Holden stands where he is and shakes his head, letting Dave know he is okay. I can’t help myself anymore. I run over to him and throw myself into his arms, wanting nothing more than to feel the safety that he always provides. Without hesitation, he lifts me up so that I am securely engulfed by him. Guilt is threatening to tear me apart as I think of the look in Holden’s eyes. His pain is palpable, and it is all my fault. He knew me before Jake’s attack. I still couldn’t say the word, not even to myself. Holden knows how happy I was growing up. I was innocent, naive, and loved with my whole body and soul, not just my heart. After the attack, I was withdrawn, subdued, and most of all guarded. A part of me thought that what happened to me, happened because of who I was…of how I acted. It was too painful to feel anymore after Jake broke me. I am sure Holden now is beginning to realize why I have changed so drastically over the years.
“I’m so sorry, Holden. I should have told you everything. I was just too scared and confused at first. As I got older, I just…I just wanted to forget that it ever even happened.”
He doesn’t answer. He closes his eyes for a moment, and then takes my face in his hands, gently wiping away the tears that are helplessly falling from my eyes. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.” With those soothing words, he presses his lips to mine with intense desperation. I twist my fingers through his soft hair as he grips at the sides of my waist, making my dress come up slightly and letting a cold rush of air sweep up between my legs, reminding me that we are not alone. There are very likely people still watching us from the window and I can only imagine the gossip that is swirling around the room from the events of the night.
I pull back and rest my head against his chest, closing my eyes at the comfort he provides for me. I’m not sure what this kiss means for us, and I’m not sure that I’m even ready to find out. Tonight has been filled with too much emotion for me to make any definite decisions.
“We need to go inside, but I promise, Holden. I will tell you everything…tonight. I need to tell you everything. I need you to know the truth. I need someone to know the truth. I am so tired of constantly living in fear of people knowing the truth. I’m tired of going through life numb, too afraid to feel anything because of him.”
Holden rubs my back while he quietly takes in my words. He is always so careful, every word premeditated. I know tonight some of his worst fears for me have been realized. I can feel his heart begin to pick up pace the longer we stand here in each other’s arms. It seems as if it is going to burst out of his chest, right here onto the frozen sidewalk. I look up at him, wanting to make sure he is going to be okay when our eyes meet and I see something in them that I’m not sure I’m ready to see. It’s a look that I have seen in his eyes before, long ago. It is a look of love. He takes my face in his hands again, bending down so that we are eye to eye. “Cam.” He is breathless as he presses his forehead to mine, seemingly searching for his words. He lets his hands drift to my waist, gripping the back of my dress. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’ll always regret leaving you. But you’ve got to let me in. Let me take care of you. Fuck, Cam, let me love you!”
I am stunned. I know he was having feelings for me again; he has said as much to me. But love? Love is something I don’t know if I’m ready for. I know I love him, but can I love him the way he deserves? Marcus left me because I couldn’t love him enough and now my girls are paying the price.
“I’m scared, Holden. It’s not just me anymore. I have the girls to think about.” I run my fingers through his hair, unable to break our embrace, and he continues holding onto me as if I am going to disappear.
His grip tightens on my waist. “I love those girls and you know it. I love them as if they are my own. Nothing will ever change that.” His eyes are fiercely on fire. I can feel the truth in his words and can only smile.
I’ve let myself be controlled by fear of being hurt for too long. I lean up on my toes, not worrying about who is watching from the window above, and give him a soft kiss on his mouth, hoping to show him that I do want to let him in. I’m just not sure how anymore.
“I’ll need you to be patient. I’m not the same as I was,” I whisper, shocking myself that I am actually agreeing to try to move to the next step with Holden. My heart is thumping in my chest with anticipation.
He laughs, probably from shock, and smiles widely through our kiss, not breaking his lips from mine to speak. “I can do slow.”
He kisses my eyes and my cheek, moving down to my neck. “I’ve been doing slow for this long,” he brushes aside my hair and kisses my collarbone, “I can do it as long as you need me to. I can do anything as long as we’re together. As long as you are mine.”
My heart melts at his words. There is no doubt he means every word. I look over his shoulder to see Jess standing in the window, watching us. “We should get back in.”
He kisses my forehead one last time and wraps his arm around me, leading me back to the party. “We’d better go inside so we can calm the fire of gossip that I am sure is blazing right now.” We walk through the front door arm in arm to see something that makes everything fade to black.
My mom. On the floor.
Dave giving her CPR.
My dad frantically talking on the phone.
The last thing I remember is the look of defeat on Dave’s face.
Chapter Seven
My mom has been dead forty-eight days and it only seems to get harder rather than easier as each day passes. My dad was finally able to move back into the house in Mantoloking at the end of February, and I decided to join him, knowing the emptiness of the house without my mom there would be paralyzing to him. Since I am still freelancing for the New Yorker and can live anywhere, I decided I need to be close to my dad. I’ve been running from this town for so long, and I’m not going to run anymore. When I think of all the time I lost with my mom by running from here, regret threatens to overtake me.
The girls are excited to be able to live back in New Jersey for the rest of the school year, and Marcus even agreed to let me take them with me, knowing it was what we all need right now. Holden has been able to come down on weekends, keeping busy during the week handling important cases for his firm. When he is down here, I make sure to fill our time with the girls, and evenings with my dad. I know Holden realizes that I’ve been avoiding being alone with him since Christmas Eve. When my mom died, I shut down again. I have so much guilt for what happened to her, and for the years that I pushed her away and shut her out of my life. I can’t help but blame myself for her heart attack; even though I know it wasn’t all my fault, my actions and the events of the night she died surely played a large part in her heart giving out. If I had just been honest long ago, I could have avoided the stress my life put on my mom all these years. I know my divorce was very hard on her, although she never admitted it to me, and my cold attitude towards her made her worry constantly about my happiness. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy. My argument with Jake at her party would have been devastating to her. She always wanted to portray perfection. Her daughter screaming at her guest and Holden knocking him out would have surely put her over the edge that night. My dad always dismisses my guilt when I share it with him, but I know deep down inside, he knows as much as I do that life was too much for her some times.
After far too long, tonight was going to be the first time that Holden and I will be having a night alone together without the girls or my dad. He has been there for me through everything; he understood my pain, my distance, and has never once tried to bring up the conversation we had about our relationship on Christmas Eve. I told him I needed to take things slow, and this was certainly taking things slow. Honestly, the last thing that I could even think about since my mom’s death was anything romantic. I have been mainly smothering my girls with affection, afraid they, too, would be taken away from me. Holden, of course, is beyond understanding of my behavior, never pushing or asking for anything more than to be with me, to help me get through th
is. I’m still not sure how I should act when we are finally alone again tonight, and am not quite sure Holden still wants to take the leap from friendship to something more after all that has happened. The numbness that had paralyzed me once before has taken over again, and there is nothing I can seem to do to stop it.
A step in the right direction for me was that I started going to therapy after watching my mom die right in front of me and being overwrought with guilt. I began writing a lot again as a sort of therapy to try to ignite some sort of feelings or emotions, some passion for something other than my own demise. I am searching for anything to reach down and grab me from this spiraling whirlpool of guilt and sadness. Tonight is a big step for me, and I can only hope I don’t make a mess of this too. Holden is too precious to me to lose again.
Sophie and Ellie are at Marcus’s this weekend, which gives me time to get ready for my night at Holden’s. I am actually putting on make-up for the first time in weeks and boy, do I need it. The black circles under my eyes are deep enough to make me look like a skeleton, accented by my pale, white skin. I’m not sure how to dress since we are just having a quiet dinner at Holden’s. I don’t want to show up in my sweats, but I also didn’t want it to seem like I am trying too hard by putting on a dress or something more formal. I still need to figure out my feelings about Holden and to give my divorce time to digest before jumping into another relationship so quickly. I was caught up in the emotion of everything that happened on Christmas Eve and am not sure if my feelings for him are true. It is Holden, after all, and I know that if I do decide to make that leap with him, things will move fast. Perhaps too fast for me.
Deciding to keep things casual, I grab a pair of my black fitted jeans and a loose gray sweater over a white fitted shirt. It doesn’t look like I’ve been standing in front of the mirror for over an hour trying on outfit after outfit—which I have—and flatters me in all the right places without being overtly sexy. I miss the days when I could just roll out of bed and look perfect. Holden is always sexy and perfect without even trying. Even after one of our runs, when my face is purple and I’m dripping with sweat, he looks like he just stepped out of GQ.
Even the thought of Holden’s sweaty, sexy body is making my heart race and my palms sweat. I am so confused about how I want to go tonight that I can’t even think straight. My heart is telling me one thing, and my mind, another. A part of me wants to be able to go back to when we were on the steps, promising each other a future on Christmas Eve, but I’m not sure I have it in me anymore. I don’t know if I can ever give Holden what he wants or needs from me in a relationship. I definitely know I can’t give him what he deserves, and he deserves to have someone whole and not broken like me.
I take one last fleeting glance in the mirror before giving up and heading over to Holden’s. “Bye, Dad. I’m heading over to Holden’s,” I call back to his office. My dad has busied himself with reopening Cutter Lane in Mantoloking since Mom died. He barely stops to sleep anymore—I think because she’s not beside him. His heartbreak is visible any time I see his face. His hair has gone almost entirely gray and his eyes hold an emptiness that mirrors my heart.
“Have fun, sweetie.” Dad walks out of his office wearing his Bruce Springsteen shirt tucked into white—yes, I said white—skintight jeans. I laugh to myself, thinking of Mom’s reaction to his ensemble, and my heart breaks a little. “Should I wait up?” He stretches out the question with an insinuating nod.
“Daddy!” I gasp at what he is suggesting. “It’s Holden, for goodness’ sake. I’ll be right next door.”
He laughs as if I just answered his question. “Exactly. It’s Holden. Honey, I’m no fool. That boy has been in love with you for as long as I’ve known him.” He smiles sweetly again and my heart softens. I haven’t seen that true of a smile cross his face in months and his eyes hold a spark of happiness. “You love him, too, sweetie. I’ve known that just as long. So go get him.”
I can only smile, still not sure I am ready to love again.
“Oh, sweetheart, before I forget, this came in the mail for you yesterday. I forgot to give it to you.” He hands me a small white envelope, one that is much different from the last envelope I was handed. This is sure not to be holding the same grave news that Marcus’s held.
“Thanks.” I kiss my dad’s cheek and take the letter. “Thanks for everything, Daddy.”
I walk out my door, taking in a deep breath of the cool air and head over to Holden’s while opening up the letter. I stop in my tracks as I read the contents.
Camryn Hamilton,
If you talk, you will lose everything. Don’t test me. Destroy this letter once you read this. I will know if you don’t.
I crumple the letter and begin looking around to see if anyone is watching me. I am not sure why I feel like eyes are on me right now, but the letter sends chills of fear through my every nerve. It is dark on the street with still only a few residents moving back full-time. My heart is pounding as I pull out my phone and quickly send a text to Marcus, making sure the girls are okay. Jake or whoever sent this letter could be after the girls just to get to me. I should have known Jake was full of shit on Christmas Eve. I know he only cares about himself, and now he is running scared that I am going to tell someone after the scene between him and Holden. Jake is back in town; he has taken over his family business in Jersey since his father was having to spend so much time in Washington DC. His anxiety over running into Holden or me has surely gotten the best of him.
I am still standing on Holden’s driveway, waiting for Marcus’s reply and shaking like a leaf. I’m not sure if it is from the freezing cold, or fear, or both. All I can think about right now are my girls. They are the only thing that matters to me in all of this anymore, and I have no doubt that Jake Waters is sick enough to use them against me, just to hurt me.
My morbid thoughts are interrupted by the chime of my cell, letting me know I have a message. I quickly check my phone, fumbling to input my security code to read the message. It’s thankfully Marcus’s response, letting me know that they are all safe and sound in his apartment, which gives me a momentary feeling of relief. Marcus and I are going to have to sit down together and talk about the letter and what happened with Jake. Ugh. Everything I have been trying to avoid for so long is bearing down on me like an avalanche, threatening to destroy everything in its path. My hands are shaking as I search for a place to throw the letter before Holden sees it. I can’t tell Holden about this letter, not yet. He will go ballistic if he knows Jake is threatening me this way, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is who sent this.
“Hey there.”
I scream and throw the paper in the air, startled by the sound of Holden’s voice. He comes jogging down the steps of his porch with a slight smile on his face, unsure if I am playing around or really scared. “Are you alright, Cam?”
I clutch the letter, trying to think of a place to discreetly hide it away. “Yeah. Yes, I…I was just coming over.” I struggle to gain my composure and play it cool. I can feel my body still violently shaking, and know there is going to be no way Holden won’t notice it.
Holden’s eyes softened and he wraps me into his arms. “You’re shaking. Jesus, Cam, what’s wrong?” He looks down at my shivering hands and notices the evidence I am clutching. He grabs the letter before I can react, and I swipe at it futilely. “What is this? Is this what has you so upset?”
I hold on to Holden’s arm, trying to take a moment to calm myself down and have a rational conversation about this. I take a few deep breaths, relaxing to the comforting smell of soap and cologne that is so Holden. He rubs his hands up and down my back in a calming, soothing way, giving me time to stop my body from having this gut reaction. With each stroke of his hand, I can feel a wall around my heart coming down. The smallest gesture of affection from this amazingly strong and compassionate man can do more than a thousand sessions of therapy ever could.
Holden takes his hand that is holding the anonymou
s letter and raises his arm above my head to get a better look at it. He still keeps me tightly wrapped in his other arm, letting me relax against the safety of his body. I try to focus on his scent rather than thinking of the conversation that is sure to come after he reads the ominous lines written to me. I can hear him reading the five sentences that brought back the crippling fear I never wanted to experience again and I begin to feel more nervous than afraid. Simultaneously as he reads the words, his heart begins to pick up pace like a train leaving the station until it seems as if it’s going to explode from his chest.
“Who sent this to you?” He growls, looking around the street the same way I did when I first read the letter. Without another word, he takes me under his arm and quickly gets me inside. He slams the door shut behind me and stomps into his kitchen, looking enraged.
“This is from Jake, isn’t it? Of course it is, that fucking pussy!” He is seething and begins pacing back and forth in his kitchen. He runs his hands through his hair, showing his frustration, but somehow making it perfectly mussed. Even with all of the anxiety and fear I am feeling right now, my body instinctively reacts to the sexuality that emanates from him. I can’t tell anymore if my body is buzzing with anticipation of what I know I have to tell Holden or from the thoughts that keep assaulting me of having his hard, strong body pressed against mine.
I make my way to the other side of his expansive, New England styled kitchen, trying to close the gap that he has made between us. I know Holden well enough that when he is deep in thought like this, I need to leave him alone. His feelings are sure to be all over the place, and he doesn’t like feeling this way…so out of control. I decide to take my jacket off and sling it over one of the stools that line the island that separates us just as Holden stops his frantic pacing, turning to face me with his hands grasping at the island.
Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 11
