“Holden, not now. Please, let’s not have this conversation now. I have to make this day perfect for the girls, you know that.” I speak before he can try to use his lawyer superpowers on me and persuade me to spill my guts. Even the thought of having this conversation right now makes me sick to my stomach. It feels as if a noose is tightening around my throat when I have visions of the attack, and talking about it right now is not something I want to experience.
Holden wraps his arm around me. “I know, Cam, and I’m here to help make sure they don’t have a moment when they don’t feel loved today. But you need to talk about this with me. You’ve avoided it too long. If Jake shows up here tonight, I can’t be responsible for what I do to him. If you only knew the thoughts that have been ripping me apart since that day…” He turns towards me and sweeps the back of his fingers down my cheek to my chin in a way that sends chills through me. He always makes me feel so safe, so cared for. “It was hard enough to work with Jake that last month of the campaign, not knowing why you are so scared of him. I have to know why you reacted that way. I can’t let him near you, or the girls for that matter, knowing he makes you feel that way. What the hell happened between you two? Did he hurt you?” The pain in his eyes makes it hard to lie.
“Holden, I don’t want to talk about something that happened in high school, for God’s sake. I am fine, better now. I’ve had a lot of time to get past this and talking about it only brings up feelings that I locked away long ago.”
His eyes narrow and seem to be burning with rage. I have to cut him off before he pushes me any further into this conversation. “Holden, you’re my best friend. You always have been. But there are some things better left in the past, and this is one of those things. I don’t want any trouble. Not for me, not for you, and especially not for the girls. The Waters are a powerful family and not the type of people to mess with.”
“I fucking knew it, Camryn. I think I even knew it back then. It was Jake, wasn’t it? He’s the one who hurt you. He’s the one who fucking turned you into stone and took you away from me.” Holden pulls me into his arms. I can hear his heart pounding like a bass drum.
Terrified, I deny everything, just like I always have. If I have to hurt him to get him to drop the topic, then I will. Too much is at stake. “No, Holden. It’s not about us. You left me because I wasn’t good enough for you. You left me not once, but twice. No one took me away from you—you left. Jake nor his parents will be here tonight, so like I asked before, just drop it.”
My heart breaks a little seeing the hurt my words caused in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Holden. I don’t mean to say anything to hurt you. You’ve been nothing but supportive of me and the girls since you came back home. I just want to make this day special and happy. Can we do that…please, Holden…for me?”
He takes a deep breath and kisses my forehead, leaving his soft lips pressed to my temple. “I’d do anything for you, Cam. ANYTHING.” His touch affects me so much. Too much. “I’m sorry I left you when you needed me most.” He leans back and looks me square in the eyes. “I will never leave you again, Cam. I promise.” Five points, Holden.
My heart goes between racing and stopping within an instant. In the short time we have been together today, he has said and done more to make me think he truly cares for me again than in the entire time he’s been back. Holden’s eyes are smoldering with desire as he pulls me closer to him so I can feel his ragged breaths on my lips. Kiss me—please, Holden, kiss me.
The second the thought crosses my mind, I push it away. I can’t let myself feel this way about Holden. My heart can’t take it. The love I felt for him long ago is something I never want to feel again, because when it was gone, it almost killed me.
“Can I kiss you?” Holden husks, stroking my face like he heard my thoughts. “I need to kiss you, Cam. I’ve needed to kiss you for a long time.” Now my heart really does stop. Six points, Holden.
My body deceives me, and I nod my head yes without realizing it. Holden’s lips lightly brush against mine, making me let out a soft groan. Get a hold of yourself, Camryn! That seems to be all the encouragement he needs because Holden grabs the back of my neck, pulling me in deeper to his kiss. It was as if all the years in between disappears with this one kiss. Our lips move in perfect unison as his tongue dances with mine, making my insides tingle and flutter with desire. It is as if I can feel Holden starting to burn down a layer of the wall I have so diligently and intently placed around my heart long ago with each kiss.
I pull back, afraid of what this is going to mean for us. I still don’t want anything to change. I can’t let anything change. I need Holden, but I can’t let myself get swept up in him again. Not now and probably not ever. He’s always said we couldn’t be together, so why is he doing this to me…now, here, with everything crashing down around me?
“Holden…”
“Don’t say it, Camryn. Don’t. I’ve wanted to do that for too long.”
“Holden…”
He softly takes my face in his hands with a playful smile. “Camryn Dade, shut the hell up. If you’re not going to tell me about Jake, I at least want you to know I mean what I say. I’m not a fucking kid anymore. I’m not going to run out on you again. I know you don’t want this…us right now. But you need to know I do. I’ll wait as long as I have to for you to be ready, but I’m never going to let anyone hurt you again. Not Marcus, not Jake, fuck…not me. I lo—”
“Mommy, Uncle Holden, there you are!” Ellie and Sophie come running over with Marcus and Jess close behind.
What was Holden about to say? How can he be feeling this way about me again? He left me. He’s always pushed me away. Why now?
Sophie leaps into Holden’s lap and begins telling him all about her Thanksgiving morning with Marcus. It is sweet to watch how lovingly and attentively he listens to her story, making it even harder to ignore what he has just admitted to me. I don’t need to count anymore.
I stand up and give Ellie a big hug, remembering today is about my girls, not Holden or any man for that matter. Marcus smiles at us, walking over to Ellie and me and begins rubbing my back. “Happy Thanksgiving, Cam. Sorry we’re a little early. There was less traffic than I thought.”
I smile up at him and back away slightly so he isn’t touching me anymore. Something about it seems patronizing. “I’m glad they’re here. I’ve been waiting all day to see you two!” I say, looking back at Sophie, who wrapped up in Holden’s arms, playing with the willow tree branches.
“I hope we didn’t interrupt you and Holden.” Marcus is glaring at me as if he caught me doing something I shouldn’t be. There is no way he saw my kiss with Holden, and if he had, I don’t care. He left me. He has a girlfriend. He will not ruin this day, he will not ruin this day.
Holden takes this opportunity to interrupt. “Happy Thanksgiving, Sophie.” He kisses her forehead and shoots Marcus a warning glance. “Marcus.”
“Hey girls, why don’t you come inside and get cleaned up. Your Grammy has lots of treats for you.” Jess is trying her best to break the tension that is building faster than a pressure cooker.
Holden and Marcus are still staring each other down like two WWE wrestlers before a match. “Good idea, Jess. I need to talk to Cam. ALONE.” Marcus’s eyes never leave Holden’s.
Holden looks to me to see if I will be alright alone with Marcus. I nod my head, agreeing to talk with Marcus alone, hoping he will understand I don’t need a babysitter. It’s Marcus, not Jake after all. Maybe I can even talk Marcus into coming inside for a bit, if not for me, then for the girls. They seem so happy today, and I know a lot of that has to do with getting to spend time with their dad. Holden knows that I want today to be happy for the girls. Fun. Not filled with reminders of their broken family.
Ellie is giggling when Holden swings her up on his shoulders, and Sophie takes Jess’s hand, eager to go find Charlotte.
“Bye Daddy. Thanks for a fun time. Happy Thanksgiving,” Sophie calls. Ellie tries her b
est to wave goodbye, but is laughing and holding on to Holden’s neck as he takes off, galloping away like a horse. He even makes that look sexy.
I turn to face Marcus, feeling a little anxious to know what he wants to talk with me about. A small part of me is still holding out hope that he has come to the realization that he doesn’t want to lose his family, and will ask for me to come back to him. “Thanks again for letting me have them today, Marcus. It means a lot to me. Are you sure you can’t stay for a drink?”
“Thanks, but no.” Marcus hands me a large manila envelope that I hadn’t noticed he was carrying. All hope that I have held onto since last Christmas is sucked away in an instant. He brushes his perfectly sculpted brown hair back off his face, showing his tear filled dark brown eyes. Eyes that I could stare into endlessly not too long ago. “I didn’t want to do this today, but my lawyer said the papers had to be filed by Monday to get this over with before the New Year.” He looks away, clearly knowing this is horrible timing. “I’m sorry to do this on Thanksgiving, Cam. I really am. But I didn’t want you to get them from a lawyer. I wanted to be able to tell you how much I am grateful for the years we had together. I really wish it didn’t have to end. I’ll always love you.”
What an ASSHOLE! Deep breaths; think before you speak. Heartbreak and rage are mixing like a cyclone through my tense body. I take the envelope, not needing to ask what is inside. Inside this small paper envelope is the final step to ending a life that I never thought would end, a life I never wanted to end. “Why does it have to be filed before the New Year, Marcus?” I speak softly, not sure I have enough breath to speak.
He takes a deep breath, nervously running both hands through his hair, just like Holden always does. “Camryn, please don’t make this any harder than this is. Please just sign the papers and I will leave you to your Thanksgiving.”
“Right now? You want me to sign them right now, right here in the fucking parking lot, Marcus?”
“Cam, you have everything you asked for in mediation. I want us to try to stay friends. We will always be in each other’s lives and how we handle this is the first step to show the girls we are still their parents…still a united front.”
Douchebag prick! I push back the tears that are pooling in my eyes and grit my teeth. “How dare you lecture me on how to parent…? On what’s best for our girls! I have done nothing but be supportive of you, even after you decided to abandon us,” I fume.
“Camryn, please…”
“Don’t interrupt me, Marcus. If you really did still love me, you wouldn’t keep doing this on a holiday, tying these special days to losing you forever. You wouldn’t do this at all. I need to call my lawyer and make sure I can sign this first. You at least need to give me that.”
Marcus nods and walks over to sit down on the bench that Holden and I were sitting on moments ago. I begin pacing back and forth in front of him, too pissed to sit. I can’t believe I am actually having to call my lawyer on Thanksgiving. When she picks up on the first ring, I realize that she is not surprised to get my call. After a quick five-minute phone call, I learn that Marcus is telling the truth about the divorce papers: he has agreed everything I asked for, and also agreed to shared custody. He’s even offered a lot more in child support than I requested, probably out of guilt, but I’m not going to complain, or even thank him for it. I end the call, apologizing one last time for bothering her on a holiday and solemnly slide the papers out of the thin manila envelope. Each place that needs my signature is marked with a fluorescent pink tab, as if screaming to me, “Sign here to lose your life as you know it.” I hold back a sob that is edging its way up my throat and hand the envelope back to Marcus, unable to meet his gaze.
“I really am sorry, Cam.”
“Just go, Marcus,” I say, feeling completely numb.
I sit back on the bench, needing a minute to gather myself. I am going to have to go back inside to my family and friends, and pretend that the nails haven’t just been hammered into the coffin, sealing the end of my marriage. The reality of all of this I have tried so hard to ignore hits me like a tidal wave, and the emotion of it all begins to make me choke up. Jess is at my side before the first tear falls.
“It’s over, Jess. Really over. I don’t think I ever really and truly thought he’d actually go through with it.” I begin sobbing. I feel like my world is crushing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. “I don’t know who I am without him.”
“I’m sorry, Cam. I hate seeing you like this, but I know who you are. You are a strong, beautiful, independent woman. You have more strength in your pinky than that cocksucker has ever had. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you are so much better off without him.” She stands up and begins looking around. “Do you know what? Where is that little pussy? I’m about to kick his ass for pulling this shit on you today. Better yet, I’ll have Holden and Davy do it.” I have to smile at her enthusiasm towards Marcus’s demise. She begins jumping up and down, squealing, “No, better yet, I’ll force him to watch Holden kiss you again. I bet you’ve never kissed Marcus like that!”
My mouth drops open as I gasp, “Jessica! What are you talking about?”
“Oh please, like I wasn’t spying on you and Holden the whole time? Do you even know me at all?” she says dismissively.
I stand up and wrap my arm over her shoulder, glad to have a friend like Jess. Loyal, fierce, unafraid, inappropriately nosey, and of course one who has impeccable timing. “Alright then, let’s go inside and pretend the last thirty minutes didn’t happen.” I tap my finger on her chest. “And that includes my kiss with Holden.”
She smiles suggestively at me. “Okay…for now, but I want all the deets later.”
I laugh. “I love you, Jess.”
“I love you, too, you little slut.”
Chapter Six
“Camryn, please get the door. I’ve got my hands full in here,” my mom calls from the kitchen. My parents are still displaced because of Hurricane Sandy, but have finally moved out of my apartment in the city, and are now renting a house at the shore so they can be close now that renovations are going on at their house and the restaurant. To say that the rebuilding in Mantoloking is slow is an understatement. It still looks like a war zone there. It is Christmas Eve, and there is still no word on when residents will be allowed to move back permanently. Dave thinks it will be soon, but he has said that for weeks now. Once again, my parents opened their home to the families of Mantoloking to celebrate with us.
I open the door to see Jess and Dave carrying so many gifts that I can’t even see Charlotte standing behind them.
“Merry Christmas, you little hussy!” Jess never cares who is around. She is always entirely inappropriate at all times and I love her for it.
I smile, a real smile, happy to have Jess here for another holiday, helping to keep my sadness buried away. Marcus and I are now officially divorced as of last week, and the last of his things have been taken from the apartment. After Thanksgiving, with the finality of our relationship done, Marcus and I are actually able to interact more kindly, or to put it more directly, he started kissing my ass. He knows what a dick move it was to serve me the papers on Thanksgiving, and he knows how much our divorce hurts me. I try to focus on making the girls feel comfortable being around the two of us when we are all forced to be together. I want them to think that this really is the best for them. I know if they think we hate each other, they will feel hurt themselves.
In one of his many attempts to smooth things over between us, Marcus insisted I have the girls Christmas Eve, and he will come and take them to the city for Christmas Day. Christmas Eve has always been my favorite…well, until Marcus dropped his bomb last year, but it is also the day Holden came back. I have decided to hold on to my happy memories tonight and not the shitty ones. You can say I am trying to turn over a new leaf and really be positive rather than pretend to be. And tonight, I really am happy. I am going to be together with all of my family and friend
s, all of those I love.
A burst of cold wind shoots through the door, reminding me that it was a crisp thirty-two degrees outside. “Merry Christmas to you!” I chose a more appropriate greeting than my friend and swing Charlotte into my arms, giving her a big, cheerful kiss. “Sophie and Ellie are over by the Christmas tree. They’ve been waiting for you, and may have a candy cane for you too.”
Charlotte is out of my arms and running to the tree in an instant as Jess and Dave trudge their way behind, trying not to drop any of their gifts. I begin to shut the door behind them, when a familiar voice calls to me. “Happy Anniversary!”
I look down the porch to see Holden and give him a confused expression. He is quickly up on the porch next to me with bags of presents. Tonight he looks like the sexiest, most drool-worthy man I have ever seen. His dark brown hair is perfectly mussed and it makes me wonder if he actually styles it that way or if he just wakes up and goes with it. He is wearing a dark, long wool trench coat that shows the top of a V-neck sweater over a white buttoned-down shirt. His green eyes sparkle when he leans in and kisses my cheek.
“It’s the anniversary of us reuniting as BFFs.” He looks up and my gaze follows his to the mistletoe above our heads. Thank God for holiday traditions. His eyes now smolder and a sly grin slides across his perfectly plump lips. He slowly runs his tongue across his lips and I can only hope I’m not outwardly drooling because that move is definitely drool-worthy. “Merry Christmas,” he whispers, leaning down and gently, softly brushes his lips across mine, letting a groan escape from his throat.
After Thanksgiving, Holden respected my need for space. He knows I’m not ready for anything serious, but he is also always there, either helping me get the girls to school or to one of their extracurricular activities. We’ve spent the past few weekends together when Marcus has the girls, snuggling and watching movies and eating takeout on the couch. He’s never once made any advances towards me, although I know how I affect him when I feel his desire pressed against me while we lay on the couch talking, or watching movies. I try to tell myself he doesn’t affect me the same way, but the truth is he does. The more time we spend together, the more I miss him. I’ve realized how much a part of me he has always been. But I can’t let myself think this way because I can’t let myself feel the way I did about him. Anytime I feel a wall coming down, I remember how easy it was for him to leave me all those years ago when I needed him most. How easy it was for him to completely shut me out of his life and never look back. I know he was young, immature, and broken, like me. I know he thought two people like us could destroy each other. He didn’t know why I was broken, only that I was, and that was too much for him.
Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 9
