from what seemed like the bottom of his belly. “Ooooh!” I cried harder. “You know I got issues with trust! You know I don’t fuck with people, Jade! For this reason, man. I stay low, off of people because of this very shit!”
My heart shred in two.
“I understand,” my voice was firm. “We can leave.” Trent turned to face me, eyes wide as saucers. I shook my head, prepared for the rebuttal. “It wouldn’t be the biggest let down for your world. I’m not accepted by them anyway. You haven’t spent anything on the wedding. We can just walk away.” I desperately wanted to help him.
Trent’s chin ducked and brows furrowed. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You forget we married, Jade?”
“We’re not.”
The whole room seemed to vacuum in sound. I could only hear my pulse race. My eyes held his impossible horrorstruck expression.
I licked my lips, my hands going into the air as I begged him to let me explain. “I never filed our license last fall. I’ve been forgetting to. According to the state of New Jersey, we aren’t married.”
“The fuck?”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s been a huge oversight with all I’ve been doing. Each week it’s on my to-do list and something happens to knock it to the next. First it was finishing up school last semester then Super Bowl, then spearheading the foundation for Shank… The list goes on and on. But I swear—”
“You fuckin’ kidding me right now? The hits keep coming. You ‘on’t think that’s something I should have known, too? You like keeping secrets! That’s what this’s been about to you?”
A tear ripped at my chest. In that moment, I could feel eighteen hard months of trust built up being broken.
As my head rocked side to side, my eyes closed again in pain. I did not see that coming. My admittance to what I thought was a blunder gave him a false revelation that could mark the end of us.
Trent turned to leave. I couldn’t let him do that.
“Tren—”
“WHAT?” he roared.
“So, now I’m untrustworthy?”
“I don’t know what the hell you are! You just copped to not even being mine!”
I stepped closer. “Legally. Not yet anyway—”
“Now… Now… Now!” April walked up from behind me. “Everybody just calm down. We gotta lot going on here!” She moved between us, her chubby arm flailing in the air. “Between the charity foundation, y’all tryna help me up here, the news about the pregnancy, planning this party, Brenda being in the hospital, and Trent going back and forth—”
“What?” I shifted. “Going back and forth?” My questioning regard shot to Trent. He rolled his eyes away, exasperated. “Wait. You’ve been going back and forth to the hospital to be with your mother?” I could barely get out, my diaphragm danced so hard.
“Now, wait!” April interjected, trying to gain eye contact with me. “He ain’t been keeping much from you. She won’t even see him. You know Brenda shut folks out.”
Pain turned into venom. My eyes narrowed even more.
“How many times have you been down there and she hasn’t been receptive, Trent?” I demanded.
I swear I could choke the life out of Brenda Bailey. She didn’t deserve to be a mother. Not to this amazing human being.
“It don’t even matter, man,” he muttered, turning away.
My neck jerked back at his audacity. “It doesn’t matter now that all of my secrets have been blown out of proportion or it didn’t matter when you were going back and forth underneath my nose? Who’s keeping secrets now, Trent? At least my alleged blunder was before I met you!”
My body swung around and I left the room.
He’s never going to trust me completely…
~Twelve
“Two hundred fifty people,” April breathed, amazed as she scanned the invitation list. “All for my Shank, huhn?”
“I think we’re on track in terms of planning. Love Is Action and the Connecticut Kings are throwing lots of resources into this.�
�� I sat back from the table, scratching my scalp and yawning.
It was time for me to take this weave out and wash my hair. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I’d been thinking about leaving it out for a while. Or at least I was before all of the shit with Trent blew up a few days ago before he left for the road again. I’d been in a slump all week.
“Trent said so. He said it ain’t been hard to start this foundation.”
“And watch how it grows. I bet if he stays at it, the name will be recognizable for every HIV/AIDS community-based organization across the U.S. I wish I could do more to bring it to fruition.”
“Oh, baby!” she cried. “You’ve done a lot. You wrote up that fancy mission and goals for it to make people respect it.”
She was talking about the mission statement for the Shank Bailey Foundation she and Trent conceptualized last year, just after his death. When Trent started inquiring about how to start a foundation, he was told to write down its purpose. I’d just taken a grant writing course last semester as a filler and was familiar with the basics of asking for money. I sat with April and Trent to pull goals and objectives from them and took it from there.
“I just hope the recipients take to it. Continuum care and clean needle access are ground-level. Those in need of this service should take advantage of it.”
“Well, those are the people we ran into the most in the clinic and hospital. For some reason, Shank saw more drug users than people who got it like he did, through sex. He said if he could do things differently, he’d help them. Those people, he really took to them.”
I nodded, my eyes to the dining room table where we were meeting for me to share the update the coordinator had provided me. Trent had hired her to spearhead the ball. August would be here before we knew it. We wanted April informed, Trent and I both.
“How’s the big party plans coming along?”
I exhaled, rubbing my eyes. “They’re coming. Thank God for Elle. She’s been a miracle worker. Honestly, there isn’t much for me to do”—I relaxed in the wing-back chair and went for my belly—“but find something to hide this.”
April laughed, but I caught the adoration in her eyes. “Girl, you ain’t gone be able to keep that secret for long. I been noticing it. Could be because I know, but it’s making itself known. By Trent’s birthday, it’s gone be screaming ‘hi’ to everybody!” April cracked herself up. “Damn, I miss Shank. I know he smiling down on Trent.” Her forehead nodded toward my small bulge through a thin t-shirt. “She’s proof of it. Trent’s blessed for having you, honey.”
God, I miss him…
My arms dropped and belly leaped as my elbows went to the table.
“You okay, baby girl?” April’s voice was soft, her regard just as careful.
I sighed, trying to pass it off as a laugh. “I’ve seen better days.”
“Jade, take it one day at a time. All marriages are assigned cars on the rollercoaster. Just hold his hand while going down. It’ll feel that much better when you peak again.”
My brows furrowed. “What does that mean?”
She started gathering her things at the table, neatly packing the handouts I printed for her into the portfolio I purchased for her storage.
“It means you gotta know you’ll come back up. Together. Nobody likes a fair weather friend. If you’re with them in the good, you gotta do that bid in the bad, too. The same as in marriage. Yeah. You recognize the fights, the pain, the problem. But right there is when you should determine in ya heart that you’re going to get through this one together. And brave the next one together. ‘Cause, baby,” she sang. “Them lows gonna keep coming.”
My folded face went to the paperwork scattered in front of me, my eyes all over, making sense of what she was saying.”
“But technically, we’re not married.” It had become so real to me once Trent made it a big deal.
“You done told me about the wedding on the beach where Shank’s remains are. You took vows before God and Shank. You two are married. Next step is to legalize it. Find out how to get it done.”
My phone vibrated over the table, alerting me of a text.
Lex Carmichael: Hey girl! Just got a moment to text and say THANKS for the gift basket! The Carmichaels will be Gucci and Ase Garb’ed OUT this spring. My divo of a man loved the horsebit slippers! Now I know why you asked for our sizes. LMAO
I rolled my eyes and snickered, happy to feel her positive energy through a text. Lex couldn’t shake the profanity. It was one of the perks of Trent having an endorsement deal in place with them. I couldn’t go crazy, ordering things for other people, but there was an allowance for gifts to friends and family. This seemed like an appropriate occasion to utilize it.
“I’m off. I need to get a nap in before Kyree gets home. He and I are going out to get snow sleds today. They said we’re getting a lot this weekend.” She stood, collecting her things. “Can you believe we gettin’ more snow?” She moved to leave out.
I smiled, shrugging with my forehead.
Me: I just wanted to apologize to him and say thank you to you. I feel horrible. I still can’t believe how you handled my ignorant baby’s daddy.
I snorted a laugh, though it was inappropriate to feel humor under the circumstances.
Lex Carmichael: He was light work. You gotta remember I got that #HarlemPride in me. I’ve been dealing with much worse in my line of work. Even grew up around it.
I wasn’t familiar with the hashtag.
Me: Can I ask a personal question?
Lex Carmichael: Yes
Me: How ugly was it between you and Pastor Carmichael when you got home? Are you past it?
Lex Carmichael: Pretty bad. I’m not used to seeing him lose it in front others. Only me. He spanked my ass and slept well that night. LMAO
I cupped my mouth, eyes bulging.
Don’t go there… Don’t go there!
Me: I’m not going there. Sounds like you’re still married though. Thanks again Lex. You were a needed friend.
Lex Carmichael: Cool beans sis. I keep telling you I’m not a first lady. I’m a work in progress married to the preacher man. Maybe I’ll run into you at bible study.
That was a load off. A comical one—but needed. I hoped her husband was just as forgiving.
For that matter, I hoped mine was, too. In fact, I needed to get a husband. The day Trent left, I called down to the clerk’s office with questions. We had six months to file the marriage license. We were five months out at this point, with not much time to spare.
I just didn’t know if I had a willing husband anymore.
My shoulder shook. I sniffled, rolling my eyes.
Damn!
All I did was cry. I was tired of crying. Never cried so much in my life. It was crazy. I’d seen a bad day or two in my day, but I’d never battled fear to this degree. My eyes blurred from tears, as I observed the tag of the fourth dress I tried on this morning for church. Fourth! It was also the fourth I couldn’t fit. I’d just worn this one last month.
As I sat inside the closet, on an ottoman with only a towel wrapped around my naked body, I was wrecked with unfair emotions. It wasn’t just about the dresses—but very much about the dresses. It was because everything around me felt blue. I was heavier, breasts impossibly bigger, tracks loose in my head likely from pregnancy hormones…nail chipped before getting in the shower. All of it. I was over it all, and even in a moment of hormonal insanity, I contemplated cutting my hair all off.
I heard him clear his throat at first. “I owe you an apology.”
And that was my biggest source of anxiety this morning. Trent was back from his motivational mentoring tour in Louisiana. Today would be our first time going to church together in a while. I’d been too much of a coward to go last week, so I viewed the service online. I did make it to Bible study, though. I actually looked forward to church and attended without Trent all the time. But this morning was different. He’d just gotten in from his flight at five this morning. By
six he was out for his morning run, followed by his workout. We’d spoken sparsely while he was away.
My back was to him. I couldn’t face him. But the tears halted. I had to get it together. My eyes widened and whipped around in their sockets.
“Why? Because it’s the right thing to do or you think I deserve an apology after embarrassing you in front of your pastor, his wife, and your staff?” My eyes raced.
“I owe you an apology because you’re my wife—no matter the state knowing. I married you for better or worse. I was at my worst that day and…apparently, your worst was brought up. We were there together, and I didn’t respond to it the right way. This ain’t how I wanna kick this thing off, Jade. It’s not why I got into this thing,” his voice was so raw, so revealing. “Neither of us were perfect people—are perfect people. I was less perfect than both of us. There’s no way I can judge you or cast shame upon you for something you did before you met me.” I could hardly hear him, his tone was so soft.
“You were right: a lot of my mistakes were made since we’ve been married. What went down with you and Ryshon was before we met. If I learned anything from that Brielle shi—situation, it’s that I can put mistakes that were made before me behind us.
I snorted, sitting up, and sniffling back my tears. My back was still to him. “You want to know the worst thing about it?” His silence spoke. “The fact that I never even did it.”
“What?” was released curtly.
I closed my eyes, fortifying myself then turned to peer over my shoulder to finally face him. I widened my eyes, confirming my statement. “I never slept with Little X,” my tone was just as soft as his earlier.
“Why didn’t you say that when he said you did?” Trent tossed his thumb over his shoulder. Below his neck was virile beauty, above it was confusion and anger. “He lied on you.”
I swiveled around to fully face him. “Because in the world Ryshon and his friends come from it doesn’t matter.”
“I don’t understand. Dude accused you of doing something grimy and you don’t at least set the record straight? Wasn’t nobody gonna challenge you while I was there.” His face was hard as stone. “Why didn’t you say that?”
